Local News

Trump & Russia? NOBODY COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!! Wonkagenda For Wed., Feb. 15, 2017

Trump raises a Russian red flag for the FBI, Andy Puzder is vengeful jerk, John McCain and Ted Cruz prepare to fight! Your morning news brief!
These baristas will keep you safe and warm.

First Starbucks Destroys Christmas, Now It’s Gay For The Queers?

Well, well, well, Starbucks sure has made clear where it stands in the culture wars this week, and it's definitely not on the side of Jesus! First it made a red cup that didn't even have Christmas decorations it, like...

Inbred Alabama Hicks Can’t Even Spell Why They Hate Transgenders So Much

There is a town called OXFORD, Alabama, and it sounds like the town council/shootin' range/squirrel recipe dispensary needs an OXFORD English Dictionary, because boy howdy, let us tell you about these dumb motherfuckers. The City Council is so mad about...
Bye Now. Bye-Bye!

Prosecutor In Trayvon Martin Case, Angela Corey, Too Awful Even For Florida

Floridians have kicked out Angela Corey, who botched the prosecution of George Zimmerman. Who'll let child killers walk now?
Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms

Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools

In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they're not bigots,...

Obama Saves Alaska! Wonkagenda For Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Obama saves Alaska, Trump's spawn tried steal some cash, and Chris Christie just got screwed! Your Daily News Brief
Calling occupants of interplanetary craft...

So Who Else Got Shot By Cops This Weekend? And Who Said Stupid Sh*t About it?

Well dear Christ, what a fine little roundup of horrors we have for you this time. Please provide your own kittens. Houston: Hands Up? Maybe. Shot? Definitely. In Houston early Saturday morning, police shot a black man, Alva Braziel, who was...
See? Problem solved!

Florida Man Pretty Sure Constitution Lets Him Shoot Anyone He Wants By Accident

Florida is very, very proud of its wonderful gun laws, which in addition to the always-delightful "Stand Your Ground" legislation that allows citizens to defend themselves against scary blacks in hoodies, also include another law that not only allows...

Trump Tower: A Luxurious Address With Secret Service Protection And A Target On Its Back!

What, you don't want to live there? There's totally a Starbucks in the lobby.
Why be so hung up on symbols? Or for that matter, hang up symbols?

Georgia Gallery Owner Replaces Confederate Flag With Nazi Flag, That’s Better

A Macon, Georgia art gallery owner who had been flying a Confederate flag outside his business took the thing down Monday and replaced it with a WW II Nazi military flag, complete with swastika. Ah, but this is no...

NC School District To Let Kids Pepper Spray Scary Trans Students In The Potty, Why Not?

This is for sure a thing that will turn out well for everyone involved.

TrumpCare Stumbles Into The ER. Wonkagenda For Thurs., March 16, 2017

Federal judges pee on Muslim Ban 2.0 (yay!), Dutch Nazi Geert Wilder loses (hooray!), and even Paul Ryan admits his health plan needs a pick-me-up. Your morning news brief!

Radical Liberal Judges Affirm Bizarre Transgender Pooping Rituals

Whoa, it's a new day in America, and you know why? A thing happened that is GOOD for transgender people, specifically involving their God-given right to drop the kids off at the pool in public places. For real! A...
Lion wasn't paying attention during the employee orientation

Virginia Legislature Saves Children From All That Porn In Schools

Both houses of the Virginia General Assembly have passed a bill requiring teachers to give advance notice to parents of "sexually explicit" passages in assigned reading, and to make alternate assignments available to parents who don't want their Special...
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Gentleman Discharges Gun In Pants, Goes To Emergency Room Half-Cocked

A Second Amendment Hero in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, accidentally shot himself in the peen earlier this month, then lied to police about the negligent discharge, initially claiming that he had been injured in the aforementioned naughtybits by "a...
When your only tool is a GE M134 Minigun, every problem looks like confetti

NRA-Lovin’ Texas Lawmaker Awful Worried Syrian Refugees Could Buy Guns

Here's a pleasant sidelight to the ongoing National Freakout Over Refugees. A Texas Republican state representative has thought of one more reason to keep Syrian refugees out of the Lone Star state: It's bad enough that they'll be able...