Legal

Field notes: Subject 'Trumpy' issues 'pant-hoot' challenge immediately prior to flinging feces

Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!

Donald Trump won himself even more love from the We Hates Foreigns crowd Tuesday as he ignored questions from Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos at a press event, told him to go back where he came from (Univision), and...
Drop Kick Me Jesus

Georgia High School Adds Baptisms To Football Practice, Benches Constitution

Residents of Villa Rica, Georgia, are astonished that anyone could have a problem with a group baptism of football players on school grounds before a recent F'ball practice. Because they love America, and Jebus, and F'ball -- which is why it...
Judge Vance Day, looking thoughtful in his official portrait

Oregon Judge Won’t Marry No Gays, But Look At His Rad Picture Of Hitler

While Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis and her lunatic fans hog the media spotlight with their wacky antics, an Oregon judge, the Hon. Vance Day of Marion County, has been quietly refusing to perform weddings for same-sex couples, initially telling...
We finally realized what Scott Walker's dumb face reminds us of: MST3K's Joel Hodgson *pretending* to be a dipwad.

Scott Walker Doesn’t Think So Good, Hypothetically

Ladies and gentlemen, we would just like to apologize for all the times we've suggested that Scott Walker isn't very bright, because we finally understand where he's coming from. It's not that he's too stupid to answer questions like whether...
Yaoi? Yowie!

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week

Pour out a 40 for the gay-hating county clerks of Kentucky, who are losing their brave battle to refuse to do their jobs in the name of Jesus. First up, we have Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County,...
Senator, Jesus wants you to sit over there, away from the microphones

Mike Huckabee Didn’t Appreciate Ted Cruz Trying to Hijack His Kim Davis Jesus Party

Mike Huckabee would just like you all to know that if anyone's going to go to jail in Kim Davis's place, it's Mike Huckabee, not that Canadian-come-lately Ted Cruz. Following the hilarious scene Tuesday of a Huckabee staffer blocking...
"Tough shit," sayeth the Lord.

Kim Davis Begs God To Set Her Free LOL

C'mon, gov'nah! If Kim Davis PROMISES to be as big A Idiot as she was being before, and if she PROMISES not to obey any of the court's earlier orders, and if she PROMISES to continue trying to be...
Jesus probably wants you to buy more gun now

Second Amendment Saves At Least 10 At Community College From Being Alive, F*ck You America

Welcome to your Latest Mass Shooting, America! At 10:40 AM local time, an as-yet unidentified gunman opened fire at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, leaving at least 7-10 10 people dead and approximately 7 wounded (see updates...
It may not have this been this exact painting.

Kansas School Murders Jesus In Front Of The Children

A Kansas middle school has removed a painting of Jesus from a hallway where it had hung for several decades, throwing the entire town into a tizzy that may, if it does not abate soon, blossom into a full-on...
Good god we can't even

11-Year-Old Shoots 8-Year-Old Over Puppy, America Remains Free Of Tyranny

An 11-year-old boy in White Pine, Tennessee, has been arrested for murdering his 8-year-old neighbor Saturday after she refused to show him a puppy. The boy shot the girl from the window of his family's mobile home using his...
Ah, Sinfest, we love you

Oh Great, Now Even The Southerns Are Gender Fluid

It's the first week of school at many colleges, which means it's time for another round of panic about socialist liberal indoctrination and threats to America and all that stuff. Take, for example, this "What are those crazy eggheads saying...
The Love is a Lie

Gay-Hatin’ Oregon Bakers Send Love Cakes To Homos, Tell Them They’re Going To Hell

You probably remember the sad story of Aaron and Melissa Klein, the Oregon bakers who refused to bake a penis cake for a lesbian wedding a couple of years back, then were forced to close their bakery by the...
you're gonna make me lonesome when you go

Please Train Your Replacement On Your Way Out! This Week In Corporate Layoffs

Pursuant to his well-conceived campaign strategy of lobbing baseless hyperbolic gibberish bombs, Donald Trump just surprised the nation by letting us know the unemployment rate is, in fact, not 5.1 percent and actually might be 42 percent. Sure, why the hell...
Team Shirley 4-Evar

Dead Breitbart’s Ghost Forced To Pay Up For Murdering Shirley Sherrod’s Career

Remember about a million years ago in 2010 when Barack Obama was still just getting started on his project of turning all Americans against each other by being a huge racist who forced teabaggers to bring racist signs to...
Take that, Austin!

The One Place In Texas It’s Not OK To Carry A Gun Is In Your Vagina

You know what we love about working at Wonkette? We love coming across a story with a headline like "Cops: Woman Concealed Loaded Gun in Vagina" and having to double-check to make sure it's different from that OTHER loaded-gun-in-a-vagina...
Florida Man was nowhere near as cool

Florida Man With Two Guns Does Road Rage The Best, Shoots Self In Leg

Oh golly, is there anything more exciting than a story where "Florida Man" and "Responsible Gun Owner" are the very same guy? And it's NOT George Zimmerman, we mean? From Fort Myers, Florida, comes this exciting tale of road...