Wonkette Jr.
Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!
Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford
Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a [...]
Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something
Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this [...]
Luke Russert Is Boston Bombing’s Edward R. Murrow
Doughy-cheeked nepotism hire (and Wonket coffee-mug model) Luke Russert is a big-time journamalist who knows how to cut through the chaff and get to the live beating heart of a news story. So as the crazy events played out overnight in Boston, with the Boston PD and federal agents engaged in a running gun battle [...]
K-Lo Ticked Boston Marathon Tragedy Didn’t Happen While She Was in Town
Gosh darnit, Kathryn-Jean Lopez left Boston just when “news” started happening. Don’t worry, K-Lo, you still win the reporting award as usual for communicating the least amount of information about any given topic while still managing to make it all about yourself. What are we even talking about? Oh, right. There is a horrible tragedy [...]
Hillary Clinton Elected President of Running for President in 2016
The votes are in: 51% of American voters have said in a poll that Hillary Clinton will run for president in 2016. Your Wonkette probably would have skipped the effort and just polled Hillary Clinton on whether she will run for president in 2016, but it is tradition in political journalism to first consult three [...]
If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says
How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason [...]
Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC
It turns out everyone’s favorite closeted homosexual support group the Republican Party seems to have wanted Lady Gaga at last summer’s Republican National Convention far more than it wanted noted sleeping aid Mitt Romney there: according to the hilarious details of a lawsuit against one of the RNC vendors, Lady Gaga was offered one million [...]
Angry Teabaggers To March Around With Guns All Day Today, What Could Go Wrong?
A post from your comrade Gary Legum. Since the brave patriots of the Tea Party are all that stands between Commandant Obama and our right to own the thirty-round clips that make shooting up classrooms full of unarmed kindergarteners so much more efficient, today has been designated a “Day of Resistance” to President Obama’s gun-control [...]
It Is Cute When White People Try To Have Thoughts About Slavery
A guest post from your comrade Gary Legum. Here is the sum total of facts your Wonket knows about Emory University: it is located in Atlanta, and Emory’s current president, one James Wagner, is dumber than a bag of hammers. Okay, perhaps that last one is more opinion than fact. Here, let us read this [...]
Tea Party Nation: Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler. Also: Hitler
A guest post from your compatriot Gary Legum. Part of being a world-class news organization/recipe hub/lit blog/mommyblog like Wonket involves subscribing to the email lists of organizations we would otherwise like to pretend are too abominable to exist in a just and rational universe. Which is why emails from Tea Party Nation with subject lines [...]
Shooting People: So Hot Right Now!
A guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. Say goodbye to Ugg boots, throw those skinny jeans in the trash (seriously), the hot new fad these days is just fucking stone cold shooting people! For anyone who pisses you off, gets in your way, or tries to make you show up for court, standing your [...]
Gracious House Of Representatives To NJ, CT And NY: Fine, Here’s Your Stupid Hurricane Money
Another guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. The House finally voted Tuesday to graciously give out approximately $50.5 billion to the states hit hardest by the freakishly strong Frankenstorm of the Century, Hurricane Sandy. The measure passed with a vote of 241-180, with 179 Republicans voting against giving any money to anyone ever again [...]
[Delta] House Teabaggers Plan Gingrich-Worthy Stupid And Futile Gesture
A guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. Remember when you were a kid playing a board game, maybe Checkers or “Life” if you were kinda dumb, or chess maybe if you were a nerd, and there was that one kid who, if he got way behind and saw he couldn’t win, would throw a [...]
Jury: KBR Caused Troops’ Cancer; KBR: Pay Up, America!
A guest post from your comrade “Glasspusher.” Remember when liberals had Dick Cheney’s Halliburton to be OUTRAGED about, like common wingnuts have a black president? Well, jump in your time machine and set it for “2002,” because Halliburton and its subsidiary, KBR, are whispering your name from across space and time! Yes, now we find [...]
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