Author Archives: Wonkette Jr.

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Info: Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!
  priorities

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom Act, to defend history’s most sacred freedom of all. The bill would encourage cable companies to offer channels a la carte in lieu of the current tyrannical model, which forces consumers to pay for bundles that include unwanted channels. We do not care whatsoever about how much people must pay for mindless entertainment, but here is where we would like to note that the traditional congressional approach of “always doing nothing” to stop this crisis would likely better serve the American public by possibly encouraging cable television viewership to continue to decline. We assume, however, that John McCain’s heroic effort is aimed at making sure he doesn’t break with that other congressional tradition of “always making things worse.” In McCain’s defense, why ruin a perfect record? Read more on John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers…
  first they came for the teabaggers and we said hooray!

Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained

So folks on the right and in the blogospheres are all argle bargle ranty ranty because the IRS just published an apology for giving special attention to groups asking for tax-exempt status that had the words “tea party” and “patriot” in their names. Seems like there be a need for some splainin about what they hell tax-exempt groups are, and what all the argle bargle is about. Tax laws exempt some organizations from paying taxes, like charities, religious organizations, educational groups (colleges), and others. Most of these are listed under the tax code 501c3 and 501c4. 501c3 organizations are your run-of-the-mill charities, like Habitat for Humanity. If you give them money, you can take a tax deduction (yay! Happy times!). They can spend VERY limited funds on political activities (like lobbying and buying hookers for politicians). 501c4 organizations are called “social welfare organizations.” They are tax exempt, and can spend some money on lobbying and trying to influence the political debate. But their primary purpose CANNOT be political campaigning. If you donate to this type of organization, you do not collect a tax deduction, do not pass go, whatever. Neither c4 groups nor c3 groups have to disclose their funders/donors. Now, noted fucktard and shitspewer Karl Rove (R-8th Level of Hell) set up Crossroads GPS as a 501c4 organization. However, when he set it up in 2010, he actually said that political spending would not constitute the organization’s primary purpose. In reality, he spent an asston of monies trying to influence the election. But if the truth doesn’t matter about sending kids off to war, why should it matter on when filling out silly legally binding forms? Read more on Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained…
  wonksplainer

Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!

Back by popular demand, I’m here to wonksplain how our stupid Congresspeople continue to legislate with the combined IQ of a Michelle Malkin and Glenn Beck love child. Today’s topic: International Food Aid! Or, why your tax monies is going to help poor Ethernopians in the most inefficient way possible. Put on your thinking caps and grab a bottle of whiskey, cause there be learnin str8 ahead. Read more on Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!…
  a civil debate

Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?

Time Magazine is here to troll everyone with yet another cover story about Kids These Days and Their Lawns (Getting Off of). We have not read it, because Time Magazine. And yet we have decided to debate this Important Issue anyway. Taking the pro-Millennial position will be Rich Abdill (12). Taking the anti-Millennial position will be Rebecca Schoenkopf (40 And Foxy). The child will begin. Read more on Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?…
  sausagefest

Time To Make The Budget! A Wonksplainer

A guest Wonksplainer from your compatriot, DDM. How does the actual process work where all our monies go to bortions for illegal Messicans who steal jobs from ‘Mericans? Turns out, it’s an archaic, complicated process that can confuse even the Wonkette staff, many of whom have fancy law degrees. Here’s the process: The President submits a budget the first week of February, unless you are a Lazy Blah, in which case you wait until April because, fuck it, it is not like they are going to vote on shit anyway. Read more on Time To Make The Budget! A Wonksplainer…
  life skills of the future

Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns

This is a guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” We are all Jetsons now with our 3D printers spitting out all kinds of shit all the time, like houses and ears and spiky-tipped dildos and also now guns named by unimaginative libertarian dipsticks. Meet the, ahem, “Liberator,” everybody! The New York Post has a typically panicked cover story about the first functional 3D printed gun. This is supposed to give us the vapors, because “the weapon would elude metal detection,” and the company behind it is about to publish the blueprints, so “anyone, including terrorists” can print one. While panic is always fun and it would be even more fun to see what would happen if we all as a group fainted at the same time, there are a few reasons why nobody should freak out about this. Read more on Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns…
  insane in the brain

Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann

Beloved nut Michele Bachmann, whom we mostly picture these days as a wee Roomba whirring around on the carpet of her House offices sucking up dropped pain pills, is having some legal problems lately. Have you heard? The chief justice of the Iowa Supreme Court will name an independent investigator to look at claims she illegally hired Iowa state Sen. Kent Sorenson to work for her failed (in the political not the comedy sense) presidential campaign. This allegation was recently backed up by her former staffer Andy Parrish with an affidavit along the lines of, “yeah, she knew about it.” The situation is apparently Quite Serious because “hella campaign finance violations,” and the stress is taking such a toll on Michele Bachmann that Michele Bachmann claimed during a House speech that Michele Bachmann voted against spending cuts out of fear they would hurt the poor. Shit is serious. Read more on Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann… Read more on Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann…
  it's not a lie if you believe it

It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer

A guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” Charles Krauthammer is known to many Americans as a roasted chicken perched atop a can of cheap domestic beer. He has a lucrative job writing untrue things about important topics like politics, war, economics and history in order to prevent too many people from becoming informed. He must be very smart because he has figured out a way to get newspapers like The Washington Post to pay him huge sums of money for writing untrue things even though The Washington Post Company’s own motto (?) is “informing people through education and media”, which is another way of saying “the opposite of what Charles Krauthammer does for us, for money.” If The Washington Post were a plumber, Charles Krauthammer would be the gnawed-up corncob the plumber flushes down your toilet, because fuck you. (Jennifer Rubin is also the corncob.) Charles Krauthammer’s most recent thing he wrote for money goes on and on about how Obama is now “dead in the water” because he is a loser, for example sequester, immigration, terrorists, guns, etc. OK, while these are surely disputable assertions, they aren’t false per se. What’s going on here?! Oh thank goodness—here we go: Read more on It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer…
  priorities

Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns

Terrible news, America. After decades of stockpiling obscene quantities of killing implements for fun and murder around the world, the good times are coming to an end now that Senator Jim Inhofe has gotten wind of the real reason the Department of Homeland Security is buying 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition: the government is trying to keep needy American gun owners from purchasing it. Did you notice how the Senate voted against expanding background checks lately? And have you noticed there is an ammunition shortage in some parts of the country? Jim Inhofe has carefully worked it out on his abacus, and boy, prepare to crap your pants. Read more on Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns…
  complaints are socialist

Cranky Sarah Palin Did Not Want to Go to Your Nerd Prom, Anyway

Grifter quitter slob Sarah Palin made her own White House Correspondents Dinner joke, guys! We are going to be optimistic and speculate that she has evolved to a new level of self-awareness. Why else would she be joking about how hard “our asses” are working when everyone knows Sarah Palin doesn’t have a job? Read more on Cranky Sarah Palin Did Not Want to Go to Your Nerd Prom, Anyway…
  a fine whine

Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford

Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a disservice in throwing these things to the front page as this paper did, before all the facts are known,” Sanford opines. Too true, too true. Accordingly, Mark Sanford would like a minute of your time to discuss how Mark Sanford is doing in the wake of these vicious attacks. Curiously, however, at no point is Mark Sanford ever talking about the Boston Marathon bombings. Read more on Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford…
  dept. of heroic political theater

Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something

Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this is John McCain’s beat — immigration reform, to prevent the next terrorist attack on the United States. Sure, why not. Can Lindsey Graham explain how immigration reform will also prevent climate change and diabetes, too? Read more on Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something…
  the anals of journamalism

Luke Russert Is Boston Bombing’s Edward R. Murrow

Doughy-cheeked nepotism hire (and Wonket coffee-mug model) Luke Russert is a big-time journamalist who knows how to cut through the chaff and get to the live beating heart of a news story. So as the crazy events played out overnight in Boston, with the Boston PD and federal agents engaged in a running gun battle with possible suspects in the marathon bombing and other reporters raced to the scene to send out updates while dodging gunfire, Luke was right there with them several hundred miles away, risking his mom’s wrath by staying up well past his bedtime to suss out the important facts in this big event. It is hard to believe such a larger-than-life media personality only costs NBC a six-figure salary and all the juice boxes he wants. Let us journey down the river of darkness that is this horrible week in New England, our hearts strengthened only by the fortitude of our guide: Read more on Luke Russert Is Boston Bombing’s Edward R. Murrow…
  me me me me me

K-Lo Ticked Boston Marathon Tragedy Didn’t Happen While She Was in Town

Gosh darnit, Kathryn-Jean Lopez left Boston just when “news” started happening. Don’t worry, K-Lo, you still win the reporting award as usual for communicating the least amount of information about any given topic while still managing to make it all about yourself. What are we even talking about? Oh, right. There is a horrible tragedy unfolding in Boston. Two explosions went off near the Boston Marathon finish line. Holy shit. Read more on K-Lo Ticked Boston Marathon Tragedy Didn’t Happen While She Was in Town…
  let's try this again

Hillary Clinton Elected President of Running for President in 2016

The votes are in: 51% of American voters have said in a poll that Hillary Clinton will run for president in 2016. Your Wonkette probably would have skipped the effort and just polled Hillary Clinton on whether she will run for president in 2016, but it is tradition in political journalism to first consult three hundred million people who have no idea what they are talking about for an opinion before eventually/never consulting the one who does. But okay, we hear you, America. No one misses the 2008 election more than your Wonkette. Read more on Hillary Clinton Elected President of Running for President in 2016…
  go to hell

If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron’s recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch! Read more on If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says…
  win of the afternoon

Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC

It turns out everyone’s favorite closeted homosexual support group the Republican Party seems to have wanted Lady Gaga at last summer’s Republican National Convention far more than it wanted noted sleeping aid Mitt Romney there: according to the hilarious details of a lawsuit against one of the RNC vendors, Lady Gaga was offered one million dollars to perform at the convention. Let’s all take a moment to hope that there is a parallel universe out there where she did in fact agree to appear for all the squealing Republican convention-goers, so we may all imagine the waxy tears in Lindsey Graham’s eyes as he mouthed along to the lyrics from his front-row seat. Read more on Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC…
  balls

Angry Teabaggers To March Around With Guns All Day Today, What Could Go Wrong?

A post from your comrade Gary Legum. Since the brave patriots of the Tea Party are all that stands between Commandant Obama and our right to own the thirty-round clips that make shooting up classrooms full of unarmed kindergarteners so much more efficient, today has been designated a “Day of Resistance” to President Obama’s gun-control push. Because putting together a list of action items regarding gun control and then suggesting the democratically elected national legislature consider working on some of them is exactly the sort of thing that Hitler would have done. Read more on Angry Teabaggers To March Around With Guns All Day Today, What Could Go Wrong?…
  that's not racial transcendence

It Is Cute When White People Try To Have Thoughts About Slavery

A guest post from your comrade Gary Legum. Here is the sum total of facts your Wonket knows about Emory University: it is located in Atlanta, and Emory’s current president, one James Wagner, is dumber than a bag of hammers. Okay, perhaps that last one is more opinion than fact. Here, let us read this stupid thing he wrote about how awesome the Three-Fifths Compromise was, enshrining the unequalness of all God’s created men right thar in Jesus’s Amercia Bible, to see if we change our minds! Read more on It Is Cute When White People Try To Have Thoughts About Slavery…
  i fought godwin's law and the law won

Tea Party Nation: Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler. Also: Hitler

A guest post from your compatriot Gary Legum. Part of being a world-class news organization/recipe hub/lit blog/mommyblog like Wonket involves subscribing to the email lists of organizations we would otherwise like to pretend are too abominable to exist in a just and rational universe. Which is why emails from Tea Party Nation with subject lines like “State of the Union: Liberals are the New Nazis” keep landing in our inbox, right next to our latest credit card statement (oh high-interest debt, you will be paid off/defaulted on some day!) Let us read on to discover how lapsed Jews like us are really embracing Nazism! In the last fifty years or so, the left has tried to portray the Nazi Party of Germany’s Third Reich as basically the Republican Party on mild steroids. This is backwards. Our orders, which we receive during our monthly séances directly from Emma Goldman’s disembodied head when it materializes in our gay psychic’s fetish dungeon, are to say that it is the Republican Party that is basically the Nazis on mild steroids. You would think that after fifty years these guys could at least get that part of our devious plot correct! We are sure Tea Party Nation regrets the error. Read more on Tea Party Nation: Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler. Also: Hitler…
  wonkette style section

Shooting People: So Hot Right Now!

A guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. Say goodbye to Ugg boots, throw those skinny jeans in the trash (seriously), the hot new fad these days is just fucking stone cold shooting people! For anyone who pisses you off, gets in your way, or tries to make you show up for court, standing your second amendment ground is the hot new way to deal with ALL of life’s problems! The latest fad to sweep across the land of the free and home of the armed of course started with a “bang” when the original ground-standing pioneer, George Zimmerman, showed that skittles-brandishing bad ass hoodie what for, but it has now spread like small-arms fire to cities and towns across America! We’ve had so many fine examples of how hot this trend is just this week! Read more on Shooting People: So Hot Right Now!…
  sandy can't you see i'm in misery

Gracious House Of Representatives To NJ, CT And NY: Fine, Here’s Your Stupid Hurricane Money

Another guest post from your comrade Fakakta South. The House finally voted Tuesday to graciously give out approximately $50.5 billion to the states hit hardest by the freakishly strong Frankenstorm of the Century, Hurricane Sandy. The measure passed with a vote of 241-180, with 179 Republicans voting against giving any money to anyone ever again at all. It has been 80 days since one of the worst storms ever recorded by the obviously Socialist National Weather Monitoring Systems swept across the Northeast in yet another attempt by an angry God to punish all the gayness and abortioning in America. In that time, we re-elected a President, hundreds of Americans died in violent gun deaths, Republicans spent all their time trying to ban abortion harder, and Chris Christie became a confusingly rational hero for people who believe when we have a devastating natural disaster in this country we should try to fix it and that John Boehner is a callous, disgusting failure. Read more on Gracious House Of Representatives To NJ, CT And NY: Fine, Here’s Your Stupid Hurricane Money…