Author Archives: Wonkette Jr.

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Info: Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!
  poll pr0n

New Poll: Michele Bachmann Already Losing Her House Race

Here is an important 2014 election update brought to you by AHAHAHAHAHAHA: Michele Bachmann is trailing her Democratic challenger for her House seat by two points, according to a new survey from Public Policy Polling: The survey…shows Democrat Jim Graves leading Bachmann, a four-term congresswoman and former GOP presidential candidate, 47 percent to 45 percent. The results are within the poll’s 4.4 percentage point margin of error. This is a pretty humiliating thing, as a Republican, to lose your seat in Minnesota’s most conservative congressional district. Your Wonkette is going to have a drink to, uh, celebrate this thing that has not yet happened and speculate extremely prematurely on what Michele Bachmann might do with her time after her stench is ejected from the landfill known as Congress, for being too foul. Let’s have some ideas, after the jump!  Read more on New Poll: Michele Bachmann Already Losing Her House Race…
  yawn

BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!

Siren! Siren! ALL CAPS!! Politico Breaking News Email!! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Extra! Extra! In a wild and spectacular vote, full of legislative twists and turns, with each side employing devastating knowledge of legislative procedure, the House of Representatives kept reporters, bloggers, and all 4 viewers of CSPAN sore from sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the outcome. Finally, just moments ago, after what can only be described as THE GREATEST LEGISLATIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THE UNIVERSE EVER FORREALS, the House has (gasp!) voted to repeal Obamacare! Read more on BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!…
  no seriously fuck those guys

Hero Oklahoma Rep. Leads Charge To Save Poor From Eating Food

DDM here, drinking an Irish Coffee and wondering how the GOP will find new ways to screw the poors today. I’m new here, and have only been guestblogging for about a week. But I want to submit an entry for Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year (Federal Level Edition). He is my old pal, Rep. Frank Lucas (R-Black Cloud of Poor Hating). Last week, he was working on screwing the poors overseas. Let’s see how he wants to make sure the poor stay hungry and pliant here in the US of A, too! Finally, this recession is getting a little better, and the unemployment numbers and the deficit level are dropping. Sure, lots of people are still poors and whatnot, but it is getting better. As good libruls, Yr Wonkette believes that with a little help from government programs like reduced price (or even free!) school lunches, food stamps, and help with heating bills during the winter, the gubment can help folks in rough times so they are better positioned to get a jerb when the economy gets better. And just as things are looking to get better, cue a farthead from the GOP to come in and give us a rainy cloud of foaming sploding pig shit. Read more on Hero Oklahoma Rep. Leads Charge To Save Poor From Eating Food…
  wonksplainer

BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp

This wonksplainer by DDM was brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Let’s travel back in time to April, 2010. After years of stroking and massaging from federal and state tax cuts, BP blows a huge oily load into New Orleans’ backyard. BP looks around, says, “Sorry about the mess.  Here’s a few million for your inconvenience.” Ahhh, memories. Hey, whatever happened to that money? We trust you to put that money to good use! What’s that?  You have a mad crush on Padma Lakshmi and that bald guy from celebratainment tee-vee program Top Chef? Are you thinking what I am thinking? Eyeless shrimp challenge! Read more on BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp…
  is that any way to treat a lady?

Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick

Guestblogger DDM here, again, to splain how Sen. Vitter is being a total dick.  Sometimes Congresscritters, because of their nature, decide to be total dicks, just for funzies. Since 2011, the GOP has found a secret stash of dickatude, so they are busily being dicks all over the place. Let’s explore one example: Sen. Vitter (R-RedLight District) is either a very inquisitive man (unlikely) or is being an obstructionist dickhole to Pres. Obama’s EPA nominee Gina McCarthy. Now we all know that when a Republican President signed the bill to create the EPA back in 1970, it was clearly intended to be a front for liberal activists to ruin all businesses everywhere to make sure that owls could keep people awake at night, right? Well, Sen. Vitter, who does not at all wear diapers when he has sexytime with the pros, has decided to make it his personal mission to be the mouthpiece of every nemesis of Captain Planet by doing everything he can possibly do to stop this woman from being confirmed as head of the EPA. It is a good thing we do not need the environment anymore! Read more on Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick…
  wonksplainer

But What About Gay Messicans?

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them FUCKING RIGHTS. HashtagHappyEmoticon. But there is also happy nice time for teh gheyz on Capitol Hill.  As you may have heard, Congress is debating whether or not to allow Messicans to completely overrun the country and take away all our freedoms and spend all our tax monies on anchor babies, through immigration reform. As it turns out, apparently they’re talking about the ghey, as well. Sen. Leahy (D-Rainbows & Smiles) has filed two amendments to let same-sex couples be treated like human beings regarding immigration. The first, stronger one, allows an American in a bi-national same-sex couple to sponsor the non-American for immigration. For example, if an American lady falls in love with a woman here on a work visa (stealing a job from a real Merican), then this amendment would allow that love to flourish here in the U.S. of A., without deporting said foreigner. The second amendment is weaker – it would allow binational GLBTQMORELETTERS couples who are legally married under state law to sponsor for immigration, meaning only those married in the 11 happy happy states that allow gay marriage (and DC, dammit!! We count!!). Clearly, this has caused those on the right to froth like a rabid Paul Ryan (R-Biceps) without his Tiger Beat.  I mean, do these gays want ALL the same rights as straight people? There has to be a line somewhere. And on that line, we would like to build a giant fence, injeebusnamenowgohomeyouhomokthanksbye. But wait, DDM! I noticed that you said the nice SenatorMan “filed two amendments.” What does that mean? Some wonksplanation is needed! Read more on But What About Gay Messicans?…
  priorities

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom Act, to defend history’s most sacred freedom of all. The bill would encourage cable companies to offer channels a la carte in lieu of the current tyrannical model, which forces consumers to pay for bundles that include unwanted channels. We do not care whatsoever about how much people must pay for mindless entertainment, but here is where we would like to note that the traditional congressional approach of “always doing nothing” to stop this crisis would likely better serve the American public by possibly encouraging cable television viewership to continue to decline. We assume, however, that John McCain’s heroic effort is aimed at making sure he doesn’t break with that other congressional tradition of “always making things worse.” In McCain’s defense, why ruin a perfect record? Read more on John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers…
  first they came for the teabaggers and we said hooray!

Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained

So folks on the right and in the blogospheres are all argle bargle ranty ranty because the IRS just published an apology for giving special attention to groups asking for tax-exempt status that had the words “tea party” and “patriot” in their names. Seems like there be a need for some splainin about what they hell tax-exempt groups are, and what all the argle bargle is about. Tax laws exempt some organizations from paying taxes, like charities, religious organizations, educational groups (colleges), and others. Most of these are listed under the tax code 501c3 and 501c4. 501c3 organizations are your run-of-the-mill charities, like Habitat for Humanity. If you give them money, you can take a tax deduction (yay! Happy times!). They can spend VERY limited funds on political activities (like lobbying and buying hookers for politicians). 501c4 organizations are called “social welfare organizations.” They are tax exempt, and can spend some money on lobbying and trying to influence the political debate. But their primary purpose CANNOT be political campaigning. If you donate to this type of organization, you do not collect a tax deduction, do not pass go, whatever. Neither c4 groups nor c3 groups have to disclose their funders/donors. Now, noted fucktard and shitspewer Karl Rove (R-8th Level of Hell) set up Crossroads GPS as a 501c4 organization. However, when he set it up in 2010, he actually said that political spending would not constitute the organization’s primary purpose. In reality, he spent an asston of monies trying to influence the election. But if the truth doesn’t matter about sending kids off to war, why should it matter on when filling out silly legally binding forms? Read more on Hey What’s The Deal With The IRS Oppressing Those Poor Teabaggers? Obscure Tax Law Wonksplained…
  wonksplainer

Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!

Back by popular demand, I’m here to wonksplain how our stupid Congresspeople continue to legislate with the combined IQ of a Michelle Malkin and Glenn Beck love child. Today’s topic: International Food Aid! Or, why your tax monies is going to help poor Ethernopians in the most inefficient way possible. Put on your thinking caps and grab a bottle of whiskey, cause there be learnin str8 ahead. Read more on Why Does The GOP Love Wasting Money On African Food Aid? A Wonksplainer!…
  a civil debate

Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?

Time Magazine is here to troll everyone with yet another cover story about Kids These Days and Their Lawns (Getting Off of). We have not read it, because Time Magazine. And yet we have decided to debate this Important Issue anyway. Taking the pro-Millennial position will be Rich Abdill (12). Taking the anti-Millennial position will be Rebecca Schoenkopf (40 And Foxy). The child will begin. Read more on Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?…
  sausagefest

Time To Make The Budget! A Wonksplainer

A guest Wonksplainer from your compatriot, DDM. How does the actual process work where all our monies go to bortions for illegal Messicans who steal jobs from ‘Mericans? Turns out, it’s an archaic, complicated process that can confuse even the Wonkette staff, many of whom have fancy law degrees. Here’s the process: The President submits a budget the first week of February, unless you are a Lazy Blah, in which case you wait until April because, fuck it, it is not like they are going to vote on shit anyway. Read more on Time To Make The Budget! A Wonksplainer…
  life skills of the future

Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns

This is a guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” We are all Jetsons now with our 3D printers spitting out all kinds of shit all the time, like houses and ears and spiky-tipped dildos and also now guns named by unimaginative libertarian dipsticks. Meet the, ahem, “Liberator,” everybody! The New York Post has a typically panicked cover story about the first functional 3D printed gun. This is supposed to give us the vapors, because “the weapon would elude metal detection,” and the company behind it is about to publish the blueprints, so “anyone, including terrorists” can print one. While panic is always fun and it would be even more fun to see what would happen if we all as a group fainted at the same time, there are a few reasons why nobody should freak out about this. Read more on Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns…
  insane in the brain

Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann

Beloved nut Michele Bachmann, whom we mostly picture these days as a wee Roomba whirring around on the carpet of her House offices sucking up dropped pain pills, is having some legal problems lately. Have you heard? The chief justice of the Iowa Supreme Court will name an independent investigator to look at claims she illegally hired Iowa state Sen. Kent Sorenson to work for her failed (in the political not the comedy sense) presidential campaign. This allegation was recently backed up by her former staffer Andy Parrish with an affidavit along the lines of, “yeah, she knew about it.” The situation is apparently Quite Serious because “hella campaign finance violations,” and the stress is taking such a toll on Michele Bachmann that Michele Bachmann claimed during a House speech that Michele Bachmann voted against spending cuts out of fear they would hurt the poor. Shit is serious. Read more on Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann… Read more on Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann…
  it's not a lie if you believe it

It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer

A guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” Charles Krauthammer is known to many Americans as a roasted chicken perched atop a can of cheap domestic beer. He has a lucrative job writing untrue things about important topics like politics, war, economics and history in order to prevent too many people from becoming informed. He must be very smart because he has figured out a way to get newspapers like The Washington Post to pay him huge sums of money for writing untrue things even though The Washington Post Company’s own motto (?) is “informing people through education and media”, which is another way of saying “the opposite of what Charles Krauthammer does for us, for money.” If The Washington Post were a plumber, Charles Krauthammer would be the gnawed-up corncob the plumber flushes down your toilet, because fuck you. (Jennifer Rubin is also the corncob.) Charles Krauthammer’s most recent thing he wrote for money goes on and on about how Obama is now “dead in the water” because he is a loser, for example sequester, immigration, terrorists, guns, etc. OK, while these are surely disputable assertions, they aren’t false per se. What’s going on here?! Oh thank goodness—here we go: Read more on It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer…
  priorities

Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns

Terrible news, America. After decades of stockpiling obscene quantities of killing implements for fun and murder around the world, the good times are coming to an end now that Senator Jim Inhofe has gotten wind of the real reason the Department of Homeland Security is buying 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition: the government is trying to keep needy American gun owners from purchasing it. Did you notice how the Senate voted against expanding background checks lately? And have you noticed there is an ammunition shortage in some parts of the country? Jim Inhofe has carefully worked it out on his abacus, and boy, prepare to crap your pants. Read more on Jim Inhofe Introduces Bill to Provide Desperately Needed Bullets for Starved American Guns…
  complaints are socialist

Cranky Sarah Palin Did Not Want to Go to Your Nerd Prom, Anyway

Grifter quitter slob Sarah Palin made her own White House Correspondents Dinner joke, guys! We are going to be optimistic and speculate that she has evolved to a new level of self-awareness. Why else would she be joking about how hard “our asses” are working when everyone knows Sarah Palin doesn’t have a job? Read more on Cranky Sarah Palin Did Not Want to Go to Your Nerd Prom, Anyway…