Author Archives: Wonkette Jr.

Full Name: Wonkette Jr. Website:
Info: Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!
  Won’t someone please think of the white people?

Daily Caller: Never Forget That Black Lady Who Used To Be Blackness Czar Racisted A White General, With Racism

The REAL racists, obviously
Hot on the heels of the Helter-Skelter-provoking interview with Barack and Michelle Obummer in People magazine, in which they had the uppityness to claim that maybe being black maybe isn’t always a sunshine-and-daisies walk in the park in U.S. America, the always-sincere-and-genuine “journalists” at the Daily Caller have once again raised the tenor of the national conversation on race, by making it all about white people. Read more on Daily Caller: Never Forget That Black Lady Who Used To Be Blackness Czar Racisted A White General, With Racism…
  also a cooking blog

Nostalgic Repost Of Repasts Past: The Jell-O Recipe That Mamie Eisenhower Used To Win The Cold War

Another Wonkette Thanksgiving Classic, for Thanksgiving. And America. Here is your bit of “DC gossip” for the day: a Jell-O dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower’s famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there with “friend” Lenora Hickok, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious. Read more on Nostalgic Repost Of Repasts Past: The Jell-O Recipe That Mamie Eisenhower Used To Win The Cold War…
  gross

Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?

Blind item! Gossipy thing! Drudge siren! Which blatantly coupled-up DC “journalist” guy (just kidding about the “journalist” part) is going around hitting on DC women, and then standing them up? We wonder if you will ever be able to guess. Our source, a well-educated lady employed by one of the District’s fine institutions of higher learning, was browsing at a Dupont Circle bookstore in the late afternoon when a “scruffy” guy started chatting her up. He had a certain awkward charm despite the ham-handed way he dropped the name of his employer, a prominent conservative media organ with offices nearby. Phone numbers were disclosed and later that night he popped up asking for a lunch date. Cute! Nerdy! We here at Wonkette were mildly scandalized to learn of this flirty boy’s identity since he has, by his own design, become somewhat known for having a girlfriend, who also works in DC media. We were also surprised, as might be his high-profile boss, to hear he’s taken to calling himself a “managing editor.” Read more on Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?…
  a visit to the goon squad

Bryan Fischer Blessed My Hot Gay Marriage

Yr Wonkette is pleased to bring you a special guest bloogpost by longtime commenter ElviouslyQueer. And congratulations, EQ! What has your intrepid correspondent, the beloved Elviouslyqueer, been up to this weekend? GLAD YOU ASKED! I was in Minnesota, at the Mall of America, getting my very gay ass™ very officially gay married on Saturday (there was a chapel! There were beads! There was booze galore, and delicious cake!). I even rode a mechanical bull, because I am classy and shit. My newly minted hubby and I continued celebrating the next day by going to Twin Cities Pride and laughing at the many, many scantily clad tweens for whom the “Dick Pocket” seemed to be this years’ de rigueur clothing accessory, before heading back to Mississippi. And, you also ask, was there a honeymoon? There was NOT a honeymoon because we are not richer than fuck and cannot afford a two-week long vacay to Mykonos or The Pines or wherever it is where all good gays go (we shopped, also too, so we are now officially the best-dressed poors in the Mid-South). Read more on Bryan Fischer Blessed My Hot Gay Marriage…
  Polygamy Is For Winners

Sister Wives: Creepy Dad Throws Creepy Party For Creepy Family, Creepy Self

This week’s episode of “Sister Wives” was more a mash up than an episode. It felt like the editors didn’t have enough on one topic, so cobbled a bunch of things together to generate 45 minutes of outcasted Mormon fun. The non-sequiters were bumpin’ and I kept waiting for strobe lights to appear and Vanilla Ice’s old beats to carry the scenes. Read more on Sister Wives: Creepy Dad Throws Creepy Party For Creepy Family, Creepy Self…
  what's that spell? whore!

A Very Angry Guest Post About Annette Funicello

A guest post from your comrade “Lou Cabron.” And speaking of sluts, three weeks ago pastor Steven Anderson strolled into his Arizona church with proof that “the birth control movement” was promoting whoredom. So the pastor waves around his flimsy print-out, sternly warning the congregation that Annette Funicello is a whore whoring it up with birth control, contributing to whoredom, which “is what birth control does to our society.” Unfortunately, it turned out to be an ad for suntan lotion. Read more on A Very Angry Guest Post About Annette Funicello…
  even your mother

Literally Everyone Is A Better Choice Than Piers Morgan For A CNN Nightly News Show

Piers Morgan should not be making headlines. It simply isn’t news to discover that his catastrophically low-rated show is being canceled. But that’s not to say the story shouldn’t have been covered. It should have been covered every day. Every day Piers Morgan was allowed to have a one-hour show on CNN was a miracle, a reminder that justice is a philosophical construct, that we do not live in a moral universe. The Associated Press should have issued a story every single day since January 17th, 2011: Piers Morgan Is Still On Television. Read more on Literally Everyone Is A Better Choice Than Piers Morgan For A CNN Nightly News Show…
  it's aliiiiiive

Science Nice Time: Rumors of Adorable Moon Rover Jade Rabbit’s Death Greatly Exaggerated

Have you heard about Yùtù? No, we do not mean the rock band. Yùtù is Mandarin for “Jade Rabbit,” and is the name of the lunar rover in China’s Chang’e 3 mission. Jade Rabbit has been rolling around for a few months now, being adorable. Read more on Science Nice Time: Rumors of Adorable Moon Rover Jade Rabbit’s Death Greatly Exaggerated…
  Facts! How do they work?

Chuck Todd’s Feelings About Congressional Budget Office Report On Obamacare Probably Most Important Thing About It

This morning the Congressional Budget Office released a new report [pdf] on the nation’s fiscal outlook for the next ten years. About thirty seconds later partisans on both sides of the ideological divide started spinning that the report was either good news for America or yet more evidence that Obama is some unholy combination of Jimmy Carter, an irresponsible teenager, and Satan. Amiable dunderhead Chuck Todd, who always reminds us of that guy whose peak in life was getting elected president of his class at a small liberal arts college, wants everyone to know that the cretinous skinsuits in the GOP will have feels about the report. (Or is it the cretinous skinsuit that is Chuck Todd who is having these feels? We are debating this in the chatcave, along with how many Chuck Todds can dance on the head of a pin.) Read more on Chuck Todd’s Feelings About Congressional Budget Office Report On Obamacare Probably Most Important Thing About It…
  mayor to live in a van down by the river

Scenarios For The Inevitable Rob Ford Biopic

By Kaleb Horton Rob Ford is dead. His story is finished: he has reached the peak scandal level afforded by his office. Rob Ford drinks vodka in the woods and smokes crack on camera and darkness has descended on Toronto. There is nowhere to go and there are no jokes left to make. It’s done. He would need to murder a man in low-earth orbit to top himself. No longer is it a mere novelty that a man who looks like Chris Farley can be so unrepentantly evil yet walk the earth a free man. Read more on Scenarios For The Inevitable Rob Ford Biopic…
  winepocalypse now

Global Wine Shortage Could Spell Doom For Dinner Parties, Street Living

Soon we will be rationing wine like common paupers, Margo. The thought of it! Morgan Stanley Research took a major dump on everyone’s Halloween by releasing a report outlining a global undersupply in cases of wine, about 300 million. This is the lowest in nearly fifty years, notably around the time the President of the United States was ASSASSINATED! Coincidence? Probably, but who cares!! Read more on Global Wine Shortage Could Spell Doom For Dinner Parties, Street Living…
  do it in the butt

Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates

We thought we had heard all the excuses for why gay people should be denied the right to get married, but this is a new one: An anti-gay politico in Mexico, Ana María Jiménez Ortiz, has determined that gay people should not get marriage because gay people do not face one another during sex: “Marriage should only be considered as those relationships in which the members have sex facing each other, which does not occur between homosexual couples.” This raises all sorts of important questions, and your Wonket intends to get to the bottom of them. Read more on Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates…
  72 virgins have joined this call

Here Is Your Al Qaeda Conference Call Bingo Card, For Freedom, And Jihad

Click to embiggen. News came today that a terror plot in Yemen — or another terror plot, nobody knows, whatever — may have been foiled when Edward Snowden and Vladimir Putin exposed an Al Qaeda conference call among “dozens” of leaders, we are pretty sure that is how it went down. Read more on Here Is Your Al Qaeda Conference Call Bingo Card, For Freedom, And Jihad…
  jesus slept

Let’s All Laugh At The Christianist ‘Sociologists’ With An Actual Sociologist Who Is Not Dumb!

A guest post from your comrade Darren Sherkat, a real live sociologist who accidentally thoroughly discredited the bullshit Regnerus “homos kill their babies” study. Hey Wonketteers, remember in “college” when you took that course in “sociology”? You know, the one taught by an androgynous hippy, and where you learned about inequality and racism and sexism, and how to become a communist homosexican? Obviously, you passed or you wouldn’t be reading Wonkette! Well, would you believe that there is an Association of Christians Teaching Sociology? No fucking way, you say? Way! Indeed, their keynote speaker for this weekend’s meeting is Marky Mark Regnerus — author of the Bullshit Gay Parenting study! No doubt Marky Mark will be telling his fans about his bullshit study, where he got nearly a million dollars from his boyfriend Bradley Wilcox’s foundation to prove that gays and lesbians make their children homos by molesting them and cause all manner of negative outcomes, too. He did this bullshit study by trolling through an online, non-random marketing study where he asked the trolls who munch Cheetos and fill out questionnaires for monies if their mom or dad ever had a “romantic relationship” with someone of the same sex? Out of 13k non-random trolls, about 245 (depending on which codebook you believe) said yes! Which must mean they were raised by a pack of lesbos, right? Wrong, actually, further analysis inquiries showed that only 2 of the trolls were supposedly raised by lesbians. None of the people were really parented by gays or lesbians. But, in Christian sociology bad data, worse measures, and perfunctory analyses are SCIENCE god damn it, and Marky Mark will be in Illinois telling his little buddies that he proved that gays and lesbians are evil parents! Praise the lord. Read more on Let’s All Laugh At The Christianist ‘Sociologists’ With An Actual Sociologist Who Is Not Dumb!…
  NOONERS!

Peggy Noonan’s New Column Comes Wrapped In Authentic Sense Of Wingnut Victimhood Plus An American Flag, Probably

Greetings Wonkette, and welcome to what has become our semi-regular Bataan Death March through Peggy Noonan’s latest column. In the past week Nooners has gotten her teeth into the IRS story like an aristocratic pit bull with lockjaw chomping down on a bone and oh Lord one can almost hear the saliva dripping off her fangs onto the parquet floor of her sitting room. Let us gaze upon her mighty works and despair together. “I don’t know.” “I don’t remember.” “I’m not familiar with that detail.” “It’s not my precise area.” “I’m not familiar with that letter.” These are quotes from the Internal Revenue Service officials who testified this week before the House and Senate. That is the authentic sound of stonewalling, and from the kind of people who run Washington in the modern age—smooth, highly credentialed and unaccountable. A thought experiment: replace the words “Internal Revenue Service” with the words “Reagan Administration” and see if those two paragraphs wouldn’t be right at home in a Jack Anderson column circa 1987. Not that Pegs would admit it but as Bill Clinton might say, it takes some brass to come down on the IRS with those quotes when you have spent twenty-five years telling everyone that your sainted boss Reagan’s biggest scandal was a simple “mistake” for which the president bore no responsibility. Really Peggy, you lost all moral credibility to snark about another administration’s fuck-ups when you sold your soul a long time ago for a pint of absinthe and an invite to sneer in George Stephanopoulos’ face every Sunday morning from now until the trumpets sound. Would you like to shut up now? No? Fine, we can do this all day. Read more on Peggy Noonan’s New Column Comes Wrapped In Authentic Sense Of Wingnut Victimhood Plus An American Flag, Probably…
  poll pr0n

New Poll: Michele Bachmann Already Losing Her House Race

Here is an important 2014 election update brought to you by AHAHAHAHAHAHA: Michele Bachmann is trailing her Democratic challenger for her House seat by two points, according to a new survey from Public Policy Polling: The survey…shows Democrat Jim Graves leading Bachmann, a four-term congresswoman and former GOP presidential candidate, 47 percent to 45 percent. The results are within the poll’s 4.4 percentage point margin of error. This is a pretty humiliating thing, as a Republican, to lose your seat in Minnesota’s most conservative congressional district. Your Wonkette is going to have a drink to, uh, celebrate this thing that has not yet happened and speculate extremely prematurely on what Michele Bachmann might do with her time after her stench is ejected from the landfill known as Congress, for being too foul. Let’s have some ideas, after the jump!  Read more on New Poll: Michele Bachmann Already Losing Her House Race…
  yawn

BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!

Siren! Siren! ALL CAPS!! Politico Breaking News Email!! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Extra! Extra! In a wild and spectacular vote, full of legislative twists and turns, with each side employing devastating knowledge of legislative procedure, the House of Representatives kept reporters, bloggers, and all 4 viewers of CSPAN sore from sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the outcome. Finally, just moments ago, after what can only be described as THE GREATEST LEGISLATIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THE UNIVERSE EVER FORREALS, the House has (gasp!) voted to repeal Obamacare! Read more on BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!…
  no seriously fuck those guys

Hero Oklahoma Rep. Leads Charge To Save Poor From Eating Food

DDM here, drinking an Irish Coffee and wondering how the GOP will find new ways to screw the poors today. I’m new here, and have only been guestblogging for about a week. But I want to submit an entry for Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year (Federal Level Edition). He is my old pal, Rep. Frank Lucas (R-Black Cloud of Poor Hating). Last week, he was working on screwing the poors overseas. Let’s see how he wants to make sure the poor stay hungry and pliant here in the US of A, too! Finally, this recession is getting a little better, and the unemployment numbers and the deficit level are dropping. Sure, lots of people are still poors and whatnot, but it is getting better. As good libruls, Yr Wonkette believes that with a little help from government programs like reduced price (or even free!) school lunches, food stamps, and help with heating bills during the winter, the gubment can help folks in rough times so they are better positioned to get a jerb when the economy gets better. And just as things are looking to get better, cue a farthead from the GOP to come in and give us a rainy cloud of foaming sploding pig shit. Read more on Hero Oklahoma Rep. Leads Charge To Save Poor From Eating Food…
  wonksplainer

BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp

This wonksplainer by DDM was brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Let’s travel back in time to April, 2010. After years of stroking and massaging from federal and state tax cuts, BP blows a huge oily load into New Orleans’ backyard. BP looks around, says, “Sorry about the mess.  Here’s a few million for your inconvenience.” Ahhh, memories. Hey, whatever happened to that money? We trust you to put that money to good use! What’s that?  You have a mad crush on Padma Lakshmi and that bald guy from celebratainment tee-vee program Top Chef? Are you thinking what I am thinking? Eyeless shrimp challenge! Read more on BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp…
  is that any way to treat a lady?

Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick

Guestblogger DDM here, again, to splain how Sen. Vitter is being a total dick.  Sometimes Congresscritters, because of their nature, decide to be total dicks, just for funzies. Since 2011, the GOP has found a secret stash of dickatude, so they are busily being dicks all over the place. Let’s explore one example: Sen. Vitter (R-RedLight District) is either a very inquisitive man (unlikely) or is being an obstructionist dickhole to Pres. Obama’s EPA nominee Gina McCarthy. Now we all know that when a Republican President signed the bill to create the EPA back in 1970, it was clearly intended to be a front for liberal activists to ruin all businesses everywhere to make sure that owls could keep people awake at night, right? Well, Sen. Vitter, who does not at all wear diapers when he has sexytime with the pros, has decided to make it his personal mission to be the mouthpiece of every nemesis of Captain Planet by doing everything he can possibly do to stop this woman from being confirmed as head of the EPA. It is a good thing we do not need the environment anymore! Read more on Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick…
  wonksplainer

But What About Gay Messicans?

DDM back to help splain some Congressional nitty-gritty-ness. There have been lots of happy nice times about our GLBTQMORELETTERS friends lately, because people around the country are finally looking around and saying, hey, these gay folks ain’t that bad! In fact, they seem almost like actual human beings, so maybe we could, you know, give them FUCKING RIGHTS. HashtagHappyEmoticon. But there is also happy nice time for teh gheyz on Capitol Hill.  As you may have heard, Congress is debating whether or not to allow Messicans to completely overrun the country and take away all our freedoms and spend all our tax monies on anchor babies, through immigration reform. As it turns out, apparently they’re talking about the ghey, as well. Sen. Leahy (D-Rainbows & Smiles) has filed two amendments to let same-sex couples be treated like human beings regarding immigration. The first, stronger one, allows an American in a bi-national same-sex couple to sponsor the non-American for immigration. For example, if an American lady falls in love with a woman here on a work visa (stealing a job from a real Merican), then this amendment would allow that love to flourish here in the U.S. of A., without deporting said foreigner. The second amendment is weaker – it would allow binational GLBTQMORELETTERS couples who are legally married under state law to sponsor for immigration, meaning only those married in the 11 happy happy states that allow gay marriage (and DC, dammit!! We count!!). Clearly, this has caused those on the right to froth like a rabid Paul Ryan (R-Biceps) without his Tiger Beat.  I mean, do these gays want ALL the same rights as straight people? There has to be a line somewhere. And on that line, we would like to build a giant fence, injeebusnamenowgohomeyouhomokthanksbye. But wait, DDM! I noticed that you said the nice SenatorMan “filed two amendments.” What does that mean? Some wonksplanation is needed! Read more on But What About Gay Messicans?…