Author Archives: wonkette

 

What Is Wonkette?

If you look over to your right there, you will see the official description of Wonkette (the one our boss wrote): “Wonkette is an online roundup of gossip from Washington, DC and the US political arena.” Read more on What Is Wonkette?…
 

AMC Live-Blogging the SOTU: Watch Out for Those Human-Animal Hybrids

8:54 PM Welcome. Wonkette (Original Wonkette) household is tuned to the ‘SPAN right now, where the pandering and gladhanding can be watched without interruption. Everything’s overlit and we’re hoping someone brought a flask. 8:57 PM Arresting Cindy Sheehan. So best. Not clear what they arrested her for, but I trust they’ve been listening to her phone calls and therefore know better than us. 8:59 PM OMG: Wolf on CNN just reference how “good” Dick Cheney looks. Brokeback correspondent? Now a cut to Laura’s box (as it were). Where’s REX? 9:00 PM Mrs. Alito could start crying at any moment. Is that on the drinking game? Who will start crying first, Mrs. Alito or Anderson Cooper? 9:02 PM The Veterans Affairs guy is the one assigned to stay away tonight. Seeing as how he’s the one of the ones demonstrably not doing his job, great planning. Tipsy typing continues after the jump. Read more on AMC Live-Blogging the SOTU: Watch Out for Those Human-Animal Hybrids…
 

Holly, Once-Over Lightly

Spent from our last close Note encounter, we are calling it a guest-blogging career. We’ve much enjoyed our tour of duty as surrogate content providers for Wonkette World Enterprises, and we’ve been delighted to serve as Powertown docents through wind, snow, sleet, and, well, snow. We bid you all godspeed, and extend a warm shout-out to tomorrow’s entrant, Ezra Klein, an amazingly precocious American Prospect writing fellow, eloquent opiner, and of course proprietor of an eponymous blog. Be nice to the fellow, and also think kindly of us when you chance to, happy as a lark and without a cent. –HOLLY MARTINS Read more on Holly, Once-Over Lightly…
 

Decoding the Note: We Can Stop Anytime We Want Edition

We tried, honestly, on what promises to be our swan song in Wonkette guest-blogging, to lay off the devoted practitioners of the Halperinite Tendency over at ABC. Be gracious in retiring, we told ourselves; spare a kind word, or at least a circumspect silence for the language-mangling media elitists who thrill to each fresh beat of Dan Bartlett’s heart. But our better angels did not conquer. As we let our eyes rest on the practiced vacuities slithering out of the many-fingered beast that is Team Note, we could remain silent no longer. Consider, first of all, today’s Notely overture: There is some elaborate seasoned-pol style throat clearing to the effect of “the Clinton White House was leaky; the Bush one not so much.” Only, you know, delivered in three hundred so words of preening self-congratulation, for having been so close to so many powerful apparatchiks for so long. Then, the irrelevant, though no less irritating aside: Out goes the elaborate lede we had written based on yet another leak (the early reviews of Tim Kaine’s State of the Union response preps, which we will save for a non-rainy day). Instead here is our insider report on this morning’s White House senior staff meeting. Yes, because the lead (or, if you must, Note, “lede”) you have selected instead is so much less fucking elaborate. And correct us if we are wrong, but aren’t you all publicly congratulating yourselves for receiving a White House-orchestrated piece of pre-debate smear in the classic Rove-Bartlett vintage? This tickles your pride as journalists how, exactly? More Notely questions after the jump. Read more on Decoding the Note: We Can Stop Anytime We Want Edition…
 

In Addition to Which, if we Were Going to Bomb Our Citizens, Why, Then We’d Certainly Obtain a Warrant Beforehand

Michael V. Hayden, former head of the National Security Agency, is mounting a White House-endorsed PR offensive for the legally innovative wiretapping initiative, WaPo reporter Michael Branigan writes. (Preferred Wonkette HQ usage for the program, by the way, is “Warrants? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Warrants!”) Warming to the task, Hadley volunteered that if a procedure-smiting spy program had been in place prior to Sept. 11, “we would have detected some of the al Qaeda operatives in the United States, and we would have identified them as such.” Hadley produced no evidence to support this claim–which may well be a good thing, since this is what it sounds like when he does try to appeal to evidence: Read more on In Addition to Which, if we Were Going to Bomb Our Citizens, Why, Then We’d Certainly Obtain a Warrant Beforehand…
 

What, You Wouldn’t Leave Money to Someone Who Screwed You?

Margaret Elizabeth Taylor, a 98-year old widow from Findlay, Ohio, who died last November, instructed the executor of her $1.5 million estate to fork the whole works over to the federal government, with the explicit instruction that it be dedicated to reducing to the national debt. Never mind that said debt now finances all sorts of rampant idiocy–from the Office of Faith-Based Charities to the sunny prose stylings of the Lincoln Group. Never mind, in addition, that Ms. Taylor was “a staunch Democrat” and that her own attorney, Tom Drake says he would have counseled against the bequest. It’s easy to make sport of all this, but we figure an Ohio Democrat at the end of her days, having suffered through November 2004, is entitled to any stunningly meaningless send-off gesture of her choosing. After all, it’s not as though her vote counted when she was alive. –HOLLY MARTINS Read more on What, You Wouldn’t Leave Money to Someone Who Screwed You?…
 

Further Proof that Winter Sports Are Just a Dumb Idea

With Bob Ney in a state of Abramoff-induced leadership quarantine, his former post as Dumbest Congressman Ever is going begging. But we think New York congressman John Sweeney is a real up-and-comer. After news of the Abramoff plea deal forced vigorous, symbolic dollar-scrubbings from Denny Hastert on down, as well as new legislation to junk all lobbyist-financed travel junkets for Congress members, what does Rep. Sweeney do? Why, he hies off to a ski resort on his winter break for a lobbying-funded ski junket. What’s more, it’s a ski resort in Park City, Utah, so the graft-happy fella can’t even claim to be channeling lobbying largess into his picturesque Peekskill-West Point district. And as if all that weren’t symbolically damning enough, as you can see in the excerpt from the video clip thoughtfully posted by Sweeney’ss ’06 opponent Kirsten Gillibrand, the terminus to the ski-lift is called “PayDay.” We’re guessing the one named “Kick Me Hard” was due for scheduled maintenance that weekend. –HOLLY MARTINS Read more on Further Proof that Winter Sports Are Just a Dumb Idea…
 

. . . And Lo, There Was a Mighty Disturbance in the Force, Like the Sound of Millions of Thumbs Twiddling Into the Void

Enthusiasts of the Bush-revamped Supreme Court can celebrate their first big victory against the official Washington Establishment. Today, the Roberts court refused to hear an appeal of the lower-court patent-infringment ruling against Research in Motion, the manufacturer of Washington’s ur-geek accessory, the Blackberry. The no-decision call by the Supremes could well be the final act for the Research in Motion, which suffered a 2003 injunction from patent-holder RMT Inc. to halt future sales of the Blackberry, and has been frenetically appealing it ever since. Fallout from this might well outstrip that of the Abramoff scandal: If Washington high rollers are once more forced to look each other in the face for the sake of socializing or conducting official business, depression, substance abuse, and suicides all seem certain to skyrocket. All of which seems a readymade prescription (as it were) for another Marion Barry administration. Be very afraid. –HOLLY MARTINS Read more on . . . And Lo, There Was a Mighty Disturbance in the Force, Like the Sound of Millions of Thumbs Twiddling Into the Void…
 

And Yes, ‘Van Spakovsky’ Is German for ‘Katherine Harris’

Shock horror! WaPo reporter Dan Eggen comes forward with word that the Bush Department of Justice treats civil rights complaints concerning the abridgement of voting rights in a brazenly political fashion. Staff attorneys in the DoJ’s civil rights division found their recommendations to investigate credible claims of voter fraud or tampering with ballot access were met with stunning indifference, silence and/or hostility from on high. Cases ranged from Tom DeLay’s charming campaign in Texas to redistrict the Democratic party out of functional political existence and an especially wide-ranging Georgia case in which a hare-brained voter-identification plan threatened to purge hundreds of thousands of voters off the rolls who lacked driver’s licenses. (This in addition to earlier voting-section studies indicating the plan would unduly harm black voters, who wouldn’t exactly view renewed poll tests and credentials in the South as a major step forward on the road to racial justice.) Higher DoJ officials in that case furnished a textbook study in measured Bush-era empiricism, right out of the WMD files: “They said that as many as 200,000 of those without ID cards would be felons and illegal immigrants and that they would not be eligible to vote anyway.” Because, you know, if you’re not driving, why you’re just not a trustworthy American. Read more on And Yes, ‘Van Spakovsky’ Is German for ‘Katherine Harris’…
 

It’s Clobberin’ Time!

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., outlines the Republican leadership’s new approach to lobbying reform: “We’ll rassel them!” said Hastert, noting that it would take “balls THIS BIG” to try any “funny stuff” now. “Jack Abramoff is Ted DiBiase!” Hastert explained, smiling. “I’m Hulk Hogan.” And the current frenzy to “get tough” on lobbying has nothing else in common with professional wrestling at all. Read more on It’s Clobberin’ Time!…
 

Falls Church: Putting the ‘Prick’ in ‘Bishopric’

The vigilant members of Virginia’s largest Episcopal parish have drafted a letter to the upper reaches of the church’s hierarchy to compel their straying pastor, the Right Rev. Peter H. Lee, to “repent and return to the truth.” The Right (or evidently, not-so-Right) Rev.’s transgression, reports the Washington Times’s Julia Duin, was his decision to support the ordination of New Hampshire’s openly gay bishop, the Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson. The congregation’s bully exhortations are modeled on a passage in Matthew 18:15-17, which lays out strangely specific instructions for reproving a “brother [who] sins against you,” which would culminate in treating the ill-behaving soul “as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” But the congregants were just revving up their literalist sanctimony, it turns out. They went on to admonish Rev. Lee for arguing that gay parishioners and clergy should be welcomed on the same principle that brought Gentiles into the believing fold some 2,000 years ago. That species of reasoning, the righteous congregants sniffed, is “selective and careless exegesis that could be used to condone any sin, sexual or otherwise.” Read more on Falls Church: Putting the ‘Prick’ in ‘Bishopric’…
 

Because, You See, Raw Sewage Is Normally What We Pump Into Congress

For more than a year, Halliburton contractors at the US military base in Camp Junction City, near the Iraqi city of Ramadi, permitted troops and civilians to use contaminated water, the AP reports. The company’s own water-treatment expert at the camp, Ben Carter, wrote in an incident report that “raw sewage is being routinely dumped upstream of intake” and the camp’s water “is without question contaminated with numerous micro-organisms, including Coliform bacteria.” Anothe former Halliburton hand, Ken May, claims a widespread incidence of diarrhea and stomach-cramping. Read more on Because, You See, Raw Sewage Is Normally What We Pump Into Congress…
 

Remainders: War on Christmas to Jump Shark Soon

• Embedded journalists on the War on Christmas. [Mr. Sun] • The NYT confuses the black people, even though one of them is NOT wearing a bow tie. [Gawker] • Why is that purple fingers seem so… dirty? [GNN, TMFTML] • Focus on the Family on how sending a man shopping makes him gay: “Noodles are replaced by artichoke hearts, milk exchanged for broccolini, the sought-after turkey traded for a single hairy coconut.” [G.p] • War on Christmas train wreck on CNN. It ends with how the Nazis ALSO banned Christmas! [Political Teen] Read more on Remainders: War on Christmas to Jump Shark Soon…
 

The Passion of the Stick

We have received this wisdom from a reader, and, truly, it all makes sense now: This panda worship is so primal. Could he be a messiah? What if we broadcast, worldwide, nothing but the pandacam 24/7. I think all wars would end. We should seize control of the public and private airwaves, cyberconnections, etc, and substitute all media w/ butterstick. There are stupider solutions to the Middle East mess. Yes, we must make it so. It sort of explains him disappearing into that cave recently… We’re not sure he’s a Christian god, however. He seems more like a reincarnation of the Buddha: Think of how he bears the weight of his imprisonment, his calm and thoughtful nature, his roly-polyness. His roly-poly-holiness. Read more on The Passion of the Stick…
 

Inside the Bubble: Crankospheric

• WP politics editor John Harris: “For all its interesting and useful features, some things I don’t like about the on-line crankosphere are its frequent humorlessness and tendency to blow issues way out of proportion.” FUCK HIM!!!! BOYCOTT THE WASHINGTON POST AND ITS BUSH-TOTING TOADY COVERAGE!!! [WashingtonPost.com] • Dial-a-bite Sabato gets a couplet comeuppance: “need a quote/do not tarry/call U-Va. and ask for Larry.” [WP] • “JON KLEIN LIKES SHOWTUNES.” [FBNY] • Please be gentle with Arianna. [Esquire] • Tom Shales lights into the new Nightline’s faux gravitas: “‘Shorter shorts — a sign of the times?’ Probably not.” [WP] Read more on Inside the Bubble: Crankospheric…
 

Iraq Election Update: Nyuck Nyuck

Wonkette’s Forward Operating Base Operative writes in with an update on the Iraqi elections, including a heart-warming scene that makes us think maybe the Lincoln Group was onto something with their Osama bin Moe sitcom idea: As I was driving in my Stryker to a polling site to let my Iraqi born interpreters to vote, one told me he thought this election was another “poke in the insurgents eye.” I thought about this, then I did the old “Three Stooges eye poke” thing to him…which he deftly parried with the old “Three Stooges hand in front of the nose” move. Then we both did the nyuk, nyuk, nyuk bit…and laughed till our balls hurt. FOBO skips over the “Tom Clancy” stuff and goes straight for Marxist Brothers right after the jump. Read more on Iraq Election Update: Nyuck Nyuck…
 

Kerry’s Christmas Hush

Rush Limbaugh is making a fuss over a Hotline report that John Kerry tried to fire up his troops at a campaign reunion Christmas party by promising them an impeachment trial in their stocking: “If we take back the House, there’s a solid case to bring articles of impeachment against this president.” Spokeskid David Wade insists that Kerry was “joking,” which surely must be the case as they held the festivities at a place called “Finn McCool’s.” I guess Drinky McLoser’s was booked. Read more on Kerry’s Christmas Hush…
 

Decoding the Note: The Origin of Obama

We didn’t make it past the Note’s hilarious fake Iraqi election exit poll. The one they funded by selling off on “vintage, eBay-ready Note Notebooks.” Complete with fake exit poll hotline! There will likely be fake results! Not unlike 2004. Read more on Decoding the Note: The Origin of Obama…
 

The Enemy of Our Enemy Is Our . . . Enemy?

Saddiq Ahmad Turkistani was freed from a Taliban prison in the early days of the Afghan war. He’d been wrongly imprisoned, he told reporters–though he had indeed helped hatch a plot to kill Osama Bin Laden. He despised the Taliban and al Qaeda, and was an eager supporter of the U.S. war on terror. Read more on The Enemy of Our Enemy Is Our . . . Enemy?…
 

Power- and Metaphor-Mad Attorney Wants to Sex You Up

Remember that spate of horny Hill staffer ads that polluted Craiglist last month? They seemed suspicious at the time. You know what they say: One horny Hill staffer ad is funny, two horny Hill staffer ads are a coincidence, three are a joke. (Four horny Hill staffer ads are sign that Kennedy is hiring.) And what do you know, a reader has fessed up to convoluting the November entreaties to “spank me with your legal pads because I’ve been sooooooo bad at answering constituent mail lately.” (She says she was bored. We said December is the new August!) Of course, anything that wonkily perverse will get people’s members paying attention, and the reader has sent along one of the more lusty inquiries. Now, remember: The only thing more sketchy than the ads posted on Craigslist are the responses to them. That said, let’s hear it for the “power mad lawyer” who put his longings so poetically: I’ll take you to my law firm and fuck you on the conference table in view of not just the White House (we’re right across the the street), but also the Washington Memorial. And I’ll have my own white obelisk ready for you, baby. And at the risk of getting totally corny with the analogies, my white obelisk is ready for a plunge into your Tidal Basin as I look into the Reflecting Pool of your eyes. Excuse us while we expurge a Beltway of vomit. Full letter after the jump. EARLIER: While Their Members Are Away the Staff Will Play [Wonkette] Read more on Power- and Metaphor-Mad Attorney Wants to Sex You Up…
 

A Lighter Shade of Gray

December is the new August. Sure, it may not feel like August, what with the freezing fucking cold and whatnot, but it feels like August what with the empty streets, thumb-twiddling social events and the bottomlessly inane excuses for trend stories turning up in the Washington Post. Then: Neely Tucker searching for something to say about shade, “Why are there odes to the sea, to the stars, to a Grecian urn, and so few to shade?” Now: Phillip Kennicott, similarly reaching for interest in a — dare we say “ode” — to “gray”: Read more on A Lighter Shade of Gray…