CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them
CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says [...]
Paul Ryan’s ‘Sole Intern’ Is The Delightful Sextortin’ Sociopath You Expected Him To Be
Okay first off it must be said that nothing pains yur Wonket more than having to credit former Washington Times Editor and fancy-puter using white supremacist Robert Stacey McCain with publishing something that is genuinely interesting or relevant. But indeed, he seems to have found a piece of news that involves more than just rambling [...]
Ron Fournier: Judge George W. Bush By His Bro-Ness, Not His Horribleness
Ron Fournier, the bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal of journalism, is very concerned with the state of his profession. No he’s not worried about his fellow commentators once again engaging in hysterical nonsense regarding terrorism, as it is the job of a news person to crawl into the fetal position when [...]
Wonkette At Your Service: How Locked-Down Boston Area Stoners Can Survive Pre-4/20 Raids
As the rest of the country eagerly waits for the authorities to capture Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in order to bring some closure to this week of awful, Boston area residents remain under a strict lockdown that has been in effect for almost 12 hours now. As one would expect, a degree of cabin fever/stir-craziness is beginning [...]
Dictators’ Errand Boy/Fox News Democrat Lanny Davis Explains Left Is Hateful
Southern California has a plethora of tourist destinations so it is understandable if you have never felt compelled to visit the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. From the outside it resembles an upscale strip mall. The building is nestled deep inside the miasma of the white flight Orange County suburbs, which allows distinguished speakers a [...]
Insolent West Virginia Teen Infringes On Speaker’s Right To Slut-Shame Students During School Abstinence Assembly
High School, unbeknownst to your Wonkette (who spent most of his high school years as the chubby new kid in the Che shirt), is apparently just full of people having sex, sexting, and having rainbow planking parties with vodka soaked tampons. Oh how the times have changed since the days when abstinence only classes kept [...]
Conspiracy Theorists Ask Public To Take Them Seriously, Blame Family Guy For Boston Massacre
Two days after the bombings at the Boston Marathon, many of the various stupid ideas and Rumpology-divined speculations still persist within certain segments of America’s most embarrassing collection of teenaged-cousins and work acquaintances who need more productive hobbies. But while the masturbatory “guy on roof” and “Saudi National“ theories have been dismissed (or at least [...]
Craigslist Casual Encounters Section Admirably Fills Aching Void In Boston’s Souls/Holes
The diversity of America inevitably means that each region or city responds to tragic events in unique ways. In New York after 9/11, the Yankees and Mets introduced “God Bless America” to the seventh inning stretch. New Orleans residents integrated their feelings of abandonment and despair regarding the government’s response to Katrina into satirical floats [...]
Sleep Easy, Tennesseans! James ‘Pack Your Bags’ Yeager Got His Carry Permit Back
Fact: It is harder to find reasons why you can’t get a concealed carry license than reasons why you can in Tennessee. As long as you are neither a felon nor dead, your right to stuff your cock sock with a .22 is entirely safe from the forces of tyranny and oppression. Therefore it was [...]
Today’s Gun News Takes Delightfully Refreshing Turn For The Surreal
For those of you following our never-ending soap opera regarding our nation’s love affair with chrome-plated dildos of death, this week has been horribly depressing and not at all full of news that’s appropriate for your preferred source for pictures of silver bears in lingerie. Between the incredibly cheery multiple “toddler shoots ___” stories to [...]
Start Your Morning Off With Sheriff Joe In A Corset (Because We Hate You)
Yeah boy look at that this sweet piece of human rights violating ass right here. This is indeed Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio in his office just daring you to bury your head in his sweet man-mammaries. Just take a moment to gaze into the stark dichotomy between the background of the picture, with its [...]
Even Intentional Racists Hate That Godawful Brad Paisley Song
Despite Arista Nashville’s commendable efforts to remove any trace of that straight from the necronomicon Brad Paisley/LL Cool J song, the soundtrack for post-racialism failure remains as a permanent stain on our collective memory. Our corporate musical overlords might have done their best to remove the acute threat that the song posed to our ears, but [...]
Tennessee Legal Genius Stacey Campfield Doing His Best To Avoid Paying Heaps Of Money To Guy He Libeled
Blogging sure is hard sometimes. Between waking up at 5:30 a.m. to dredge Twitter for things to be outraged about and avoiding an EPIC SMACKDOWN for stating a fact about a whiny Breitbart charity hire with a martyrdom complex, mistakes are just an inevitable part of web scribbling. However if one rule concerning writing shit [...]
Breitbart’s Brandon Darby: Aryan Brotherhood Can’t Be Racist Because They Have Mexican Friends
Hey remember a few days ago when we told you about how the recent murders of state officials in Colorado and Texas might be the work of a vicious gang of crazy-ass Nazis? Well it looks like we might have to issue one of those “correction” things because it turns out that we were being [...]
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