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Poor Sad Old Bill Kristol To Go To His Grave Whispering #NeverTrump

Condoleezza Rice? Ben Sasse? Mark Cuban? ANYONE?

‘American Thinker’ Calls Up Reserve Pitcher To Write Penthouse Forum Letter To Donald Trump

Remember those ridiculous Penthouse Forum letters? The ones you'd read after you exhausted all the masturbatory potential of the pictures in Penthouse? Side note to our younger readers: yes, porn was once harder to come by (that's what she...

‘Jill And Jessa: Counting On’ Finale: Our Long National Nightmare Is Over At Last

We regret to inform you that the latest iteration of the Duggars, "Jill and Jessa: Counting Spawn On" has not yet been cancelled. Turns out prayers don't do shit. Perhaps we need to start making blood sacrifices to minor...

Here Is Your Horrifying Story Of Sleazy Texas Dentists Preying Upon Low-Income Children

You know what we love to do on the weekends here at yr Wonkette? We like to kick back and read some longreads. Who doesn't love to dig into a nice meaty story while drinking a cup of coffee or...

History’s Greatest Love Affair: Donald Trump and Geraldo Rivera

Donald Trump and Geraldo Rivera have a complicated relationship. They theoretically have undying love for one another (but not in a gay way, because no homo bro) yet is that love really possible when they each adore themselves so...

‘Jill And Jessa’ Duggar Aired The Birth Of Squashy Spurgeon And We Wish We Had No Eyes

This is what you are greeted with when you tune to this week's episode of "Jill and Jessa: Counting On": Oh good. Because if there was one thing this squashy-baby-filled show was missing, it was the expulsion of another squashy...

This Preacher Is Pretty Sure Sex With A Snake Will Make You Homeless Or Something

Oh hello there. Were you wondering what it would look like if a rural preacher (who looks vaguely like a Dorian Gray-style painting of Dick Clark stashed in his closet for 45 years) showed up on your YouTube Teevee and...

Gross Tom Delay Writes Gross Letter In Support Of Super-Gross Dennis Hastert

So, lots of Dennis Hastert news these days, huh? We all got to learn that he maybe molested not one, not two, not three, not four, but five kids while he was busy ostensibly being their wrestling coach but...

Fancy Branson Road Tripping With The Duggars On This Week’s ‘Jill And Jessa’

Every week, we wake up early on Wednesday morning and say a little prayer to whatever bloodthirsty pagan god we're praying to this time that somehow, some way, the "Jill and Jessa: Counting On A Trainwreck" show did not...

Donald Trump Threatening Everyone Who Won’t Let Donald Trump Be President Already

When you kick off your professional life with a cool one million dollars from Daddy (which you, laughably, characterized as a "small loan") and you file corporate bankruptcy and screw your creditors every time the going gets tough, you probably...

Tom DeLay Has Hot New Consulting Firm Starring Tom DeLay

So, have you been dying to know what Tom DeLay has been up to these days? Hey, wait! Get back here. Just pretend you've been thinking about The Hammer aka The Exterminator aka The Indicted then Appealed then Exonerated aka The...

Here Is Your Deep Dive Into The Ted Cruz Dildo Brief

Welcome to your headquarters for comprehensive coverage of Ted Cruz Thinking About Jacking It. We're planning on starting a new vertical that is nothing but stories of Ted Cruz thinking about his penis, your penis, fake penises, and love...

Ben Seewald Spits Mad (Bad, Sad, Dad, Cad) Rhymes On This Week’s Duggar Recap

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. This is the Jill and Jessa episode we have been waiting for. No, not the one where Josh comes back all tearful from sex rehab (though that episode better happen, goddammit) but the...

Ted Cruz Sweeps Colorado With Help Of Fellow Nutjobs

Over the weekend, we remained only vaguely aware of the fact that Colorado held some sort of complicated presidential nominating activity over on the GOP side. In a year marked by maximum primary season insanity, Colorado was actually a...

Turns Out Donald Trump’s Idea Of Charity Involves A Lot Of Golf

There has never really been any doubt that Donald Trump is the king of hyperbole. Telling everyone he is the very best at business is his actual #brand, even though his corporate empire has had to avail itself of the...

This Week’s Duggar Recap Has A Creepy Dad, A Boring Shower Game, But Still No Josh

Hey everybody! TLC did not cancel this new-ish Duggar show yet! However, they also haven't yet trotted Josh Duggar out to show him no doubt crestfallen yet renewed in his vows to love Jesus and Anna and not be...