Author Archives: snipy

  futility in the pursuit of stupidity is actually a vice

Hero GOP Throws Tantrum, Votes To Stop Washington DC From Murdering Babies And Freedom

Have you been wishing that distressingly orange hobgoblin John Boehner and a group of even more conservative and unhinged congresscritters would raise the spectre of religious freedom in a way that isn’t just about worrying whether a cake-maker in flyover country will be forced to lovingly feed wedding cake directly to the mouths of gays? You are in so much luck, because last night the House voted to blurt RELIGIOUS FREEDUMB at all of Washington D.C., for having the goddamn gall to pass a law that says you can’t fire people just for liking to murder babies. Praise Jesus for the House of Representatives having the presence of mind to save Washington D.C. from itself. Read more on Hero GOP Throws Tantrum, Votes To Stop Washington DC From Murdering Babies And Freedom…
  the thirst for profits is real

Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible.

Why does Obama hate freedom scams?
You may remember that last summer, Obama’s cabal of Education Department goons went after esteemed for-profit Corinthian Colleges, targeting them for the unspeakable crime of being too awesome and making too much money. Sure, the USDE said it was because Corinthian kept juking its job placement stats to entice more students to enroll in its dead-end programs that turn out students who¬†can’t ever pay back their federal loans, but we know it’s because the socialist Kenyan occupying the White House hates freedom and money. On Monday, the forces of evil won and Corinthian shuttered all its colleges nationwide. Read more on Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible….
  you can check out any time you like but you can never thieve

Attention Lawyers: No One Should Stay In A Motel 6. Especially Your Clients.

So you may have noticed, in your short and terrifying (or long and tedious, take your pick) time as a lawyer that you might have occasion to represent criminals. Shocking, I know! And in doing so, you may become aware that sometimes after you faithfully execute your lawyerly duty and get your client off the hook or your client duly serves his or her time, they return to a life of criming. ALSO SHOCKING, WE KNOW. You may, if you are in this position, consider telling your client that they should avoid the Motel 6 chain. No, not just because Motel 6 is far too low-rent for your type of client (ha! you wish!) but because at least one link in that fine fine chain has decided that they should just give police their complete guest list every night. Read more on Attention Lawyers: No One Should Stay In A Motel 6. Especially Your Clients….
  never forget

Oh, Yes, We Have The Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’

Feeling a bit low this Thanksgiving? A bit like something is just…missing? Could be because you have been waiting, longing, for Wonkette’s sort-of-annual Thanksgiving tradition. As a parade is to Macy’s, Sarah Palin’s interview-cum-turkey-slaughter-horror-show is to Wonkette. And really, what news story is more Wonkette-ish than Sarah Palin yammering on obliviously as turkeys are ground to bits behind her by the most stereotypically gomer-ish guy Alaska could produce? Read more on Oh, Yes, We Have The Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’…
  ooga booga

Joe Miller Pretty Sure That Immigrants Are Coming To Take Your Guns Away

You will recall that we grudgingly started paying attention to the Alaska senator’s race because senior senator Lisa Murkowski is SO MAD that junior senator Mark Begich is going around saying they are friends. Now one of Begich’s possible Republican opponents, walking anger management issue Joe Miller, is trying to get himself some attention by sending out some super nice fliers that are also really well-designed and also, too, not at all racist fear-mongering. Read more on Joe Miller Pretty Sure That Immigrants Are Coming To Take Your Guns Away…
  garbage news from garbage people

Thought Catalog Will Still Publish Complete Sewage But Will Not Tweet About It. Sometimes. Maybe.

You all know Thought Catalog as a reliable source of nonsense ranging from “20 Things Only People With Really Curly Hair Will Understand” and “Thinking About Thinking and Not Thinking.” But did you know they are also a reliable bastion of sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and racist bullshit? Haha of course you did, but in case you’d stopped thinking of it for just one second, Thought Catalog hit you with a double whammy this week. Read more on Thought Catalog Will Still Publish Complete Sewage But Will Not Tweet About It. Sometimes. Maybe….
  cut down in their prime

Prosecutor: So Unfair That St. Louis County Cops Didn’t Get To Bust More Heads In Ferguson

Not actual NYPD officers
If you were paying attention last night, you probably saw that rather than being a dystopian nightmare hellscape like it had been for the last several days under the St. Louis County police force, Ferguson actually looked kinda chill, mostly because Governor Jay Nixon, who had kinda been MIA, showed up and tossed out the cops and handed the baton to the highway patrol. Seriously, just go look at these people hanging out in a human-sized Thomas the Tank Engine train, which is how Ferguson looked at one point last night during the highway patrol’s reign of not-terror. Read more on Prosecutor: So Unfair That St. Louis County Cops Didn’t Get To Bust More Heads In Ferguson…
  stick to your guns

Texas Might Not Let People Buy Guns And Drink At The Same Time. How Is That Even Fair?

You know what goes together in ‘Merica like apple pie and ice cream? Guns and liquor. Guns and liquor is the ‘Merican way, and you should always have one whenever you find the other. At least that appears to be the viewpoint of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, which recently proposed allowing alcohol at some gun shows. Read more on Texas Might Not Let People Buy Guns And Drink At The Same Time. How Is That Even Fair?…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
  a site can dream can't it?

LifeNews Fap Fantasy Time: Let’s Just Say Robin Williams Killed Himself Over Abortion

Did you get your fill of people being terrible (hi, Rush Limbaugh!) and using Robin Williams’s death for their own means (lookin’ at you, douche-y Minnesota GOP guy!) yesterday? Haha too bad because we are going to cram even more terrible down your throat, because that is how we do. We’re like the opposite of a public service, basically, so let’s check in on the horrible people who think that maybe Robin Williams killed himself because of abortion. Yep, abortion. Read more on LifeNews Fap Fantasy Time: Let’s Just Say Robin Williams Killed Himself Over Abortion…
  you know who else ... ?

British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler

We will totally admit that we do not know much about politics in Merry Olde Limeyland, mostly because the parliamentary system seems really fucking complicated. How do you British people keep track of them all? Do you just kind of lose track of some of the parties? Because we’re thinking maybe that’s a possible excuse for the existence of one Bill Etheridge, a UK Independence Party (UKip!!) member of the European Parliament (MEP!!) who gave a little public speaking seminar for aspiring politicians where one of his pro-tips was that speakers should emulate Hitler. Read more on British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler…
  actually the end doesn't justify the means

Louisiana Department Of Corrections Totally Cool With Lying If It Allows Them To Kill People Quicker

Just running it up the gallows and seeing if anyone salutes
You will recall that we are running out of ways to say executions are botched, both because right now there is a rash of botched executions and also because all executions are botched. And let’s face it – it isn’t easy to make with the funny about the state killing people, even for us. So that’s why we’re just over here in the corner stone cold guzzling bleach over this story about how the Louisiana Department of Corrections really wanted to kill Christopher Sepulvado, but they did not actually have the right drugs that they’d previously approved with which to kill people, so they just lied to a hospital about why they needed them, and voila! problem solved! Read more on Louisiana Department Of Corrections Totally Cool With Lying If It Allows Them To Kill People Quicker…
  white woman's burden

Awesome Judge Candidate Does Not Get Why You Guys Are So Worried About Her Hubby The White Supremacist

We're actually cool with kitten pride, though
Elections are tricky things, what with people poking into your background and all that, so it usually behooves aspiring politicians to think about what might play badly as they begin their elective office quest. Now, running for some pissant local judicial seat isn’t like running for president of these here United States or anything, but it’s still wise to do a wee bit of thinking about whether the fact that your husband is an out and proud white supremacist might cause the tiniest bit of consternation. Read more on Awesome Judge Candidate Does Not Get Why You Guys Are So Worried About Her Hubby The White Supremacist…
  false equivalencies r us

Ralph Reed: Why Won’t Obama Stop Murdering The Christians?

You really have to hand it to Ralph Reed. The man has got some staying power. For like 1,000 years now, he has been the most reliably self-righteous Christian concern troll ever. For wherever two or three are gathered in Jesus’s name, there will be Ralph Reed whinging about how he and his ilk are the most persecuted people to ever walk God’s green earth. Read more on Ralph Reed: Why Won’t Obama Stop Murdering The Christians?…
  legally incapacitated

Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law

Remember how the good people of the Minnesota Republican Party endorsed Michelle MacDonald as their Supreme Court candidate, presumably because she believes in the Bible pretty much more than anything else, which is just what you want from your judges? But then she forgot to mention that teeny-tiny little problem where she ALLEGEDLY WE SAID ALLEGEDLY drove drunk, refused a breathalyzer, resisted arrest, and is facing trial for that hat trick of stupid? But it’s cool, because she shouldn’t even have to go to trial, because she’s innocent, and it’s just a waste of time to try innocent people. See? Isn’t it clear this lady has an excellent grasp of how the law works? Read more on Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law…
  people will say we're in love

Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski So Mad That Senator Mark Begich Won’t Stop Telling People They Hang Out

We had utterly and completely forgotten the fact that one of Alaska’s Senate seats is up for grabs this year. Hell, even the RNC couldn’t be arsed to throw much money at any attack ads against sitting Democratic senator Mark Begich. However, the race is apparently actually A Thing, with another Democrat mounting a primary challenge against Begich and everything. Read more on Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski So Mad That Senator Mark Begich Won’t Stop Telling People They Hang Out…