Hey look it’s an Edwards story that is *not* about how a self-regarding butthole managed to continually embarrass himself and his family of mill workers with his bathroom-dwelling, mistress-impregnating antics. It’s a nice story about Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards, and her new furniture store in Chapel Hill! MORE »

It’s a bit early in the day, but if you can stomach it here is a short clip featuring three (3) of our favorite charlatans: Ann Coulter, Geraldo Rivera, and Al Sharpton. Apparently Geraldo calls Coulter an “opportunist” toward the end of this thing, but we were distracted by our own speculation about what happened to the old Al Sharpton, the one who would have eaten this shrunken new morsel of an Al Sharpton for breakfast along with some grits and white gravy. [The YouTubes]

There’s basically no national or ethnic group you can make fun of these days without being accused of racism, but a few are considered mildly less offensive than others. For example, you can always call Scots “stabby,” because they love to stab each other for sport, and Belgians are usually fair game, too, due to their treacherousness and love of mayonnaise. But as Paul Krugman discovered last week, you do not get away with insulting the Swiss. MORE »

• The Department of Justice’s ethics office would like to see the AG re-open several cases of detainee abuse in which interrogators went beyond the torture allowed by protocol and did their own “illegal” torturing. Which is good, except that it will criminalize only the people at the bottom and not the jackals who created the policy, etc. [AP]
• Somebody in Afghanistan has been reading Rules for Radicals, because we have not seen such wide allegations of vote fraud since ACORN and Saul Alinsky stole Virginia from John McCain. [AFP]
• Hurricane Bill rained on both the Clintons’ and the Obamas’ vacations, but did no long-lasting damage before he petered into a tropical storm. [Reuters]
• Many auto dealers saw a surge in interest over the weekend with “Cash for Clunkers” about to expire. [AP]
• Health insurance company employees, tired of seeing their demonic employers demonized, have started attending town hall meetings (armed with talking points) in the hopes of defending their industry. [Wall Street Journal]
• Children are disgusting germ-covered disease vectors, which is why they and their favorite hangouts (i.e. schools) must be monitored closely to halt the spread of swine flu. [Washington Post]

Because there is no news this August except for the news about the moral and physical decline of America due to Death Panel rationing, an increasingly bored press corps turns to the Obama family for succor. “Enh, there’s this bit about Michelle and her shorts,” they say to each other, and that’s good for a day or two. But what shall they do next week? MORE »

In lieu of your usual daily White House Flickr foto, here’s some leftist (?) propaganda straight from a DC cabbie. Poisoning food and drinks again, eh, CIA? You couldn’t outsource that to Blackwater? (Thanks to “Matt” and his iPhone for sending this along.)

Paultards were so sad when their Hobbit-King, Ron Paul, finally quit running for President sometime earlier this year. They had nobody to whom they could send their precious money-bombs of Liberty! Fortunately, his son — Ayn “Rand” Paul — is running for Senate in Kentucky, and he raised many moneys yesterday in one of these bombing events. MORE »

Hmm, here’s a CRAZY rumor about Glenn Beck and his disappearance this week from Fox News. Nobody ever goes on “actual” vacation in August — except the French, that is — so where the hell is Glenn Beck, really? MORE »

• Chechnya, remember this place? It’s back in the news, again, with more bombings and separatist strife. [BBC News]
• Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a Category 3 and may only be a Category 1 by the time it makes landfall in Canada, which means this weather event “doesn’t count.” [CNN]
• Nobody thinks much of Senator Ted Kennedy’s proposal that the Massachusetts governor appoint an interim successor to fill the gap between a senator’s retirement and a special election for a replacement. And this is why healthcare reform will fail this time. [Boston Globe]
• Sorry, college students — classes will not be cancelled due to swine flu. [HealthDay News]
• Two suspects have been nabbed in connection with the famous massive British jewelry heist which was made possible with elaborate wigs and latex makeup. [Times Online]
• The CIA used trusty contractor Blackwater to hunt for, and maybe kill, top Al Qaeda leaders. Outsourcing! [CNN]

Boo on you, Forbes meanies, for suggesting our beloved girlfriend Sheila Bair isn’t the most powerful woman in the world. Still, #2 ain’t bad! Who rounds out the top five? Some Pepsi person, a common mineral miner, and the chief executive of Singapore’s sovereign wealth fund. In other words, a pack of nobodies who are probably a real drag at parties, all “I’ll just have a club soda with a slice of lime,” and with nothing to talk about except their work and the INSANE number of frequent flier miles they racked up last year. Sheila Bair, on the other hand, does not get along so well with Tim Geithner, which suggests she has at least the rudimentary genetic material required to grow a Soul. [Forbes]

PRESIDENT OBAMA WON’T BE BUYING CARS FOR YOU WELFARE QUEENS ANYMORE: The “Cash for Clunkers” program is going to expire any day now, so you will just have to pay for your new Honda Fit all by yourself, like a man. This disastrously popular program just goes to show you why the government should not interfere in private industry — because Americans are just too addicted to free shit to bother paying for anything themselves anymore. [CBS News]