Author Archives: Sara K. Smith

Full Name: Sara K. Smith Website:
Info: Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!
  dept. of tearful confessions

Republican Paid $150,000 To Keep Totally Innocent Hot-Tubbing Incident Quiet

Science proves that there is nothing wrong with people hot-tubbing in the nude near each other, even when one person is 28 and the other person is 15. In spite of this fact, some gal needed $150,000 to “heal” from the painful memory of being naked in a hot tub near Kevin Garn once, a long time ago. Read more on Republican Paid $150,000 To Keep Totally Innocent Hot-Tubbing Incident Quiet…
  and yet the orca lives

HORRIBLE BUMMER: The Africkan Creature that ran through the streets of Atlanta on one memorable rush hour not too long ago has been put down. Apparently he messed up his hooves on his crazy walkabout, and they could not be fixed, and so he was killt. SAD. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution] Read more on …
 

Best Friday Ever

Set your alarm clock! Pre-orders for Apple’s latest slickly packaged menstrual product for ladies commence on April 3. [CNET] Huzzah, the government will stop subsidizing student lenders and will just make direct loans to students (if the budget bill ever passes)! [New York Times] Read more on Best Friday Ever…
  beauty secrets of the stars

Cantor Barely Surviving On Diet Of Tuna Sandwiches And Bile

Most politicians who arrive in Washington resembling relatively fit and attractive humans quickly become repulsive monsters, because the restaurants serve nothing but cheesy bread products and the Congressional gym is booby trapped with vicious nine-fingered Jews who will assault you, naked. So House Minority Whip Eric Cantor has really beaten the odds by remaining thin, somehow. Read more on Cantor Barely Surviving On Diet Of Tuna Sandwiches And Bile…
  smear campaigns

Part I Of Massa’s Amazing Interview With Glenn Beck, In Which Tickle Fights And Naval Orgies Are Discussed In Uncomfortable Detail

Watch the latest news video at video.foxnews.com Here is some awesome video from Glenn Beck’s amazing interview with Eric Massa, the man who was run out of office by a churlish nude White House Chief of Staff who could not stand to see Massa farting all over Barack Obama’s precious beloved healthcare. But the truth: tickle fights and Caligula orgies may have contributed to our Hero’s downfall. The best part is watching Beck’s horror as it dawns on him that this martyr to Washington’s corrupt Machine is actually a delusional narcissist who just wants to show him an X-ray of his liver. [Fox News] Read more on Part I Of Massa’s Amazing Interview With Glenn Beck, In Which Tickle Fights And Naval Orgies Are Discussed In Uncomfortable Detail…
 

Nothing’s Shocking

People might hate President Obama, but they hate Congress more, so … epic win for healthcare reform (if Obama fires Congress)? [AP] Chief Justice Roberts does not think the Supreme Court is above criticism — just above public criticism. [Los Angeles Times] Read more on Nothing’s Shocking…
  you cannot legislate the gayness out of florida

PASS THIS IMPORTANT BILL IMMEDIATELY: “Movie and TV productions with gay characters could be ineligible for a tax credit being considered in the [Florida] state House.” Good thing Miami Vice is over! [AP] Read more on …
  fun things that happened over the weekend

Latest Obama Monkey Email Sent In Spirit Of Fun And Friendship

Hey, so, slow news month! Nothing much happening except the normal earthquakes and Iraqi elections and, of course, your usual totally innocent racist email about the Obamas which was thoughtlessly forwarded by some douche who just thought he was having some lighthearted fun, talking about monkeys and black people. This one comes from the CEO of the Tennessee Hospitality Association, who made the mistake of forwarding this hilarious email to a few reporters. Read more on Latest Obama Monkey Email Sent In Spirit Of Fun And Friendship…
  sellouts

Naked Scott Brown To Campaign For John McCain!

A certain nude senator from the state of Taxachusetts wowed the Tea Party Nation with his non-Martha-Coakleyness, which was enough to get him elected, but ever since then he has been SELLING OUT. Exhibit A: his outrageous vote for the jobs bill, which might someday result in actual employment for the lamers who currently spend their days angrily Tweeting about what a SELLOUT he is. Exhibit B: his support for a so-called Republican senator from Arizona, who is the widely acknowledged King of RINOS. Read more on Naked Scott Brown To Campaign For John McCain!…
  important moments in cnn programming

John King Named ‘John King, USA’ After Himself Due To Modesty

If you’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with a quiet sense of dread and the distinct sensation that something terrible is about to happen, don’t worry! It’s just your subconscious wondering if anybody ever decided what to call that new John King show on CNN. Read more on John King Named ‘John King, USA’ After Himself Due To Modesty…
 

What Fresh Hell Is This?

There’s no hot sexy sex in the Paterson scandal(s), but nonetheless it is causing a wave of staff resignations and speculation about the governor’s own longevity in office. [Buffalo News] A man in a business suit calmly walked into the lobby of the Pentagon — just four blocks from the domicile of an easily offended Wonkette reader! — and opened fire, just like in The Matrix. [Washington Post] Read more on What Fresh Hell Is This?…
  quitters

CHARLIE RANGEL TAKING A ‘LEAVE OF ABSENCE’ FROM WAYS AND MEANS DURING ETHICS PROBE: Good lord, this is what the man gets for taking some hot Caribbean vacations on the dime of The Corporates? What else is the point of government? Anyway so much for giving Nancy Pelosi his WORD that he would chair his committee through thick & thin, etc. [AP] Read more on …
 

Debra Medina Is Sleeping Late Today

Jim Bunning, the bitterest old dick in the Senate, has finally decided to let unemployed people continue to collect unemployment benefits. [USA Today] Charlie Rangel will not resign as the chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, even though he is a sinner who enjoyed the pleasures of a rent-controlled New York City apartment a little too much. [Washington Post ] Read more on Debra Medina Is Sleeping Late Today…
  pornography

Live Sexcam Of Sexy White House Health Care Summit!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy OOOH looky it’s President Barack Obama, shaking hands and acting congenial at time of writing! How dare he politicize this important event by being polite. Anyway, watch the whole dealy if you want to. [Health Care Summit Live Feed] Read more on Live Sexcam Of Sexy White House Health Care Summit!…
  well if he can run iraq ...

Husband Of Giant Campbell Brown May Run For Senate

Once upon a time there was a gargantuan CNN anchoress who, for five wonderful, lucrative days way back in 2008, eated your Wonkette. (These were in the days when large corporations still paid money to blogs in exchange for advertising.) That lady is married to Dan Senor, a youngish douche who was once spokesman for the Coalition Provisional Authority, which brought instant peace and prosperity to Iraq following the invasion. The point is, Dan Senor is maybe thinking of challenging an assortment of other known douches for Kirsten Gillibrand’s Senate seat. Read more on Husband Of Giant Campbell Brown May Run For Senate…
 

Today Is All About Health Care Transparency

A killer whale at SeaWorld Orlando has claimed a third victim. [Orlando Sentinel] Huzzah, today is President Obama’s famous “health care summit,” in which Jeb Hensarling will be fed poisoned cucumber sandwiches by White House chef Cristeta Comerford, and all will be broadcast live in HD on C-SPANS’s Congressional Snuff Channel. [Washington Post] Read more on Today Is All About Health Care Transparency…
  america's most celibate governor

Jim Gibbons Has Lived Sexless Life For 15 Years

Oh look it’s some gross news about the gross governor of Nevada, one Jim Gibbons, who once disgusted his state of hookers and gambling addicts by assaulting a waitress! According to a legal deposition, Jim Gibbons has not gotten laid by a lady since nineteen hundred and ninety-five. Read more on Jim Gibbons Has Lived Sexless Life For 15 Years…
  cue angry facebook rant

Sarah Palin’s Teenaged Daughter, Who Has A Baby, Will Be On Teevee, And This Is Interesting!

Bristol Palin, who never asked to be famous and just wants her privacy, is now famous and has no privacy, hooray! She will appear on some show on a channel in the middle of the “family programming” wasteland of your cable box, playing herself. This is exactly how Meryl Streep got her first Academy Award nomination. Read more on Sarah Palin’s Teenaged Daughter, Who Has A Baby, Will Be On Teevee, And This Is Interesting!…
 

Let’s Hear It For Middle School Math

Dog-torturing inflatable Mormon Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain, who has taken even more craven positions in his Senate re-election bid than he did in his failed semi-effort to become president. [AP] Read more on Let’s Hear It For Middle School Math…