Wonkette

There is something very charming about how cheaply and how obviously Joe Biden indulges his personal vanities. Surely he knows plastic surgeons and Hair Club type people who could do this stuff quietly and, you know, correctly, but down home Joe from Scranton takes the train home every day! So instead he says, “Oh noes I am losing my hair! I’ll just take these other hairs an’ plug ‘em into my head, in rows, and nobody will know the difference! Here, gimme that glue gun!” and also more recently, “Holy cow my forehead’s a-wrinklin’! Squirt a big heap of that paralytic virus in there and we’ll show America what a real monster looks like!” Now nobody can vote for Barack Obama or Joe Biden, because Joe Biden is a Botox addict. [Washington Post]

You know how many figs John McCain gives about Bill Ayers? Not two of them, my friends! That is why he is honor-bound to discuss at length in tomorrow night’s debate how the hippie terrorist and Barack Obama were giving each other handjobs back in the 60s. MORE »

Three cheers, for Cocktober is in full swing! Some tragic former upstate New York assemblyman and current parole board member was busted for allegedly arranging a date with what he thought would be an underage person but turned out to be the State Police. Hmm! Our fake fantasy victim has no gender here in this write-up. MORE »

Chief McCain strategist Steve Schmidt spoke yesterday to NPR and made a variety of very interesting statements about how close his candidate is to finally putting this Obama guy away. [Hint: Super close.] “We’re proud of the campaign we’ve run, it’s been a positive campaign,” he says. And also, about the media: “We have ‘em just where we want ‘em in this race.” His campaign is “well within striking distance.” And blah blah blah, poor Steve Schmidt, with no hair on his wee bald head, and no prospects for the future. [Politico, NPR]

About three and a half minutes into this LOOONG clip, you will see every liberal’s favorite girlfriend Rachel Maddow start arguing with David Frum about whether political humor is as discourse-cheapening and violence-inciting as shouting “Kill him!” at a political rally. “We all could do better,” says Frum, boringly. Then he says Rachel Maddow should invite Paul Wolfowitz on her show for a Serious Discussion, and then they both have a hearty chuckle because really, Wolfowitz? That clown? [MSNBC]

• The campaign finance reform laws he authored have helped force John McCain into a position where basically the only ads he can make are the ones tying Barack Obama to the hippie terrorists who engineered America’s mortgage meltdown. [Washington Post]
• Japan’s Nikkei index rose 14 percent today, hurrah! It was traders’ first day on the job since last Friday’s awful no-good very bad day. [AP]
• Even white rural Bitters in Ohio, who believe Obama “has got some Muslim in him,” are leaning toward the Democrat because they are so sick of being poor. [Christian Science Monitor]
• John McCain is running Hillary Clinton’s exact same campaign: chaotic, lurching from “Only I have the experience to lead” to “I am the only white opponent in this race” to, this week, “I am the scrappy underdog who will fight for you.” And we all know how well Clinton’s campaign turned out! [San Francisco Chronicle]
• People who drink a lot have smaller brains than people who don’t. This is why Bill O’Reilly refers to you people as “pinheads.” [Chicago Sun-Times]
• California is on fire again. [Los Angeles Times]

Let’s take a breather from presidential politics for a moment and reflect on this glorious advertisement from the Jim Slattery campaign, which shows Kansas Senator Pat Roberts growing into a fifty-foot monster who urinates on people. This is amazing. ["Hosed"]

Don Lemon hosts some CNN show we never watch because we are too busy WORKING, but he is a heavy user of the Twitter, and it looks like his beautiful friendship with some nut named “Carol” recently went south. Just this morning he was glad she watched his show, but then 12 minutes later he was all, “Please fuck off and die forever, I have no time for you, nut.” MORE »

Look at this heartwarming photo from the Toledo Blade. Some nice lady is “welling up with tears” because she can’t breathe anymore! Someday when she is old and gray, she will tell her grandchildren, “I once had the privilege of being choked to death by America’s first black president.” [Toledo Blade]

In North Carolina there is a famous old liberal named Dean Smith, who coached the Tar Heels for a million years before retiring to become a bleeding heart. He has officially endorsed Barack Obama for president which, according to Wonkette reader Kelsey, means “It’s over in NC.” Coach Smith’s exciting email after the jump. MORE »

FREE LEVI JOHNSTON: The brave high school dropout who impregnated Sarah Palin’s daughter talked with an AP reporter, in his driveway. He spoke in complete sentences, unlike his future mother-in-law! Here is what he said about attending the Republican National Convention: “At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, ‘Whatever.’” Levi Johnston is the wisest, most silver-tongued sage in the extended Palin family. [AP]