A certain Baby K. Smith is due into the world at any moment, like TODAY, and its mother will probably need to look after it for a while until it figures out how to work the safety on the shotgun and open its own beers. You will be left in the capable hands of your male editors, who will maybe force themselves to drag their asses out of bed at a vaguely human hour for the next few months. MORE »

Meh, who wants to watch this whole thing? But it’s worth looking at the beginning to see her booed by town hall attendees for making a joke about Tiger Woods loaning the president $300 trillion. “HEALTHCARE, THIS IS A HEALTHCARE FORUM,” they shout, which is just a deeply unserious thing to yell in a public forum when your congresswoman is trying to get out a joke. Good times start around the 2:15 mark. [YouTube/Dusty Trice]

• A woman who was allegedly kidnapped by a pervy nut 18 years ago has been found; she’s now 29 and has two children with said alleged nut. [ABC News]
• Tropical Storm Danny, which was supposed to ruin Ted Kennedy’s funeral and threaten the lives of President Obama’s daughter, appears to be pulling its punches. [Reuters]
• As part of his bankruptcy plan, Michael Vick will have to figure out how to squeak by on about $300,000 annually, with the rest of his earnings going to investments or creditors. [Daily Press]
• Remember how 9/11 happened because the CIA and the FBI couldn’t get along? They still can’t get along. [New York Times]
• J.P. Morgan Chase, Bank of America, and Citigroup “now issue one of every two mortgages and about two of every three credit cards.” Sheila Bair no likey. [Washington Post]
• How unusual! Wildfires in Southern California! [Los Angeles Times]

John McCain is not having an easy time at these Town Hall Death Panels. A few days ago he got booed for suggesting that former Constitutional law professor Barack Obama is familiar with the Constitution; and then last night he got hassled by one of those irritating Code Pink broads. So he THREW HER OUT, bodily. MORE »

YOUR OBESE BRAIN IS NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE: Ignore our remarks about bacon, stop eating raw cookie dough, and get on John Mackey’s nutrient-dense, organic dick-bag diet: obese people have “severe brain degeneration.” Obese people’s brains are not only withered and weird; they also look older, so if you are at all vain about your brain’s appearance you will definitely not want to become obese. [LiveScience]

NEWS SHOCKER: Meg Stapleton, holder of the World’s Worst Job as spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining. This happens every five days or so, so Meg should probably just have some boilerplate text cooked up to explain these embarrassing incidents. MORE »

Remember when all the Kennedys were handsome and noble and square of jaw? They still have the jaw thing but everything else about them is crappy and disappointing. Join us as we walk through the Rogue’s Gallery of Remaining Kennedys and reflect on the Death of Camelot, etc. MORE »

Oh good LORD. Sorry, those of you who are still employed and can’t listen to the communist propaganda organ Nationalized Public Radio while you’re at work! This is a precious, precious little exhange between walking human lexicon Steve Inskeep and double-talking Medicare clown Michael Steele, who does not understand that “nuanced” is not a naturally derogatory term. Things get good around the 5:30 mark. Thanks to elitist NPR listeners “Lindsay” and Superfecta for bringing this to our attention. [NPR]

• The GDP “only” declined 1 percent in the second quarter of 2009, which, sure, capped a record year straight of declines, but still! Less than the expected 1.5 percent. [AP]
• The ghoulish Kennedy clan is keeping constant watch over Teddy’s body to make sure he’s “never alone.” [ABC News]
• South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said “thanks, but no thanks” to his lieutenant governor’s gracious invitation for Sanford to step down. [Los Angeles Times]
• The federal probe that prevented Bill Richardson from becoming Commerce Secretary has reportedly been killed, by federal officials. [AP]
• Michael Jackson::Ted Kennedy = Farrah Fawcett::Dominick Dunne. [Los Angeles Times]
• The US is bringing some members of Mexican drug cartels north of the border and using them as informants, and danged if some of the horrible violence and shootings don’t come along with them. Washington Post]

A group of important politicians, including Senators Harry Reid and John Ensign and also the beloved waitress-assaulting alcoholic buffoon Governor Jim Gibbons, gathered ’round uncomfortably to dedicate a new 2900-acre shooting park in Clark County, Nevada yesterday. Ensign reportedly “gazed into his lap, fiddling with his wedding band, turning it this way and that, slipping it off and putting it on different fingers.” What a douche! MORE »

Well, that tears it. Cuban Communist nightmare thug Fidel Castro wrote a sympathetic newspaper column about our president, which means that Obama must resign immediately. “The extreme right hates him for being African-American and fights what the president does to improve the deteriorated image of that country,” Castro wrote. Right at this moment, legions of angry wingnuts are printing out this column as definitive proof that garden variety liberal bleeding hearts are in league with Latin American dictators. [Reuters]