Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  my fellow kenyan impostor wussy dictators

Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!

Why does Obama hate freedom scams?
It’s that time of year again: when your wussy liberal islamocommunofascist pals gather round the Wonkette hearth and trade googly-heart-eyes for “President” Barack (“Mom”) Obama. Will he announce Obamaphones for some and FEMA camps for the rest? Here’s fucking hoping. Read more on Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!…
  no one here gets out alive

Ass, Gas Or Grass: Which Is Sarah Palin Offering Here?

Sarah Palin’s teevee show is back! Maybe it was on last night? We do not know and we would not have put it on our eyeballs anyway. BUT! We did watch this trailer for it, because Sarah Palin is hanging her ass out like, when is she not? Anyway, it is awful. Live it with us! Read more on Ass, Gas Or Grass: Which Is Sarah Palin Offering Here?…
  mmmm pickled livers

Please Stop Trying To Poison John Boehner, It Is Very Very Rude

A country club bartender was indicted for threatening to poison and/or shoot and/or spear while garroting and drowning (yeah, we saw Lethal Weapon 4) the great and powerful Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Let’s not do that, guys! Let’s not poison or shoot or spear while garroting and drowning John Boehner, it is Rude. It is also rude to make fun of John Boehner’s endless tears of alcoholism and his pickled liver, which the preceding link did before it was updated to stop doing that, so don’t do that either hahahaha of course you’re going to. John Boehner’s pickled liver is the only thing we have in common, and is a liver we mock affectionately, knowing it is only a matter of decades before we’re having pickled livers with fava beans and a nice chianti in our own distended thoraxes, maybe, if that is where livers actually go (unsure). Read more on Please Stop Trying To Poison John Boehner, It Is Very Very Rude…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks

Mayor Bill de Blasio, he’s got a problem with the Rank and File because he won’t let them stop all the black men and pat down their genitals for being OBVIOUS CRIMERS. (Yes, we know we have a dangling genital in there. That is because it is the penises doing the crimes.) But did you know his wife, a former lesbian (never forget) went to that NYPD funeral for Officer Liu in a Fuck the NYPD t-shirt, pretty much? (No she didn’t.) Okay, well if she didn’t go to the funeral in a fetching vintage 1988 Straight Outta Compton concert tour number, she WORE JEANS. (She still didn’t.) Read more on NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks…
  poor men

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There’s this Catholic Cardinal — Raymond Cardinal Burke — and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire. How is Burke delighting us with his words today? Well, he interviews with “The New Emangelization” (not kidding) about how “radical feminists” murdered the Catholic Church. Because of course he fucking did. For his next trick, he will probably cover up some child molestations and excommunicate the entire Democratic Party. Oh wait, he already did. Read more on Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism…
  crying over you

Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?

Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean.
Every two years, all the wild-and-crazy Tea Party guys in the House GOP put on their togas and have a big awesome food fight and promise this time they’re really, really gonna get Dean Wormer, or at least INPEACH John Boehner for being a big dumb drunk RINO who only lets them shut down the government a little bit. BOO NO FUN, BOYCOTT JOHN BOEHNER, UNFAIR TO CRAZY PEOPLE! Read more on Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?…
  it's a major award

Sarah Palin Was Someone’s ‘Achiever’ Of The Year. Let That Sink In.

When we saw that Sarah Palin had been named someone’s “Achiever” of the year of our lord 2014, unfortunately, we were forced to read on. BUT HOW did someone name the former half-term governor “achiever” of anything, we asked ourselves! Did she even have a reality show this year? (Unknown.) Luckily, Bristol “Lefty” Palin was there to answer. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Someone’s ‘Achiever’ Of The Year. Let That Sink In….
  because it is a day

Sarah Palin Being A Bit Of A Dick Again!

Over the weekend, there was a bit of a dogshitstorm when former half-term governor/queen of your nightmares Sarah Palin posted a picture of her (VERY CUTE) son Trig standing on his service animal. Most people would say, “honey, we don’t stand on the dog.” Palin chose instead to parabolate on stepping stones, and how you should step on people and dogs and then probably shoot them from a helicopter. The internet was not pleased! Read more on Sarah Palin Being A Bit Of A Dick Again!…
  sexy obits

RIP Edward Brooke, First Black Senator Since Reconstruction, First Black Dude Barbara Walters Boned

Edward Brooke, the first black U.S. senator since Reconstruction, has died. He was a Republican like they used to make ‘em: urged Nixon to resign, supported public housing and school busing (in Massachusetts!) and the ERA, sexed up Barbara Walters. You know: the good old days! Read more on RIP Edward Brooke, First Black Senator Since Reconstruction, First Black Dude Barbara Walters Boned…
  freeeeee nelson mandela

Madonna Is Your New Nelson Mandela! Please Pass The Cyanide.

Life is a mystery
Last year, Madonna put herself in Art Jail, with a 17-minute tone poem about how … the oppression was coming from inside the house! It was hilarious, and ridiculose, and full of hot dudes doing really good ripoffs of Chicago, and it was all about, like, stuff. (Go on, click over to our little sister site HappyNiceTimePeople.com, which we done sold but we still get $$$ from it! We wrote the thing, so you know it’s finger-lickin’ good!) Now, Madonna is going even further, by sexplaining that she is basically Nelson Mandela, known to his countrymen as “Madiba.” That is like ONE SYLLABLE AWAY from Madonna! So you know that it is true. Read more on Madonna Is Your New Nelson Mandela! Please Pass The Cyanide….
  Also: a recipe hub

So You Want To Mommyblog At Yr Wonkette

Really, did the Bats episode need a song? It did not need a song.
Greetings Earthlings! You are a person with an asshole and an opinion, and you would like to write for yr Wonkette! This is how you do it. DON’T … send a letter to kaili at wonkette dot com that says “I am a writer and would like to write for you on the topic of your choice. Here is not a link to anything I have ever written, because I am stupid and didn’t include links to stuff I have written.” Read more on So You Want To Mommyblog At Yr Wonkette…
  and then she shot it from a helicopter twice

Sarah Palin Pisses Off Allllll The Animal Lovers. Oh Like You’ve Never Stepped On A Dog

Sarah Palin has pissed off alllll the animal lovers — but you knew that, it was right there in the headline! — by letting her small son stand on his service dog to “help with the dishes.” They are SO MAD YOU GUYS. They are all like “HELP! PETA HOTLINE! PLEASE COME AND TAKE AWAY THIS SERVICE DOG AND EUTHANIZE IT, BECAUSE THAT IS THEIR ADMITTED POLICY, EUTHANIZE FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER.” Come on, like you’ve never stood on a dog. Read more on Sarah Palin Pisses Off Allllll The Animal Lovers. Oh Like You’ve Never Stepped On A Dog…
  king of pain

2014: The Year The Stupidest Man On The Internet Handed Off His Aluminum Crown

Let heavenly choirs sing songs of joy! Let earthly men tremble on their knees! For we have seen the glory of Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, handing off his crown (the one that says “Stupidest Man on the Internet,” DO try to keep up!) to the pure, righteous, fuckin’ dumb that is New Blogger on the Block Chuck C. Johnson. Let us rejoice and be glad! Read more on 2014: The Year The Stupidest Man On The Internet Handed Off His Aluminum Crown…
  pow! right in the kisser!

2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True

She's all out of makeup, frankly.
There’s this lady, Sarah Palin, you wouldn’t know her. She flitted through the public consciousness for a hot minute in 2008, and then was never heard from again. Haha, spoiler alert, yes she was. We’re sorry. But aside from all Sarah Palin’s usual hijinks, most of which involved either racism or grift (because like we said, “usual”), there was one glorious moment in 2014 in which all the Palin clan’s true class became as crystal clear as the finest Coors Lite. And it lasted like a month. Read more on 2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True…
  christmas cheer

Let’s All Send Money To This Dude In Uganda, Because At Least He’s Not Sarah Palin’s Brother

About a week ago, we got a nice note from a Ugandan fella saying how much he liked Wonkette and also could we help him raise money? He was creating the Uganda Community Farm, a microcredit program, a farmers market AND a stove program to help with Uganda’s deforestation. We were all like oh yeah we will look into that just as soon as we learn how to do investigative journalism to make sure it’s not all just going into dude’s pocket. Read more on Let’s All Send Money To This Dude In Uganda, Because At Least He’s Not Sarah Palin’s Brother…
  santa is coming and he's pissed

Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!

Here is a “fun” picture from your friendly neighborhood Walmart, which shows the real reason for the season: Santa cracking down on crimers and thugs! Notice his North Pole penguin (because “magic”) with the radar gun. If you are a white crimer, you will get a speeding ticket. If you are a black crimer — but obviously we repeat ourself — then G_d only knows what will happen to you. Before you leave for work today, please kiss your mama and your wife. Read more on Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!…
  kickstarter to shut these bitches up already jesus

Sarah Palin’s Brother Learning The Art Of The Sweet Sweet Grift

lol
We’ve had a lot of fun over the years laughing until we puked about how former half-term governor Sarah Palin loves to fleece rubes. (You and your family should probably check Grandma’s bank statements before you send her to the home.) But did you know grifting is an art you can learn? It’s true! Just ask Palin’s brother, Chuck Heath Jr., who has a kickstarter up for the fine and noble purpose of buying Chuck Heath Jr. some new camera equipment! Let’s see what Brotherquitter has to say! Read more on Sarah Palin’s Brother Learning The Art Of The Sweet Sweet Grift…
  Nasty vile little snark mob take two

Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?

Really, did the Bats episode need a song? It did not need a song.
Some of you are writing in all like “WAAAH I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT WONKETTE, HOME FAMOUS WORLD OF ASSFUCKING AND DICK JOKES!” You would like to know if you have been banned? Well, obviously the answer is of course you have. The other answer is “oh, been using Adblocker Plus, which has lately taken to blocking Wonkette’s very very stupid commenting system of choice, IntenseDebate? YA BUSTED!!1!” Read more on Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?…
  la ciudad mi corazon

Our Man In Havana

Due to today’s stunning news that Barack Obama will have the greatest lameduck in history and normalize relations with Cuba — or cede control of the US to Fidel Castro and Nikita Kruschev — we offer you a story we wrote some years ago. We think it’s pretty. Read more on Our Man In Havana…
  media circus

Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic

We haven’t had much — or anything? — to say about the mass hissyfit at The New Republic, because, honestly, how could we care? But that was before we read Ryan Lizza’s Inside the Collapse of The New Republic at the New Yorker, to which we could only sit at our kitchen table and moan OH SAVE US SWEET JESUS. Read more on Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic…