Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  christmas cheer

Let’s All Send Money To This Dude In Uganda, Because At Least He’s Not Sarah Palin’s Brother

About a week ago, we got a nice note from a Ugandan fella saying how much he liked Wonkette and also could we help him raise money? He was creating the Uganda Community Farm, a microcredit program, a farmers market AND a stove program to help with Uganda’s deforestation. We were all like oh yeah we will look into that just as soon as we learn how to do investigative journalism to make sure it’s not all just going into dude’s pocket. Read more on Let’s All Send Money To This Dude In Uganda, Because At Least He’s Not Sarah Palin’s Brother…
  santa is coming and he's pissed

Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!

Here is a “fun” picture from your friendly neighborhood Walmart, which shows the real reason for the season: Santa cracking down on crimers and thugs! Notice his North Pole penguin (because “magic”) with the radar gun. If you are a white crimer, you will get a speeding ticket. If you are a black crimer — but obviously we repeat ourself — then G_d only knows what will happen to you. Before you leave for work today, please kiss your mama and your wife. Read more on Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!…
  kickstarter to shut these bitches up already jesus

Sarah Palin’s Brother Learning The Art Of The Sweet Sweet Grift

lol
We’ve had a lot of fun over the years laughing until we puked about how former half-term governor Sarah Palin loves to fleece rubes. (You and your family should probably check Grandma’s bank statements before you send her to the home.) But did you know grifting is an art you can learn? It’s true! Just ask Palin’s brother, Chuck Heath Jr., who has a kickstarter up for the fine and noble purpose of buying Chuck Heath Jr. some new camera equipment! Let’s see what Brotherquitter has to say! Read more on Sarah Palin’s Brother Learning The Art Of The Sweet Sweet Grift…
  Nasty vile little snark mob take two

Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?

Really, did the Bats episode need a song? It did not need a song.
Some of you are writing in all like “WAAAH I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT WONKETTE, HOME FAMOUS WORLD OF ASSFUCKING AND DICK JOKES!” You would like to know if you have been banned? Well, obviously the answer is of course you have. The other answer is “oh, been using Adblocker Plus, which has lately taken to blocking Wonkette’s very very stupid commenting system of choice, IntenseDebate? YA BUSTED!!1!” Read more on Hey What Happened To My Comments (Which Wonkette Has Never Allowed)?…
  la ciudad mi corazon

Our Man In Havana

Due to today’s stunning news that Barack Obama will have the greatest lameduck in history and normalize relations with Cuba — or cede control of the US to Fidel Castro and Nikita Kruschev — we offer you a story we wrote some years ago. We think it’s pretty. Read more on Our Man In Havana…
  media circus

Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic

We haven’t had much — or anything? — to say about the mass hissyfit at The New Republic, because, honestly, how could we care? But that was before we read Ryan Lizza’s Inside the Collapse of The New Republic at the New Yorker, to which we could only sit at our kitchen table and moan OH SAVE US SWEET JESUS. Read more on Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic…
  sundays with the atheists

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Wedding

Mandatory musical accompaniment to this post, for when you decide to have a perfect day, getting MARRIED TO HEROIN. How do you throw a perfect wedding in just six weeks to celebrate your love and eternal commitment and success at babby-forming (which you magically embedded on your very first date)? We, your mommyblog recipe hub, are here to help. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Wedding…
  It's Not Because He's Fat It's Because He Eats Babies

What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?

Chris Christie, he’s a hell of a nice guy, no matter what that goldurned New York Times Magazine says. (They called him masterful and a winner, basically, in many many many words that we did not read all of, because author Mark Leibovich was basically jacking off on the page, and it made us feel icky in our icky place.) Read more on What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?…
  today in hilarious rape comedy

Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’

with the jello and the pudding
Our pals at the Village Voice’s Running Scared blog have done some journalism: they have actually listened to Bill Cosby’s old albums, until they found a HILARIOUS bit about how AWESOME it would be to have a drug you could put in ladies’ drinks until they wanted to fuck you! (Or passed out, puking themselves, on a couch, while you fucked them. Six of one …) Read more on Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’…
  Mama Look A Bad-Ass

Learn Some Goddamn History From Harry Belafonte, Cool F*ckin’ Dude

Harry Belafonte is a fucking national treasure. (You, not being an idiot, already knew that.) Not only did he put food on Martin Luther King Jr.’s family, and work for civil rights from early on, and endure the Black List, and make awesome fucking music that your family loves to sing at you, he also makes fun of the Tea Party all the time and yells at Jay-Z to get all activist and shit. Read more on Learn Some Goddamn History From Harry Belafonte, Cool F*ckin’ Dude…
  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he is making up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke — again! — to a ceremonial job with no influence and no ability to dick over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. Read more on Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks…
  god bless the usa

Sarah Palin Pretty Sure Sarah Palin To Thank For GOP Midterm Tidal Wave

Sarah Palin, remember her? She was that lady who socialized Alaska’s oil, fought the good old boy network, and broke the glass ceiling in the Land of the Midnight Sun? We know, it’s hard to place her, due to her eschewing of the limelight and total unwillingness to say whatever crazy shit popped into her brainsponge. Just a head-down, nose-to-the-grindstone “get er done” kind of woman. The kind the phrase “if you want something done, ask a busy person” was written for. Read more on Sarah Palin Pretty Sure Sarah Palin To Thank For GOP Midterm Tidal Wave…
  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That’s too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if she has any suicide hangover remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You’re welcome!) Read more on GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?…
  he seems nice

James Lankford Is Your New Senator, Oklahoma, Congratulations He Is Terrible

Oklahoma state Senator Connie Johnson may do a POWERFUL Maya Angelou — and she does — but she was no match for the combination of dumb and mean that is one Rep. — and now U.S. Senator-elect — James Lankford, who’ll take over for the retiring Doctor Senator Tom Coburn. Should we learn more about James Lankford? Sigh. Read more on James Lankford Is Your New Senator, Oklahoma, Congratulations He Is Terrible…
  DOOOOOOM

Election 2014: Liveblogging The GOP-ocalypse

So we had an election today? With the voting? (Or the vote frauding, if you are a Democrat.) The bad news is that a whole lotta Republicans are probably going to win a whole lotta races and do a whole lotta damage to this, our United States of Jesus Thomas Jefferson. Or maybe they will just shut down the whole government and call it a day. Here, this delicious Lemon and Rosemary Gin Fizz For All Your Election Day Sorrow-Drowning might help. Read more on Election 2014: Liveblogging The GOP-ocalypse…
  you know you want it

Old Handsome Joe Biden Has Ten Percent Chance Of Becoming Earth’s Most Important Human Tonight

Every once in a while, some lucky American who is not the president gets to be The Most Important Human Being On Earth. For a while, it was Olympia Snowe! Sometimes, it was that schmuck from Nebraska, Ben something, fuck that guy. After tonight though, there is a 10 percent chance it will be our own true forever love, Old Handsome Joe Biden. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Has Ten Percent Chance Of Becoming Earth’s Most Important Human Tonight…
 

All-Knowing, Omnipotent Chuck Todd Says God Or Obama Is Dead (Same Difference)

Chuck Todd loves nothing more to magisterially pronounce the end of things (and then sheepishly apologize). A few weeks ago, he determined, in his usual godlike way, that Alison Lundergan Grimes had “disqualified” herself for the U.S. Senate by refusing to answer a question about who she’d voted for. (Considering she was an Obama delegate, it was probably Obama, but WHO CAN EVER KNOW???) Read more on All-Knowing, Omnipotent Chuck Todd Says God Or Obama Is Dead (Same Difference)…