Are you a person of a duskier hue? Maybe one of our fellow Americans with a really “great tan”? Maybe, because of this variation in skin color from the sallow peachish color of many of us, your forebears actually had to “harvest” cotton, all forced-like. But did you know, friends of color, that according to […]

Rick Perry ain’t gonna meet with no “president” of these here Yoonited States just to have a photo op-pur-tunity on the tarmac, no sir! If’n he meets the “president” it ain’t gonna be for huggin’ an’ smoochin’ like that ol’ pantywaist Chris Christie. No, he is gonna meet with the “president” for REAL only, sittin’ […]

What’s up at our sweet little sister, happynicetimepeople, today? Oh, you know, stuff. Mostly vag stuff. It’s just that kind of day. Sara Benincasa seems to maybe possibly have a thing for DOIN’ IT to the musical stylings of Bob Seger? Knock yourself out girl. Then she wrote this Quizzy Quiz, Are You New York […]

From time to time, we here at the Glorious Wonkette, May It Live Forever, call upon you, the Wonker, to give us shit. Sometimes it is money! (It is always money.) Sometimes it is your expertise, like that time we said “How do we make a website?” and you answered! Once we were drunk and […]

PepsiCo’s president is some dumb lady, Indra Nooyi we guess, and she was pretty excited when she got some dumb important job, instead of knowing where her real priorities should lie. (“Family.” “It’s all about family.” Which is in no way a sentiment that brings out the worst vice-cloaked-as-virtue Americans are prone to, the xenophobic […]

UPDATED BELOW! Sup, Walmart? Just sellin’ inspirational posters featuring the gates of Dachau and their famously inspiring motto “Arbeit Macht Frei,” or “Work Makes You Free,” BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Turns out Virginia isn’t the only commonwealth thingie that likes to scream about crime and brown babies. The hippie-dippy lovechildren fruits and nuts in California (just kidding, Riverside isn’t really California) would like to scream about crime and brown babies too! But they have added an extra frisson of California Nice, actually blocking the brown […]

Hey, gross old Virginia Dem Joe Morrissey, were you boning your teenage secretary, and asking her to send you pictures of her muff, and otherwise being gross and disgusting? You were not? It was LESBIAN HAXXORS who planted those sexts in both your teenage inamorata’s phone and yours, including the instant classic “OMG I just […]

Did you read TalkingPointsMemo’s barnburner of a story about Maine Governor Paul LePage, and how he is so stupid that he kept meeting with a group of Sovereign Citizens — eight times in eight months, Blanche, for one to three hours each? And that the Sovereign Citizens loved talking about their buddy who was in […]

Do you like to #read things on the #internet? Then have we got happy nice time links for you! John Oliver yelled at Hobby Lobby, because Jesus Fucking Christ Hobby Lobby. That is all. Your comrade Mojopo had some tips for girls who wish to remain unfertile. Mojopo is not a doctor, but does recommend […]

Vegans, so annoying! If you want to be a vegetarian and come to my house for dinner, I can work with that! I can rustle up some hearty beets and whatnot, and I can feed you something tasty and nice, because of how I will put cheese on it! (Yes, even the beets.) But if […]

Reading Is For Snobs had a nice catch today with the Grover Norquist tweet you see above (above). Asked for his favorite Jimi Hendrix song, the anti-tax “small government” guru chose “Hey Joe” because it is pro-Second-Amendment and pro-family! (Pro-Second-Amendmenting your family, at any rate.) Let’s reacquaint ourselves with Hendrix’s pro-family message, shall we? Fuck […]

Government bureacrats: the thin, gray-flannel-suit line between civilization and Somalia. The Environmental Protection Agency, for instance, keeps us from having exploding water, and poisoned water, and eyeless shrimp hahahaha lololol jk jk. But they want to. OR DO THEY? In his story — soon to become a classic of the genre — EPA Employees Told […]

Wonket operative “Chris” sends us this super-sexxxy Teabagwear from Sears, which is funny because the reclusive hedge fund billionaire shotcaller of Sears, Eddie Lampert, is sort of an “ineptocracy guy” his own bad self! (IT’S CALLED IRONY, MOTHERFUCKERS.) For those of you who can’t read Teabag, we transcribed it: A system of government where the […]

This is some bullshit. The chief of staff to Ohio GOP Rep. Steve Stivers has resigned after a former porn actress posted an explicit photo of the aide online. Adam Kuhn, a longtime Stivers’ aide and chief of staff, resigned on Tuesday. Kuhn is single, while the actress is married. So was it a question […]