Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  mommyblogging

Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!

Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I planned this baby I was so sad about having just a few days ago, bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks! Read more on Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!…
  Give Us Some Money

Now You Will Send Us Moneys For Your Bernie Sanders 2016 T-Shirt. No, NOW.

Oh hey Bernie Sanders, you are a socialist, and you are running for president! We have made you some T-shirts! See, you are like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, but you are not a mad scientist! You are a very sane scientist! You just have funny hair! Read more on Now You Will Send Us Moneys For Your Bernie Sanders 2016 T-Shirt. No, NOW….
  mommyblogging

How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar

Let us tell you our sex fantasies.
It’s okay to feel sorry for Josh Duggar — we as liberals know teenage boys’ brains haven’t finished developing yet, which is why we don’t like sending them to the electric chair. Liberals also know we are molded by our circumstances: He was so young (assuming — assuming — his sexcrime spree has ended). Plus, he’s got those parents, and all that sexual dysfunction, and the bizarre patriarchal bullshit, and the constant lessons that Eve (even in the form of his preteen sisters, apparently) is there to tempt him from righteousness, I mean my god. We also know that nobody is all good or all bad, except Dick Cheney. Read more on How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar…
  mommyblogging

Raise Less Corn, More Hell

Viva sandino!
Rebecca usually runs this every May Day, but she took the goddamn day off to be eight months pregnant, whatever. So now it’s a Mother’s Day post! –Evan Hurst And so today is May Day! We can have — or heave! — a cocktail for the working man. We can put on Our Marching Zapatos of Ocupado Justice! We can do lots and loads of things! But me, I’m missing mi mamacita communista. She didn’t die or anything, she just retired and moved back to Oklahoma, where they still (unaccountably) haven’t burned her for a witch. Read more on Raise Less Corn, More Hell…
  mommyblogging

Sofia Vergara’s Ex, Sherri Shepherd, Fox Doc Keith Ablow Enter Jerk-Off Contest. All Win.

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Last week, the Internet had itself a rollicking time being horrified and disgusted by some douche, Nick Loeb we guess, taking to the pages of the New York Times to explain why he’s suing for the right to take ex-fiancee Sofia Vergara’s frozen babies out of their Petri dish, plant them in a stranger’s belly, and make a happy home. Short version: but he waaaaaants them. Long version: What part of “but Nick Loeb wants them” don’t you understand? (Loeb is a rich person, and is used to getting what the fuck he would like.) Read more on Sofia Vergara’s Ex, Sherri Shepherd, Fox Doc Keith Ablow Enter Jerk-Off Contest. All Win….
  mommyblogging

Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!

Move over, Paul Anka. There is a new pro-life anthem in town, and not a minute too soon because “You’re Having My Baby” came out over 40 years ago! Let’s remind ourselves of the glory and perfection that was the song about how Paul Anka is super glad his woman did not put a coathanger to the fruit of his jism: Read more on Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!…
  let them eat kale!

Jesus, Internet, What’s The Matter, Did Gwyneth Paltrow Bone Your Dad?

Movie star lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow has taken up the SNAP challenge — to eat only what she can afford on the $29 a week, on average, that people on food stamps receive. Did you know the Internet is VERY MAD about this? How dare this privileged princess make a mockery of hunger advocacy blah blah yortle blerp? HOW DARE YOU GWYNETH PALTROW???? Read more on Jesus, Internet, What’s The Matter, Did Gwyneth Paltrow Bone Your Dad?…
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this picture
We had nothing but Molotovs when we heard Bristol Palin had betrothed herself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer. We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot. Read more on Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence…
  nature's most disgusting miracle

Hi, Let’s Talk About My Hemorrhoids! By Me, Rebecca Schoenkopf!

If you are related to me by marriage, stop reading this immediately. If you are related to me by blood or not at all, pull up a pillow, we are going to be talking about my seven-months-pregnant, thrombosed-hemorrhoidal, still cute and perky as long as you’re not looking in the wrong place, ass. Where is the wrong place in which you might be looking, say if you were my husband and you were having doggy-style sex with me? TRICK QUESTION! You, my husband, who ARE NOT READING THIS, are not having sex with me, because of my ass. [Also, TRIGGER WARNING, FOR GROSSNESS.] Read more on Hi, Let’s Talk About My Hemorrhoids! By Me, Rebecca Schoenkopf!…
  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
With now FIVE FULL-TIME STAFFERS, your Wonkette is … we’re not sure, but we think half as big as Twitchy now? So if you need a dumb, unclever, rightwing take on stupid tweets telling libtards SNAP and THEY ARE BURNT, we could do that halfway for you! Read more on Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change…
  why don't we get drunk and ... nope

Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)

Award-winning journalist (lol) Chuck C. Johnson has been promising us many SCOOPS this week! While we are still waiting on pins and needles and tenterhooks and fishbaits to find out which conservative politician’s CAREER Chuck is going to END with booby-grabbing revelations (IS IT BOB PACKWOOD????), we do have this sideways cell phone camera video of a man Chuck says is John Boehner, though there is no way to really know, come to think of it, slurring THE FUCK outta some names of some colleges. Read more on Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)…
  good luck you mean dumb kids!

Some Dude Making Bristol Palin An Honest Woman. Molotov, Bristol Palin!

We come not to bury Bristol Palin, recently affianced betrothed of some guy, but to be really happy for her. Seriously! Not even kidding! Sure, she’s dumb and mean, and her Medal of Honor-winning soldier-person guy is also kind of dumb and mean (judging by this, where he is accidentally eye-fuc-ed by his new fiancee’s mom), but we have seen the men Bristol used to put her vagina on, and we wouldn’t wish them on … Bristol Palin. Read more on Some Dude Making Bristol Palin An Honest Woman. Molotov, Bristol Palin!…
  fingerpointing blamegame

Who’s To Blame For Godly Justin Harris Dumping His ‘Demonic’ Kids? People Like You

A member of the truth-challenged community
Everybody is being pretty mean to Justin Harris, the Arkansas state representative who just wanted to help some children have a good home and family, and show them some love and tenderness and stability before he decided that since even an exorcism couldn’t make them behave, they were way too much trouble, and so he “rehomed” them with a man who rapes children. They are saying really, REALLY mean things. They are saying things like “put him in jail” and “put him in jail forever” and “what a bad father” and “he should really resign” and also things that would get them banned from the comments section several times over for “violent ideation,” so we will pretend they did not say them. Read more on Who’s To Blame For Godly Justin Harris Dumping His ‘Demonic’ Kids? People Like You…
  goin' back to indiana

Oh Good, Sydney Leathers Is Back, Still Doing Gross Sex On Democrats

step 9: buy more eye shadow
Are you lucky enough to have forgotten Sydney Leathers? One-time rising-Democratic-star Anthony Weiner isn’t! Sending dick pix to the regular gal-cum-sad porn star-cum-sexxxy dominatrix caused him to lose his House seat, become a national punchline, and … we don’t even know! Is he still alive? Well, now Sydney Leathers has ANOTHER Democratic scalp on her bedpost, because some dumb idiot state rep. from Indiana decided to dick-pic her too! Men! They are very stupid. Read more on Oh Good, Sydney Leathers Is Back, Still Doing Gross Sex On Democrats…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  shit happens

Pope: If I’m Assassinated, Eh, Screw It, YOLO!

There’s a lot of people out there who don’t love New Pope. (Yes, 17 years on or whatever, he will always be New Pope to us.) There’s the Mafia, ISIS, Rick Santorum … But say somebody actually tries to whack him, or homicide-bomb him, or drown him in the frothy mixture of feces and lubricant that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex? Read more on Pope: If I’m Assassinated, Eh, Screw It, YOLO!…
  The Christian Lawmaker And The Devil Children

Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)

Marsha and Justin Harris
  After the older of his two adopted daughters — at the mature age of six — was raped by the man to whom he had “rehomed” her, Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris (R – “God’s Kingdom”) gave a press conference today to attempt to justify it. (He did not attempt to justify the rape, by family friend Eric Francis, to whom he had turned over his two adopted daughters in late 2013; he merely attempted to justify the rest of it.) Harris started by “clarifying” that “the victims here are the children,” since the country and the Internet did not take well to his sad claim yesterday that it was he and his wife who had “suffered a severe injustice.” While the girls were “the real victims,” he back-pedaled, he and his wife had been “failed” by the Department of Human Services, which is¬†really to blame. Read more on Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)…
  just shrink Dennis Quaid and stuff him right up there

Idaho Republican Asks How Do You Get Stuff In A Lady’s Vagina?

it's a baby not a robot doll
Vito Barbieri is not as stupid as you think he is. (Okay, he is probably as stupid as you think he is.) But by donning the mantle of a complete buffoon who thinks — we don’t know, that you put Sheldon Adelson’s aspirin in your vagina? — he may have actually made a point about “telemedicine,” and how you can’t use it to look in a lady’s cooter. (His point will turn out to be moot, but it IS ONE.) Read more on Idaho Republican Asks How Do You Get Stuff In A Lady’s Vagina?…
  a state without a mexican

TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle

It’s my birthday next week, and I started thinking about day trips my husband can take me on, since there will be no “Life, The Universe And Everything” parties or Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters in my immediate future. Read more on TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle…
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

Two mornings ago, our husband flagged for us a silly story about some dumb Montana derp farmer trying to outlaw “simulated” nudity. He flagged this story for one reason only: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE TRUCKNUTZ??? “Haha, poor TruckNutz,” said we, and threw it out to the hordes in the chatcave. Our executive editor, Kaili Joy Gray, wrote it up and that was that. “Dumb Montana derp farmer; simulated nudity; naked bicycle rides; the end.” Read more on How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)…
  thanks obama!

Beloved San Fran Sci-Fi Bookstore Time-Travels Three Years Into Future To Go Galt

Here is a stupid story that is dumb: Borderland Books, a sci-fi and mystery bookstore in San Francisco’s Mission District, is closing its Tardis portal (do they have portals? unclear) in March because of San Francisco’s terrible horrible (but well-intentioned!) law mandating a $15 minimum wage … in 2018. We’re not science fiction bookstore owners, but we can try to do that math, and according to us, 2018 is three years from now. And yet this dumb and terrible (but well-intentioned!) minimum wage increase is claiming its first indy bookstore scalp now. Huh! That is so weird! Read more on Beloved San Fran Sci-Fi Bookstore Time-Travels Three Years Into Future To Go Galt…