Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  help us help you help us

Thank You For Being A Friend

These ladies were never part of the GOP base.
Comrades! Do you remember yesterday, and today, when your Wonkette was broked? The husband yelled and scared the baby. Kaili shook and trembled and PANICKED! like an undrugged sheltie on the Fourth of July. Dok and Evan took a nap. I poured liquor into a cup and searched for fundraising thermometers that looked like dicks. So pretty much a typical Wonkette day! Except for one thing: how we asked you for moneys and then you sent us FIFTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM. Read more on Thank You For Being A Friend…
  also lawyers and guns

Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER! Read more on Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money…
  it's about ethics in gay-men journalism

Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all

Last week, the media-hijinks website Gawker made a wee oopsy. It posted a story about some guy — literally, just some guy — attempting to step out on his wife with a gay porn star who then tried to blackmail our hero. (It was not, bizarrely enough, an expose of the blackmailer but of the blackmailee.) The Internet responded poorly to the outing of a private person on the word of an extortionist with mental health issues, and after so much outcry, Gawker’s board of directors took the unprecedented step of removing the post from the web. It was long after the horse was out of the boxer briefs, but you do what you can. Now all the top editors are quitting their jobs at Gawker, and also losing their shit! It’s about editorial independence! And the right to out closeted married guys! Read more on Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all…
  what do they call their obamaphones?

Old Man Married To Queen Calls People Spongers On Way To Cash Million-Pound Treasury Cheque

Prince Philip — best known stateside as Mr. Queen of England — is a right cock. He has a mean face, and is always yelling at people and calling them “slitty eyes,” and you get the idea based on no evidence whatsoever except watching James Cromwell play him in The Queen that he is definitely A Asshole. But in addition, Eng-lande’s No. One Welfare King also likes to make funny jokes about other people “sponging”! (“Sponging” in British is like being “a taker” who works for a living, instead of being a job creator entrepreneur, son of a governor, or member of the royal family.) You guys, Cute Britain has its very own Mitt Romney! Next, he will make fun of the cakes they like and also insult them to their faces. Er, we mean more. Read more on Old Man Married To Queen Calls People Spongers On Way To Cash Million-Pound Treasury Cheque…
  sounds better in the original german

Jeb! Bush To America: Work Makes You Free

what, me work?
Jeb! Bush said a stupid yesterday, because it was a day. And because it was Jeb! Bush, it took a page straight from the Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romneyshire playbook. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on Jeb! Bush To America: Work Makes You Free…
  mommyblogging

HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do

Hello! Come in! Come in! Sit! What can I get you? Beer? Wine? Assorted jams? NOW LOOK AT MY BABY PICTURES! Maternity leave was great, thank you for asking! In fact, I will probably take more of it once Kaili is back from her vacation doing whatever Democrats do on vacation — probably golfing in Hawaii with the king of Spain. But how did I take maternity leave when we aren’t even Swedish? Easy, I own the company hahahahaha, oh, isn’t life rich. Read more on HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do…
  Wonkette weekend bipartisan Old Handsome Joe Biden nice time!

Watch Lindsey Graham Cry Like A Little … Oh, He’s Crying For Joe Biden. Carry On!

He makes the gays' days better. AND their nights.
Good morning, Wonkers, and happy God Loves America Best Weekend! We will not be saying many “words” at you for the next couple of days — some words here and there, maybe, with most of them being “pussy” — but wanted to bring you this lovely bipartisan Nice Time of Lindsey Graham crying like a little bitch about … Old Handsome Joe Biden being “as good a man as God ever created.” Let’s do it! Read more on Watch Lindsey Graham Cry Like A Little … Oh, He’s Crying For Joe Biden. Carry On!…
  give a dog a bone

Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay

“This is coming. And it’s coming like a tidal wave.” Tom Delay, the former Speaker Majority Leader of the House of Representatives — really, the national one! — knows a tidal wave of coming when he sees one, and the tidal wave of coming that is coming is this here “secret memo” from the Department of Justice that will legalize “the 12 perversions,” including bestiality, pedophilia, raping little boys, and like nine others, depending on whether “pedophilia” and “little boy rape” are the same perversion or, somehow, different ones. Read more on Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay…
  the wedding klanner

This GoFundMe Sh*t Is Really Getting Out Of Hand

Americans love a good grift. This is why we have Sarah Palin, televangelists, and bigot bucks for gay-hating pizza. But while we’ve all had a good vomit-laugh at the rubes tithing to sad White Knight Deli owners, this shit has now officially gotten the fuck out of hand: Read more on This GoFundMe Sh*t Is Really Getting Out Of Hand…
  mommyblogging

Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!

Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I planned this baby I was so sad about having just a few days ago, bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks! Read more on Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!…
  Give Us Some Money

Now You Will Send Us Moneys For Your Bernie Sanders 2016 T-Shirt. No, NOW.

Oh hey Bernie Sanders, you are a socialist, and you are running for president! We have made you some T-shirts! See, you are like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, but you are not a mad scientist! You are a very sane scientist! You just have funny hair! Read more on Now You Will Send Us Moneys For Your Bernie Sanders 2016 T-Shirt. No, NOW….
  mommyblogging

How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar

Let us tell you our sex fantasies.
It’s okay to feel sorry for Josh Duggar — we as liberals know teenage boys’ brains haven’t finished developing yet, which is why we don’t like sending them to the electric chair. Liberals also know we are molded by our circumstances: He was so young (assuming — assuming — his sexcrime spree has ended). Plus, he’s got those parents, and all that sexual dysfunction, and the bizarre patriarchal bullshit, and the constant lessons that Eve (even in the form of his preteen sisters, apparently) is there to tempt him from righteousness, I mean my god. We also know that nobody is all good or all bad, except Dick Cheney. Read more on How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar…
  mommyblogging

Raise Less Corn, More Hell

Viva sandino!
Rebecca usually runs this every May Day, but she took the goddamn day off to be eight months pregnant, whatever. So now it’s a Mother’s Day post! –Evan Hurst And so today is May Day! We can have — or heave! — a cocktail for the working man. We can put on Our Marching Zapatos of Ocupado Justice! We can do lots and loads of things! But me, I’m missing mi mamacita communista. She didn’t die or anything, she just retired and moved back to Oklahoma, where they still (unaccountably) haven’t burned her for a witch. Read more on Raise Less Corn, More Hell…
  mommyblogging

Sofia Vergara’s Ex, Sherri Shepherd, Fox Doc Keith Ablow Enter Jerk-Off Contest. All Win.

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Last week, the Internet had itself a rollicking time being horrified and disgusted by some douche, Nick Loeb we guess, taking to the pages of the New York Times to explain why he’s suing for the right to take ex-fiancee Sofia Vergara’s frozen babies out of their Petri dish, plant them in a stranger’s belly, and make a happy home. Short version: but he waaaaaants them. Long version: What part of “but Nick Loeb wants them” don’t you understand? (Loeb is a rich person, and is used to getting what the fuck he would like.) Read more on Sofia Vergara’s Ex, Sherri Shepherd, Fox Doc Keith Ablow Enter Jerk-Off Contest. All Win….
  mommyblogging

Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!

Move over, Paul Anka. There is a new pro-life anthem in town, and not a minute too soon because “You’re Having My Baby” came out over 40 years ago! Let’s remind ourselves of the glory and perfection that was the song about how Paul Anka is super glad his woman did not put a coathanger to the fruit of his jism: Read more on Shut Up Paul Anka, Ben Shapiro’s Dad Has Written Greatest Pro-Life Anthem OF ALL TIME!…
  let them eat kale!

Jesus, Internet, What’s The Matter, Did Gwyneth Paltrow Bone Your Dad?

Movie star lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow has taken up the SNAP challenge — to eat only what she can afford on the $29 a week, on average, that people on food stamps receive. Did you know the Internet is VERY MAD about this? How dare this privileged princess make a mockery of hunger advocacy blah blah yortle blerp? HOW DARE YOU GWYNETH PALTROW???? Read more on Jesus, Internet, What’s The Matter, Did Gwyneth Paltrow Bone Your Dad?…