Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  is that a rifle in your pocket or are you unhappy to see us?

I Got Kicked Out Of The Militia’s Motel Room

Montana Lincoln, Montana, is barely a town, although it does have several bar-casinos, at least three motels, and the Sleepy Hollow RV camp (trailer park) where we pulled up in the rain. The Unabomber lived a few miles outside town limits specifically because the ponderosa-covered Rockies are the ends of the earth. Now, the Oath Keepers militia is here to aid and abet a fella with a beef against the government. In general, it’s the same kind of disagreement that led to Cliven Bundy aiming his rifles at the G-men who’d come to collect the fees for his grazing his cattle on federal lands. In the particular, George Kornec and Phil Nappo have a mining claim on federal land; they’ve put up a garage and a fence, and the dastardly government is pushing its weight around and being a big bully and being really terrible and stuff by telling Kornec and Nappo to take them down. Read more on I Got Kicked Out Of The Militia’s Motel Room…
  Spending Our Wonkers' Inheritances

Announcing The Wonkette Wonkebago Fall 2015 Itinerant Panhandling Tour And Quitterthon!

Gone fishin’ Remember some time ago when we ACHTUNG!ed at you and said HALP HALP THE WONKET ES BROKED and you said “Have all my money, I am high as a Bachmann”? Well, we did and boy did you ever. Then, because I have a problem with impulsiveness (see here and here), I took what was left of that most excellent grift and accidentally bought an RV — the Wonkette Wonkebago Mobile Command! — for just 120 easy payments of oh sweet jesus what have I done. Read more on Announcing The Wonkette Wonkebago Fall 2015 Itinerant Panhandling Tour And Quitterthon!…
  just mellow out the best you can okay?

Watch Jimmy Carter Laugh At His Cancer, Smileyface Emoticon Here

Our beloved former president Jimmy Carter — if you’re not from around these parts, no, we’re not joking, dick — promised to update us on the cancer doctors found in his liver, and this morning, update us he did. Melanoma has spread to his brain, and he begins chemotherapy immediately. Will that stop him from do-gooding and making America proud? Eh, probably not. He may “step back” from his duties at the Carter Center, the 90-year-old said, and do just light work like personally signing all the letters in the world and solving Iran probably too. He’s not sure how he’ll be feeling. Most importantly, he’s a living organism on this earth, and he’s very, very safe (in Jesus). Read more on Watch Jimmy Carter Laugh At His Cancer, Smileyface Emoticon Here…
  anchors away

Donald Trump Is The Greatest Constitutional Scholar, He Is Really Terrific

Trouble with Trumps Hey, you know how Donald Trump is really, really, super and terrifically dumb? Well, funny story: BOY HOWDY IS DONALD TRUMP STUPID. You know how he always has moron “experts” who tell him things like Obama is definitely a Martian, from Mars? Well, now he has “experts” who are teaching him why the Constitution is wrong when it says little brown babies born here are “citizens,” as if. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Greatest Constitutional Scholar, He Is Really Terrific…
  all the dicks that're fit to lick

Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly

Not yooge. There I was, minding everyone’s business, reading EOnline I guess. “The woman in question this time around was supermodel Heidi Klum. ‘Sometimes I do go a little bit far,’ [Donald Trump] admitted, before adding, ‘Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.'” Read more on Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly…
  mommyblogging

Why 10-Year-Olds Should Not Be Pregnant: A Wonksplainer

Go fuck yourself, Mike Huckabee This weekend, Mike Huckabee, a man who would like to be president of the United States of America, explained why it is perfectly perfect that a 10- to 11-year-old girl should be forced to bear her stepfather’s child. Oh sure, it was “sad” and all, this actual real-life baby in Paraguay who was forced to give birth to a rapist’s baby, but what can you do? (An abortion. You can do an abortion.) Kaili covered pretty well already why abortion is great and Mike Huckabee can fuck himself right in his fallopian tubes, but she didn’t really delve into what pregnancy does to a woman’s body, much less a pre-teen girl’s. Let’s rectify that, with mommyblogging! Read more on Why 10-Year-Olds Should Not Be Pregnant: A Wonksplainer…
  JIMMEH!

Raise Your Glasses High For Jimmy Carter, Wonkers, May He Live Forever

Trouble No More Jimmy Carter has liver cancer. Jimmy Carter is 90 years old. Jimmy Carter is one of the great Americans, if you count a globetrotting sense of adventure coupled with near-constant service to his nation and our earth. And he is fer fucking sure the greatest ex-president alive today. Read more on Raise Your Glasses High For Jimmy Carter, Wonkers, May He Live Forever…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  help us help you help us

Thank You For Being A Friend

These ladies were never part of the GOP base.
Comrades! Do you remember yesterday, and today, when your Wonkette was broked? The husband yelled and scared the baby. Kaili shook and trembled and PANICKED! like an undrugged sheltie on the Fourth of July. Dok and Evan took a nap. I poured liquor into a cup and searched for fundraising thermometers that looked like dicks. So pretty much a typical Wonkette day! Except for one thing: how we asked you for moneys and then you sent us FIFTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM. Read more on Thank You For Being A Friend…
  also lawyers and guns

Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER! Read more on Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money…
  it's about ethics in gay-men journalism

Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all

Last week, the media-hijinks website Gawker made a wee oopsy. It posted a story about some guy — literally, just some guy — attempting to step out on his wife with a gay porn star who then tried to blackmail our hero. (It was not, bizarrely enough, an expose of the blackmailer but of the blackmailee.) The Internet responded poorly to the outing of a private person on the word of an extortionist with mental health issues, and after so much outcry, Gawker’s board of directors took the unprecedented step of removing the post from the web. It was long after the horse was out of the boxer briefs, but you do what you can. Now all the top editors are quitting their jobs at Gawker, and also losing their shit! It’s about editorial independence! And the right to out closeted married guys! Read more on Looks Like Gawker’s Got Some Job Openings, Y’all…
  what do they call their obamaphones?

Old Man Married To Queen Calls People Spongers On Way To Cash Million-Pound Treasury Cheque

Prince Philip — best known stateside as Mr. Queen of England — is a right cock. He has a mean face, and is always yelling at people and calling them “slitty eyes,” and you get the idea based on no evidence whatsoever except watching James Cromwell play him in The Queen that he is definitely A Asshole. But in addition, Eng-lande’s No. One Welfare King also likes to make funny jokes about other people “sponging”! (“Sponging” in British is like being “a taker” who works for a living, instead of being a job creator entrepreneur, son of a governor, or member of the royal family.) You guys, Cute Britain has its very own Mitt Romney! Next, he will make fun of the cakes they like and also insult them to their faces. Er, we mean more. Read more on Old Man Married To Queen Calls People Spongers On Way To Cash Million-Pound Treasury Cheque…
  sounds better in the original german

Jeb! Bush To America: Work Makes You Free

what, me work?
Jeb! Bush said a stupid yesterday, because it was a day. And because it was Jeb! Bush, it took a page straight from the Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romneyshire playbook. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on Jeb! Bush To America: Work Makes You Free…
  mommyblogging

HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do

Hello! Come in! Come in! Sit! What can I get you? Beer? Wine? Assorted jams? NOW LOOK AT MY BABY PICTURES! Maternity leave was great, thank you for asking! In fact, I will probably take more of it once Kaili is back from her vacation doing whatever Democrats do on vacation — probably golfing in Hawaii with the king of Spain. But how did I take maternity leave when we aren’t even Swedish? Easy, I own the company hahahahaha, oh, isn’t life rich. Read more on HI YOU WANNA LOOK AT SOME WONKETTE BABY PICTURES? Shut Up Liar, Yes You Do…
  Wonkette weekend bipartisan Old Handsome Joe Biden nice time!

Watch Lindsey Graham Cry Like A Little … Oh, He’s Crying For Joe Biden. Carry On!

He makes the gays' days better. AND their nights.
Good morning, Wonkers, and happy God Loves America Best Weekend! We will not be saying many “words” at you for the next couple of days — some words here and there, maybe, with most of them being “pussy” — but wanted to bring you this lovely bipartisan Nice Time of Lindsey Graham crying like a little bitch about … Old Handsome Joe Biden being “as good a man as God ever created.” Let’s do it! Read more on Watch Lindsey Graham Cry Like A Little … Oh, He’s Crying For Joe Biden. Carry On!…
  give a dog a bone

Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay

“This is coming. And it’s coming like a tidal wave.” Tom Delay, the former Speaker Majority Leader of the House of Representatives — really, the national one! — knows a tidal wave of coming when he sees one, and the tidal wave of coming that is coming is this here “secret memo” from the Department of Justice that will legalize “the 12 perversions,” including bestiality, pedophilia, raping little boys, and like nine others, depending on whether “pedophilia” and “little boy rape” are the same perversion or, somehow, different ones. Read more on Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay…