Author Archives: Rebecca Schoenkopf

Full Name: Rebecca Schoenkopf Website:
Info: Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!
  why don't we get drunk and ... nope

Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)

Award-winning journalist (lol) Chuck C. Johnson has been promising us many SCOOPS this week! While we are still waiting on pins and needles and tenterhooks and fishbaits to find out which conservative politician’s CAREER Chuck is going to END with booby-grabbing revelations (IS IT BOB PACKWOOD????), we do have this sideways cell phone camera video of a man Chuck says is John Boehner, though there is no way to really know, come to think of it, slurring THE FUCK outta some names of some colleges. Read more on Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)…
  good luck you mean dumb kids!

Some Dude Making Bristol Palin An Honest Woman. Molotov, Bristol Palin!

We come not to bury Bristol Palin, recently affianced betrothed of some guy, but to be really happy for her. Seriously! Not even kidding! Sure, she’s dumb and mean, and her Medal of Honor-winning soldier-person guy is also kind of dumb and mean (judging by this, where he is accidentally eye-fuc-ed by his new fiancee’s mom), but we have seen the men Bristol used to put her vagina on, and we wouldn’t wish them on … Bristol Palin. Read more on Some Dude Making Bristol Palin An Honest Woman. Molotov, Bristol Palin!…
  fingerpointing blamegame

Who’s To Blame For Godly Justin Harris Dumping His ‘Demonic’ Kids? People Like You

A member of the truth-challenged community
Everybody is being pretty mean to Justin Harris, the Arkansas state representative who just wanted to help some children have a good home and family, and show them some love and tenderness and stability before he decided that since even an exorcism couldn’t make them behave, they were way too much trouble, and so he “rehomed” them with a man who rapes children. They are saying really, REALLY mean things. They are saying things like “put him in jail” and “put him in jail forever” and “what a bad father” and “he should really resign” and also things that would get them banned from the comments section several times over for “violent ideation,” so we will pretend they did not say them. Read more on Who’s To Blame For Godly Justin Harris Dumping His ‘Demonic’ Kids? People Like You…
  goin' back to indiana

Oh Good, Sydney Leathers Is Back, Still Doing Gross Sex On Democrats

step 9: buy more eye shadow
Are you lucky enough to have forgotten Sydney Leathers? One-time rising-Democratic-star Anthony Weiner isn’t! Sending dick pix to the regular gal-cum-sad porn star-cum-sexxxy dominatrix caused him to lose his House seat, become a national punchline, and … we don’t even know! Is he still alive? Well, now Sydney Leathers has ANOTHER Democratic scalp on her bedpost, because some dumb idiot state rep. from Indiana decided to dick-pic her too! Men! They are very stupid. Read more on Oh Good, Sydney Leathers Is Back, Still Doing Gross Sex On Democrats…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  shit happens

Pope: If I’m Assassinated, Eh, Screw It, YOLO!

There’s a lot of people out there who don’t love New Pope. (Yes, 17 years on or whatever, he will always be New Pope to us.) There’s the Mafia, ISIS, Rick Santorum … But say somebody actually tries to whack him, or homicide-bomb him, or drown him in the frothy mixture of feces and lubricant that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex? Read more on Pope: If I’m Assassinated, Eh, Screw It, YOLO!…
  The Christian Lawmaker And The Devil Children

Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)

Marsha and Justin Harris
  After the older of his two adopted daughters — at the mature age of six — was raped by the man to whom he had “rehomed” her, Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris (R – “God’s Kingdom”) gave a press conference today to attempt to justify it. (He did not attempt to justify the rape, by family friend Eric Francis, to whom he had turned over his two adopted daughters in late 2013; he merely attempted to justify the rest of it.) Harris started by “clarifying” that “the victims here are the children,” since the country and the Internet did not take well to his sad claim yesterday that it was he and his wife who had “suffered a severe injustice.” While the girls were “the real victims,” he back-pedaled, he and his wife had been “failed” by the Department of Human Services, which is really to blame. Read more on Kid-Dumper AR Rep Justin Harris So SO Sorry … That DHS Screwed Him And His Family (Video)…
  just shrink Dennis Quaid and stuff him right up there

Idaho Republican Asks How Do You Get Stuff In A Lady’s Vagina?

it's a baby not a robot doll
Vito Barbieri is not as stupid as you think he is. (Okay, he is probably as stupid as you think he is.) But by donning the mantle of a complete buffoon who thinks — we don’t know, that you put Sheldon Adelson’s aspirin in your vagina? — he may have actually made a point about “telemedicine,” and how you can’t use it to look in a lady’s cooter. (His point will turn out to be moot, but it IS ONE.) Read more on Idaho Republican Asks How Do You Get Stuff In A Lady’s Vagina?…
  a state without a mexican

TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle

It’s my birthday next week, and I started thinking about day trips my husband can take me on, since there will be no “Life, The Universe And Everything” parties or Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters in my immediate future. Read more on TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle…
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

Two mornings ago, our husband flagged for us a silly story about some dumb Montana derp farmer trying to outlaw “simulated” nudity. He flagged this story for one reason only: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE TRUCKNUTZ??? “Haha, poor TruckNutz,” said we, and threw it out to the hordes in the chatcave. Our executive editor, Kaili Joy Gray, wrote it up and that was that. “Dumb Montana derp farmer; simulated nudity; naked bicycle rides; the end.” Read more on How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)…
  thanks obama!

Beloved San Fran Sci-Fi Bookstore Time-Travels Three Years Into Future To Go Galt

Here is a stupid story that is dumb: Borderland Books, a sci-fi and mystery bookstore in San Francisco’s Mission District, is closing its Tardis portal (do they have portals? unclear) in March because of San Francisco’s terrible horrible (but well-intentioned!) law mandating a $15 minimum wage … in 2018. We’re not science fiction bookstore owners, but we can try to do that math, and according to us, 2018 is three years from now. And yet this dumb and terrible (but well-intentioned!) minimum wage increase is claiming its first indy bookstore scalp now. Huh! That is so weird! Read more on Beloved San Fran Sci-Fi Bookstore Time-Travels Three Years Into Future To Go Galt…
  communists in the bed

Oh No We Sexualized Elizabeth Warren All Over Your Chest!

Y’all, y’all, y’all! Your inappropriately sexualized* Professorski Elizabeth Warrenovna T-shirts are in, and we have begun mailing them to you through the USPS! Here are your links for the purchasing of the women’s T-shirts, and also the men’s, as modeled here by our husband, Shypixel, Sexy Beast. Read more on Oh No We Sexualized Elizabeth Warren All Over Your Chest!…
  fuckabee

Megyn Kelly To Mike Huckabee: We’re Just Whoring It Up All Over The Place At Fox News!

Sometimes Megyn Kelly does a thing where we don’t hate her, and then we write “Megyn Kelly did a thing and we didn’t hate her” and the commenters go URGGGH UGHHHH WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE VENGEANCIER WE HATE YOU FOR NOT HATING HER REEDUCATION CAMPS FOR MEGYN KELLY AND ALSO FOR YOUUUUU! So boring you guys. Why not appreciate when terrible people are unterrible for a second? Why not give them gentle back-pats, and then they might like their gentle back-pats, and try to get more of them, by not being Megyn Kelly once in a while? Read more on Megyn Kelly To Mike Huckabee: We’re Just Whoring It Up All Over The Place At Fox News!…
  meth is a helluva drug

Sarah Palin Yo, She Is Classy As Fuc

No, she is never ever ever leaving. Who would pay for her wigs? Sarah Palin had a busy weekend, going to Las Vegas to eye-fuc this dude, Congressional Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyers, while holding a sign telling lefty troll Michael Moore to fuc himself right in the surveyor’s marks. (His anus.) Read more on Sarah Palin Yo, She Is Classy As Fuc…
  my fellow kenyan impostor wussy dictators

Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!

There he goes murdering jobs and the oil industry again
It’s that time of year again: when your wussy liberal islamocommunofascist pals gather round the Wonkette hearth and trade googly-heart-eyes for “President” Barack (“Mom”) Obama. Will he announce Obamaphones for some and FEMA camps for the rest? Here’s fucking hoping. Read more on Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!…
  no one here gets out alive

Ass, Gas Or Grass: Which Is Sarah Palin Offering Here?

Sarah Palin’s teevee show is back! Maybe it was on last night? We do not know and we would not have put it on our eyeballs anyway. BUT! We did watch this trailer for it, because Sarah Palin is hanging her ass out like, when is she not? Anyway, it is awful. Live it with us! Read more on Ass, Gas Or Grass: Which Is Sarah Palin Offering Here?…
  mmmm pickled livers

Please Stop Trying To Poison John Boehner, It Is Very Very Rude

A country club bartender was indicted for threatening to poison and/or shoot and/or spear while garroting and drowning (yeah, we saw Lethal Weapon 4) the great and powerful Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Let’s not do that, guys! Let’s not poison or shoot or spear while garroting and drowning John Boehner, it is Rude. It is also rude to make fun of John Boehner’s endless tears of alcoholism and his pickled liver, which the preceding link did before it was updated to stop doing that, so don’t do that either hahahaha of course you’re going to. John Boehner’s pickled liver is the only thing we have in common, and is a liver we mock affectionately, knowing it is only a matter of decades before we’re having pickled livers with fava beans and a nice chianti in our own distended thoraxes, maybe, if that is where livers actually go (unsure). Read more on Please Stop Trying To Poison John Boehner, It Is Very Very Rude…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks

Mayor Bill de Blasio, he’s got a problem with the Rank and File because he won’t let them stop all the black men and pat down their genitals for being OBVIOUS CRIMERS. (Yes, we know we have a dangling genital in there. That is because it is the penises doing the crimes.) But did you know his wife, a former lesbian (never forget) went to that NYPD funeral for Officer Liu in a Fuck the NYPD t-shirt, pretty much? (No she didn’t.) Okay, well if she didn’t go to the funeral in a fetching vintage 1988 Straight Outta Compton concert tour number, she WORE JEANS. (She still didn’t.) Read more on NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks…
  poor men

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There’s this Catholic Cardinal — Raymond Cardinal Burke — and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire. How is Burke delighting us with his words today? Well, he interviews with “The New Emangelization” (not kidding) about how “radical feminists” murdered the Catholic Church. Because of course he fucking did. For his next trick, he will probably cover up some child molestations and excommunicate the entire Democratic Party. Oh wait, he already did. Read more on Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism…
  crying over you

Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?

Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean.
Every two years, all the wild-and-crazy Tea Party guys in the House GOP put on their togas and have a big awesome food fight and promise this time they’re really, really gonna get Dean Wormer, or at least INPEACH John Boehner for being a big dumb drunk RINO who only lets them shut down the government a little bit. BOO NO FUN, BOYCOTT JOHN BOEHNER, UNFAIR TO CRAZY PEOPLE! Read more on Who Will Be New House Speaker When GOP Murders John Boehner With Fire?…