Author Archives: Riley Waggaman

Full Name: Riley Waggaman Website:
Info: Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?
  it's morning in america

‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about “Osama bin Laden” being buried at sea, just hours after being “killed” by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure Osama was buried with dignity: “After Bin Laden was killed in a raid by U.S. forces in Pakistan, senior administration officials said the body would be handled according to Islamic practice and tradition. That practice calls for the body to be buried within 24 hours … The U.S. decided to bury him at sea.” Ha-ha, what, are you surprised? Don’t be! We have been robot-bombing/torturing/raping/slaughtering Muslims in accordance to Islamic practice and tradition for more than ten years. And that is why we hastily dumped “Osama bin Laden’s dead corpse” into the ocean before anyone could get a good look at him — because we respect Islam and all of its followers. (Just read that sentence a few times; let the sadness seep in.) Oh, and slightly off-topic: That pic of Dead-Laden was definitely photoshopped, according to The Telegraph. But don’t let that stop you! Add that hawt foto to your Facebook Freedom album, and then tag the shit out of it! Americans love their Kodak memories. [LAT/The Telegraph] Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’… Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’…
  goodbye humans!

Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup

It’s been an exciting week of “news,” what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card — which proves that Obama never went to Harvard — and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan’s crippled nuclear reactors are still leaking all kinds of unspeakable horrors! Even the lamestream media acknowledges that awful things such as plutonium 239 (a scary-ass isotope with a half life of 24,000 years) have been detected in places where they definitely shouldn’t be. How long do Royal Marriages last? Fifteen years, tops? Oh well. We’ll all be inbred mutants in ten years, anyway. Read more on Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup…
  it's morning in america

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy] Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably… Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably…
  it's morning in america

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill] Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department… Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department…
  it's morning in america

Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked “to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to “fire” all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that’s what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [WaPo] Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom… Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom…
  what? oh okay

Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’

Excuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more “penis”? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that relieves “back” problems? Please help us solve this gay mystery in the comments section! Read more on Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’…
  it's morning in america

Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard

Teevee’s hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama — no birdcertificate — but De Niro? He said something obvious and uncontroversial, like “Donald Trump should shut his pie-hole and die.”) That is a lot of anger! And now Trump will probably send his private investigators to RottenTomatoes.com, to give Robert lots of nasty reviews. But here’s the juiciest new Donald scoop: Obama was a lousy student, and probably cheated his way into Harvard! “I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” explained Trump. “How does a bad student [Barack Obama!] go to Columbia and then to Harvard? I’m thinking about it, I’m certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.” Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd. Meanwhile, serious journalists are wondering if Trump’s “brand” will benefit from a presidential run. Keep asking the tough questions, guys! [LAT] Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard… Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard…
  winning the future

Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad

President Obama hosted an impromptu Christian egg-thing on his lawn this morning, probably because he forgot to send out a “Happy Easter!” eCard and needed to cover his ass. Your Wonkette had the panache to attend this family event and then ask Barack Obama a mean-spirited question about an American citizen who has been held indefinitely without even being charged with an actual “crime.” We are terrible, worse than James O’Queef! Yes! And here are some of our other heavily-edited videos, which prove ACORN gave free abortions to the underage Easter bunny: Read more on Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad…
  unconfirmed

Obama Wishes Brad Manning Happy Easter At Pagan Egg Roll Shindig

“I hope you all had a wonderful Easter,” Barack Obama told his adoring crowd of pagan bunny worshipers. Does Obama hope that Bradley Manning had a wonderful Easter? That’s what we asked our War Monger President, as he walked past us. HD Blu-Ray Flip Cam footage after the jump! Read more on Obama Wishes Brad Manning Happy Easter At Pagan Egg Roll Shindig…
  it's morning in america

Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’

Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden a nuclear weapon in Europe for detonation should Osama Bin laden be captured.” Haha, Osama bin Laden had rotting kidneys, so he’s definitely already dead. (Unless of course he had a hand-held dialysis machine — an iDialysis? — that he used “on the go,” while running away from Navy SEALs in the mountain caves of Tora Bora.) Or maybe Osama bin Laden still works for the CIA? We’ll probably never know! At any rate: Gitmo is full of “drivers, farmers and chefs.” We are monsters, never forget. [BBC] Read more on Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’… Read more on Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’…
  the 9/11 of taxes

Illegal Aliens From Space (Mexico) Pay More Taxes Than G.E.

Hi friends! Just checking in to let you know that undocumented immigrants paid an estimated $11.2 billion in local taxes last year — that’s $11.2 billion more than G.E. forked over, even though General Electric is a documented corporation that makes billions and billions of dollars! (Gawd it must be so sexy being a gelatinous corporate monster that doesn’t have to pay taxes, cuz you literally own our sad, sad, sad country.) Ergo: THE BROWN TACO DEMONS WHO DON’T SPEAK AMERICAN PAY MORE TAXES THAN G.E. And so do hopeless college students who earn negative $80,000 every year, because of Sallie Mae loan scams! Even if you haven’t paid your taxes yet — we haven’t! — you have still paid more taxes than G.E., since they received a tax benefit of $3.2 billion. Ha-ha, time for another visit to the liquor store. Read more on Illegal Aliens From Space (Mexico) Pay More Taxes Than G.E….
  it's morning in america

Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election

Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady “found” 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has requested a recount, probably because Prosser is only ahead by 7,316 votes, which is 0.5 percent of the 1.5 million votes cast statewide. More liberal tricks! First Kloppenburg declared victory without even considering that some lady would find 14,000 votes a day after the election results were announced. And now this, a recount? Nobody knows how long this process will take, or how many union thugs Scott Walker will have to fire in retaliation. [Reuters] Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election… Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election…
  it's morning in america

New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’

Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she could use to transport Bradley Manning to rape prisons in the future.) Uh. Anyway, new terror alter system, guys! And now there is officially no such thing as a “Low” or “Guarded” Threat Level — these levels are not even remotely possible — since we are going to be fighting imaginary bogeymen until the Earth is gobbled up by a black hole, or a giant radioactive tsunami wipes out the federal government, or maybe both. Ha-ha. Oh crap. [NPR] Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’… Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’…
  it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…
  things you can never unsee

James O’Keefe Dances and Sings In Flamboyant YouTube Musical

For reasons which are sort of obvious, James O’Keefe donned his favorite Village People construction worker costume — the one with the assless chaps — and then sang a song about Mary Landrieu. What? “Dancing” and auto-tuned vomit starts at around 3:00. (Also, check out this video’s YouTube channel. We assume the “Favorite Videos” are all Flipcam close-ups of Andrew Breitbart’s wang? Close! One of two favorite videos is “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross.) Yup. Time to uninstall the Internet. Again. [Weigel via Wonkette operative “Luke”] Read more on James O’Keefe Dances and Sings In Flamboyant YouTube Musical…
  it's morning in america

GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)

Republican Party officials from all over the world are eager to see Donald Trump run for president, because “he’s got people fired up” and “more and more people are talking about [the thing on his head].” Polls show that voters are attracted to Donald Trump, especially since he calls non-white people “the blacks.” But that’s not all! As President, Donald Trump will use Google Maps to locate the condo in Kenya where Barack Obama was born. How is Obama supposed to compete with a populist platform like that? This news article claims Americans don’t even notice “mainstream” candidates like “Mitt Romney,” except when they see him in a Brooks Brothers catalog, modeling a pair of handsomepants. Anyway! Trump/Bachmann 2012, just as the Ancient Mexicans predicted. [AP] Read more on GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)… Read more on GOP Hacks: Donald Trump ‘Makes Our Loins Tingle’ (Paraphrase)…
  it's morning in america

Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies

Mama Sasquatch made a rare appearance in Soviet-occupied Wisconsin, where she won over the audience (mostly greedy schoolteachers and truck drivers) with lines like “Hey, folks! [Walker’s] trying to save your jobs and your pensions! Your governor did the right thing and you won! And people still have their jobs!” She had to yell these things into the microphone, because the crowd was just cold-booin’ her and banging on cowbells the entire time. (YouTube proof.) Anyway, you communists are rude! Get some manners, and then a job. During her stand-up routine, Palin claimed that Walker was “working to solve Wisconsin’s long-term budget problems so it can honor pension commitments to public workers.” Apparently she didn’t get the memo (Blackberry Sext Message) informing her that Scott Walker told Congress — on C-SPAN Live! — that union-busting saves Wisconsin $0. Nothing. Not even enough for a penny candy. Uh, Andrew Breitbart was also there. Ew. [Crooks and Liars] Read more on Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies… Read more on Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies…
  it's morning in america

Scott Walker Admits Union-Busting Bill Will Save Wisconsin Zero Dollars

Remorseless gasbag Scott Walker visited our nation’s swamp capital yesterday, and somehow found time to testify in front of Congress and strip the cherry blossoms of their collective blossoming rights. As expected, Walker wowed the crowd with all his fancy Koch-ing points, bragging that Wisconsin’s “collective bargaining reforms save local governments more than $700 million each year.” Hey bro, Dennis Kucinich has a quick question for you: how much actual “money” will Wisconsin save by stripping government workers of their collective bargaining rights? Jesus, take the wheel! “That particular part doesn’t save any,” Walker replied, not caring at all that he claimed the exact opposite only a few minutes earlier. Facts are stupid things. [ThinkProgress] Read more on Scott Walker Admits Union-Busting Bill Will Save Wisconsin Zero Dollars… Read more on Scott Walker Admits Union-Busting Bill Will Save Wisconsin Zero Dollars…
  it's morning in america

Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers

The Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations said on Wednesday that Goldman Sachs “misled investors selling mortgage-backed investments it knew would fail” and that executives from the bank had also “misled Congress in a testimony given in 2010.” And now all the thieving, lying bankers who ruined America will be sent to Bagram Fun Palace. Just kidding! The New York Times has a million-word story explaining how federal investigators tried so hard to find a way to prosecute Goldman Sachs and all the other banks, but just couldn’t! (Seriously!) According to the NYT Business Section, trying to figure out why all these white rich guys who control our government weren’t convicted of financial malfeasance is “the equivalent of determining why a dog did not bark — is anything but simple.” Ha-ha. Okay? Here is a news article about a 25-year-old mother of four who was sentenced to ten years in prison for selling $31 of weed. Why was she sent to prison? Because she stole billions of dollars and lied about it to the United States Senate. (She wasn’t friends with Henry Paulson, though!) Embarrassing. [NYT] Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers… Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers…
  it's morning in america

Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak

Hey, Hosni Mubarak is “back” — from Comaland? — and has been detained for questioning by the new and terrible Egyptian military regime (which loves murdering demonstrators and throwing helpless bloggers in jail). And now Mubarak will be forced to answer allegations of widespread corruption, abuse of authority and the killing of protesters during his reign. (“So, Mubarak, what’s the best way to kill a protester?”) Mubarak’s sons have also been taken into custody, and are being held at Tora prison in Cairo — which is where lots of former Mubarak cronies are currently imprisoned. Anyway! One violent, corrupt military junta prosecutes another. That Democratic Revolution worked out. Nothing to see here. [McClatchy] Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak… Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak…
  oh well

America About As Awful As Ever

Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom — and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on “food for children from low-income families.” Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven’t paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is — since they usually came out of Dana Perino’s tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget. Read more on America About As Awful As Ever…