Riley Waggaman
Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?
NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren
While America’s useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome and disgusting? (Ha-ha, which “they” are we talking about, again?) Here is your “no fly zone,” [...]
Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup
It’s been an exciting week of “news,” what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card — which proves that Obama never went to Harvard — and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan’s crippled nuclear reactors are still leaking all kinds of unspeakable horrors! Even the lamestream media acknowledges that awful [...]
Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably
Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal [...]
Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’
Excuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more “penis”? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that relieves “back” problems? Please help us solve this gay mystery in the comments section!
Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’
Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden [...]
Illegal Aliens From Space (Mexico) Pay More Taxes Than G.E.
Hi friends! Just checking in to let you know that undocumented immigrants paid an estimated $11.2 billion in local taxes last year — that’s $11.2 billion more than G.E. forked over, even though General Electric is a documented corporation that makes billions and billions of dollars! (Gawd it must be so sexy being a gelatinous [...]
New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’
Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It [...]
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