Riley Waggaman

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Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

Goodbye Forever! Also: No More War, Please

Hello, friends! After nearly two years of writing weird stuff on the Internet, it's time for "Intern Riley" to "cut and run." Where are we going? Who knows! At any rate: Writing for Wonkette completely transformed our life, in...

Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People

Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare...

What Is ‘America,’ Anyway?

Why did America's young people "take it to the streets" on May 1st? Were they angry about all the illegal wars? Were they frustrated because undocumented immigrants pay more taxes than our largest corporations? Perhaps all the young,...

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to "nuclear safety standards in schools." Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed!...

‘Dead Osama’ Merchandise Makes End Of America Official

Uh, what's that famous & misattributed Sinclair Lewis quote? "When fascism comes to America, it will be wearing a sexy WE GOT HIM ladies-tee, and it will have an iPhone squeezed between its voluptuous titties, so that the government...

NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren

While America's useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome...

‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about "Osama bin Laden" being buried at sea, just hours after being "killed" by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure...

Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup

It's been an exciting week of "news," what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card -- which proves that Obama never went to Harvard -- and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan's crippled nuclear...

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin' blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the...

Michelle Obama Has Three Hands

Haha, oh Barack. How can you expect us to believe that your .pdf birth certificate is genuine? Your wife has three hands.

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, "The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?" Nope! The War Department. Because when's the last time the United States...

Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for "fun," before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a...

Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’

Excuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more "penis"? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that...

Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard

Teevee's hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama -- no birdcertificate -- but De Niro? He said something obvious and...

Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad

President Obama hosted an impromptu Christian egg-thing on his lawn this morning, probably because he forgot to send out a "Happy Easter!" eCard and needed to cover his ass. Your Wonkette had the panache to attend this family event...

Obama Wishes Brad Manning Happy Easter At Pagan Egg Roll Shindig

"I hope you all had a wonderful Easter," Barack Obama told his adoring crowd of pagan bunny worshipers. Does Obama hope that Bradley Manning had a wonderful Easter? That's what we asked our War Monger President, as he walked...