Author Archives: Riley Waggaman

Full Name: Riley Waggaman Website:
Info: Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?
  important changes regarding your wonkette

Goodbye Forever! Also: No More War, Please

Hello, friends! After nearly two years of writing weird stuff on the Internet, it’s time for “Intern Riley” to “cut and run.” Where are we going? Who knows! At any rate: Writing for Wonkette completely transformed our life, in a good way, we think. We remember when Ken Layne emailed us our WordPress Login Info, when we first started at this blog, in the Summer of 2009. The password that Ken gave us was: “$ummer^666.” He ended his email with a short note. “Change your password, if you want.” We knew right away that a lot more than just a password was going to change. Anyway, Thank You! Read more on Goodbye Forever! Also: No More War, Please…
  it's morning in america

Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People

Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare money, for food? No sir, you need that money to pay for your drug test.) Anyway: “Recipients who test positive for drugs would lose their benefits for a year. If they fail a second time, they lose the benefits for three years. Parents who test positive must designate another adult to receive benefits on behalf of their children.” Sounds legit. Just another assault on poor people that will go entirely unnoticed. Pass the hobo beans! (What hobo beans? Oh, you mean this delicious drug test? Yummy in the tummy.) [McClatchy] Read more on Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People… Read more on Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People…
  trick questions

What Is ‘America,’ Anyway?

Why did America’s young people “take it to the streets” on May 1st? Were they angry about all the illegal wars? Were they frustrated because undocumented immigrants pay more taxes than our largest corporations? Perhaps all the young, patriotic Americans protested in the streets because we have “less than five percent of the world’s population, but almost a quarter of the world’s prisoners”? Or because “the richest one percent of Americans now take home almost twenty-four percent of income,” just like in a Banana Republic? Don’t be silly! America’s young people emerged from their condos to celebrate Death. Too bad Leni Riefenstahl wasn’t there with her Flip Cam. Speaking of Nazis, do you know who else died on May First? Hitler! Unfortunately we weren’t able to shoot Adolf Hitler in the head and then dump him in the ocean, for Justice — but most of the high-ranking Nazi monsters were still tried and convicted in a court of law. We probably would have killed every member of the Nazi High Command immediately without a proper trial, if they had committed the unconscionable act of murdering 3,000 people. Read more on What Is ‘America,’ Anyway?…
  it's morning in america

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian] Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation… Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation…
  sex fear violence repeat forever

‘Dead Osama’ Merchandise Makes End Of America Official

Uh, what’s that famous & misattributed Sinclair Lewis quote? “When fascism comes to America, it will be wearing a sexy WE GOT HIM ladies-tee, and it will have an iPhone squeezed between its voluptuous titties, so that the government will always know where it is.” Anyway! Now all you war-mongering yuppie mongrels can purchase “Osama’s Dead” t-shirts for your dogs, so that they can have something fancy to wear at the “dog park” whilst you pleasure each other with freedom-dome in the bushes, or wherever. If Joe Goebbels were alive, he would be masturbating so furiously right now that his dick would catch fire from all the violent friction. Read more on ‘Dead Osama’ Merchandise Makes End Of America Official…
  it's morning in america

NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren

While America’s useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome and disgusting? (Ha-ha, which “they” are we talking about, again?) Here is your “no fly zone,” neoliberal freaks: “NATO bombed Gaddafi’s family compound in an attack officials said killed the leader’s second youngest son and three grandchildren, ages six months to two years.” Wow, we showed those infants? In a different but equally “winning” maneuver, NATO decimated the Libyan Down’s Syndrome Society, which “prepares children with Down’s Syndrome up to the age of 6 to go to normal schools, giving them speech therapy, handicrafts and sports sessions and teaching them to read and write.” And the Internet is outraged! In fact, Papa John’s just announced on Twitter that they’ve “taken steps to make sure [their] advertising doesn’t appear on NATO’s website in the future.” It’s nice to know that people really care. [The Guardian/Reuters] Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren… Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren…
  it's morning in america

‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about “Osama bin Laden” being buried at sea, just hours after being “killed” by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure Osama was buried with dignity: “After Bin Laden was killed in a raid by U.S. forces in Pakistan, senior administration officials said the body would be handled according to Islamic practice and tradition. That practice calls for the body to be buried within 24 hours … The U.S. decided to bury him at sea.” Ha-ha, what, are you surprised? Don’t be! We have been robot-bombing/torturing/raping/slaughtering Muslims in accordance to Islamic practice and tradition for more than ten years. And that is why we hastily dumped “Osama bin Laden’s dead corpse” into the ocean before anyone could get a good look at him — because we respect Islam and all of its followers. (Just read that sentence a few times; let the sadness seep in.) Oh, and slightly off-topic: That pic of Dead-Laden was definitely photoshopped, according to The Telegraph. But don’t let that stop you! Add that hawt foto to your Facebook Freedom album, and then tag the shit out of it! Americans love their Kodak memories. [LAT/The Telegraph] Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’… Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’…
  goodbye humans!

Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup

It’s been an exciting week of “news,” what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card — which proves that Obama never went to Harvard — and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan’s crippled nuclear reactors are still leaking all kinds of unspeakable horrors! Even the lamestream media acknowledges that awful things such as plutonium 239 (a scary-ass isotope with a half life of 24,000 years) have been detected in places where they definitely shouldn’t be. How long do Royal Marriages last? Fifteen years, tops? Oh well. We’ll all be inbred mutants in ten years, anyway. Read more on Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup…
  it's morning in america

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy] Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably… Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably…
  it's morning in america

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill] Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department… Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department…
  it's morning in america

Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked “to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to “fire” all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that’s what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [WaPo] Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom… Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom…
  what? oh okay

Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’

Excuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more “penis”? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that relieves “back” problems? Please help us solve this gay mystery in the comments section! Read more on Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’…
  it's morning in america

Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard

Teevee’s hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama — no birdcertificate — but De Niro? He said something obvious and uncontroversial, like “Donald Trump should shut his pie-hole and die.”) That is a lot of anger! And now Trump will probably send his private investigators to RottenTomatoes.com, to give Robert lots of nasty reviews. But here’s the juiciest new Donald scoop: Obama was a lousy student, and probably cheated his way into Harvard! “I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” explained Trump. “How does a bad student [Barack Obama!] go to Columbia and then to Harvard? I’m thinking about it, I’m certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.” Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd. Meanwhile, serious journalists are wondering if Trump’s “brand” will benefit from a presidential run. Keep asking the tough questions, guys! [LAT] Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard… Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard…
  winning the future

Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad

President Obama hosted an impromptu Christian egg-thing on his lawn this morning, probably because he forgot to send out a “Happy Easter!” eCard and needed to cover his ass. Your Wonkette had the panache to attend this family event and then ask Barack Obama a mean-spirited question about an American citizen who has been held indefinitely without even being charged with an actual “crime.” We are terrible, worse than James O’Queef! Yes! And here are some of our other heavily-edited videos, which prove ACORN gave free abortions to the underage Easter bunny: Read more on Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad…
  unconfirmed

Obama Wishes Brad Manning Happy Easter At Pagan Egg Roll Shindig

“I hope you all had a wonderful Easter,” Barack Obama told his adoring crowd of pagan bunny worshipers. Does Obama hope that Bradley Manning had a wonderful Easter? That’s what we asked our War Monger President, as he walked past us. HD Blu-Ray Flip Cam footage after the jump! Read more on Obama Wishes Brad Manning Happy Easter At Pagan Egg Roll Shindig…