Author Archives: Rich Abdill

  states in which it is not great to be gay

Tennessee Legislators Stand Up For Sad, Gay-Hating Therapists

Are you in graduate school to get a counseling degree? Are you a Christian? Do you hate having to talk to sluts and gays? Well you are in luck! The Tennessee state legislature is standing up for your religious freedom to be as bigoted in your professional life as you are in your private one! Indeed, apparently counseling graduate students all over the place are being presented with therapy clients living lifestyles the graduate students disapprove of — people like Michigan hero Julea Ward, who not only spells her name stupidly but was also booted from Eastern Michigan University for, according to The Tennessean, “refusing to counsel gay clients or clients who were sexually active but not married.” Who will protect the Julea Wards of the world?! Yes! Tennessee! Thank you. Read more on Tennessee Legislators Stand Up For Sad, Gay-Hating Therapists…
  episode iv: a new pope

It Is Time For Pope Francis To Release His (Or Her) Birth Certificate, Whatever, Who Can Ever Possibly Know?

Congratulations are in order to Jorge Bergoglio, who was elected pope of the world yesterday. It’s a little shady how he collected enough votes, and maybe there was some voter fraud among the cardinals, but Bergoglio is the one, no denying that. What we can deny, however, is that he is eligible. Maybe he is, sure, but do we really know? Does he even speak English? WE HAVE NO IDEA. What is he hiding? ¿Qué se esconde? According to people who actually study canon law (yes that is a thing shutup), a technically valid candidate is any baptized male who is both physically and mentally capable of doing pope stuff. The Catholic lapdog lamestream media has refrained from asking the tough questions, of course, but one in particular needs to be asked: Is Jorge Bergoglio a male? Read more on It Is Time For Pope Francis To Release His (Or Her) Birth Certificate, Whatever, Who Can Ever Possibly Know?…
  finally found a job creator

Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions

We have been so very concerned for our dear friend Willard, who has lost too many elections now to be able to keep trying not to lose them. Where would he go? What would he do? A man’s gotta eat, and when you can only scrape together $13.7 million a year by continuing to exist, you need a second stream of income. Who was in the market for an aging man who’s been unemployed since 2007 and has a history of Vulcan-gripping rappers on airplanes? His son! Read more on Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions…
  we can take the circus all the way to the border

Arkansas Limits Abortions To Six Or Seven Minutes After Conception

Existing abortion rulings — including that big shiny one from the Supreme Court — make it pretty clear: Women have a right to abortion access in the period before the child is viable outside the womb. Unable to push time restrictions back much further than around 20 weeks, anti-abortion legislators have instead resorted to other restrictions, like ultrasounding innocent women indiscriminately and making doctors explain the abortion procedure in iambic pentameter standing on one foot with Pantera playing in the background. Last week, the Arkansas state legislature limited abortions to that 20-week line, ostensibly because that’s when a fetus can feel pain, even if that’s not true at all. But that wasn’t good enough! They wanted to do more. But instead of passing an arbitrary law mandating all examination tables be made of ice cream, they did something that no one was counting on: They passed a law that is totally, clearly, stupidly, unconstitutional. Read more on Arkansas Limits Abortions To Six Or Seven Minutes After Conception…
  he must have some kind of diaper

In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee

Hey! Check out C-SPAN2! Sen. Rand Paul has been talking, without pause, since 1997, and today he accidentally wandered in front of a microphone, and now the Senate can’t vote on John Brennan becoming CIA director! After 115 cloture motions in the 112th Congress (not including that time Mitch McConnell filibustered… himself), we finally get to see an actual filibuster! Where people are talking! (Obligatory fist-bump to Bernie Sanders, who did this rigamarole in 2010, but we have had a LOT of bull-pucky procedural filibusters since then.) Read more on In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee…
  Lies From the Pit Of Hell

LifeNews Finally Proves Link Between Abortion And Breast Cancer (By Making It Up)

LifeNews.com is a pretty cool website, at least for the people who say “pro-life” instead of “anti-abortion.” It brings together all the news that makes abortion look like it is not only killing full-grown toddlers, but their mothers and families and probably priests too. It’s the go-to place to see the abortion narratives in the media challenged, at least whenever the narrative happens to make abortion look awful. So when we saw the headline “Abortion Helps Cause 90% Increase in Breast Cancers in 33 Years,” we were all like, oooooooh and whoaaa, and we totally clicked on that shit. What was this news?! This study gives a potent new weapon to abortion opponents! HA! Just kidding! It is exactly the opposite. Read more on LifeNews Finally Proves Link Between Abortion And Breast Cancer (By Making It Up)…
  oppressing the straights

All Logic And Reason Still Says Gay Marriage Is Gross

We thought maybe it was time for a quick reminder about the whole “gay marriage” issue, as it’s been a while since somebody said something hyperbolic about it, and we were worried that perhaps you’d forgotten how horrible gay marriage was, and about how letting two people fill out some legal paperwork is the exact same thing as getting in a time machine, traveling back to Canterbury 1170, and personally sword-murdering Thomas Becket. Luckily, some radio geniuses have helped us out, and we can bring you, in technicolor pixels, their prophetic radio ramblings. Read more on All Logic And Reason Still Says Gay Marriage Is Gross…
  time for a bloggers ethics panel

Heroic Right Wing Columnists Taking Malaysian Bribe Money, Is That Not OK?

When Buzzfeed tells you that a “covert Malaysian campaign touched a wide range Of American media,” do not go thinking it is actually a “wide range.” The covert campaign touched a cabal of flag-waving right-wing columnists who, it seems, are so pumped about the free market that they are willing to just take money in exchange for their integrity. Turns out the ginger nightmare known as “conservative pundit” Josh Trevino has been moonlighting as a bagman for the Malaysian government and its “campaign against a pro-democracy figure there,” according to a scoopy-scoop from Buzzfeed, which took a break from cat pictures and listicles to punch a bunch of commentators square in the willy. To think, we have been trying to solicit bribes from the Syrians, and the Malaysians were paying this whole time! Read more on Heroic Right Wing Columnists Taking Malaysian Bribe Money, Is That Not OK?…
  it ain't racist if people think it's true

Bloomberg Businessweek: Why Are All These Colored People Wrecking Everything Again?

Have you heard the news? The housing crisis is over! Instead, minorities are rolling around in houses full of cash. It is craziness! This must be the case, because it’s all over the cover of Businessweek, and they have never had an inappropriate cover before. What are these crazy Individuals Of Color doing with all that money? They are only going to mess everything up again! Look at the barefoot black man with the fistful of dollars and the crazed look in his eye — you think he’s going to be spending that wisely? How about the weird black lady drooling into a cereal bowl upstairs? “What could possibly go wrong?” it says, and we believe it! Everybody knows minorities caused the last housing bubble, with their whole “believing banks who were intentionally screwing them” and all. Now they have cash by the houseful, and they are going to do it again! Say it ain’t so. Read more on Bloomberg Businessweek: Why Are All These Colored People Wrecking Everything Again?…
  it was those other guys or something

U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time

Almost 650,000 Haitians have contracted cholera since a giant earthquake struck the island in 2010. This is kind of a weird thing to have happened, since cholera is caused by a bacterium called Vibrio cholerae and not by being shaken around a lot and watching your house fall down. Cholera wasn’t a widespread problem in Haiti before October 2010, so where did it come from? Who gave Haiti a case of the runs so bad that THEY DIE? Well, according to a study and another study and a third study and Bill Clinton, it was the United Nations. But don’t worry! The United Nations has decided the United Nations has diplomatic immunity, according to a policy written by the United Nations. Phew. Read more on U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time…
  just making things up

Genius-Doctor Indiana Republicans Approve Religion-Based Ultrasounds, How Nice Of Them

You’ve heard of RU-486, right? It’s that pill women can take that induces an abortion without anyone having to perform surgery. It’s way safer than surgical abortion (and pregnancy), and it doesn’t require any fancy surgical rooms to administer. It’s a good way to make abortions available in places where surgical ones, for whatever reason, are impractical. This, logically, makes Republicans very mad. The ones in Indiana are so mad, in fact, that if you try to get this legal, FDA-approved medication, they will put a stick in your hoo-ha! Read more on Genius-Doctor Indiana Republicans Approve Religion-Based Ultrasounds, How Nice Of Them…
  "morally straight" means get the hell out

Your Annotated Guide To Tony Perkins Wanting To Sacrifice Gay Boy Scouts

Yes, in case you didn’t know, Your Wonkette is indeed subscribed to receive emails from the Family Research Council — how else would we figure out the appropriate talking points to justify our medieval notions of a chaste society where God rules all and sluts are flogged? Usually, it is just some nonsense about how Obama’s universal preschool proposal is bad because the real problem with kids is single mothers. Yesterday, though, we got a really good one! It is about letting gays into the Boy Scouts, because apparently people are still really into that issue, and it is so impressive because there are just so very many euphemisms for “fuck those kids, they’re weird.” We would like to take a stroll with you, through this email, to appreciate its wondrous, dissembling platitudes! Read more on Your Annotated Guide To Tony Perkins Wanting To Sacrifice Gay Boy Scouts…
  everything on the internet is true

Groggy Old Mitch McConnell Bothering Pentagon About Nonsense Again

Mitch McConnell was a busy guy back on Nov. 14 — it was the day of the first Benghazi briefing, for one, and it was also the day he happened to be re-elected Senate minority leader. Amid all this excitement, however, he also sent a letter to the Pentagon’s congressional liaison, asking about a very troubling news report a constituent sent him for verification, because apparently people do that, still, and they are actually paid attention to! Cool. What was this thing McConnell (OK, an aide) needed to know about, from the people in the official Pentagon? He had heard that the Guantanamo prisoners were allowed to get benefits through the GI Bill, and that this story was real, and not in any way a joke, from a website exclusively full of jokes. Read more on Groggy Old Mitch McConnell Bothering Pentagon About Nonsense Again…
  get a (pro-) life

Anti-Abortion Guy So Mad Strangers In His House Did Not Agree With Him

Outrage! Deceit! The president is somehow involved! Abortion is terrible! Recognize the themes? That’s right, it’s the Daily Caller! They are so mad — so mad, guys — that some communist, baby-killing organization called NARAL filmed an anti-abortion activist discussing his views… and then showed people that footage. BRACE YOURSELVES. It all started, you see, back when communications firm GMMB — which, it should definitely be noted, is “a consulting firm linked to President Barack Obama” — contacted 24-year-old Mark Earley Jr. and asked if they could interview him about his views on abortion: Read more on Anti-Abortion Guy So Mad Strangers In His House Did Not Agree With Him…
  things that are at least questionable

Former Sen. Pete Domenici Loves Secrets, Hates Contraceptives

It’s a common workplace hazard: You spend enough time with a group of people, eventually you’re going to want to sex one of them. It’s a trap former New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici fell into back in 1977, but, because the Senate was made up entirely of men at the time, Domenici had to settle for sexing a senator’s daughter. One thing led to another, and now he has a 35-year-old son that nobody was supposed to know about, but it’s complicated, and we need someone to please just tell us who to be outraged at so we can get this over with and move on to the next stupid thing. Read more on Former Sen. Pete Domenici Loves Secrets, Hates Contraceptives…
  wonkette poetry corner

Sequestration Approaches, Utah Senator Mike Lee Writes Nice Poem

The Senate’s got a lot of stuff going on: There’s the straw man climate legislation coming later this week, solving the entire sequestration problem in the next two weeks, gun control, the Hagel confirmation and its pseudo-filibuster, the John Brennan confirmation and its threatened pseudo-filibuster, you get the idea — there’s a lot on the Senate’s plate, even outside of the things we hear about on the news all the time. In this time of great urgency, Utah Senator Mike Lee has taken upon himself another duty: He wrote a poem, about an aide, that he then read on the Senate floor. Read more on Sequestration Approaches, Utah Senator Mike Lee Writes Nice Poem…
  they got money for wars but can't feed the poor

Marco Rubio Champions The Downtrodden, Opposes Paying Them

Some people, for some reason, got it in their heads that the Republican Party was the party that looked out for rich folks, the party that was ideologically opposed to helping the less fortunate so it could grant new privileges to “job creators.” For some reason, nobody can really remember why, like, 47 percent of the country got really peeved at the GOP, for not having its best interests at heart. But all that has changed now! We have a new Republican Party, one that is supposed to be nice to minorities and poors, led by the beautiful square face of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who cares so much about the fate of the have-nots that he doesn’t think the government should even bother making sure they’re being paid a living wage. Read more on Marco Rubio Champions The Downtrodden, Opposes Paying Them…
  i have not yet begun to fight i do not know how

South Carolina Legislator Forming Militia Immune To Federal Law, What Could Go Wrong

Take note, all you people planning on invading South Carolina: They are going to be ready, and they will ignore hypothetical federal laws to do it. A subcommittee in the South Carolina State Senate has just passed a bill onto the general committee that defines “the duties and responsibilities of the South Carolina Unorganized Militia,” which does not sound like the most imposing fighting force ever assembled, but will have tons of guns nonetheless. Read more on South Carolina Legislator Forming Militia Immune To Federal Law, What Could Go Wrong…
  egregious breaches of ethics

Justice Sonia Sotomayor Personally Selling Pepsi To Dying Fat Kids, Yalies Outraged

Now that the New York Times is done carrying water for the CIA, it has plenty of man-power to commit to other pressing matters, like how Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is attending a conference for Yale alumnae, and there are — at minimum — two people who are kind of mad about it. PepsiCo is sponsoring a conference in April for women who attended Yale, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, a graduate of Yale Law School, is scheduled to make remarks Ok… to the dismay of some alumni. Oh! Here is the conflict. Explain it to us, por favor: Read more on Justice Sonia Sotomayor Personally Selling Pepsi To Dying Fat Kids, Yalies Outraged…
  the new testament is too progressive

Alabama State Senator Basing Abortion Legislation On Old-Timey Bible Songs

There’s been a lot of talk about the Constitution lately — we must all defend it, you know, even the kids. We have a constitutional right to guns, for example, so anyone suggesting laws against rocket launchers is a tool of the devil, or at least of the Kenyan in the White House. However, when it comes to the constitutional right to abortions (which TOTALLY EXISTS until Zombie Mitt Romney triumphantly returns to repeal Roe v. Wade), we are much more flexible. Take Alabama State Sen. Shadrack McGill, for example: He is pulling for a fetal personhood bill in Alabama, so everybody will know that anything that comes NEAR a uterus is technically a baby. McGill is so flexible with respecting the Supreme Court’s ruling that he is willing to blabber on about birds and the Book of Psalms rather than come up with a cogent reasoning for his nonsense. Read more on Alabama State Senator Basing Abortion Legislation On Old-Timey Bible Songs…
  good for bloggers bad for everyone else

Rep. Paul Broun Not Content With Making House GOP Look Dumb, Will Run For Senate Instead

The wait is over! After weeks of breathless anticipation (and one titillating Twitter rumor), Georgia Rep. Paul Broun has announced he is running for United States Senate, after an illustrious, storied career in the House that has lasted all of five years, and a chunk of a sixth. While everybody else is focusing on which Republican dunderhead will run for the vacated seat up in Massachusetts, speculation has been quietly brewing over who will run for the open seat of Sen. Saxby “Map Genius” Chambliss. And right now, our hero Broun is the only one in the running! Read more on Rep. Paul Broun Not Content With Making House GOP Look Dumb, Will Run For Senate Instead…
  random experts from the internet

Fox ‘Comedian’ Steven Crowder, Married For 45 Minutes, Would Like To Give You Marriage Advice

Brace yourselves, men of the internet — you are about to be told to “grow up” by a dude who shoves people and then cries when one punches him in the face. Yes, it is Fox News person Steven Crowder, he of the taking candy from children video, which was hilarious. He got married back in August, you see, and now that it has been five or six whole months he is ready to tell us how balls-out awesome it is, and how immature us men are being for not getting married. And, because listicles are all the rage with the kiddos these days, it’s called “A man’s top 5 reasons to grow up and get married.” Women, you do not really have a say in this one, sorry, back to the cookie-baking. Read more on Fox ‘Comedian’ Steven Crowder, Married For 45 Minutes, Would Like To Give You Marriage Advice…