Author Archives: Rich Abdill

  the war on the war on terror

A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention

The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his eternal imprisonment for not doing a bad thing, whatever the bad thing was, because he has never been charged with anything. When Alice Paul does it in Occoquan, we give her a halo and put her in a Hilary Swank movie. When scary Muslim strangers do it, we say, “Welp, his fault for looking like a terrorist.” And by “we” your Wonkette means the fart goblins who have taken to the New York Times comment section on the column to whine about how this man deserves to rot forever, for the crime of being sent to Guantanamo Bay. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention…
  first they came for the polluters

Hero Wyoming Judge Defends Privacy Of Oppressed Corporate Ground-Poisoners

It’s a situation that’s happened before, but it’s aggravating every time it happens: There are some environmental groups in Wyoming who requested documents about fracking from the state’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, see, and state officials and courts and the governor and everybody have gotten into a contest over who can dive on top of the natural gas companies first, to protect them from the evil interests of “everyone who lives in Wyoming.” The groups wanted lists of the chemicals used in the fracking process, claiming something about how it’s “in everybody’s water” and “nobody can pee anymore” or whatever, standard hippie shit. You will be happy to know, however, that these lists were NOT released, no sir, because they are seeeecrets. Read more on Hero Wyoming Judge Defends Privacy Of Oppressed Corporate Ground-Poisoners…
  straw-child arguments

Gay Marriage Killing Straight Parents Everywhere, Quick, Someone Save The Children

The Supreme Court yesterday heard oral arguments in Hollingsworth v. Perry, the Prop 8 gay marriage case. It was to be an intriguing day for observers of the anti-gay movement, because when you go before the Supreme Court, you are not allowed to use arguments like “gays are gross” and “Jesus does not like this,” on account of those are not really legal arguments for anything. How would they justify the ban? Oh, the suspense! As it turns out, “the essential thrust” of the anti-marriage argument was some nonsense about procreation, which was not really very interesting to us folks soaking up the last nonsensical defenses of blatant discrimination before they all get shuffled out of the courts and into annoying message boards where they belong. But an argument outside the court, made by the Family Research Council at the “March for Marriage,” was far more interesting: Gay marriage, you see, is ripping parents away from children! Why isn’t anybody considering the children?! You just want them to be raised by, who, gays? Yeah, right. Read more on Gay Marriage Killing Straight Parents Everywhere, Quick, Someone Save The Children…
  carry on my gayward son

Hero Sen. Rob Portman Courageously Endorses Equal Rights For His Family Members

A Republican did a good thing today, guys. In a story that came out mere moments after midnight, it was revealed that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman is now in favor of gay marriage. It’s true! He didn’t always feel that way, but he’s been thinking a lot, and talking to a lot of folks, and now he thinks it’s about time we stopped with all the nonsense discrimination. It’s a big deal! We should get a cake to celebrate. How much icing do you think it would take to spell out “Fuck that guy”? Read more on Hero Sen. Rob Portman Courageously Endorses Equal Rights For His Family Members…
  math is for homos

Conservatives Still Unskewing Polls With Super-Smart Anti-Gay Math

As you found out a few weeks ago, we are on the Family Research Council’s mailing list. And as we found out yesterday, they are still doing that fun thing where they can look at polls and say, “Nah, that’s not the real thing that is real, we are going to make one up.” We found this out because they sent us an email! This particular skewed-up poll is from Quinnipiac University, which last week released poll results showing 54 percent of Catholic voters support gay marriage. But there are still many Catholics who do not agree with that, you see, and they are CONVINCED they are right, so there must not be people who feel otherwise. Let the spin… begin. Read more on Conservatives Still Unskewing Polls With Super-Smart Anti-Gay Math…
  sideboob also too

What Do You Mean Connecticut’s ‘Women’s Day’ Isn’t About Boobs?

Yesterday was Connecticut’s “Women’s Day at the Capitol,” an annual get-together in which entire office buildings are full of women. This is a great thing to do — it’s an exciting day of discussion and learning, sure, but who really cares about that? It’s great because — did you know? — all those women… have boobs. Read more on What Do You Mean Connecticut’s ‘Women’s Day’ Isn’t About Boobs?…
  states in which it is not great to be gay

Tennessee Legislators Stand Up For Sad, Gay-Hating Therapists

Are you in graduate school to get a counseling degree? Are you a Christian? Do you hate having to talk to sluts and gays? Well you are in luck! The Tennessee state legislature is standing up for your religious freedom to be as bigoted in your professional life as you are in your private one! Indeed, apparently counseling graduate students all over the place are being presented with therapy clients living lifestyles the graduate students disapprove of — people like Michigan hero Julea Ward, who not only spells her name stupidly but was also booted from Eastern Michigan University for, according to The Tennessean, “refusing to counsel gay clients or clients who were sexually active but not married.” Who will protect the Julea Wards of the world?! Yes! Tennessee! Thank you. Read more on Tennessee Legislators Stand Up For Sad, Gay-Hating Therapists…
  episode iv: a new pope

It Is Time For Pope Francis To Release His (Or Her) Birth Certificate, Whatever, Who Can Ever Possibly Know?

Congratulations are in order to Jorge Bergoglio, who was elected pope of the world yesterday. It’s a little shady how he collected enough votes, and maybe there was some voter fraud among the cardinals, but Bergoglio is the one, no denying that. What we can deny, however, is that he is eligible. Maybe he is, sure, but do we really know? Does he even speak English? WE HAVE NO IDEA. What is he hiding? ¿Qué se esconde? According to people who actually study canon law (yes that is a thing shutup), a technically valid candidate is any baptized male who is both physically and mentally capable of doing pope stuff. The Catholic lapdog lamestream media has refrained from asking the tough questions, of course, but one in particular needs to be asked: Is Jorge Bergoglio a male? Read more on It Is Time For Pope Francis To Release His (Or Her) Birth Certificate, Whatever, Who Can Ever Possibly Know?…
  finally found a job creator

Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions

We have been so very concerned for our dear friend Willard, who has lost too many elections now to be able to keep trying not to lose them. Where would he go? What would he do? A man’s gotta eat, and when you can only scrape together $13.7 million a year by continuing to exist, you need a second stream of income. Who was in the market for an aging man who’s been unemployed since 2007 and has a history of Vulcan-gripping rappers on airplanes? His son! Read more on Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions…
  we can take the circus all the way to the border

Arkansas Limits Abortions To Six Or Seven Minutes After Conception

Existing abortion rulings — including that big shiny one from the Supreme Court — make it pretty clear: Women have a right to abortion access in the period before the child is viable outside the womb. Unable to push time restrictions back much further than around 20 weeks, anti-abortion legislators have instead resorted to other restrictions, like ultrasounding innocent women indiscriminately and making doctors explain the abortion procedure in iambic pentameter standing on one foot with Pantera playing in the background. Last week, the Arkansas state legislature limited abortions to that 20-week line, ostensibly because that’s when a fetus can feel pain, even if that’s not true at all. But that wasn’t good enough! They wanted to do more. But instead of passing an arbitrary law mandating all examination tables be made of ice cream, they did something that no one was counting on: They passed a law that is totally, clearly, stupidly, unconstitutional. Read more on Arkansas Limits Abortions To Six Or Seven Minutes After Conception…
  he must have some kind of diaper

In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee

Hey! Check out C-SPAN2! Sen. Rand Paul has been talking, without pause, since 1997, and today he accidentally wandered in front of a microphone, and now the Senate can’t vote on John Brennan becoming CIA director! After 115 cloture motions in the 112th Congress (not including that time Mitch McConnell filibustered… himself), we finally get to see an actual filibuster! Where people are talking! (Obligatory fist-bump to Bernie Sanders, who did this rigamarole in 2010, but we have had a LOT of bull-pucky procedural filibusters since then.) Read more on In Which We Wait For Rand Paul To Have To Pee…
  Lies From the Pit Of Hell

LifeNews Finally Proves Link Between Abortion And Breast Cancer (By Making It Up)

LifeNews.com is a pretty cool website, at least for the people who say “pro-life” instead of “anti-abortion.” It brings together all the news that makes abortion look like it is not only killing full-grown toddlers, but their mothers and families and probably priests too. It’s the go-to place to see the abortion narratives in the media challenged, at least whenever the narrative happens to make abortion look awful. So when we saw the headline “Abortion Helps Cause 90% Increase in Breast Cancers in 33 Years,” we were all like, oooooooh and whoaaa, and we totally clicked on that shit. What was this news?! This study gives a potent new weapon to abortion opponents! HA! Just kidding! It is exactly the opposite. Read more on LifeNews Finally Proves Link Between Abortion And Breast Cancer (By Making It Up)…
  oppressing the straights

All Logic And Reason Still Says Gay Marriage Is Gross

We thought maybe it was time for a quick reminder about the whole “gay marriage” issue, as it’s been a while since somebody said something hyperbolic about it, and we were worried that perhaps you’d forgotten how horrible gay marriage was, and about how letting two people fill out some legal paperwork is the exact same thing as getting in a time machine, traveling back to Canterbury 1170, and personally sword-murdering Thomas Becket. Luckily, some radio geniuses have helped us out, and we can bring you, in technicolor pixels, their prophetic radio ramblings. Read more on All Logic And Reason Still Says Gay Marriage Is Gross…
  time for a bloggers ethics panel

Heroic Right Wing Columnists Taking Malaysian Bribe Money, Is That Not OK?

When Buzzfeed tells you that a “covert Malaysian campaign touched a wide range Of American media,” do not go thinking it is actually a “wide range.” The covert campaign touched a cabal of flag-waving right-wing columnists who, it seems, are so pumped about the free market that they are willing to just take money in exchange for their integrity. Turns out the ginger nightmare known as “conservative pundit” Josh Trevino has been moonlighting as a bagman for the Malaysian government and its “campaign against a pro-democracy figure there,” according to a scoopy-scoop from Buzzfeed, which took a break from cat pictures and listicles to punch a bunch of commentators square in the willy. To think, we have been trying to solicit bribes from the Syrians, and the Malaysians were paying this whole time! Read more on Heroic Right Wing Columnists Taking Malaysian Bribe Money, Is That Not OK?…
  it ain't racist if people think it's true

Bloomberg Businessweek: Why Are All These Colored People Wrecking Everything Again?

Have you heard the news? The housing crisis is over! Instead, minorities are rolling around in houses full of cash. It is craziness! This must be the case, because it’s all over the cover of Businessweek, and they have never had an inappropriate cover before. What are these crazy Individuals Of Color doing with all that money? They are only going to mess everything up again! Look at the barefoot black man with the fistful of dollars and the crazed look in his eye — you think he’s going to be spending that wisely? How about the weird black lady drooling into a cereal bowl upstairs? “What could possibly go wrong?” it says, and we believe it! Everybody knows minorities caused the last housing bubble, with their whole “believing banks who were intentionally screwing them” and all. Now they have cash by the houseful, and they are going to do it again! Say it ain’t so. Read more on Bloomberg Businessweek: Why Are All These Colored People Wrecking Everything Again?…
  it was those other guys or something

U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time

Almost 650,000 Haitians have contracted cholera since a giant earthquake struck the island in 2010. This is kind of a weird thing to have happened, since cholera is caused by a bacterium called Vibrio cholerae and not by being shaken around a lot and watching your house fall down. Cholera wasn’t a widespread problem in Haiti before October 2010, so where did it come from? Who gave Haiti a case of the runs so bad that THEY DIE? Well, according to a study and another study and a third study and Bill Clinton, it was the United Nations. But don’t worry! The United Nations has decided the United Nations has diplomatic immunity, according to a policy written by the United Nations. Phew. Read more on U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time…