Author Archives: Rich Abdill

  sochi 2014: the grindr games

Pat Buchanan: When Will The Gays Stop Oppressing Putin?

Are you mad at Russia for doing this whole “arrest anybody who might like gay people” thing? Well then Pat Buchanan is mad at you. Probably. We can’t really tell, but he wrote some kind of opinion piece about it where he’s mad at Jay Leno for saying Russian “homosexual propaganda” laws sounded like Hitler-talk, or something. If someone translates the column into English, we will know for sure, but otherwise we will have to muddle through with whatever it is Mr. Buchanan has farted out. “Medieval,” howled The Washington Post. “Mr. Putin’s war” on gays and lesbians is “part and parcel of his lapse into xenophobia, religious chauvinism and general intolerance.” … Our moral and cultural elites have put Putin on notice: Get in step with us on homosexual rights — or we may just boycott your Sochi games. What this reveals is the distance America has traveled, morally and culturally, in a few short years, and our amnesia about who we Americans once were, and what it is we once believed. We shouldn’t be mad at Russia for being anti-gay, you see, because back in the good ol’ days, we were anti-gay too! Read more on Pat Buchanan: When Will The Gays Stop Oppressing Putin?…
  275 is the loneliest number

The Daily Caller Has Conquered All The Internets, Bow Before The Daily Caller (Update)

Update/Correction: A couple of emails to the Wonkette tipline have pointed out that, in our lust for mathematical slobberknockery, we got a couple of things DEAD WRONG in this story. We mislabeled the first two charts in our piece, which we said showed flat readership stats at Daily Caller. These charts, copied from the DC post, actually show flat readership at Politico, and the text in the DC article says so. It was sloppy reading and editing on our part, and we apologize for the error. Even so, our final graph comparing the two sites is correct, and accurately shows the Daily Caller has done nothing that could even accidentally be interpreted as “surging” any time in the past year. The Daily Caller must have been doing some pretty crazy yoga moves lately, because Sunday night, at exactly 8:07 p.m., they managed to successfully give themselves a blowjob. “Daily Caller blazes past Politico in web traffic; leaves other establishment, liberal sites in rearview mirror.” That was the headline. Apparently “DAILY CALLER CONQUERS WORLD, LIBERALS DIE ALL ALONE” just wasn’t SEO-friendly enough. Tastefulness aside, that’s a pretty intense claim they’re making over there — they made it lead story under the headline “THE DAILY CALLER SURGES,” so they must be doing super well, right? …right? Read more on The Daily Caller Has Conquered All The Internets, Bow Before The Daily Caller (Update)…
  nice time!

Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea

Good morning, straight people. We want to talk to you about that weird feeling you’ve been having for about a week — that one where your marriage feels like it’s… worth less. You may be wondering why you feel that way. We happen to know. It’s because Yr Wonket performed a gay marriage in the newly gay-marriagelicious state of Maryland! After winning our sort-of-contest thing, two wonderful people — one of them your friend from the comment section, widestanceromance — made a life-long commitment to each other and it was a very lovely day, but because the lovely people were both guys, everybody else’s marriages have been hereby ruined, and also you should probably be prepping for the tidal wave of abortions and unwed mothers and crack epidemics and Seth Rogen movies that come along with every gay marriage. It was totally worth it. Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea…
  girls ruin everything

American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing

Hey, here’s somebody we haven’t heard from in a while! Must be Bid For Relevance Week for losing GOP candidates! Retired Army colonel and failed Florida Rep. Allen West, whom you may remember from his unabashedly patriotic efforts to protect America from communist tyranny by pushing for the installation of a military junta. He’s back though, sputtering nonsense as a Fox News contributor — it was his only choice, really, since he lost his seat in the House to some accountant and is now too old to get paid for his only marketable job skill, murdering people. Oh, sure, there’s always “mall security guard,” but it’s just not the same. He was on Michael Savage’s radio show talking about the push for reform of the military’s sexual assault programs, which, given his experience, is actually, weirdly, an appropriate thing to ask him about. His response is both valuable and revealing: He discussed his opposition to removing commanders from the sexual assault investigation process, and in doing so, demonstrated exactly why we should be removing commanders from the sexual assault investigation process. ‘Cause, like, he’s a moron. Read more on American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing…
  don't mess with texas (they are dicks)

New Texas Jury Instructions: Life Sentences For Everybody, All The Time

OK, so there’s this guy in Texas. He’s not a great fella, so to speak, as he has spent a lot of time getting convicted of stuff like cocaine possession and aggravated assault and leaving the scene of an accident. Not a saint. But he’s done his time in prison, “paid his debt” or whatever, and now he’s a free man. But then, he does something dumb — he tries to steal some food. Walks into a grocery store and shoves a rack of ribs into his shirt, because, who knows, if you really like ribs, maybe that sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t, because people are like, “Hey, that guy is clearly stealing meats,” and then the guy gets arrested. Can you guess what is going to happen? Because it is Texas, maybe you can! They’re going to lock him in a small concrete room until he dies. Read more on New Texas Jury Instructions: Life Sentences For Everybody, All The Time…
  john grisham novels in the making

Jose Canseco Uses Sweet Constitution Words To Defend Tweets About Rape Accuser

You may have missed it, but yesterday former MLB All Star and current Low Life Softball Salesman Jose Canseco tweeted the phone number of a woman he said was accusing him of rape in Nevada. He then deleted the tweet, and then tweeted that he did not ever delete tweets ever, and that is the last syllable you will have to read about tweets. The real story now, you see, is about how we happened to have what we believed to be Jose’s cell number, and just happened to let it accidentally slip into the end of our blog post. Wonkette operative “Sean”  took this as a cue to text him and — hey, look at that! — he responded, in a way that is just dumb enough to confirm the number was totally his. Read more on Jose Canseco Uses Sweet Constitution Words To Defend Tweets About Rape Accuser…
  shrunken testicle police blotter

Jose Canseco Grows His Steroid-Shrunken Testes Enough To Tweet Rape Accuser’s Phone Number, Like A Man

Good news everyone — we’ve got a brand new story about Jose Canseco, the pathetic, washed-up, wife-beating, bankrupted pus-sac that hit a gillion home runs, got all his friends to do steroids, then wrote a book tattling on all of them. The PED trailblazer has also jumped into new ways of abusing women: Moving on from his traditional “ram my wife’s car” maneuver, he’s decided to publically respond to rape allegations (bad idea) on Twitter (even worse) by tweeting his accuser’s name (horrible) and phone number (fucking impossible to get any more awful). Read more on Jose Canseco Grows His Steroid-Shrunken Testes Enough To Tweet Rape Accuser’s Phone Number, Like A Man…
  life was better before email

Family Research Council: Why Is Gay Barack Obama Raping All Our Soldiers?

The loving, spiritual gay-bashers of the Family Research Council have sent yr. Wonkette another of their insufferable emails. This one, though, rather than merely saying gay Boy Scouts are gross or that math does not count in polls anymore, takes a step far, far further into the debate over whether we should burn homosexuals at the stake, or just chop ’em up in the town square. They are criticizing stories in the New York Times and Washington Post, horrible rags that they are, for having the nerve to report on the most recent surge in military sexual assaults… and not blaming it on the gays. “What could have possibly brought about such a surge in sexual assaults?” the email asks. “Could the radical social policies pushed by the Obama Administration onto the military be a factor?” Spoiler: NO PROBABLY NOT. Read more on Family Research Council: Why Is Gay Barack Obama Raping All Our Soldiers?…
  war on women by women

Daily Caller Pauses To Laugh At Grenade Accidents, Women Being Terrible

Good morning! We would tell you that it is time to direct some media criticism at the Daily Caller, but that would be like telling you we were going to perform a linear regression analysis on a pile of horse diarrhea, so instead we will just say they are still quite stupid and get on with the blog post. The chortling, cross-eyed frat brothers of TheDC posted a quick ditty yesterday afternoon. It shows a military training exercise, apparently in China, in which a soldier incorrectly throws a grenade and is then dragged behind a pile of sandbags immediately before the thing explodes at her feet. It was a close call, but quick thinking and ample preparation likely ended up saving more than one life. The logical Daily Caller headline: “Chinese girl soldier throws grenade like a girl, almost gets blown away [VIDEO].” HA! Get it! Girls. How terrible they are. Read more on Daily Caller Pauses To Laugh At Grenade Accidents, Women Being Terrible…
  ridiculous russian doll situation

Obama Does Not Want Babies To Not Have Babies

Hey there, teenagers who want emergency contraceptions! The FDA says you should be allowed to buy it, but the Department of Health and Human Services says you shouldn’t, and Obama isn’t really helping at all with this one, so if you’re scared you might be pregnant just keep reading the newspaper until you see an article about what everybody can eventually decide about letting you have the medicine that doctors say is perfectly safe for you to take. A quick timeline, for those of you who may not have been tracking the convoluted battle over the availability of the “morning-after pill”: The FDA ruled two years ago that the pill was safe for use by anyone of child-bearing age — in other words, anyone who needs it would be able to take it. How lucky, you might think, until you read the rest of this paragraph. Health and Human Services decided this was not OK to be doing, because Jesus, or something, and HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius overruled the FDA, maintaining the restriction that girls younger than 17 needed a prescription in a move the Union of Concerned Scientists said was the first time HHS had chosen to simply take an FDA drug approval and say “nah, not this time.” But the fun does not stop there! Read more on Obama Does Not Want Babies To Not Have Babies…
  taliban science fair

All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition

Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, we will just tell you what’s up: Read more on All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition…
  lambs to the slaughter

The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! This morning we would like to appeal to your faith and spirit of service to pass on the chief message of the New Testament: Gotta get that paper, stack that paper, take they paper. Jesus wants you to make a shit-ton of money, friend, and we have received — in our very own email inbox! — the way to do it. Ignore those who would suggest the nice email plan is a “pyramid scheme” or a “con game for Jesus”; they are trying to lure the sheep from the herd… of money. Click through, to see what glorious Bible-money awaits! Read more on The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme…
  do not pass go do not collect due process

Donald Trump Reminds Us: Black People Not Allowed In Park

Hey, there is a really big national story going down right now — you know what that means! It’s time for the snide, slithering publicity slug that is Donald J. Trump to attempt to expand his shit-stain of public influence by gurgling up trite, inaccurate pond-spooge and passing it off as legitimate social commentary. This time around, Trump’s using legless marathon runners to expand his slime-bubble of influence, by tweeting brave stances such as, “NO MERCY TO TERRORISTS you dumb bastards!” and “I hate when the news media, so afraid to offend anyone, always refers to the BOSTON KILLER as ‘the suspect’,” because the gentleman who has actually whined that libel laws set an unfairly high bar for him to win lawsuits does not believe people other than Donald Trump should get to benefit from them. Anyway, the guy’s a fucking racist. Read more on Donald Trump Reminds Us: Black People Not Allowed In Park…
 

What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?

Four days after the bombing of the Boston marathon and 22 hours after a police officer was killed on the M.I.T. campus, one of the suspects is dead and the other is hospitalized and in some sort of detention that does not involve Miranda rights. A communal breath is taken, after the closest a nation can get to autoerotic asphyxiation. It was an effort that monopolized every resource within reach: Untold scores of law enforcement officials descended upon Watertown. Helicopters were flapping all over the place. Boston closed its subway, bus routes, commuter rail services, and ferries. The Red Sox didn’t play. The Bruins didn’t play. All of this was caused by two men, one who died Thursday night and one, a 19-year-old with at least one bullet wound, who spent a day running around bleeding everywhere and hiding in boats. They shut down a city, flummoxed the media, and got the cops to show off every crazy paramilitary gadget in the catalog. One can’t help but wonder: What the hell are we going to do when this happens again? Read more on What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?…
  it's a smelly one

Your Guide To The Boston Manhunt Friday News Dump

Good morning afternoon! We thought maybe you would be wanting a respite from everybody yelling about how any Muslim suspected of anything should be deprived of due process and tortured, so we put together a little list for you — believe it or not, other things have happened. Indeed! They happened yesterday, while everybody was paying attention to the Boston drama, so nobody really noticed, as was obviously the whole point. So let’s take a look — who took advantage of a dead guy and a manhunt to get their dirty laundry taken care of? Read more on Your Guide To The Boston Manhunt Friday News Dump…
  lace up we're gonna fight the terrorists

Your Complete Guide To Running Next Year’s Boston Marathon

Don’t know if you heard, but some Real Shit went down yesterday in Boston, and there are pictures on Reddit of people’s leg bones sticking out all over the place, and at least three people are dead, and now LaGuardia is being evacuated or something. Yesterday, the 2013 Boston Marathon was bombed. Today, there’s really only one productive thing to say: We gotta run that fuckin’ race next year. Read more on Your Complete Guide To Running Next Year’s Boston Marathon…