Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea
Good morning, straight people. We want to talk to you about that weird feeling you’ve been having for about a week — that one where your marriage feels like it’s… worth less. You may be wondering why you feel that way. We happen to know. It’s because Yr Wonket performed a gay marriage in the [...]
American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing
Hey, here’s somebody we haven’t heard from in a while! Must be Bid For Relevance Week for losing GOP candidates! Retired Army colonel and failed Florida Rep. Allen West, whom you may remember from his unabashedly patriotic efforts to protect America from communist tyranny by pushing for the installation of a military junta. He’s back though, sputtering nonsense [...]
New Texas Jury Instructions: Life Sentences For Everybody, All The Time
OK, so there’s this guy in Texas. He’s not a great fella, so to speak, as he has spent a lot of time getting convicted of stuff like cocaine possession and aggravated assault and leaving the scene of an accident. Not a saint. But he’s done his time in prison, “paid his debt” or whatever, [...]
Jose Canseco Uses Sweet Constitution Words To Defend Tweets About Rape Accuser
You may have missed it, but yesterday former MLB All Star and current Low Life Softball Salesman Jose Canseco tweeted the phone number of a woman he said was accusing him of rape in Nevada. He then deleted the tweet, and then tweeted that he did not ever delete tweets ever, and that is the [...]
Jose Canseco Grows His Steroid-Shrunken Testes Enough To Tweet Rape Accuser’s Phone Number, Like A Man
Good news everyone — we’ve got a brand new story about Jose Canseco, the pathetic, washed-up, wife-beating, bankrupted pus-sac that hit a gillion home runs, got all his friends to do steroids, then wrote a book tattling on all of them. The PED trailblazer has also jumped into new ways of abusing women: Moving on [...]
Family Research Council: Why Is Gay Barack Obama Raping All Our Soldiers?
The loving, spiritual gay-bashers of the Family Research Council have sent yr. Wonkette another of their insufferable emails. This one, though, rather than merely saying gay Boy Scouts are gross or that math does not count in polls anymore, takes a step far, far further into the debate over whether we should burn homosexuals at [...]
Daily Caller Pauses To Laugh At Grenade Accidents, Women Being Terrible
Good morning! We would tell you that it is time to direct some media criticism at the Daily Caller, but that would be like telling you we were going to perform a linear regression analysis on a pile of horse diarrhea, so instead we will just say they are still quite stupid and get on [...]
Obama Does Not Want Babies To Not Have Babies
Hey there, teenagers who want emergency contraceptions! The FDA says you should be allowed to buy it, but the Department of Health and Human Services says you shouldn’t, and Obama isn’t really helping at all with this one, so if you’re scared you might be pregnant just keep reading the newspaper until you see an [...]
All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition
Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, [...]
The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme
Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! This morning we would like to appeal to your faith and spirit of service to pass on the chief message of the New Testament: Gotta get that paper, stack that paper, take they paper. Jesus wants you to make a shit-ton of money, friend, and we [...]
Donald Trump Reminds Us: Black People Not Allowed In Park
Hey, there is a really big national story going down right now — you know what that means! It’s time for the snide, slithering publicity slug that is Donald J. Trump to attempt to expand his shit-stain of public influence by gurgling up trite, inaccurate pond-spooge and passing it off as legitimate social commentary. This [...]
What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?
Four days after the bombing of the Boston marathon and 22 hours after a police officer was killed on the M.I.T. campus, one of the suspects is dead and the other is hospitalized and in some sort of detention that does not involve Miranda rights. A communal breath is taken, after the closest a nation [...]
Your Guide To The Boston Manhunt Friday News Dump
Good morning afternoon! We thought maybe you would be wanting a respite from everybody yelling about how any Muslim suspected of anything should be deprived of due process and tortured, so we put together a little list for you — believe it or not, other things have happened. Indeed! They happened yesterday, while everybody was [...]
Your Complete Guide To Running Next Year’s Boston Marathon
Don’t know if you heard, but some Real Shit went down yesterday in Boston, and there are pictures on Reddit of people’s leg bones sticking out all over the place, and at least three people are dead, and now LaGuardia is being evacuated or something. Yesterday, the 2013 Boston Marathon was bombed. Today, there’s really [...]
A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention
The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his [...]
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