Family Research Council: Why Is Gay Barack Obama Raping All Our Soldiers?
The loving, spiritual gay-bashers of the Family Research Council have sent yr. Wonkette another of their insufferable emails. This one, though, rather than merely saying gay Boy Scouts are gross or that math does not count in polls anymore, takes a step far, far further into the debate over whether we should burn homosexuals at [...]
Daily Caller Pauses To Laugh At Grenade Accidents, Women Being Terrible
Good morning! We would tell you that it is time to direct some media criticism at the Daily Caller, but that would be like telling you we were going to perform a linear regression analysis on a pile of horse diarrhea, so instead we will just say they are still quite stupid and get on [...]
Obama Does Not Want Babies To Not Have Babies
Hey there, teenagers who want emergency contraceptions! The FDA says you should be allowed to buy it, but the Department of Health and Human Services says you shouldn’t, and Obama isn’t really helping at all with this one, so if you’re scared you might be pregnant just keep reading the newspaper until you see an [...]
All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition
Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, [...]
The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme
Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! This morning we would like to appeal to your faith and spirit of service to pass on the chief message of the New Testament: Gotta get that paper, stack that paper, take they paper. Jesus wants you to make a shit-ton of money, friend, and we [...]
Donald Trump Reminds Us: Black People Not Allowed In Park
Hey, there is a really big national story going down right now — you know what that means! It’s time for the snide, slithering publicity slug that is Donald J. Trump to attempt to expand his shit-stain of public influence by gurgling up trite, inaccurate pond-spooge and passing it off as legitimate social commentary. This [...]
What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?
Four days after the bombing of the Boston marathon and 22 hours after a police officer was killed on the M.I.T. campus, one of the suspects is dead and the other is hospitalized and in some sort of detention that does not involve Miranda rights. A communal breath is taken, after the closest a nation [...]
Your Guide To The Boston Manhunt Friday News Dump
Good morning afternoon! We thought maybe you would be wanting a respite from everybody yelling about how any Muslim suspected of anything should be deprived of due process and tortured, so we put together a little list for you — believe it or not, other things have happened. Indeed! They happened yesterday, while everybody was [...]
Your Complete Guide To Running Next Year’s Boston Marathon
Don’t know if you heard, but some Real Shit went down yesterday in Boston, and there are pictures on Reddit of people’s leg bones sticking out all over the place, and at least three people are dead, and now LaGuardia is being evacuated or something. Yesterday, the 2013 Boston Marathon was bombed. Today, there’s really [...]
A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention
The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his [...]
Hero Wyoming Judge Defends Privacy Of Oppressed Corporate Ground-Poisoners
It’s a situation that’s happened before, but it’s aggravating every time it happens: There are some environmental groups in Wyoming who requested documents about fracking from the state’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, see, and state officials and courts and the governor and everybody have gotten into a contest over who can dive on top [...]
Gay Marriage Killing Straight Parents Everywhere, Quick, Someone Save The Children
The Supreme Court yesterday heard oral arguments in Hollingsworth v. Perry, the Prop 8 gay marriage case. It was to be an intriguing day for observers of the anti-gay movement, because when you go before the Supreme Court, you are not allowed to use arguments like “gays are gross” and “Jesus does not like this,” [...]
Hero Sen. Rob Portman Courageously Endorses Equal Rights For His Family Members
A Republican did a good thing today, guys. In a story that came out mere moments after midnight, it was revealed that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman is now in favor of gay marriage. It’s true! He didn’t always feel that way, but he’s been thinking a lot, and talking to a lot of folks, and [...]
Conservatives Still Unskewing Polls With Super-Smart Anti-Gay Math
As you found out a few weeks ago, we are on the Family Research Council’s mailing list. And as we found out yesterday, they are still doing that fun thing where they can look at polls and say, “Nah, that’s not the real thing that is real, we are going to make one up.” We [...]
What Do You Mean Connecticut’s ‘Women’s Day’ Isn’t About Boobs?
Yesterday was Connecticut’s “Women’s Day at the Capitol,” an annual get-together in which entire office buildings are full of women. This is a great thing to do — it’s an exciting day of discussion and learning, sure, but who really cares about that? It’s great because — did you know? — all those women… have [...]
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