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Rich Abdill

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Pat Buchanan: When Will The Gays Stop Oppressing Putin?

Are you mad at Russia for doing this whole "arrest anybody who might like gay people" thing? Well then Pat Buchanan is mad at you. Probably. We can't really tell, but he wrote some kind of opinion piece about...

The Daily Caller Has Conquered All The Internets, Bow Before The Daily Caller (Update)

Update/Correction: A couple of emails to the Wonkette tipline have pointed out that, in our lust for mathematical slobberknockery, we got a couple of things DEAD WRONG in this story. We mislabeled the first two charts in our piece,...

Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea

Good morning, straight people. We want to talk to you about that weird feeling you've been having for about a week — that one where your marriage feels like it's... worth less. You may be wondering why you feel...

American Torture-Hero Allen West Not Really Buying This Whole ‘Military Rape’ Thing

Hey, here's somebody we haven't heard from in a while! Must be Bid For Relevance Week for losing GOP candidates! Retired Army colonel and failed Florida Rep. Allen West, whom you may remember from his unabashedly patriotic efforts to protect America from...

New Texas Jury Instructions: Life Sentences For Everybody, All The Time

OK, so there's this guy in Texas. He's not a great fella, so to speak, as he has spent a lot of time getting convicted of stuff like cocaine possession and aggravated assault and leaving the scene of an...

Jose Canseco Uses Sweet Constitution Words To Defend Tweets About Rape Accuser

You may have missed it, but yesterday former MLB All Star and current Low Life Softball Salesman Jose Canseco tweeted the phone number of a woman he said was accusing him of rape in Nevada. He then deleted the...

Jose Canseco Grows His Steroid-Shrunken Testes Enough To Tweet Rape Accuser’s Phone Number, Like A Man

Good news everyone — we've got a brand new story about Jose Canseco, the pathetic, washed-up, wife-beating, bankrupted pus-sac that hit a gillion home runs, got all his friends to do steroids, then wrote a book tattling on all...

Family Research Council: Why Is Gay Barack Obama Raping All Our Soldiers?

The loving, spiritual gay-bashers of the Family Research Council have sent yr. Wonkette another of their insufferable emails. This one, though, rather than merely saying gay Boy Scouts are gross or that math does not count in polls anymore,...

Daily Caller Pauses To Laugh At Grenade Accidents, Women Being Terrible

Good morning! We would tell you that it is time to direct some media criticism at the Daily Caller, but that would be like telling you we were going to perform a linear regression analysis on a pile of...

Obama Does Not Want Babies To Not Have Babies

Hey there, teenagers who want emergency contraceptions! The FDA says you should be allowed to buy it, but the Department of Health and Human Services says you shouldn't, and Obama isn't really helping at all with this one, so...

All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition

Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone's Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons,...

The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! This morning we would like to appeal to your faith and spirit of service to pass on the chief message of the New Testament: Gotta get that paper, stack that...

Donald Trump Reminds Us: Black People Not Allowed In Park

Hey, there is a really big national story going down right now — you know what that means! It's time for the snide, slithering publicity slug that is Donald J. Trump to attempt to expand his shit-stain of public...

What Happens Next Time We’re Attacked?

Four days after the bombing of the Boston marathon and 22 hours after a police officer was killed on the M.I.T. campus, one of the suspects is dead and the other is hospitalized and in some sort of detention...

Your Guide To The Boston Manhunt Friday News Dump

Good morning afternoon! We thought maybe you would be wanting a respite from everybody yelling about how any Muslim suspected of anything should be deprived of due process and tortured, so we put together a little list for you...

Your Complete Guide To Running Next Year’s Boston Marathon

Don't know if you heard, but some Real Shit went down yesterday in Boston, and there are pictures on Reddit of people's leg bones sticking out all over the place, and at least three people are dead, and now...