Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Last week was all about Condi’s big Carnival o’ Peace™ in Annapolis. Yes! That was only a few days ago! Not much happened, but that didn’t stop people from writing about it. Plus: more excerpts from Elizabeth Bumiller’s Condiography which is maybe going to be serialized in Maureen Dowd’s column. And, finally, it was Mean Caricature Week! After the jump, we’ll relive the Condiweek that was.

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Anthony Lewis reviewed Glenn Kessler’s Condiography The Confidante in yesterday’s New York Times Sunday Book Review, and, you know, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. It all just seems like an excuse to publish the accompanying illustration, an absolutely fab drawing of Condoleezza Rice by the excitingly-named Noma Bar. If you’re reluctant to click the link, see a full-sized screenshot of the illustration and learn more about the artist after the jump…

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What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Last week was a holiday, so there wasn’t a lot of hot Condi action, so let’s take a look at her legacy, OK? Skeptics may wish to point out Dr. Ferragamo’s many failures, but there’s one area in which our beloved heroine has absolutely triumphed: Condoleezza Rice has perfected the MAPO, the matching armchairs photo-op. Join me for an in-depth look at this impressive diplomatic capability after the jump!

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What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week was really fun in Condiland! Like her illustrious mentor, G. H. W. Bush, she inspired a new foreign language insult! It was her birthday! Something about laser helmets! And at the end of the week? OMG, new hairdo. Did you hear me? NEW HAIRDO.

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What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week? OMG, it was mostly all about writing about Condi! We’re talking people running into each other at cocktail parties and going, all, “OMG, you’re writing a book about Condi? Me too! Have you seen my latest newspaper article about her? It’s so much better than Glenn Kessler’s.” Soon there will be enough words written about Condoleezza Rice to build her a stairway to the moon! Which would be a good idea right around now! MORE »

What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week, Dr. Secretary sat around and offended her underlings, said goodbye to an old friend, got sharp objects thrown at her by Turkish children, and then received a subpoena from mean people who just won’t leave her alone!

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Not just anyone gets to lobby the CIA, but you might be surprised to hear that one of them is eBay! “A spokesman for CIA did not respond to a request for comment.” LOL! I hate it when people don’t leave feedback! [Washington Post]

So Laura “Crazy Eyes” Bush was traipsing around the Middle East this past week, adorably pretending to care about dangerous terrorist women’s breasts because… well, because she’s basically taken over both Condoleezza Rice’s and Karen Hughes’ jobs. At one stop, somebody got sick of looking at her head, so they handed her a scarf and, OMG, she put it on! OUTRAGE! Why does the first lady hate America? Think Progress has a superfun roundup of all the moaning and hand-wringing. My favorite: MORE »

You’d think Donald Rumsfeld would know better than to go to the land of rabid Jerry Lewis fans, striped boating shirt aficionados and melty cheeses, but oh, no! He probably thought, “It’s Sarkozy’s town, now,” and, therefore, he’d be greeted as a liberator. Well, not exactly:

Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s jaunt to France was interrupted today by an unscheduled itinerary item — he was slapped with a criminal complaint charging him with torture.

Rumsfeld, in Paris for a discussion sponsored by the magazine Foreign Policy, was tracked down by representatives of a coalition of international human rights groups, who informed the architect of the US invasion of Iraq that they had submitted a torture suit against him in French court.

The filed documents allege that during his tenure, the former defense secretary “ordered and authorized” torture of detainees at both the American-run Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the US military’s detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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We love Fran Townsend, Bush’s Homeland Security spokesmodel, known more for her hotness than her ability to do her job. The Washington Post’s Mary Ann Akers reports today that Townsend was recently spotted having drinks at the Mayflower with, of all people, Philippe Reines, who is not only Hillary Clinton’s Senate spokesman, but also has a perfectly normal name spelled the French way, which proves that he’s also a America-hating pinko terrorist (as if working for Clinton doesn’t already prove that). Akers wonders what on Earth the two could possibly be doing there together, advancing all kinds of possible explanations, most of them pretty uninteresting. Mary Ann, we’ll make it easier, because we know you can’t say this in the Post: they’re obviously totally fucking. MORE »