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The ‘Alt-Right’ Twitter Purge Explained With Cartoon Deer

A cartoon! You like cartoons!

What If Joni Ernst Were More Like Max Ernst?

Ernst Ernst Ernst. Isn't that a good name? Ernst Ernst Ernst. The Importance of Being Ernst. Ernst Borgnine. We bet it's the onomatopoeia in some culture for a blaring truck horn: ERNST! ERNST! OUT OF MY WAY! In many...

What If Citizen Journalism Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be?

Everybody's talking about "citizen journalism" these days. What is this "citizen journalism"? Puzzled, I asked around and found out it was defined as "people who aren't journalists, but give it a go anyway, mostly on the Twitters and the...

Chuck C. Johnson Is An Award-Winning Journalist

Move over Ben Shapiro, because it's safe to say that Yer Wonkette, collectively, is simply head over heels for Charles C. "Chuck" Johnson, the brave not-a-blogger (HE'S AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST!!!) who has attached himself to the Mississippi Senate runoff...

What If MORE Republicans Were Replaced By Robots?

We sure got a kick last week out of Timothy Ray Murray, the totally reasonable Oklahoma Republican whose primary opponent, dastardly Frank Lucas, stole the election by dying and cleverly having himself replaced by an android. That's a new...

What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?

Science Fiction! OK, Science-ish Fiction? Not-at-all-Science Fiction. YOU GUYS ARE BUSTING MY BALLS, JESUS! Well, Jesus, exactly, specifically that weird Jesus thing where they think they can make the hairdressers straight, because it worked for Marcus Bachmann, amiright? (Don't...

What If It Was All A Dream?

Satire is hard! Satire is particularly hard if you're unconscious! So, I had this great idea for a "What If?" column: make fun of that hot new Republican thing where they post pictures of cats holding signs with conservative...

What If The National Review Had Co-Written All Of Maya Angelou’s Material?

It's hard to imagine a more moving outpouring of love and respect than that received by Maya Angelou this week. I suppose I can conceptualize the existence of somebody who simply hasn't heard of her, but can you fathom...

What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?

Just imagine the pitch: "Mr. Moonves, think Golden Girls meets Crossfire," says the excited producer. The Chairman frowns slightly. "BUT with mostly guys," the producer continues. Moonves looks mollified. It's a go. Of course viewed from the outside, the Right...

What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?

JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you in the Washington Post with the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN. Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN, from young to old. Taste, see, smell, and...

What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?

A couple of weeks ago, I ended my column with a lie: "Next time:" I wrote, "What if Paul Ryan blew a dog whistle so loudly that everybody, not just dogs, could hear it?" Of course I had no...

What If Bill O’Reilly Had Better Examples Of What Abraham Lincoln Would Or Would Not Do?

Watch out, because noted presidential scholar Bill "Falafel" O'Reilly has gazed upon Barack Obama and, hark unto his words, found him wanting, especially when compared to reputed Republican Abraham Lincoln, who never EVER would have cheapened his office by...

What If Fundamentalist Christians Cared About Other Things God Hates?

Like most of you, I do find fundamentalist Christians amusing, like clowns. Such merry puppets, spinning around and around!  Sometimes, however, it seems like they've gone into reruns: it's all gays, gays, gays, and fetuses, fetuses, fetuses all the...

What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?

So I was reading things 'n' stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician -- a conservative one! -- lamented that being endorsed by the Koch...

What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?

It's kind of a trick question, because of course you won't be able to ever actually count your brain cells as they wither and pass while you read something by Ben Shapiro. Nobody can count that high! But you...

What If I Ran Out Of Ideas For ‘What If’ Columns?

Oh, jeez, it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen! I assumed it would be later rather than sooner, however, so this is where you all come in! Calling all Wonketeers! Your Pink Pony is in...