Author Archives: Princess Sparkle Pony

  now that's what i call journalism

Chuck C. Johnson Is An Award-Winning Journalist

Move over Ben Shapiro, because it’s safe to say that Yer Wonkette, collectively, is simply head over heels for Charles C. “Chuck” Johnson, the brave not-a-blogger (HE’S AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST!!!) who has attached himself to the Mississippi Senate runoff controversy like a particularly tenacious hagfish. Johnson does not care for Thad Cochran! Not even the teensiest bit! But I’m not going to get into the whole “who is right and who is wrong” thing, because unlike Charles C. Johnson, I am JUST a blogger, no “Webbys,” so what do I know? What I do know is that RIGHT NOW is clearly Johnson’s moment in the sun. So many people paying attention to Chuck and mentioning him in Tweets ‘n’ such! Alas, enjoy it while you can, because you know about redheads and the sun, right? Join me after the jump, and we’ll get deeper into Charles C. Johnson. HAWT. Read more on Chuck C. Johnson Is An Award-Winning Journalist…
  what if?

What If MORE Republicans Were Replaced By Robots?

We sure got a kick last week out of Timothy Ray Murray, the totally reasonable Oklahoma Republican whose primary opponent, dastardly Frank Lucas, stole the election by dying and cleverly having himself replaced by an android. That’s a new one! Actually, no, that’s not really a new one, as anybody who has read Philip K. Dick knows. GOP simulacra? Heck, I’ve been writing about the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot for years! “We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or manmade replacements,” Murray calmly avers on his OUTSTANDING website, “however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time.” But Mr. Murray! There’s nothing in The Constitution™ that says that! If the android were thirty and “born” in the USA, heck, the sky’s the limit! And so what if Rep. Frank Lucas is a replicant? Club for Growth and the Koch Brothers are probably meeting as we speak: “We can make them faster, stronger… gaffe-proof!” Sounding better and better guys, amiright? But would it really be an advantage? I’m thinking there would be ups and downs (controlled by pneumatic servos). Join me after the jump to explore this important topic! Read more on What If MORE Republicans Were Replaced By Robots?…
  what if?

What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?

Science Fiction! OK, Science-ish Fiction? Not-at-all-Science Fiction. YOU GUYS ARE BUSTING MY BALLS, JESUS! Well, Jesus, exactly, specifically that weird Jesus thing where they think they can make the hairdressers straight, because it worked for Marcus Bachmann, amiright? (Don’t answer that question.) Trouble is, you just can’t seem to find anyone who it has worked for, unless it’s somebody who makes money off the whole scam, and even then they’re lying and having SO MUCH COCK OMG, like hogging all the cocks for God. And Mary. Actually, especially for Mary. But… what if Ex-Gay therapy actually worked? And I don’t mean “Hey, that worked; the kid killed himself. NOT SO GAY ANYMORE.” What if they could detect the gay right at birth and bend that twig into a straight… wand? Or apply it later in life? Would things be different? Oh, yes, they’d be different all right. Join me after the jump for some possible side-effects. Read more on What If Ex-Gay Therapy Actually Worked?…
  what if?

What If It Was All A Dream?

Satire is hard! Satire is particularly hard if you’re unconscious! So, I had this great idea for a “What If?” column: make fun of that hot new Republican thing where they post pictures of cats holding signs with conservative platitudes on the Twitters and the Facebooks. You know, like Michelle Obama holding that “Bring Back Our Girls” sign? “What if,” I wondered, “Republicans were better at using cat memes?” Because that shit is soooo stupid, right? And so off I went, merrily making “hilarious” GOP cat meme pictures and thinking how clever and smart I was. And then I started type, type, typing here at Yr Wonkette, breaking only to pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on SUCH a great idea. And then it was time to add links and… well, that’s when everything went south. Join me after the jump to feel really embarrassed for me. Read more on What If It Was All A Dream?…
 

What If The National Review Had Co-Written All Of Maya Angelou’s Material?

It’s hard to imagine a more moving outpouring of love and respect than that received by Maya Angelou this week. I suppose I can conceptualize the existence of somebody who simply hasn’t heard of her, but can you fathom the idea of somebody knowing her work, and just hating her? Of course not; don’t be absurd. Why, even the National Review loved Maya, and trust them to make the most fitting eulogy they could muster: PISTOL PACKIN’ MAMA! ARMED AND POETIC! But what if Maya Angelou had been even more amenable to the National Review‘s philosophies? Join me after the jump to see how it could have informed her writing. Read more on What If The National Review Had Co-Written All Of Maya Angelou’s Material?…
  what if?

What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?

Just imagine the pitch: “Mr. Moonves, think Golden Girls meets Crossfire,” says the excited producer. The Chairman frowns slightly. “BUT with mostly guys,” the producer continues. Moonves looks mollified. It’s a go. Of course viewed from the outside, the Right Wing™ already seems like an increasingly surreal network television experiment gone spectacularly off the rails, so why not push it where it obviously wants to go? Sarah Palin’s already got a couple of reality shows under her belt, and Tucker Carlson was on Dancing with the Stars, so let’s give Laura Ingraham a variety show! How about transforming Tea Party Nation into a medical procedural? It wouldn’t be too difficult to integrate the Republican primaries into the next season of Big Brother. Ooooh… how about a sitcom based on the Heritage Foundation? Yes. Let’s fantasize about that after the jump. Read more on What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?…
  what if?

What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?

JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you in the Washington Post with the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN. Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN, from young to old. Taste, see, smell, and “desire to reassert America’s place in the world” with a JENNIFER RUBIN. Experience every emotion known to JENNIFER RUBIN. And if you already have a JENNIFER RUBIN, remember what the Washington Post says: “Two JENNIFER RUBINS are better than one!” Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN. Every minute is different from the next minute in the incredible thought-chaos of JENNIFER RUBIN. And every single JENNIFER RUBIN is different! Read more on What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?…
  what if?

What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?

A couple of weeks ago, I ended my column with a lie: “Next time:” I wrote, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog whistle so loudly that everybody, not just dogs, could hear it?” Of course I had no intentions of writing about this “What If?” subject at all; I added it as a throwaway gag. Wonkette readers can be unpredictable, though! It turns out that most of you just read the first part of the sentence, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog,” and then got so excited and overstimulated that you forgot to read the rest, and off you went chattering about Paul Ryan blowing a dog. You guys! First of all… ew. Seriously, you Wonketeers have such totally dirty minds! Gross! But… what if it were true? What if Paul Ryan really did blow a dog? I reckon that would be newsworthy! Let’s talk this one out after the jump. Read more on What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog?…
  what if?

What If Bill O’Reilly Had Better Examples Of What Abraham Lincoln Would Or Would Not Do?

Watch out, because noted presidential scholar Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly has gazed upon Barack Obama and, hark unto his words, found him wanting, especially when compared to reputed Republican Abraham Lincoln, who never EVER would have cheapened his office by being fake interviewed by a portly Greek comedian. Yes, yes, “You didn’t build that” has officially morphed into “Abe wouldn’t do that.” Fun! Let’s play along! Read more on What If Bill O’Reilly Had Better Examples Of What Abraham Lincoln Would Or Would Not Do?…
  thanks a lot obama

What If Fundamentalist Christians Cared About Other Things God Hates?

Like most of you, I do find fundamentalist Christians amusing, like clowns. Such merry puppets, spinning around and around!  Sometimes, however, it seems like they’ve gone into reruns: it’s all gays, gays, gays, and fetuses, fetuses, fetuses all the time, tsk. Our beloved Jesusy minstrels need some fresh material! What’s really a shame is that all the new material they need is right there in the Bible. There are soooo many things other than hairdressers and dead zygotes that God hates! Lucky for you I’ve got the Wonkette Time Scoop™ available, so we can peer into an alternative universe where Christians do spend more time hating these other, neglected things to hate, for Jesus. Unfortunately, the Wonkette Time Scoop™ kind of sucks, and all it can get from this unnervingly familiar parallel world is a few screen shots. Join me after the jump for a look! Read more on What If Fundamentalist Christians Cared About Other Things God Hates?…
  tax shelter skelter

What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?

So I was reading things ‘n’ stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician — a conservative one! — lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers’ Americans for Prosperity “was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson.” My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I’ll never be able to “elevate the conversation” as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America’s prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, “What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we’re moving along to Charles Manson?” In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn’t it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they’d have! Won’t you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me? Read more on What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?…
  oh no! they've ve killed princess sparkle pony!

What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?

It’s kind of a trick question, because of course you won’t be able to ever actually count your brain cells as they wither and pass while you read something by Ben Shapiro. Nobody can count that high! But you sure can FEEL them dying! Most people would interpret this sensation as being bored or ow, I rolled my eyes too hard, but make no mistake: those brain cells are gone and they’re never coming back. It’s too late for me, because I’ve already read – twice! – this thing by Shapiro (warning: Breitbart) about that sportsball player, the football one who said he loves the cock, and it is a doozy. Turns out it’s all a big media hoax/conspiracy, and worse, a trap! It’s tempting to call Ben Shapiro’s argument circular, but it’s more like a Möbius strip, never-ending and one-sided. Click “read more” to see more of my thoughts ‘n’ stuff on this amazing piece of writing before my cranial neurons finally give up the ghost and surrender forever. Read more on What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?…
  writers block

What If I Ran Out Of Ideas For ‘What If’ Columns?

Oh, jeez, it’s not like I didn’t know this was going to happen! I assumed it would be later rather than sooner, however, so this is where you all come in! Calling all Wonketeers! Your Pink Pony is in trouble (“Lassie, what’ll we do?”)! I know you all are a bunch of smartypants, so, like, “What if you came up with ideas for me and then I stole them and we all lived happily every after?” Everybody wins! So please, Pony Pals, leave your “What if” ideas in the comment section, and I’ll give you credit when/if I use them. You can up-vote your faves! Oh, and I know how you bitches love to spoil things, so I promise I won’t look at any comment replies. It’s not like I haven’t come up with a few ideas – heaven forbid! It’s just that some of those ideas are only good for one or two gags, while other ones are too labor-intensive. Some ideas are, of course, just totally weird and/or stupid, even by my low standards (don’t let that stop you from suggesting weird/stupid ideas)! Click “read more” to see some of these wisely aborted ideas, and lend a Pony a hand! Read more on What If I Ran Out Of Ideas For ‘What If’ Columns?…
  stranger things have happened

What If I Only Wrote Nice Things About Condoleezza Rice?

Ahhhhh, remember way back, like, six years ago (!!), when I would perform the weekly Condi Roundup at Yr Wonkette? What fun we had! We laughed and laughed! That’s how I remember it, anyhow. Wouldn’t it be fun to do that again? Well, yes, it would, come to think about it. But alas! Those were the days when Condi was just all over the place, swanning about here and there, meeting fab glamsters, accepting souvenir paperweights from adoring fans, zipping ’round the world so energetically that many believed (and still believe!) that somewhere along the line, America’s Princess Diplomat™ had been replaced by a Disneytronic, Animagic robot. Those were also the days that Yr Wonkette was allowed to play with nice things, and by “nice things,” I mean nice Associated Press and Getty images paid for by the previous regime. Lo, those days are gone, so clearly if I’m going to write about Condoleezza Rice on Newfangled Wonkette™, I’m going to have to do the exact opposite, and that means no photographs at all (SORRY, CONDIBATORS), and me saying only nice things about her. Click “read more” to view the unfortunate results. Read more on What If I Only Wrote Nice Things About Condoleezza Rice?…
  morning cosplay

What If Gay Marriage Protesters Had Better Ways To ‘Support Traditional Gender Roles’?

Are  you sitting down? OK, this will come as a surprise, but people in Utah are going to protest the gay marriage! Pick your jaw off the floor, because it’s true! It happens next Tuesday in Salt Lake City (you’re done being shocked at this point, right?), and features famous heterosexual Brian Brown of the National Organization for Marriage and Robert Oscar Lopez, who is a reallllly peculiar sort-of gay anti-gay activist (!?) who for some reason is not a Wonkette superstar (yet). But the best, best, BEST part of the rally is their suggestion that you “PLEASE WEAR PINK (OR RED) AND BLUE TO SUPPORT TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES”. Fun! It’s the closest these people will ever get to cosplay. But why not take this idea where it clearly wants to go? Click “Read More” to see just how much more fun and meaningful this rally could be. Read more on What If Gay Marriage Protesters Had Better Ways To ‘Support Traditional Gender Roles’?…
  fa fa fa fashion

What If House Republicans Suddenly Became Obsessed With Haute Couture?

Have you read about how Washington DC is getting so hip and fashionable and everything? Of course you haven’t, because the notion is ridiculous, so why would you waste your time? DC is not now, nor has it ever been, hip, trendy, or fashionable, and it never will be as long as the federal government is based here (maybe we really should move it to Nebraska). I can casually state with utmost confidence that I am one of the most stylish people in Washington (you know, sparkly hooves, combable tail, etc.), and I say that not with bragginess, but, alas, with disappointed resignation (“You didn’t get that here,” is a comment I get a lot). And Capitol Hill? Are you kidding me? This is a place where a green tie is “kicky,” where Wonkette’s beloved Rosa DeLauro is viewed as a visitor not from Connecticut, but from Mars, in a town where it was considered extraordinary when Condoleezza Rice wore a pair of boots so very ordinary a New Yorker would apologize for them. But what if that weren’t true? What if, say, House Republicans suddenly went WILD for high fashion? And I don’t mean just nice, expensive things; I mean the really top shelf stuff, the maddening Would You be Caught Dead in THIS? National Enquirer bait. Click “read more” to join me on a trip to a superfab, glamorous alternative House of Representatives. For freedom! Read more on What If House Republicans Suddenly Became Obsessed With Haute Couture?…
  honey i blew up michelle

What If Michelle Obama Grew Fifty Feet Overnight?

Ha ha, no, I don’t mean “What if Michelle Obama Sprouted 25 New Pairs of Feet, With 250 New Toes and Everything.” Are you listening to yourself? That would be ridiculous. I’m talking about something more prosaic, like all of a sudden everyone wakes up and it turns out that the First Lady is, like, 55 feet tall and, what, eleven inches? Wouldn’t that be something? What adventures she would have! “Honey, let me take care of that congressional impasse for you.” SQUISH. “Ohhhh, sorry, I didn’t see Mike Lee there.” How would you react? Would you be masturbating furiously along with the folks at amaz0ns.com (NSFW, probably. I didn’t linger very long), or would you have more practical concerns, such as the unavailability of totally cute Junya Watanabe cardigans in XXXXXXXXL? Some people would HATE it, because I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but some people have strong feelings about Michelle! Obviously, reactions would be all over the map. Click “read more” to see what that first day in the media would be like in the shadow of Big Michelle! Read more on What If Michelle Obama Grew Fifty Feet Overnight?…
  not that there's anything wrong with that

What If Aaron Schock Really Is Straight?

Oh, hello! Seems like SOMEBODY had a tenth anniversary celebration for yr Wonkette and forgot to invite me, the other pony, the one you thought had been sent to the glue factory forever. It’s my fault for not dropping by more often; maybe I should! Maybe I will. Nevertheless, I did do some strolling down memory lane this weekend due to the whole “Aaron Schock LOLGAY” story which entertained us all so much on a slow, cold Saturday. After all, it was I, in coordination with your Wonkette, who first outed the delicate yet abtastic congressman nearly three years ago to a not-particularly-startled world. See, that’s what’s so fun about writing for Wonkette: one doesn’t have to take the “high road” like Buzzfeed’s Chris Geidner. (Note to editrix: there’s your new slogan. Wonkette: lower standards than Buzzfeed.) But what if we got it all wrong? What if Aaron Schock really is a straight man merely trapped in a gay man’s fabulous body? What if he went and petulantly locked his Instagram for no reason? What would a typical workweek be like for Totally Straight Aaron Schock? Click “read more” to find out! Read more on What If Aaron Schock Really Is Straight?…
 

Condi Classic Sitcom Reruns

Oh no! Condi’s stuck on repeat! Or maybe shuffle! She went places, she met people… but it all seems so familiar, like she’s just coasting for the next eight months or something. I don’t know about you, but there are some Condi reruns I’d much rather see, so let’s use the magical, revelatory power of Photoshop to pump up the Condiweek that was… after the jump, natch! Read more on Condi Classic Sitcom Reruns…
 

Condi’s Ton O’ Luv

It was a pretty bad Condiweek! She went all the way to the Middle East and accomplished little more than photo-ops with the morbidly obese; she bickered with kindly old man Jimmy Carter; and then she came home and participated in one of the most gruesomely cynical Bush Administration publicity stunts EVER. Catch up with America’s Princess Diplomat after the jump! Read more on Condi’s Ton O’ Luv…