Author Archives: Jim Newell

Full Name: Jim Newell Website:
Info: Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.
  don't feed the tracker troll

Republican Tracker Successfully Comes To Near-Fisticuffs With Elizabeth Warren’s Hired Muscle

Who is this manly man protecting Elizabeth Warren? Some funny guy… who gives Elizabeth Warren problems that she probably doesn’t need right now? Watch, as this annoying Republican tracker gets exactly what he wants from the fella in the green hat: a little camera shove and some comical threats. Read more on Republican Tracker Successfully Comes To Near-Fisticuffs With Elizabeth Warren’s Hired Muscle…
  the furry report

Early Furry & Sex Magazine Sightings in Tampa

Your Wonkette editor Rebecca is currently en route to Tampa, or dragged out to sea in the worst hurricane ever, who knows, but we’ve been getting crucial news reports from Tampa all weekend anyway. “I’ve seen two furries already and I haven’t event left the airport,” Former Wonkette and current Reason Paultard correspondent Garrett Quinn wrote on Saturday, sending along these photos. This is a some sort of Tampa bird, perhaps the devil ray. Read more on Early Furry & Sex Magazine Sightings in Tampa…
  wonkette at the movies

That Wacky Dinesh D’Souza Obamapocalypse Documentary: All The Rage in Cinema!

The wingers are clicking their heels this morning, as the documentary 2016: Obama’s America, based on the widely condemned works of pretend scholar troll Dinesh D’Souza, hit number 8 at the weekend box office! With total a haul of 9 million dollars, it is now the “#1 all-time biggest-grossing conservative political documentary,” which is… it’s quite a thing. And to think that your Wonkette sneered at such a dynamic work six months ago: shame on us. What is this movie like? We just watched the trailer and, sorry to be predictable here, but yeah, it looks racist. Read more on That Wacky Dinesh D’Souza Obamapocalypse Documentary: All The Rage in Cinema!…
  no really

25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention

25. Paul Ryan will poop his pants while giving a speech, it will be hella embarrassing. 24. A Florida alligator will eat Marco Rubio and then go “we all saw this coming.” 23. Chris Christie will pour local seawater all over his tits. 22. An elephant will fly in from outer space and crash into the Tampa arena and have babies everywhere. 21. Editor Rebecca will save Rep. Virginia Foxx from the hurricane and then they’ll do a bunch of cocaine. Read more on 25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention…
  dumb horrible people everywhere

RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians

Today is Wonkette Manifest Destiny history day! Well, there was this General Custer once who got himself and all his men killed after killing a ton of Indians himself. New Mexico GOP lobbyist and prominent local RNC official Pat Rogers remembers this well. It sears his every moment of consciousness. And he is absolutely furious that New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez agreed to meet with American Indians. “The state is going to hell,” Rogers wrote in an email. “Col. Weh [Martinez’s 2010 primary opponent] would not have dishonored Col. Custer in this manner.” Uhhh… Read more on RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians…
  pretty cool idol bro

Mitt Romney Wants To Be Your New James K. Polk

Which 19th century president do Mitt Romney’s advisors want him to be? Karl Rove always hoped that George W. Bush would live up to his idol, William McKinley and… well, George W. Bush sucked, as president, however that stacks up. According to campaign manager Matt Rhoades, Romney has another one-term (but un-shot) president in mind: James K. Polk, who fought the wacky Mexicans and shook his fist right-good at those British fucks in Canada, for Oregon. Romney, according to Rhoades, could be the James K. Polk of entitlements! Now isn’t that a future that we can all stand up and hug? Read more on Mitt Romney Wants To Be Your New James K. Polk…
  today in todd

Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points

This morning a Rasmussen poll came out showing Missouri magical fetal dumphead, Rep. Todd Akin, trailing Sen. Claire McCaskill by 10 percentage points, 48% to 38%. Considering that any GOP Senate candidate who can spell his own name was expected to be leading McCaskill by 10 to 15 points consistently through November, this is considered a poor polling result for the congressman — even though Rasmussen’s famous Republican bias this week would probably exaggerate the margin, since Republicans all want him to quit the race. Is that the spin Todd Akin’s campaign is taking? It’s a fine spin, as spinnery goes. What about simply ignoring the poll? That works too! Or there’s the option of saying that, uhh, the poll shows that Claire McCaskill should drop out of the race, which, comically, is the one Akin’s campaign is running with. Read more on Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points…
  niccccccceee

Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run

They say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t). Read more on Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run…
  censorship

Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech

The Mitt Romney for President 2012 campaign had a smashing idea for night one of next week’s convention: Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,” don’t you know. Have you heard? Once the world meets Ann Romney, nothing but Endless Victory will follow. And yet problems have arisen: (1) Ann Romney’s opening act will be a hurricane that levels the city of Tampa and (2) CBS, ABC and NBC won’t even be showing the speech. Instead they’re airing repeats of what, one thing about a detective, another one about fairy tales. A Hawaii thing. (They are all about detectives.) Read more on Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech…
  the evil liberal media

Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!

Fox News loves the troops, protects the troops, and will stand in the way of anyone who would hurt the troops and national security and the heartland and troop families, and such. Just last year, when New York’s gay carnival blog Gawker tried to guess the name of the CIA’s “Bin Laden Hunter,” the outlet was trashed and condemned on both the Fox News website and teevee channels forever and ever. That would be putting that HERO’s life in danger! That was a year ago. Now did you hear that there’s a member of SEAL Team 6 writing a Bin Laden raid tell-all, under a pseudonym? Fox News would like to tell you his name! Read more on Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!…
  just hear him out you guys

Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover

Now here’s a case, maybe the only case, for raising taxes that could appeal to Bold Conservatives, straight from Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas: If that there Obamer fella were to win reelection, God Almighty forbid, and hand over American sovereignty to the United Nations, there’d be such righteous civil unrest in the streets that the administration would quickly send in U.N. troops — so a 1.7% property tax increase would be well worth it to help bolster Lubbock County law enforcement before they’re forced to fend off said U.N. troops. Well, in that case, sure? Raise it five, ten percent, whatever you want, judge. Read more on Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover…
  leave todd akin alone!

Rep. Joe Walsh Just Doesn’t Get Why Everyone Slammed Todd Akin Like That

Now that Missouri’s finest reproductive sorcerer Rep. Todd Akin is “in it,” by which we mean his Senate race, so as “to win it,” we should expect to see many on the right to start saying, oh well, maybe we were too hard on the ol’ galoot after all. It was just one sentence, right? These things happen. And Illinois father of the millennium Rep. Joe Walsh is out early to shield his colleague from those who would have his head. “What he said was offensive, insulting and wrong, but I’m bothered by this rush to pile on,” Walsh told a group of Young Republicans yesterday. “And I’m bothered by the silence of members of our own party to stand up for him.” Read more on Rep. Joe Walsh Just Doesn’t Get Why Everyone Slammed Todd Akin Like That…
  endless derp

Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)

Vaginal magic expert Rep. Todd Akin has just gone on the Mike Huckabee radio show to announce his final decision before today’s 5:00 drop-out deadline and LOL, he’s staying in. The reason is the same as yesterday: 9/11, and how the first responders wouldn’t want him to quit!…?? Hoo boy. We could see this coming, his defiant non-quitting of the Missouri Senate race, as soon as the National Review posted an editorial calling on him to drop out yesterday. When does that ever work? Read more on Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)…
  wonkette sports desk

Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club

Ahh, so now we know why lying war monster Condolleezza Rice was going around giving wingnut speeches about socialism and such-like. It wasn’t about getting on the presidential ticket — who even wants that? — it was about becoming the first female member of August National golf club, a goal that she attained today. She, along with Darla Moore, an insanely rich finance lady, can now navigate the lush fairways of America’s finest golf course at their leisure without a male Fortune 500 CEO escorting them. Now it’s just the other 99.9% of us schmucks who will never be able to play this course once in our lifetimes. Hooray! Read more on Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club…
  derp derp where's the civility

The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry

The very serious “DUMP BIDEN 4 HILLARY?” speculation that our pal Ed Henry questioned the White House press secretary about yesterday got a real kick today when author Ed Klein, who’s right up there with World Net Daily in terms of credibility, reported (/talked to his own butt) that Hillary Clinton rejected the vice presidency two weeks ago. The Weekly Standard went seeking confirmation and got a nice little poem from one of Clinton’s aides in response. Read more on The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry…
  investigative political reporting

‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS

Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends? Read more on ‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS…