Author Archives: Jim Newell

Full Name: Jim Newell Website:
Info: Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.
  today in todd

Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points

This morning a Rasmussen poll came out showing Missouri magical fetal dumphead, Rep. Todd Akin, trailing Sen. Claire McCaskill by 10 percentage points, 48% to 38%. Considering that any GOP Senate candidate who can spell his own name was expected to be leading McCaskill by 10 to 15 points consistently through November, this is considered a poor polling result for the congressman — even though Rasmussen’s famous Republican bias this week would probably exaggerate the margin, since Republicans all want him to quit the race. Is that the spin Todd Akin’s campaign is taking? It’s a fine spin, as spinnery goes. What about simply ignoring the poll? That works too! Or there’s the option of saying that, uhh, the poll shows that Claire McCaskill should drop out of the race, which, comically, is the one Akin’s campaign is running with. Read more on Ha Ha, Look At How Todd Akin’s Campaign Tries To Spin Losing By 10 Points…
  niccccccceee

Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run

They say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t). Read more on Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run…
  censorship

Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech

The Mitt Romney for President 2012 campaign had a smashing idea for night one of next week’s convention: Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,” don’t you know. Have you heard? Once the world meets Ann Romney, nothing but Endless Victory will follow. And yet problems have arisen: (1) Ann Romney’s opening act will be a hurricane that levels the city of Tampa and (2) CBS, ABC and NBC won’t even be showing the speech. Instead they’re airing repeats of what, one thing about a detective, another one about fairy tales. A Hawaii thing. (They are all about detectives.) Read more on Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech…
  the evil liberal media

Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!

Fox News loves the troops, protects the troops, and will stand in the way of anyone who would hurt the troops and national security and the heartland and troop families, and such. Just last year, when New York’s gay carnival blog Gawker tried to guess the name of the CIA’s “Bin Laden Hunter,” the outlet was trashed and condemned on both the Fox News website and teevee channels forever and ever. That would be putting that HERO’s life in danger! That was a year ago. Now did you hear that there’s a member of SEAL Team 6 writing a Bin Laden raid tell-all, under a pseudonym? Fox News would like to tell you his name! Read more on Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!…
  just hear him out you guys

Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover

Now here’s a case, maybe the only case, for raising taxes that could appeal to Bold Conservatives, straight from Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas: If that there Obamer fella were to win reelection, God Almighty forbid, and hand over American sovereignty to the United Nations, there’d be such righteous civil unrest in the streets that the administration would quickly send in U.N. troops — so a 1.7% property tax increase would be well worth it to help bolster Lubbock County law enforcement before they’re forced to fend off said U.N. troops. Well, in that case, sure? Raise it five, ten percent, whatever you want, judge. Read more on Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover…
  leave todd akin alone!

Rep. Joe Walsh Just Doesn’t Get Why Everyone Slammed Todd Akin Like That

Now that Missouri’s finest reproductive sorcerer Rep. Todd Akin is “in it,” by which we mean his Senate race, so as “to win it,” we should expect to see many on the right to start saying, oh well, maybe we were too hard on the ol’ galoot after all. It was just one sentence, right? These things happen. And Illinois father of the millennium Rep. Joe Walsh is out early to shield his colleague from those who would have his head. “What he said was offensive, insulting and wrong, but I’m bothered by this rush to pile on,” Walsh told a group of Young Republicans yesterday. “And I’m bothered by the silence of members of our own party to stand up for him.” Read more on Rep. Joe Walsh Just Doesn’t Get Why Everyone Slammed Todd Akin Like That…
  endless derp

Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)

Vaginal magic expert Rep. Todd Akin has just gone on the Mike Huckabee radio show to announce his final decision before today’s 5:00 drop-out deadline and LOL, he’s staying in. The reason is the same as yesterday: 9/11, and how the first responders wouldn’t want him to quit!…?? Hoo boy. We could see this coming, his defiant non-quitting of the Missouri Senate race, as soon as the National Review posted an editorial calling on him to drop out yesterday. When does that ever work? Read more on Todd Akin’s Final Answer: He’s In It To Win It! (Also Too, 9/11)…
  wonkette sports desk

Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club

Ahh, so now we know why lying war monster Condolleezza Rice was going around giving wingnut speeches about socialism and such-like. It wasn’t about getting on the presidential ticket — who even wants that? — it was about becoming the first female member of August National golf club, a goal that she attained today. She, along with Darla Moore, an insanely rich finance lady, can now navigate the lush fairways of America’s finest golf course at their leisure without a male Fortune 500 CEO escorting them. Now it’s just the other 99.9% of us schmucks who will never be able to play this course once in our lifetimes. Hooray! Read more on Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club…
  derp derp where's the civility

The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry

The very serious “DUMP BIDEN 4 HILLARY?” speculation that our pal Ed Henry questioned the White House press secretary about yesterday got a real kick today when author Ed Klein, who’s right up there with World Net Daily in terms of credibility, reported (/talked to his own butt) that Hillary Clinton rejected the vice presidency two weeks ago. The Weekly Standard went seeking confirmation and got a nice little poem from one of Clinton’s aides in response. Read more on The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry…
  investigative political reporting

‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS

Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends? Read more on ‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS…
  the greatest scandal of our times

Secret Service Denies Existence of Any So-Called ‘Cupcake Mutiny’

Yesterday we examined a blind quote, as reported by a local Virginia TV station, about how the Secret Service agents working for Joe Biden “thanked” bakery owner Chris McMurray for rejecting a visit form the the vice president and “standing up” to the evil Obama campaign Chicago-style photo-op machine’s YOU DIDN’T BAKE THAT juggernaut of shame. It wouldn’t have been too shocking if a Secret Service agent got carried away in some form — hummina hummina! — but it also would have been a very risky career move to be politicking on the job like that. Our best guess was that the agents bought cookies and stuff from the baker as a common move to thank them for the inconvenience. And also because they wanted cookies and stuff. A Secret Service spokesperson has now offered comment saying, yeah, what the Wonkette blog said. (Paraphrase.) Read more on Secret Service Denies Existence of Any So-Called ‘Cupcake Mutiny’…
  maybe

Ed Henry Asks The Dumbest Question in American History

Fox News White House Correspondent Ed Henry has already written the worst article in American history, so why not throw the dumbest question in American history onto his resume as well? THE BACKGROUND: There has been all sorts of Hot Buzz (John McCain has been babbling during one of his Ambien trips) about whether Joe Biden will be dropped from the ticket after saying the words “chains.” So here’s what Ed Henry asked Jay Carney at Thursday’s White House press conference: “Let’s just settle it, once and for all, all of this speculation — this is the ticket, Obama/Biden?” Read more on Ed Henry Asks The Dumbest Question in American History…
  you didn't bake that

Did The Secret Service Thank This Wingnut Baker For ‘Standing Up’?

By now many of you are familiar with the story of the greatest motherfucking American of all time, Chris McMurray, the Virginia bakery owner who turned down a requested stop from Vice President Biden yesterday over President Obama’s “YOU DINNT BUILD THAT” comment. He did build it, see! He makes cupcakes and stuff, with his wife, at Crumb and Get It. (McMurray/Santelli ’16?) Anyway, there’s a side detail reported in one version of this story that is now all over the conservative papers and the Drudge Report. According to the Washington Examiner, the “Secret Service officers associated with Vice President Joe Biden bought a pile of cupcakes from the baker who refused to host Biden at his shop — and they did so out of gratitude.” Maybe they did! Maybe they didn’t? Because making personal political statements against the people you’re on duty to protect doesn’t seem to be in the Secret Service agent job description; it would be a strange risk to take. Read more on Did The Secret Service Thank This Wingnut Baker For ‘Standing Up’?…
  s'all good

Mitt Romney Went Back And Looked at His Tax Returns For Us!

Finally, a little class in American politics. Instead of merely releasing the past ten years of his income tax returns to the public, Mitt Romney took it upon himself to go back and examine the returns for us. He has great news to deliver! “Every year I’ve paid at least 13 percent,” Romney said in South Carolina today, “and if you add in addition the amount that goes to charity, why the number gets well above 20 percent.” Read more on Mitt Romney Went Back And Looked at His Tax Returns For Us!…
  that should do it

Everyone Go Sign Mitt Romney’s ‘Stop Hitting Me’ Petition

Mitt Romney has a never-ending list of complaints about things President Obama is not allowed to criticize him on — Medicare, his business career, taxes, things of that nature — but the Obama campaign simply won’t stop. The only way to stop this now is to get the people involved. We must all sign this petition to get our names in the Romney contact database end the hurtful attacks on Mitt Romney during this most important of elections. Will you, reader, “sign [this] petition if you agree President Obama should take his campaign of division and anger and hate back to Chicago”? Read more on Everyone Go Sign Mitt Romney’s ‘Stop Hitting Me’ Petition…
  where are they now?

A Children’s Treasury of Donald Trump Hollering At Former Wonkette Writers

What happens to our former scribes when they leave the fairest pastures of Your Wonkette for the “real world”? Some of them go to Time, some start cults in the desert, some come back to Wonkette for additional “funnin’ on the Internet.” Everyone else just gets yelled at by Donald Trump after writing funny insults about him. It turns out that instead of closing Big Deals all day, Trump mostly just reads people making fun of him on the Internet and has his assistants “fire back” by drafting a letter, or a tweet. Most recently, Salon’s Alex Pareene, who edited Wonkette in the 1950s or so, joined the rest of the Internet in making fun of Trump’s secret plans for the Republican National Convention yesterday, earning himself the hilarious tweeted response you see up top. Who else has transgressed our nation’s greatest vulgar fathead businessman in such a way as to merit a petty response? Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Donald Trump Hollering At Former Wonkette Writers…
  gubmint beer

Barack Obama Is One Of Those Annoying People Who Can’t Stop Talking About His Home Brew

You know the type. Maybe you are this type? Let’s keep it quiet, if so. The type we’re describing: The person who’s always trying to get you to sample the craft beer he (it is usually a “he”) brewed in his home. “You have got to try this beer I made.” “Ehh, just let me drink my Coors Light in peace…” “No — you have got to try my beer. It’s so good.” “Yup I bet it is.” “No, but it’s like, beer, with a taste of honey. It’s so good, I’m really proud of myself.” This person is Barack Obama, who can’t stop babbling about his White House honey brew on the trail now. He’s been drinking this for years! Read more on Barack Obama Is One Of Those Annoying People Who Can’t Stop Talking About His Home Brew…
  so much dignity here

Romney Declares ‘FIRST!’ With Savvy, Ludicrous Medicare Ad

Oh goodie, the Very Serious Campaign About Our Series National Issues that was predicted after Mitt Romney’s selection of Paul Ryan is proceeding just as expected with this ad, in which the Romney-Ryan campaign explains to seniors that it’s Obama who guts Medicare, not the Paul Ryan-worshipping Republican party. We explained this paper-thin plan of the Romney campaign’s to “define” Paul Ryan earlier. Read more on Romney Declares ‘FIRST!’ With Savvy, Ludicrous Medicare Ad…
  too adorable

Adventures In Twee-Politicking: Jesse Eisenberg Is in a Mongolian Yurt; Thinks You Should Vote For Obama

Quick: What is the most too-cute grating indie celebrity thing disguised as political activism venture you can imagine this election season? Michelle Williams farming in Ethiopia and blogging, on a website created by Dave Eggers, about how you should vote for Barack Obama because of diversity? Close! It’s actually Jesse Eisenberg staying in a yurt in Mongolia and blogging, on a website created by Dave Eggers, about how you should vote for Barack Obama because he “understands the world writ large.” Read more on Adventures In Twee-Politicking: Jesse Eisenberg Is in a Mongolian Yurt; Thinks You Should Vote For Obama…
  today in funny surrogates

John Sununu Accuses CNN Of Pilfering Talking Points From the ‘Democratic Blog Boards’

So here’s what appears to be the Romney-Ryan camp’s plan for combatting accusations that Paul Ryan wants to gut Medicare through couponization and Mitt Romney endorsed that plan during the primaries: Saying that Mitt Romney has his own plan that has nothing to do with Paul Ryan, while claiming that it’s actually the Democrats who gutted Medicare by ending an estimated $700 billion in overpayments to Medicare Advantage providers. Shorter version: It is the Democrats who want to destroy Medicare, not the Republicans who have put Paul Ryan on their presidential ticket. Hmm, seems a bit thin; perhaps a bit more thought should have gone into this “let’s put Paul Ryan on our presidential ticket” thing. But if that messaging fails, Republicans do have a backup plan: Get dear old New Hamphire coot John Sununu to go on the teevee and holler at the host. Read more on John Sununu Accuses CNN Of Pilfering Talking Points From the ‘Democratic Blog Boards’…
  should've gone with newt

Mitt Romney Offers Truce In Which Criticism of Mitt Romney Would Be Banned

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha… ha… ah ha: “Romney also said in the interview he would like a pledge (of sorts) with Obama that there be no ‘personal’ attack ads. ‘[O]ur campaign would be — helped immensely if we had an agreement between both campaigns that we were only going to talk about issues and that attacks based upon — business or family or taxes or things of that nature.'” Okay… okay… let’s consider this… HAHAHAH, hahahahah, ha ha ha ha ha, sorry, we can’t do it, ha ha ha… what a world. Even the good little brown-noser people at Politico have written, “What is surprising is hearing a candidate say, essentially, ‘stop hitting me.'” Read more on Mitt Romney Offers Truce In Which Criticism of Mitt Romney Would Be Banned…