Author Archives: Jim Newell

Full Name: Jim Newell Website:
Info: Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.
  leave god alone

DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane

The Democratic draft platform is cruising right through to completion! You know, just going through a few little amendments via voice vote. Like this business about inserting the word “God” back into the platform and recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Well, one is a semantic issue and the other goes against longstanding U.S. policy but hey, the Republicans were criticizing Democrats over it, which automatically forces Democrats to cave. There was a bit of a planning hitch, however: What if the voice votes are… really close? Perhaps there ought to be a procedure for resolving those accurately, lest the party look incompetent? (BECAUSE THIS ONE ABOUT GOD/JEWS STUFF LOOKED VERY INCOMPETENT.) Read more on DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane…
  the end of racism

Romney Campaign Announces Its Perfunctory Black Outreach Thingy

Are you black, and a Republican? Congratulations! Oh, you didn’t hear? You’ve just been named to the Romney campaign’s Black Leadership Council. Your duty: to say the exact same Republican talking points as everyone else, while being black. Now since the polls show Romney earning the support of a whole 0% of the African American vote, some might say that the party already maxed out its support among this particular demographic. And since the Republican party has successfully disenfranchised 100% of African American voters in the United States, it’s hard to see many additional converts in the offing. Just keep it from falling into negative territory, please! Good? Okay, now go away… Read more on Romney Campaign Announces Its Perfunctory Black Outreach Thingy…
  sweet sweet air conditioning

Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody

Hooray, thank God for sending some lightning Charlotte’s way and finally convincing these Obama campaign folks to move the acceptance speech inside. This stadium business is so 2008, so blahhhh. Just give your happy rah-rah chat in the damn arena, like every other schmuck. In any event, what is Obama hiding and lying about now? According to the AP, a secret insider source who’s known as a “top Charlotte meteorologist” — the weather guy on the local teevee news — “says there is virtually no threat of severe weather Thursday night as Democratic officials move President Barack Obama’s convention speech indoors.” And even if there was a *little* lightning, who cares; it would only kill one, maybe two, two or three people — probably total losers. Something else must be up! Let’s ask the Internet/make stuff up! Read more on Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody…
  hard times

Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs

There is a crisis, in Charlotte, that outweighs all other crises in America — including “the gaffes” — right now: the DNC assigned reporters to a bunch of shitty motels and they’re unhappy. And how does the Democratic platform address this? What about the Republican platform? Not a mention, proving once and for all that this is the most unserious presidential race we’ve ever witnessed. Now your Wonkette, which is first and foremost a Rich Person’s Blog, made accommodations at a palatial, 17th century French-style estate with a stable of 400 dancing horses. Maybe if these others reporters ever got off the welfare and got jobs for once in their pathetic lives, they could live the Wonkette 1% life, too. For now, let’s read tragic descriptions from the National Review of the squalor that we, as a nation, have allowed our proud national political reporter class to all die in. Read more on Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs…
  secret histories

Eric Cantor Honors America’s Unsung Managerial Class on Labor Day

The Republican party loves Labor Day so much that it’s gone and created a whole new special double version of it, on the same day. This one, however, celebrates the historical enemy of organized labor, the Noble Small Businessman. Everyone, quick, whip your cat’o nine tails at the nearest laborers to honor the owners of capital. “Today,” Richmond plantation master Rep. Eric Cantor wrote on the Twitter yesterday, “we celebrate those who have taken a risk, worked hard, built a business and earned their own success.” So yeah, he got Labor Day exactly wrong, but he knows that, and that’s why he’s generally considered an unlikable person. Read more on Eric Cantor Honors America’s Unsung Managerial Class on Labor Day…
  peggy's world

Peggy Noonan Saw a (New) Mexican (Governor)

Greeteries, subjects. It is I, thy lord Mme. HRH Miss Peggington Noonington, queene word-smither of thine Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, and good heavens, the thingingtons that I Hath Seen in Tampa, polis of knaves and Deville Rays. Myne dispatchery hath been postington’d on the vulgarian electrico-blogge, vulgarly titled “Peggy Noonan’s Opinion Blog,” that mine Editors hath force upponeth Mee, for the increasery of Companie Revenues. I want-ingshire nothing of this robotico insta-sorcery; it is Beneathe Mee. Goode Heavens! Onwarding, then, to this se’en-day’s Declarations, myne column of souls. Dost thou rememberest, slave, the time that I eyed the visage of a Mexican? (This one time, I, Peggy Noonan, saweth a Mexican.) Now, a second sighting: I hath seen another Mexican, a “Susana Martinez,” Lord-Regent of the “New” Mexico territory. She resembleth a Mexican, from the Television drameries I vieweth in myne New-Amdersdamme skypod, on drugs. Read more on Peggy Noonan Saw a (New) Mexican (Governor)…
  today in murder

Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe

Yesterday Karl Rove met with a group of billionaires in a secret room in Tampa, where he suggested that murdering Todd Akin might be an appropriate means of delivering his party to higher, more Senate-controlling vistas. It’s about time Karl Rove considered this, the murder of Todd Akin. Wasn’t it sort of obvious…? Read more on Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe…
  the cayman islands sound awesome

Romney Campaign Throws Fancy Party on Cayman Island Yacht

“Romney Party Yacht Flies Cayman Islands Flag,” reads the headline! Now that your idiot Wonkette blogger has wasted the last 90 minutes trying to determine with other Twitter people if it’s a Cayman or Bermuda flag — it’s a Brian Ross report, after all — it does in fact appear to be the “other,” more red Cayman flag, a.k.a. the Cayman civil ensign that Cayman boat people put on their Cayman boats. So, to return to where we started: Romney Party Yacht Flies Cayman Islands Flag! The yacht is called Cracker Bay, and that’s not a joke either. Read more on Romney Campaign Throws Fancy Party on Cayman Island Yacht…
  losers

A Look Back At The Long Political Career of Ben Quayle

Dan Quayle’s weird kid, Congressman Ben, has had a long, fruitful tour through the halls of American power. He made his name writing pornography about all the bitchez he slammed in Scottsdale, for a blog. He made a comical ad where he called Barack Obama the worst president in history. He made more dumb creepy ads. He won his 2010 congressional race thanks to the big bucks he pulled in from daddy’s friends, like George H.W. Bush. Then he went party swimming in the Sea of Galilee, to procure water for his daughter’s baptism. And last night he lost his congressional primary, ha ha ha. He’s done. Boo! Read more on A Look Back At The Long Political Career of Ben Quayle…
  you didn't build that ronald reagan did

Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes

Some good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits… Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes…
  programming

Your Wonkette Tuesday Liveblogging & Tampa Party Details

Two Things: Your Wonkette communist overlord Rebecca Schoenkopf will be hosting a Wonkette Party tonight in Tampa, at “six or seven,” which is basically right now. Go to this place: MacDinton’s, 405 South Howard Avenue Tampa, Florida 33606 (813)251-8999 Read more on Your Wonkette Tuesday Liveblogging & Tampa Party Details…
  aww

Big Gubmint’s So-Called ‘Probation’ Keeps James O’Keefe Out of Tampa

What has the mean old federal government done to rising indie filmmaker James O’Keefe now? They won’t even let him go to Tampa for a speaking gig. Today he was scheduled to speak and take questions at a luncheon hosted by the James Madison Institute, some winger think tank or another. Now he’s doing that by Skype, because there’s a little thing called “probation” on his record from that time he and his idiot friends tried to break into the telephone system of a federal building in Louisiana, to record a Senator. Why are government laws suppressing James O’Keefe like this? Read more on Big Gubmint’s So-Called ‘Probation’ Keeps James O’Keefe Out of Tampa…
  secret weather plots

A Children’s Treasury of Contrarian Republican Commentary on Hurricane Isaac

What is Hurricane Isaac to certain more outspoken member of the Republican party? A disaster, perhaps, that could destroy the northern Gulf Coast yet again? Maybe it’s an Obama Commerce Department conspiracy. Or a welcome opening of the skies that keeps Joe Biden away. Or maybe it’s nothing, and no one should give a shit, as long as Republicans win the election. Let’s share some Republican “takes” on Hurricane Isaac, the official storm of RNC2K12. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Contrarian Republican Commentary on Hurricane Isaac…
  wonkette book chat

A Wonkette Interview With ‘Bailout’ Author Neil Barofsky, Part I

Welcome to your Monday Wonkette Interview Post! We were fortunate enough to speak with former Special Inspector General for TARP (SIGTARP!) Neil Barofsky over the telephone, whose new memoir Bailout, recounting his stint in Washington from late 2008 until early 2010, is flying off the shelves of bookstores like the dickens. The book’s theme is, “everything in Washington is completely screwed so let me terrify you with endless stories about this.” It’s the feel-good beach book of the summer! Your Wonkette got to meet Barofsky during our early summer jaunt to Netroots Nation, where he and a few other hardasses held an extraordinary panel on the foreclosure fraud crisis, and the general lack of justice for victims of bank malpractice over the past however many years. The panel was almost as unsparing in its criticisms as Bailout is in its — for both the Bush and Obama administrations. And revealing! The very first scene, see, shows former Merrill Lynch executive and TARP “czar” meeting Barofsky for drinks and telling him to back off his investigations, or the “tone” of them at least, if he ever wants to get another decent job for the rest of his life. Just like in the movies!… but very, very, very, very real. Read more on A Wonkette Interview With ‘Bailout’ Author Neil Barofsky, Part I…
  don't feed the tracker troll

Republican Tracker Successfully Comes To Near-Fisticuffs With Elizabeth Warren’s Hired Muscle

Who is this manly man protecting Elizabeth Warren? Some funny guy… who gives Elizabeth Warren problems that she probably doesn’t need right now? Watch, as this annoying Republican tracker gets exactly what he wants from the fella in the green hat: a little camera shove and some comical threats. Read more on Republican Tracker Successfully Comes To Near-Fisticuffs With Elizabeth Warren’s Hired Muscle…
  the furry report

Early Furry & Sex Magazine Sightings in Tampa

Your Wonkette editor Rebecca is currently en route to Tampa, or dragged out to sea in the worst hurricane ever, who knows, but we’ve been getting crucial news reports from Tampa all weekend anyway. “I’ve seen two furries already and I haven’t event left the airport,” Former Wonkette and current Reason Paultard correspondent Garrett Quinn wrote on Saturday, sending along these photos. This is a some sort of Tampa bird, perhaps the devil ray. Read more on Early Furry & Sex Magazine Sightings in Tampa…
  wonkette at the movies

That Wacky Dinesh D’Souza Obamapocalypse Documentary: All The Rage in Cinema!

The wingers are clicking their heels this morning, as the documentary 2016: Obama’s America, based on the widely condemned works of pretend scholar troll Dinesh D’Souza, hit number 8 at the weekend box office! With total a haul of 9 million dollars, it is now the “#1 all-time biggest-grossing conservative political documentary,” which is… it’s quite a thing. And to think that your Wonkette sneered at such a dynamic work six months ago: shame on us. What is this movie like? We just watched the trailer and, sorry to be predictable here, but yeah, it looks racist. Read more on That Wacky Dinesh D’Souza Obamapocalypse Documentary: All The Rage in Cinema!…
  no really

25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention

25. Paul Ryan will poop his pants while giving a speech, it will be hella embarrassing. 24. A Florida alligator will eat Marco Rubio and then go “we all saw this coming.” 23. Chris Christie will pour local seawater all over his tits. 22. An elephant will fly in from outer space and crash into the Tampa arena and have babies everywhere. 21. Editor Rebecca will save Rep. Virginia Foxx from the hurricane and then they’ll do a bunch of cocaine. Read more on 25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention…
  dumb horrible people everywhere

RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians

Today is Wonkette Manifest Destiny history day! Well, there was this General Custer once who got himself and all his men killed after killing a ton of Indians himself. New Mexico GOP lobbyist and prominent local RNC official Pat Rogers remembers this well. It sears his every moment of consciousness. And he is absolutely furious that New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez agreed to meet with American Indians. “The state is going to hell,” Rogers wrote in an email. “Col. Weh [Martinez’s 2010 primary opponent] would not have dishonored Col. Custer in this manner.” Uhhh… Read more on RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians…
  pretty cool idol bro

Mitt Romney Wants To Be Your New James K. Polk

Which 19th century president do Mitt Romney’s advisors want him to be? Karl Rove always hoped that George W. Bush would live up to his idol, William McKinley and… well, George W. Bush sucked, as president, however that stacks up. According to campaign manager Matt Rhoades, Romney has another one-term (but un-shot) president in mind: James K. Polk, who fought the wacky Mexicans and shook his fist right-good at those British fucks in Canada, for Oregon. Romney, according to Rhoades, could be the James K. Polk of entitlements! Now isn’t that a future that we can all stand up and hug? Read more on Mitt Romney Wants To Be Your New James K. Polk…