Jim Newell
Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.
Your Wonkette was walking through the hallway at CPAC on Friday only to find this pagan shouting dance underway to celebrate Mitt Romney, conservatives’ cherished leader.
Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then [...]
Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big [...]
Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom [...]
Here’s the beloved Conservative Comedian, Brad Stine, giving his lighthearted send-off to CPAC 2012 DAY 1 yesterday. Your Wonkette would’ve gone to watch him personally but was busy doing anything else. What’s his joke? Americans are such wusses now with their basic car safety measures. Ha! Ehh. If you listen really closely you can hear [...]
Day one at CPAC is over! Your Wonkette has already waited in line with Mark Block, the famous cigarette smoker, sat in a lounge near Pam Geller, and not had Internet access for hours at a time. Will you ever see this post, dear readers? Let’s hope for a lil’ CPAC internet connection magick.
Good news: They let us in! Bad News: They let us in. The Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre is much like a mall where you can’t find anything except the big anchor store, which is Mitch McConnell. But alas, after stepping over a few mass graves, we checked into CPAC for Wonkete.com. Jesus, even [...]
Ohio Gov. John Kasich gave his State of the State speech this week and how did that go, The Hill? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.’” Sounds like it went well. [...]
Rick Santorum knew just what the Jews of South Carolina wanted to hear around Hanukkah time: A quote from Jesus in the New Testament threatening people who don’t follow him. That means you, Jews! Oh, brother. Also: “Holiday Season”? There is no such thing. Rick Santorum hates Christmas. [via Hunter Walker]
Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia [...]
The pussies (meant lovingly) (ehh) who run CNN have suspended a member of the network’s “Best Political Team on Television,” Roland Martin, the jovial ascot-wearing fellow who appears on television to play with David Gergen and Ari Fleischer on election nights. Did he kidnap Wolf Blitzer’s wife or something? No, we’ve all done that. He [...]
Only one more day until CPAC, and the Revolution! Your Wonkette is pissing its pants just looking at the bill of events and all the exciting opportunities to learn about how dumb liberals are. Why does the bathroom have to be so far away, anyway? Nevermind. Let’s just figure out which of these panel thingies/cocktail [...]
Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing [...]
Here’s Rick Santorum’s Twitter reaction to today’s developments regarding the homosexuals of California. Did he read the news? Rights were restored! Good heavens sweet Jesus man. But maybe we’re wrong. Let’s see what the responses to this were like, on Twitter.
The DC-area Occupy people, having been kicked out of their park this weekend, have a fun new thing in the works: Occupying CPAC. It’s just around the corner, so why not? According to the Occupiers’ website, they will “march to the Marriott” to “create as much non-violent resistance as possible, and make this a conference [...]
