Matt Langer

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12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary

12) That time Michele Bachmann compared herself to a serial killer. 11) Stress-eating at the mere sight of Chuck Todd's facial hair. 10) Donald Trump's very good relationship with "the blacks." 9) Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin. 8) "The Original, Famous Ron Paul Survival...

The War Against the Machines Unfolding in Iraqi Airspace

NEW YORK—We left you on Friday with some rather unsettling developments in the coming War Against the Machines, and we're afraid to report there's more bad news on that front today: the US military apparently left behind some drones...

Conservatives Dumb, Says Science

NEW YORK—Hey look! It's that time of year again, and the semi-annual release of some or another study claiming that conservatives are stupid has finally landed on liberal doorsteps across America. Perfect timing, really! Since, you know, the one...

Newt Gingrich Pledges Moon Base to Aid Interplanetary Tourism Sector

NEW YORK—So here is a thing that happened: Newt Gingrich said four preposterous things yesterday in the span of a single sentence. Let's parse it! "By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base...

Happy Mitt Romney Tax Return Day!

NEW YORK—Hello! Are you all gathered inside a quiet room? Yes? Good, because now we can all finally discuss the subject of Mitt Romney's tax returns. Which are amazing!! And sure, yes, we admit we're only fascinated with them...

Mitt Romney Believes in an American America Full of American Americans

NEW YORK—It really is a sick, masochistic thing we do, waking up every morning and watching "Morning Jo(k)e." The only way we endure is to make a game of it: how long will we make it today before Joe...

If You’re Not Whiplashed You’re Not Paying Attention (Which Would Have Been a Good Idea Yesterday!)

NEW YORK—It's a rare thing in the business of 24-hour political pontificating, but every so often the relentless onslaught of inane prattle issuing forth from somewhere in the vicinity of that horrifically manicured hair growth attached to Chuck Todd's...

Iowa GOP Still Having Trouble Counting Extremely Small Number

NEW YORK—So here's a thing. One time, when we were in the seventh grade, our science teacher offered up an extra credit assignment: write down for him on notebook paper all the numbers between one and one million, and...

Crazy People Paid Mitt Romney $50K to Talk for One Hour

As we all surely know by now, the internet is basically turning off today. Or parts of it at least: the #SOPAblackout protest is actually a pretty good bellwether of which sites are genuinely on board with the cause...

Rick Perry Suspiciously Not THAT Opposed to Peeing on Dead People

NEW YORK—Well there was an awards ceremony last night! And we spotted former Connecticut senator and Motion Picture Association of America chairman Chris Dodd in the audience, who was looking in especially high spirits—at least considering that his beloved...

Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar

NEW YORK—You guys, YOU GUYS, set your DVRs now because seriously YOU CAN'T SCRIPT THIS STUFF: Area fat man and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie filmed an interview with Oprah yesterday, set to air Sunday at 9PM on Oprah's...

Happy Birthday Guantanamo Bay! Why Aren’t You Dead Yet!

NEW YORK—Good morning! How's everyone feeling today? We're not feeling so hot ourselves, grasping for our coffee and ibuprofen after so much festive celebration yesterday of the ten year anniversary of that terrible thing we did (and continue to...

Obama Wins First in the Nation New Hampshire Pre-Primary

NEW YORK—It's Republican primary day in New Hampshire, and the nine registered voters of the tiny northern hamlet of Dixville Notch—who in their quadrennial tradition head to the polls just moments after midnight on election days so as to...

Republicans Finally Done Talking in New Hampshire

NEW YORK—You know, some of us who thought the Iraq War was a dumb idea might still be just a little bit bitter about having been accused time and again of being unpatriotic America-haters by war proponents on the...

BREAKING: Santorum Said Something Stupid

NEW YORK—Boy what a feeling it is to wake up and read every newspaper and blog post and tweet in the English speaking world and discover that apparently the only thing newsworthy that happened anywhere in the world yesterday...

Republicans Outraged that Obama is Obstructing their Obstruction

NEW YORK—Ok, picture it: the President has brought an appointment before the Senate for approval. And it's a curious appointment! Because it's a nominee who actually fundamentally does not quite like the department he's supposed to be heading. In...