Author Archives: Matt Langer

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12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary

12) That time Michele Bachmann compared herself to a serial killer. 11) Stress-eating at the mere sight of Chuck Todd’s facial hair. 10) Donald Trump’s very good relationship with “the blacks.” 9) Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin. 8) “The Original, Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit.” 7) Tim Pawlenty. (He was so benign!) Read more on 12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary…
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The War Against the Machines Unfolding in Iraqi Airspace

NEW YORK—We left you on Friday with some rather unsettling developments in the coming War Against the Machines, and we’re afraid to report there’s more bad news on that front today: the US military apparently left behind some drones during its “withdrawal” from Iraq last December—and the Iraqi people are not happy about this! (something something nobody could have predicted.) The State Department has contracted a “small fleet” of drones to serve as part of a security detail for the various American diplomats still remaining in Iraq. “The State Department drones,” reports the Times, “carry no weapons and… are much smaller than armed drones, with wingspans as short as 18 inches, compared with 55 feet for the Predators.” Catch that? “Much much smaller than armed drones”—as if this is supposed to comfort us! No, sorry, this is even more terrifying. Because, seriously, think about it: if those 55-foot Predators are basically like the Decepticons of the War Against the Machines, then these little foot-and-a-half long guys are like that one miniature Transformer jobber that turned himself into a boombox and hacked Air Force One. Well! Happy Monday, everyone: we all live in a Michael Bay movie now. Read more on The War Against the Machines Unfolding in Iraqi Airspace…
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Conservatives Dumb, Says Science

NEW YORK—Hey look! It’s that time of year again, and the semi-annual release of some or another study claiming that conservatives are stupid has finally landed on liberal doorsteps across America. Perfect timing, really! Since, you know, the one thing the country needs right now more than just about anything else is yet another excuse to avoid the hard work of looking at those we disagree with as equal partners in a national conversation, people who we must engage with and convince—and, oh, maybe as a result challenge ourselves to check our work and, you know, make better arguments! But hey, now we can all let ourselves off the hook and just deride them as all a bunch of idiots who aren’t even worth talking to in the first place. Thank you, science! Yes, this is quite obviously how we will move forward together as a nation. (It was the dramatic improvement in the quality of the national discourse evidenced after the last two dozen times a study like this was published that gives us so much faith.) Read more on Conservatives Dumb, Says Science…
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Newt Gingrich Pledges Moon Base to Aid Interplanetary Tourism Sector

NEW YORK—So here is a thing that happened: Newt Gingrich said four preposterous things yesterday in the span of a single sentence. Let’s parse it! “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.” Ok, first: a moon base! Which, right, is just patently ridiculous. But moving on: it will be American! Because of course it would be, or, well, at least when you’re the sort of person who will not rest until the entirety of the Middle East is remade in the American image. Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.) Read more on Newt Gingrich Pledges Moon Base to Aid Interplanetary Tourism Sector…
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Happy Mitt Romney Tax Return Day!

NEW YORK—Hello! Are you all gathered inside a quiet room? Yes? Good, because now we can all finally discuss the subject of Mitt Romney’s tax returns. Which are amazing!! And sure, yes, we admit we’re only fascinated with them because of our “envy” and “class warfare” and whatever else, but still: this is important to talk about! And no better time than now, because on the one hand we have a very unlikeable man who nobody seems to like very much (because he’s basically a robot) who’s taking up the mantle of “free enterprise” (read: “ruthless greed”)—a man whose tax plan would see his rock-bottom rate go unchanged (or get decreased, depending on who you ask) while actually raising it on incomes under $40k—and he’s offering up a very different vision for the country compared with that of cuddly hipster bespectacled uber-billionaire Warren Buffet—who just wants to ring in Chinese New Years by playing the ukulele and also maybe see rich people pay their fair share in taxes. Unlikeable robot man vs. cuddly hipster bespectacled ukulele-playing uber-billionaire? Yes! Let’s definitely keep talking about this. Read more on Happy Mitt Romney Tax Return Day!…
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Mitt Romney Believes in an American America Full of American Americans

NEW YORK—It really is a sick, masochistic thing we do, waking up every morning and watching “Morning Jo(k)e.” The only way we endure is to make a game of it: how long will we make it today before Joe Scarborough reminds us he was a three-term congressman? (Jan. 23: ~two-and-a-half minutes.) But in any event! Sometimes those goofballs end up fixating on something we missed, like this morning when Joe was afforded the chance to start our Monday morning off with a smile through the unlikely vessel of Mark Steyn, who wrote this lovely thing in the National Review yesterday: “Why is the stump speech so awful? ‘I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.’ Mitt paid some guy to write this insipid pap. And he paid others to approve it.” God that is good. We were so busy showering ourselves with foamy Cristal spray after President Obama’s big win in South Carolina that we missed this twenty-six word sentence from Mitt in which fully twenty-three percent of the words were “America.” Kind of like Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo—for patriots! Read more on Mitt Romney Believes in an American America Full of American Americans…
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If You’re Not Whiplashed You’re Not Paying Attention (Which Would Have Been a Good Idea Yesterday!)

NEW YORK—It’s a rare thing in the business of 24-hour political pontificating, but every so often the relentless onslaught of inane prattle issuing forth from somewhere in the vicinity of that horrifically manicured hair growth attached to Chuck Todd’s face actually manages to congeal into something sensible. Moments like this are quite rare! And so it’s an occasion worth noting when what amounts to the Halley’s Comet of professional punditry comes circling around the beltway in one of its trademark 76-year appearances. Here’s what Chuck Todd said: “Books about this campaign will have chapters simply titled: ‘January 19th.'” Which is a fine way to summarize everything that happened yesterday! (Even if you’re not the sort of person who thinks Mark Halperin has any business whatsoever writing books about presidential campaigns.) Because really: where even to begin? Read more on If You’re Not Whiplashed You’re Not Paying Attention (Which Would Have Been a Good Idea Yesterday!)…
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Iowa GOP Still Having Trouble Counting Extremely Small Number

NEW YORK—So here’s a thing. One time, when we were in the seventh grade, our science teacher offered up an extra credit assignment: write down for him on notebook paper all the numbers between one and one million, and in exchange he would award a report card at the end of the year with straight As. Now we’d already racked up an A- in the first quarter—and endured no shortage of fire and brimstone in our pressure-cooker of an Ivy-League-or-bust household —so we jumped at the chance to strike this blemish from our record. But after a few nights of furious scribbling we realized we’d been had, that this was an exercise in futility, and we gave up somewhere in the vicinity of 50,000. Anyway, moral of the story: this episode has left us shaking our heads over here at just how long it has taken the Iowa GOP to count all fourteen votes (give or take) that were cast at last month’s caucuses. The story developed throughout the night—Santorum really won! What will the Romney campaign’s response be? They’ll call it a “virtual tie”! Wait, we take it back: We’re calling it a “split decision”!—and yet we woke up this morning in a world where none of this actually mattered at all because nobody cares, nothing has changed, Mitt Romney is still going to win this thing, stop talking. Read more on Iowa GOP Still Having Trouble Counting Extremely Small Number… Read more on Iowa GOP Still Having Trouble Counting Extremely Small Number…
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Crazy People Paid Mitt Romney $50K to Talk for One Hour

As we all surely know by now, the internet is basically turning off today. Or parts of it at least: the #SOPAblackout protest is actually a pretty good bellwether of which sites are genuinely on board with the cause (Wikipedia), which sites are aware they could potentially cause the entire global economy to crash if they fully jumped on board with a total site shutdown (Google), and which sites are only willing to play a token part in the whole thing because they’re too busy whoring for pageviews (The Gifzette). Read more on Crazy People Paid Mitt Romney $50K to Talk for One Hour…
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Rick Perry Suspiciously Not THAT Opposed to Peeing on Dead People

NEW YORK—Well there was an awards ceremony last night! And we spotted former Connecticut senator and Motion Picture Association of America chairman Chris Dodd in the audience, who was looking in especially high spirits—at least considering that his beloved SOPA is dead, or sort of dead, or temporarily “put on a shelf” or whatever it is they say, since bills like this have a long-documented sort of zombie thing about them, seeing as: how many years has it been now that we’ve been hearing how we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger? Which: you morons! Of course we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger! Cheeseburgers don’t come in mp3s!! Read more on Rick Perry Suspiciously Not THAT Opposed to Peeing on Dead People…
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Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar

NEW YORK—You guys, YOU GUYS, set your DVRs now because seriously YOU CAN’T SCRIPT THIS STUFF: Area fat man and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie filmed an interview with Oprah yesterday, set to air Sunday at 9PM on Oprah’s eopnymous Network, in which the pair discussed all manner of topical issues ranging from Barack Obama’s politcal acumen to Cory Booker to Facebook to… true love. Which afforded Christie the chance to tell the heartwarming tale of the moment he knew he’d found his one true love. “She was fun in a different way than I’d ever experienced with anybody I’d ever dated. She was very spontaneous,” the Governor told Oprah. When pressed for an example of her romantic spontaneity, Christie recounted the time in college when Mary Pat said “let’s go break into the kitchen in the dining hall at college because we smell that they are baking doughnuts for the next morning, so let’s sneak in and steal some of the doughnuts now.” Swoon! Man, nothing says true love like a mutual fondness for breaking and entering—and pastries! Read more on Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar…
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Happy Birthday Guantanamo Bay! Why Aren’t You Dead Yet!

NEW YORK—Good morning! How’s everyone feeling today? We’re not feeling so hot ourselves, grasping for our coffee and ibuprofen after so much festive celebration yesterday of the ten year anniversary of that terrible thing we did (and continue to do!) in Guantanamo Bay. How did you all ring in the last decade of shadow justice? Did you maybe do something like we did when we found ourselves reaching for the nearest bottle upon seeing that horrific footage of US troops urinating on the bodies of dead soldiers? Because good god. Well, our only advice is to stock up on fluids, because we’ve got another birthday blowout just around the corner, seeing as in just a week it will have been nearly three years now that President Obama hasn’t delivered on his campaign promise to shut that awful thing down. Read more on Happy Birthday Guantanamo Bay! Why Aren’t You Dead Yet!…
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Obama Wins First in the Nation New Hampshire Pre-Primary

NEW YORK—It’s Republican primary day in New Hampshire, and the nine registered voters of the tiny northern hamlet of Dixville Notch—who in their quadrennial tradition head to the polls just moments after midnight on election days so as to ensure the morning news shows have at least a few meaningless tea leaves to read off their teleprompters—have handed a resounding early victory to… President Obama! In what is widely regarded as a statistically precise sample of national voter sentiment, the President secured a resounding one-third of support in a crowded field, leap-frogging Republican rivals Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, both of whom who were tied for second with a mere 22% of the vote. Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul each secured a single vote apiece, while projections indicate that nobody will ever cast another vote for Rick Perry. Read more on Obama Wins First in the Nation New Hampshire Pre-Primary…
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Republicans Finally Done Talking in New Hampshire

NEW YORK—You know, some of us who thought the Iraq War was a dumb idea might still be just a little bit bitter about having been accused time and again of being unpatriotic America-haters by war proponents on the Republican side of the aisle (ok, sure: more than a little bitter). And despite the fact that this line of attack was patently preposterous at the time, it was really brought into stark relief over the weekend when Republicans—the very same people who once accused anti-war Democrats of hating America—turned around and levied a brazen attack on the American people with back-to-back Republican debates in New Hampshire. It’s a miracle any of us survived! Read more on Republicans Finally Done Talking in New Hampshire…
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BREAKING: Santorum Said Something Stupid

NEW YORK—Boy what a feeling it is to wake up and read every newspaper and blog post and tweet in the English speaking world and discover that apparently the only thing newsworthy that happened anywhere in the world yesterday could pretty effectively be summed up by the headline “Santorum Said Something Stupid.” And then to realize that this basically means we’re living in 2006 all over again! (Or is it not again so much as still? Hard to say.) And then to realize that no, sorry, we didn’t sign up for this, please stop the internet bus, we’d like to get off now thanks. Read more on BREAKING: Santorum Said Something Stupid…
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Republicans Outraged that Obama is Obstructing their Obstruction

NEW YORK—Ok, picture it: the President has brought an appointment before the Senate for approval. And it’s a curious appointment! Because it’s a nominee who actually fundamentally does not quite like the department he’s supposed to be heading. In fact, he doesn’t even think it should exist! Which is kind of odd, right? Since you’d think the President’s choice of who should head up any given department would at the very least be someone who’s actually, oh, idk, emotionally invested in the job? Read more on Republicans Outraged that Obama is Obstructing their Obstruction…