Author Archives: Matthew Phelan

  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker

It is easy to forget sometimes that D.C. area event planner Politico actually won a Pulitzer Prize in 2012. Not for their morning-winning, afternoon-winning news coverage, mind you, (lol, u guys.) but for their editorial cartoons, drawn by this guy Matt Wuerker. Like many a baby boomer — man — Wuerker used to be cool, before he sold out. He began his career cartooning for Portland’s alternative newspaper Willamette Week in the early 1980s, producing comics and illustrations in a self-taught and abrasive style that now feels uniquely of its time — specifically that “black and white revolution” in alternative comics, the one with all the zines and the post-punk and hardcore show posters. With an aesthetic as distinctive as Robbie Conal’s political grotestques or Raymond Pettibon’s album art for Black Flag, Wuerker pretty soon took his cartoons national. He published with the likes of FAIR’s Extra!, the Nation, and Z magazine. He did animation for music videos. He illustrated a book of essays about U.S. media propaganda for Edward S. Herman. Yes, THAT Edward S. Herman. The guy who wrote Manufacturing Consent with Noam “Chain Chomp” Chomsky. (For God’s sake, just look at the cover Wuerker drew for Herman’s book. His Bush Sr. is like a fucking GARGOYLE!!! It’s tremendous!) Matt Wuerker was, in short, the kinda man you’d catch stealing Economists from Walddenbooks while paying for his Utne Readers. Back off, man; Matt Wuerker would have those signatures in for PIRG by the end of his shift. That painting in the coffee shop? That’s Matt Wuerker’s! What do YOU care?! So. How did this man come to co-found Politico? It seems crazy right? Like learning that Henry Rollins now does voice work for direct-to-dvd superhero cartoons. Wouldn’t that be nuts!? Especially if one of them was Green Lantern: Emerald Knights. Welcome to part two of your Wonkette’s campaign against Pulitzer Cartoon Violence. Read more on Cartoon Violence Makes War On Politico’s Matt Wuerker…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Gets Back In The Muck

There are some Americans who believe that Cartoon Violence doesn’t solve anything. “Stay out!” they say. “Let the cartoonists fight it out amongst themselves. It’s a quagmire.” If, however, after all of those dead links and all of those wasted art supplies, there is still no end in sight, then I say the time has come for the American people to turn to new leadership. Effective immediately — and for the entire month of January — Cartoon Violence will be strategically recommitting manpower toward the neutralization of only the highest value targets: decorated, senior-level cartoonists, Pulitzer Prize-winners, and other influential members of their command structure. Yr. Wonkette’s pledge is simple: We shall pay any price, bemoan any bad metaphor. Beginning with 2013 winner Steve Sack and culminating with 2010 winner Mark Fiore, we will gain back the ground lost since your Comics Curmudgeon withdrew from sustained hostilities four years ago. We cannot erase the mistakes of the past, the ink spilled, but we can and must draw over, so it looks like something else, way better, that we can pretend we drew correctly the first time. We cannot say with certainty when the Cartoon Violence will end, but the fight must continue for a just and honorable peace. Also, Josh Fruhlinger said it was cool with him if we steal this gig. Read more on Cartoon Violence Gets Back In The Muck…
  This ransom contains forward-looking statements.

Police State Attacks Small Businessman Just For Blackmailing Mitt Romney

Federal stormtroopers of the New World Order have leveled six counts of wire fraud and six counts of extortion on 34-year-old Michael Mancil Brown, alleging that the Tennessee-based information entrepreneur sought a $1 million angel investment from Mitt Romney for a data privacy start-up. The pitch — which Brown is also accused of sending to PricewaterhouseCoopers and the GOP — sought anonymized seed capital, in the form of bitcoins, for a small business that specialized in not releasing copies of Mitt Romney’s tax returns. Brown is further charged with the so-called crime of seeking funding for a second business that specialized in releasing Romney’s tax returns. (You may recall the details of this Swordfish hacking drama from election time last year.) But even if this nice young man’s involvement can be proven in a court of law, WHAT, we ask you, EXACTLY is the crime here? This is such a sick perversion of why “We, The People” empowered government regulation of private enterprise in the first place. Just Shameful. Way to cut a man’s boot straps just as he was pulling himself up. Read more on Police State Attacks Small Businessman Just For Blackmailing Mitt Romney…
  Get Snitch Or Die Prying

We Have The Pentagon’s Training Brochures On How To Stop Whistleblowing Spy Stuff

Everyone who works for the government is a secret agent now. Their mission: spy on their coworkers just to make sure nobody leaks information — classified, unclassified or totally obvious — to the American public, but especially that Glenn Greenwald guy. (Yeesh, that guy. Amirite, General?) So, how does one educate these career civil servants and contracted employees in the Tippy-Top Secret Art of Intelligence Tradecraft? Basically: pamphlets, mandatory webinars, you know, the usual, maybe have them get together into groups later, do skits. Last week, McClatchy’s Washington Bureau — the newsgathering arm of fast food giant McClatchy’s — made waves with an investigative report detailing President Obama’s Insider Threat Program: a sweeping crackdown on all government leakers, everywhere, all the time, period, no excuses, Sasha, Malia, your mom, Joe Biden, Bo, grandma inclusive. Initiated in October 2011, Insider Threat broadly expanded the internal profiling of potentially leaky employees, as well as increasing the penalties for either leaking or failing to report things that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers would call “spicious.” In the intervening two years, FDA scientists, Peace Corp volunteers, Department of Agriculture bureaucrats and Social Security administrators have all been told to spy on one another or git burnt. Referenced in the McClatchy piece is a pamphlet put out by the Defense Security Service (DSS) titled “Insider Threats: Combating the ENEMY within your organization.” The pamphlet calmly encourages snitching on coworkers who put in “repeated or un-required work outside of normal duty hours” or coworkers who suddenly can afford things like a Bugatti Veyron. But that pamphlet was just the tippy-top of the DSS pamphlet iceberg! Read more on We Have The Pentagon’s Training Brochures On How To Stop Whistleblowing Spy Stuff…
  the traditional one year gift is handcuffs

The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!

Last year, it took Occupy less than three weeks to reallocate $2 million in government-funded aid to working men and women in New York City, in the form of overtime pay to the city’s police department. This year, some in the movement hope to achieve this goal sooner — and judging from the police turnout on Occupy’s one year anniversary, they stand a good chance of meeting their goal! It’s always nice when the dominant partner in a very hetero-normative relationship goes “all out” for an anniversary, and this year the police did not disappoint. “As usual, they brought Occupy some pretty police horses and cute police dogs.” Commissioner Ray Kelly’s NYPD is rumored to have splurged on a secret signal jammer to cut into Occupy’s livestream feed. The Associated Press is reporting that the police have arrested somewhere around 180 people (the NYT is saying 185), including about five journalists, wheelchair-bound Americans, one goth girl, and a fucking legal observer from The National Lawyers’ Guild: an act of puckish over-exuberance tantamount to capturing a Red Cross nurse as a POW. The police also gave a 99% bro a ride in a shopping cart. Read more on The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!…
  jack abramoff walks into a bar

Felonious American Hero Jack Abramoff: G-d Does Not Care For ‘Truth’ And/Or ‘Peace’

Did you know that God kicked some angel named/representing Truth out of Heaven? It was way back in Genesis times. Evidently, Truth was all like, “If you create that Adam guy, he’s gonna make all these other humans who are just gonna start lying and fighting each other.” Then, God was like, “Truth, you’re fired.” Our favorite Meyer Lansky cosplayer — Republican ex-con and ex-lobbyist Jack Abramoff — knows this story. AND: he’s gotten his EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS published by the only news outlet with the huevos to speak English and fuck the Truth. Por supuesto, we are talking about World Net Daily. Read more on Felonious American Hero Jack Abramoff: G-d Does Not Care For ‘Truth’ And/Or ‘Peace’…