Author Archives: Major Major Major Major

  make me want to holler

‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original

Wingnuts raised hell in 1968 about this Black Jesus, too.
Hey, did you kidz watch that new show Thursday night, “Black Jesus,” on the Adult Swim Cartoons For Stoned Grownups Teevee Channel? We did not, because we are traveling and without TiVo, and we haven’t watched television in real time for at least five years now, let alone stayed up after 11 on a school night. We are old. Read more on ‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original…
  jackin' it

Smutty Radio Shack Ads Wad Panties Of At Least One Million Moms, Probably More Like A Billion Or Something

The steampunk cosplayers at “Radio Shack” (seriously, why don’t they just call it “Ye Olde Vacuum Tube And Difference Engine Emporium”?) have transgressed the unwritten law, according to the American “Family” Association, by promulgating advertising that normalizes, nay, ENDORSES wanking and sexxxhibitionism by Our Innocent Youth. Read more on Smutty Radio Shack Ads Wad Panties Of At Least One Million Moms, Probably More Like A Billion Or Something…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  can't feel the love tonight

Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough

Professional Eddie Munster imitator Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan had to be feeling pretty pleased with himself yesterday, raining all over B. Barry Bamz’s football-spikin’ party with a new 10-year budget proposal. Ryan’s lil’ April Fool’s Day prank would slash domestic spending by nearly 30 percent by 2024 (BIFF!), bump up Pentagon spending WAY over current budgets (POW!) and … wait for it … repeal Obamacare and make Medicare a voucher program for private health insurance (FLAWLESS VICTORY!). So, the screeching monkey wing of the Republican party had to be pretty chuffed about Ryan’s swan song budget, as he prepares to step up from the Budget Committee to obstruct run the Ways and Means Committee as chairman, right? WRONG, you are WRONG, libtard Wonket reader person, they are the opposite of chuffed!* You see, unless you grab aholt of the wheel and steer the budget Titanic directly INTO the iceberg, you are a RINO and just Part Of The Problem. Ask Sarah Palin, who took to the Tea Party version of the Wall Street Journal editorial page (Facebook) to blast Ryan with words, that she undoubtedly wrote herself because just read them. Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Scourges And Crucifies Paul Ryan For Not Hating Poors Hard Enough…
  what about the children?

Zero-Tolerance Suspensions For Pre-K Are Racially — WHAT? THEY SUSPEND PRE-K KIDS??!!11!

Guten Morgen, meine Wonkadamen und Wonkaherren! Feeling cheerful about your sportsball brackets so far? Or even more cheerful because you do not follow sportsball? Well, we are here to stop that good feeling, and make you so broody that you crush out your vape pen into your half-finished, tepid mochaccino, because we are srs blog. Today’s wrist-slitting Big Story from the Associated Press tells us that our nation’s educators are starting the school-to-prison pipeline even earlier than we thought, as SIX PERCENT of pre-schools report suspending at least one pre-school child. Naturally, as the Education Department’s civil rights division will report today, black children are disproportionately suspended. African-American children make up 18 percent of preschool students, but about half of the suspensions. Wait, did we say “naturally?” No, not naturally, you stupid pre-school administrators, THAT IS NOT NATURAL AT ALL, STOP IT! Read more on Zero-Tolerance Suspensions For Pre-K Are Racially — WHAT? THEY SUSPEND PRE-K KIDS??!!11!…
  nice time!

Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO

Remember that mean teacher in Louisiana who told one of her kids he was “stupid” for being a Buddhist? And remember how his parents sued and the ACLU was all, “Hey, mean lady, you can’t go around saying stuff like that in the public schools,” and her parish school superintendent was all, “Yeah, huh, she can, because Bible Belt”? Well, prepare to be super happy for Happy Hour today, because a federal judge has come back with a SUPER burn decision that reads, and we quote, “Nuh uh, you CAN’T, and furthermore Neener, neener and neener.” Read more on Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO…
  stupid is as stupid does

Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine

Hiya, Wonketeers! Do you know what Vladimir Putin’s annexation of the Crimea means for the New Russian Century? We do not, we are a peen-joke blog, so we rely on experts to expertlain it to us. Whaddaya got, Maureen Dowd? Obama wears mom jeans, blah, blah Hillary 2016? No, too 2008. How about you, William Kristol? Obama wears mom jeans, so we should start a war with Russia. No, too 1853. Who can save us from our dumb? Why, the expertest expert of them all, that foreign policy genius and media critic Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Brain Damage)! Super Gohmert took to the floor of the House t’other day to break down the true significance of Russia’s land grab, which is that Sarah Palin was right all along. Uhhhhh, okay! Read more on Louie Gohmert Wins All Foreign Policy By Debunking Comedy Routine…
  who are these people?

Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes

Another day, another nail in the coffin of the Worst Presidency Ever. Trustworthy snake oil salesman “investment” guru Wayne Allyn Root has pulled out his figurin’ stick and dropped math all over Barack Obama (sp?) and his record-low poll numbers. You probably thought NBC saying Obama had only a 41 percent approval rating was an indication that Obama has failed to rise above a steep recession, a recalcitrant Congress and an unstable world full of shirtless thugs. You probably thought something measured and shruggy about the Affordable Care Act and its initially sucky website. You looked at a chart of Obama’s poll numbers and thought, “Huh, basically the same as four years ago, before his reelection.” You thought that because you are not a winner, a doer, a closer like Wayne Allyn Root, who writes books and is on the shouty politics radio and the shouty teevee when he is not being a hairstyle consultant to the televangelical community (probably). This guy is so smart that he unskewed a week-old poll number three points lower, because any smart person knows that seasoned, experienced data is better than smartass young millennial data. Here, let’s let the man run his numbers and whitesplain how you Just Don’t Get It because you’re not a real American: Read more on Vegas ‘Investment’ Guy Rolls Dice On Any White Person Liking Obama, Comes Up Snakeyes…
  nothing to see here

Bad Vlad Putin’s Ukrainian Shenanigans Leave WND With Battered Wingnut Syndrome

There are few more depressing experiences than hearing a friend rationalize the violent behavior of an abusive boyfriend. (Yes, we know girlfriends can be physically abusive too, sometimes, like 10 percent of the time, but we are not talking about that now so shut up and let us tell our story. Geez!) “I just make him so angry sometimes…he’s under a lot of stress right now…I hit him first…” So we were Sad when we read World Net Daily’s Exclusive Scoop about how nobody understands their man crush Vladimir Putin, and nuh uh, he hasn’t done ANYTHING wrong, GOD, you people, JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! Using the mutant superpower of reading Russia Today, journamalist F. Michael Maloof performed a masterful gotcha! on the world’s lamestream media, its diplomatic corps, its international treaty organizations and all sentient beings in the universe not named Vladimir Putin nor directly employed by him. Maloof (the F stands for FFS) notes that aha! Russia already had troops stationed in Crimea under its post-Soviet treaty with Ukraine, so there is no invasion, nothing to see here at all, move along. Read more on Bad Vlad Putin’s Ukrainian Shenanigans Leave WND With Battered Wingnut Syndrome…
  this time they're super serious you guys

One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper

Oh my God, you guys, get ready to pack up your sex toys and hobo beans and flee to the Mexican refugee camps, because Real America™ has had ENOUGH with this Marxo-Islamunist bull hockey in Washington, and is coming for your SOULLSSSS. Girt in the armor of righteousness, but not carrying the AR-15 of the Lord, an estimated* 10 to 30 million nonviolent supporters of Bible-based Constitutional government plan to descend on the nation’s capital on May 16, and hang around until Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the worst RINOs in Congress quit out of embarrassment. Then, as called for in organizer Harry Riley’s understanding of the Constitution, a new President and congressional leadership will Take America Back to, we dunno, 2008? Some time when the president didn’t go around ordering the IRS to hire New Black Panthers to kill our ambassadors at the behest of Vladimir Putin, whenever that was. Read more on One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper…
  double downer

Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts

Remember that Michigan lady with leukemia, Julie Boonstra, who couldn’t afford her Obamacare insurance because it cost $500 less per month than her old plan that Obama personally death paneled? The one in the Americans for Plutocracy Prosperity ad? The one that Harry Reid spit on when she returned home from Vietnam? Well, you probably thought that after the Washington Post’s Glenn Kessler found her story to be somewhat reality-challenged, that she was licked. Well, she’s NOT licked, and she’s going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if teh Internetz gets filled with lies like these here not-lies. Boonstra is continuing to dance on the Koch brothers’ strings stick it to The Man, with a NEW AFP video that Fights Back against the Chicago-style thug tactics of Rep. Gary Peters, who is running for Senate in Michigan in the little spare time he has left over from breaking the kneecaps of local TV station owners. This hard-hitting (Oscar bait?) film shows a lone, brave woman, attended only by an entourage of paid lobbyists with professional video equipment, marching right up to the door of Peters’ lair and leaving a letter shoved in the door handle. BOOM! Ya burnt, yo! Boonstra then vows not to be silenced, which we would be a little more worried about if “silenced” didn’t mean “discouraged from running provably false political ads on broadcast teevee.” Mainly, we had questions, like why didn’t she call ahead to see if Peters was home, or just e-mail him like a normal person? Or buy a stamp, for crissake; the Postal Service is BEGGING you. Read more on Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts…
  what a country!

Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?

Today, students, I would like you to begin work on an essay titled, “Why Is The United States Not Engaged In A Great Civil War?” You will need to cite the following examples of disparate U.S. American cultural values, and explain why these have not led to flaming barricades of death a la Kiev, Ukraine: Case Study One: On the University of California – Berkeley campus last week, a touring group of elementary school students encountered a man in a giant penis costume handing out condoms. They also were able to watch UC-Berkeley students playing “pin-the-tail on the anus” and throwing condoms through target holes labeled and illustrated as “vagina” and “anus,” as part of the university’s celebration of National Condom Week. “All day long, little kids were prancing by the dental dam demonstrations, sex-themed games of chance, and the guy in the penis suit,” student Claire Chiara said in an interview with Campus Reform Thursday. Discussion Points: Is the fact that the penis man was not allowed to distribute condoms to the children Unfair To Kidz? Should National Condom Week be a federal holiday? P-I-N goes where? Read more on Thought Experiment: Do These Two States Exist In The Same Country?…
  you get a racist! and you get a racist!

Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist

George Zimmerman Fan Club President Frank Taaffe, HLN’s go-to source for commentary on the joys of killing black children armed self defense against thugs, sometimes is accused of racism. As open- and fair-minded lieburals, we are careful about throwing that sort of terminology around, because the TRUE danger to American society, the REAL racism, is…hang on a sec. This just in. Frank Taaffe called TV’s Oprah Winfrey that n-word. Repeatedly. OK, never mind, let’s strap into this shitbird. Read more on Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist…
  glockblockers

Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act

Hello, lover. Have you sometimes felt outcast for your love? Do others not understand you, do they think your love is somehow “wrong” or “immoral”? Has your state or city passed laws restricting your love, or banning its open expression? Yes? Well, come to Georgia, baby. We know how you feel, and we’re open and welcoming to your love and your loved ones. We, too, enjoy grasping a smooth, hard cylinder, sliding it into a well-oiled orifice, and anticipating the shock of discharge … oh, we better slow down. Gettin’ steamy in here. You know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about guns, yeah. Georgia won’t make you keep your love in the closet, not if the state Senate OKs a bill the House passed Tuesday. The bill, which passed by a mainly partisan, 119-56 lover-vs.-hater margin, would make Georgia’s already laid-back concealed weapons laws even chiller. Read more on Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act…
  it's got electrolytes!

Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave

Big news from Utah, science fans! A brave and wise idiot retired science teacher and current legislator wants to put the brakes on any plans the state might have to cap industrial emissions of carbon dioxide or other “natural” gases (HA! Fart joke!). Rep. Jerry Anderson (R-Idiocracy) says the problem isn’t too MUCH carbon in the atmosphere, it’s too little, because today’s air has just a fraction of the greenhouse gas that was there when dinosaurs roamed the earth. And greenhouses are a way to make the desert bloom! “We are short of carbon dioxide for the needs of the plants,” Anderson told a state legislative committee Tuesday. “Concentrations reached 600 parts per million at the time of the dinosaurs and they did quite well. I think we could double the carbon dioxide and not have any adverse effects.” Unfortunately, Anderson’s bill has stalled, despite a warm reception in committee, over a few nerdish objections to “poisoning.” The bill forbids putting limits on the amounts of “naturally occurring” atmospheric components such as oxygen, carbon dioxide and nitrogen, as well as noble gases. We learned about the periodic table of elements from our fourth-grade science teacher, Mr. Crowell, a great American who looked like Martin Landau and drove a Volvo P1800 sports car. So we know that not all “noble” or “inert” gases from the helium and neon column are actually inert when it comes to human lungs. Read more on Wise Utah Legislator To Give Plants What They Crave…
  from our cold crazy hands

Wingnuts Decry Obama’s Gun Grab From Mentally Ill Patriots

Hey, Wonkenheimers, remember after the Newtown school massacre, when the great American gun-fondling community told you to all shut up about gun control, because “too soon,” and “anyway, this is just a mental health problem”? And remember when B. Barry Bamz (D-Gungrabberistan) tried to re-implement some weentsy, window-dressing, gun-control measures like magazine-size restrictions, and was told in no uncertain terms to fuck off with that noise, because “this is just a mental health problem”? Remember that? Well, then, you probably thought the Patriotic Second Amendment Patriot Minutemen Wolverine Patriots would have been thrilled Friday when Obummer announced his NEW dealio to try to stop school shootings, by allowing more mental-health reporting into the gun-buying background-check database. Also, he issued a second executive order extending the ban on gun purchases to those ordered by a court to outpatient mental health care, as well as the involuntarily institutionalized, which would catch guys like the Virginia Tech shooter. You probably thought that, didn’t you? HAHAHAHAHAHA, you are such libtard suck monsters! Oh, you kill us, with your belief in logical consistency, and faeries and whatnot. Read more on Wingnuts Decry Obama’s Gun Grab From Mentally Ill Patriots…
  fix it again tony

Eyetalian Car Maker Buys Out Chrysler, Brings Scourge Of Continued Employment To Midwest

Tragedy befell Detroit (again!) with the New Year, as Italian car-joke maker Fiat announced it was buying the 41 percent of Chrysler stock that it doesn’t already own. Fiat was invited by the Obama administration to buy a stake in Chrysler in the tragic summer of 2009, when Chrysler and GM went through government-assisted bankruptcy as part of the socialist takeover of the U.S. auto industry. Since then, both Chrysler and Government Motors have returned fully to private hands, and both are humming along nicely, selling cars that people actually want to buy. But imagine how much better off they’d be doing if the free market had been allowed to work! Read more on Eyetalian Car Maker Buys Out Chrysler, Brings Scourge Of Continued Employment To Midwest…
  Minnesota Nice Time

Super-Rich Republicans Have Become Totally Selfless And Enlightened About The Whole Gay Marriage Deal

If you’re as old as we are, and have had as much exposure to Reg’lar ‘Murica as we have, you are probably still a bit dizzied at the pace at which the majority of Americans went from “Ew! Gheys!” to “Ah, ain’t that a cute lesbian couple!” We close our eyes, breathe deeply and meditate on this nice trend of niceness whenever someone talks about gun violence, or obesity, or “creation science.” This epidemic of tolerance bleeding toward acceptance (eventually to wind up at Celebration) is not isolated to the Lieberals and Mushy Middle any more, no, sir! Republicans with gay children no longer feel compelled to hide them away in their gay closets, but are emboldened to endorse their civil and human rights, just as if they were regular human beings. This would all be well and good to the Gun and Fambly conservatives, who know that most rich Republicans are going to hell anyway because they belong to weird cults like the Presbyterian or Roman Catholic “churches.” But now, rich Republicans are spending their election munniez speech not to elect wingnuts who reliably back “free” markets as long as they get to spend most of their time opposing abortosodomy but to help gay marriage get legalized!!!11!!! Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council is so disturbed by this trend that he was unable to froth at the mouth about it. He instead merely noted that there aren’t that MANY billionaires devoted to this cause yet. “They have money, but they’re few in number,” Perkins said, presumably with a straight face, before individually writing thank you letters to all 12 members of the One Million Moms. Read more on Super-Rich Republicans Have Become Totally Selfless And Enlightened About The Whole Gay Marriage Deal…
  wonksplainer

Why You Probably Should Not Worry About North Korea On Top Of Everything Else Right Now

So, Wonkiddoes, have we all forgotten about Kim Jong Un today? After #Boston, he seems kind of old hat, but some of you may be wondering if he’s going to blow us all all to kingdom come on Tuesday, the second day of celebration for his Granddictators’s birthday. The good news is, probably not! Despite promises to turn Washington, D.C., and Austin, Texas(?) into a “sea of flames,” Lil’ Kim’s threats are not quite so scary as similar ones from his dear, departed daddy and grandpa, both for technical and diplomatic reasonings, which we will proceed to Wonksplain to you. You see, while quite hippie-positive, yr. Major Major Major Major is not a hippie, but instead is a Beloved Troop/imperialist running dog of several decades’ standing. (No, seriously! Not even kidding!*) And he knows how these missile things work, and about nuc’lar combat, to the extent possible through the infallible lens of U.S. security announcements. Read more on Why You Probably Should Not Worry About North Korea On Top Of Everything Else Right Now…
  damages

Hero Judge Teabags Birther To Tune Of $177 Large

Brooklyn judge Arthur Schack pulled out his punking thesaurus the other day to slap down birther Christopher Earl Strunk’s latest frivolous lawsuit (of around 20), which claims that your Barry Soetoro is not eligible to run for preznet. In a written order, Schack went all Gabe Kotter on Strunk, saying that his 2011 suit was “fanciful, delusional and irrational,” and that Strunk’s sister was so low that she plays handball on the curb (probably). Lest Strunk miss the point of this dozening and think about suit No. 21, Schack also charged him $167,000 for opposing attorney’s fees, and fined him $10k, for larfs. Read more on Hero Judge Teabags Birther To Tune Of $177 Large…
  spittle flyin'

Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change

Anchor baby Michelle Malkin is flabbercensed, y’all, about the Associated Press changing its stylebook to avoid namecalling immigrants who don’t have all their paperwork in one sock put the final nail in the Lamestream Media’s coffin. Not only has the AP decided to stop calling these terrorvaders “illegal immigrants” (because, so mean!), but they’ve also dropped “undocumented immigrant,” which really burns Michelle’s bacon. Read more on Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change…
  we few we happy few

Prince Harry To Unsheath His Mighty Sword

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, better known as Prince Harry Hardcock, has decided to lead his kingdom’s Christian knights in battle against the heathen Pathan. Harry, last seen cavorting with nymphs and maidens in the fabled pleasure domes of Las Vegas, has taken vows as a Crusader despite some opposition amongst Her Britannic Majesty’s courtiers, who fear the third in line for the Imperial throne might be killed, mutilated, or worse, caught pantsless in some Emir’s seraglio. A previous foray upon the field of battle was cut short after members of the United Kingdom’s royal fellowship of heralds and criers published newes of the blood royal’s whereabouts in dark Afghanistan. Nothing daunted, the prince will again mount his duraluminium steed and set forth to slay the unbelievers, armed only with his strong right arm and his abiding faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Plus Sidewinder and Hellfire missiles, 70mm Hydra 70 rockets and a 30mm auto-cannon. Read more on Prince Harry To Unsheath His Mighty Sword…