Author Archives: Lisa Wines

Full Name: Lisa Wines Website:
Info: Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.
  oooh la la

Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’

As France’s new president, François Hollande (in his little suit), is busy making German Chancellor Angela Merkel believe in stimulation, he’s also been filling up his 34-person cabinet with women (17!), non-Parisians (18!), people under 40 (7!), and fierce anti-globalists (1!). His picks have been described as “moderates,” but the wingnuts over at The Independent Sentinel are probably saying pfftttt! to that because “They are already beyond the pale in France. A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.” Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!) The world media is trying to keep up with it all, feverishly doing backgrounders about each new appointee, including a certain Jean-Marc Ayrault, who was selected as the new French Prime Minister. This created a leetle problem for the Arabic media because… Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.” Read more on Arab Media Chokes On ‘His Penis’…
  born free

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

Thank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina. Read more on Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free…
  at least it's a freaking ethos

Greek Neo-Nazis Win 21 Seats, Charm Nation With Reminder It Is ‘Time To Fear’

While America’s been focusing this week on incredibly important issues like Rush Limbaugh’s induction into the Missouri Hall of Flame, Obama’s no-shi moment, how Obama’s gayness will be the end of him and how undercover bathhouse boy will save us from the gayz, and how gas prices are all Obama’s fault but not really but yes they are… we’ve been bizzy too, over here in Yore-up. Greek political parties failed to agree (for the fourth time) on a coalition government and announced they’re heading for yet another general election. Even this weekend’s coalition talks were close to impossible, because Alexis Tsipras (who is freaking handsome and should just win, OK?), the leader of the the Radical Left Coalition, Syriza, refused to sit at the same table with the neo-Nazi “Golden Dawn” party. Read more on Greek Neo-Nazis Win 21 Seats, Charm Nation With Reminder It Is ‘Time To Fear’…
  unfit at any speed

Fox News Worries About Extinction (Its Own)

As Rupert Murdoch’s News International (UK subsidiary of American company News Corp) saga continues in Blimeyland, Americans may not give two faggots about it. But there’s an eentsy beentsy spider of a chance that if Murdoch’s media ship sinks, Fox News might eventually be the last ones on deck singing Nearer My God To Thee. So, listen up while we drop some knowledge. Read more on Fox News Worries About Extinction (Its Own)…
  move up your apocalypse calendars!

Oh No France Is Socialist Again

Last night at 8pm not-your-time, two hours after the Belgian and Swiss media had already published election results and 30 minutes after Nicolas Sarkozy deleted his Facebook page, the French media announced that socialist François Hollande (great NYT bio) will be the next president of France. France is a country of 1,765,983,854 laws that are completely vague and contradict each other so that everyone can figure out how to break them, and it has rules about disclosing election results, and for some reason French media followed those rules to the letter. And now France will swear in Francois Hollande sometime between May 13 and 15, because French people like to be uncertain and tortured. At exactly one minute past 8pm, the world outside burst into celebration. Horns honked, firecrackers popped and people cheered. The tradition for French election after-parties is for the left to gather at La Bastille (the start of the French peasant revolution) and the right to gather at Place de la Concorde (where the guillotine was first erected in order to behead French royalty). Sarkozy called off his celebration at Concorde way before the final announcement. In contrast, so many people showed up at the Bastille, they had to shut down the nearby Metro stations. Read more on Oh No France Is Socialist Again…
  Le Plus Beau Du Quartier

Losing French Person Sarkozy Red-Faced And Flailing In Debate With Commie Marxist Kenyan Socialist

Here’s l’update for those of you who are bedazzled by the French presidential election. The two candidates had their only debate on Wednesday night. We have written many, many words about it below, but if you prefer, you can listen to a hip-hop remix of François Hollande’s statements and a daft-punk remix of Sarkozy. Le Petit Prince Sarkozy, who’s a bit sensitive about his diminutive height, regularly belittled his opponent François Hollande during Wednesday night’s one and only debate before the final round of voting this Sunday. Sarkozy, confident of his well-known command of the teevee medium, demanded that Hollande participate in three debates (because of his other nickname, l’Americain). But Hollande refused, because he’s tall. Read more on Losing French Person Sarkozy Red-Faced And Flailing In Debate With Commie Marxist Kenyan Socialist…
  pretty in pink

Susan G. Komen Staffers Dropping Like Flies

Leslie Aun, Susan G. Komen’s national vice president of communications, quit yesterday so that she can spend more time with someone else’s children, in her new role as VP of communications for Venture Philanthropy Partners. We would like to shout a big Yay! but instead we’re muttering a small yay. Because really, it’s the Komen Queen, Nancy Brinker, who must go. Everybody else is just fiffle faffle. We’re not surprised that the mouthpiece for Susan G. Komen quit, since she’s had to eat an awful lot of doo-doo while trying to save Brinker’s ungrateful ass. Just think of all the spin Ms. Aun had to manufacture to contain the continuing fallout from the Planned Parenthood debacle, like decreasing donations, uprisings from regional affiliates, contradictions from Komen board members about Brinker’s stated intentions for ditching Planned Parenthood, a 21% Drop in “Brand Equity” (dropping 54 spots to 56th place out of 79 non-profit brands surveyed), desperate affiliates trying to sell $40 Race for the Cure tickets for $15 on Groupon, the sullying of Komen’s corporate pinkness, protest resignations of Komen top brass, and, of course, Komen’s relationship to Uzbekistan’s Dictatrice, Gulnara Karimova. Read more on Susan G. Komen Staffers Dropping Like Flies…
  not afraid to be servicey

Journalism Job! Have You Applied Yet At Al-Qaeda’s Mag?

We all have our favorite news and information sources, so why should we be surprised when followers of al-Qaeda have one too? Meet Inspire, the slick, glossy mag created by American citizen (and former cheerleader) Samir Khan and featured columnist and American citizen, Anwar al-Awlaki. Read more on Journalism Job! Have You Applied Yet At Al-Qaeda’s Mag?…
  in like a lion out like a lamm

Susan G. Komen and The Dictator’s Daughter Had A Lovely Cure For The Race

We were all waiting with bated breath to see how things went for Susan G. Komen and their best bud Gulnara Karimova, the Dictator’s daughter and the Terror of Tashkent, in the May 1 Race for the Cure in Uzbekibekistanstan. Well, according to Gulnara’s press release, the race was a huge success, attracting 20,000 people. And the International Race Ambassador of Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Donna Sanderson, was In Tashkent on May 1, personally handing out awards. Gulnara was there too, handing out awards. Did they hand out awards at the same time? On the same stage? And did they pretend not to know each other? We simply don’t know. But you know who else is pretending he doesn’t know the Dictator’s Daughter and her Daddy (the Dictator)? One Barack Hussein Obama, that’s who. Read more on Susan G. Komen and The Dictator’s Daughter Had A Lovely Cure For The Race…
  colonel of truth

Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi

With only seven days to go until the final round of voting in France’s presidential election, some lefty terrorist media organization published documentary evidence that Nicolas Sarkozy was promised 50 Million freedom fries in campaign contributions from snappy dresser and all around nice guy Muammar Gaddafi. Here’s what’s in the little letter of money promises, from the BBC: The document – dated 2006 and written in Arabic – appears to have been signed by the then Libyan foreign intelligence chief Musa Kusa. It refers to an “agreement in principle to support the campaign for the candidate for the presidential elections, Nicolas Sarkozy, for a sum equivalent to 50m euros.” The first sniff of intrigue actually came in March 2011 in the form of a TeeVee interview with mad dog’s puppy, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi, after Sarkozy recognized the Libyan opposition’s National Transition Council as a legitimate government. Son of a madman had this to say to Monsieur Sarkozy: “Sarkozy must first give back the money he took from Libya to finance his electoral campaign. We funded it and we have all the details and are ready to reveal everything. … The first thing we want this clown to do is to give the money back to the Libyan people. He was given the assistance so he could help them, but he has disappointed us. Give us back our money.” Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi…
  eat the rich

Pasties Take A Licking From UK Parliament

The Land of Newz is all aflutter this morning about the UK’s plunge into a double-dip recession that is the worst since 1975. What is the esteemed Members of Parliament’s solution, in line with their super successful austerity plan? A 20 percent tax on hot pasties, of course. No tax on cold pasties, though. So, phew. STAND DOWN! While London Bridge is falling down, MPs think it’s extremely important to spend their precious time interrogating each other as to the last time they’d eaten a hot pasty or bragging about how tasty was their latest pasty. Meanwhile, enraged Master Bakers and Pasty Makers, gathering at Pudding Lane, will finish their anti-tax protest march today on the steps of Whitehall, hoping that “politicians will be lured by the taste of an authentic Cornish pasty” enough to give pasty pounding peasants a little tax break. As mutton grease dribbles down the triple chins of pasty-patronizing Parliament, and housepersons all over the land are whinging to their neighbors about the pasty outrage, bankers and corporate moguls are laughing their asses off, sipping French champagne and nibbling their tax-free caviar. Why? Because 2011 bank bonuses in the UK were in the billions, the UK’s corporate profitability bounce back in 2010 and 2011 was extraordinary… and globally, “2011 was a banner year for luxury brands, some had more sales and profits than 2007, just before the global financial crisis.” OK, so there was a little slump, which caused some poor jetsetters to suffer: “Now, instead of buying three or four handbags, they might buy one for two-thirds of the value of all four put together.” Read more on Pasties Take A Licking From UK Parliament…
  check out this unbreakable navajo code

French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex

In the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn’t have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you’ll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake. Read more on French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex…
  a newt gingrich wet dream

Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win

The New York Times gave the Justice Department more work to do yesterday (the JD is already up to its ears in News Corp bribes to UK cops n’ Russian billboards) when they published a bunker-busting exposé about Wal-Mart bribing everybody they could in Meheeco (~ $24 million) in order to build their dime-store empire under the volcanoz. Oh who cares, right? It’s just a little mantequilla to grease the wheels of commerce for Los Creadores de Empleo. And while Wal-Mart brags a lot about all the jobs they create in Mexico, in 2007 the Daily Beast revealed that Wal-Mart de Mexico had 19,000 teenagers (between 14 and 16 years old) working for them as grocery baggers for nada. Wal-Mart said, “Yeah? So?” and the world turned over, farted and went back to sleep. Pinches pendejos. Read more on Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win…
  cure for the race

Susan G. Komen Parboils The Truth With Dictator’s Daughter Denials

The Susan G. Komen Foundation tried desperately to distance itself yesterday from the slight to-do that erupted after they partnered with Gulnara Karimova, the Dictator’s Daughter. How’d that go? Pfhhht. Komen wrote on its blog and told Registan’s Nathan Hamm that “their agreement is with, and only with, the National Breast Cancer Association of Uzbekistan” — not Gulnara’s Fund Forum — and that “the bottom line for them is to help fight breast cancer, that they will support international partners who meet their standards.” From Registan: The Komen representative with whom I spoke suggested the organization had no knowledge of links to Gulnora Karimova and insisted that their partnership was not with her Fund Forum. Not that terrible Karimova, the ‘most hated woman in Uzbekistan’ according to wikileaked US State Department cables, and a woman who had people imprisoned because their family members wouldn’t date her. No, no, not her at all! But how could you describe the relationship of their statements to the concept known as “truth”? Like they are boiling the truth in water, maybe? Or maybe just renditioning it? (Just a few stress positions, no torn off fingernails or genital electrocution. Oh wait, yes there are.) Read more on Susan G. Komen Parboils The Truth With Dictator’s Daughter Denials…
  daddy's little princess

The Life And Loves Of Susan G. Komen’s Newest Bosom Buddy, Gulnara Karimova

In case you were worried that we were a bit harsh with our love letter to Susan G. Komen Foundation’s newest bosom buddy and budding dictatoresse Gulnara Karimov — the ‘most hated woman in Uzbekistan’! — we decided to dig more deeply for horror comedy gold double-check our work and find out if our girl was just an innocent flower child, creator of fine clothing, weaver of shimmery cloth by completely voluntary and highly paid cherubic slave children or (after the children die) tiny mice and bird conscripts, fabricatrice of gossimer Eurotrash fashions for all the ugly sisters in the world to wear… …or if she’s just a blood-sucking Gorgon. We will report; you will decide! Read more on The Life And Loves Of Susan G. Komen’s Newest Bosom Buddy, Gulnara Karimova…
  all that and a bag of dicks

Susan G. Komen Foundation In Hot Sexy Hook-Up With Dictator’s Daughter

The Susan G. Komen Foundation has been so busy trying to abort their corporate image and stem the (menstrual) flow of their profits, they may have forgotten to do the proper amount of VETTENING of their spanking new breast-saving partner for the Susan G. Komen Uzbekibekibekistan Race for the Cure, a certain delightful dicatator’s daughter named Gulnara Karimova. But hey, when everyone else hates you, you might as well shack up with the woman referred to in wikileaked US Embassy cables as ‘the most hated woman in rampantly corrupt Uzbekistan.’ One cable describes Miss Karimova and reads: ‘Most Uzbeks see Karimova as a greedy, power-hungry individual who uses her father to crush business people or anyone else who stands in her way … She remains the single most hated person in the country.’ So, let’s learn more about the lovely Gulnara, shall we? Here are her strongest assets: Daughter of a Dictator, whose government regularly forcibly sterilizes its citizens and whose “government engages in routine torture of citizens and has subjected dissenters to forced psychiatric treatment”; creator of many, many ‘questionable’ charities; forcer of child labor for her fashion line; and… a generous giver of circumcisions! Goodness, all of that seems somehow much more troubling than providing health services to poor women! But we’re sure we’re wrong. Read more on Susan G. Komen Foundation In Hot Sexy Hook-Up With Dictator’s Daughter…