Author Archives: Lisa Wines

Full Name: Lisa Wines Website:
Info: Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.
  drilly bebe drill

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto Wants Mexico To Get Fracked

There’s nothing spicier than our favorite allegedly gay, allegedly wife-murdering and allegedly elected Mexican president, Señior Enrique Peña Nieto. How has he fared in the first year of his stolen office? FABulously! drools Michael Barone, senior political prestidigitator at The Washington Examiner, resident goodfella at the American Enterprise Institute and, of course, Fox News gasbag. Peña Nieto is such an “efficient reformer” that there is no more drug violence! That whole idea of people being gunned down in the streets by narcotraficantes is “out of date.” He’s kinda, sorta rii…ght about this part. With decriminalization of pot in the US and neighboring Latin American countries, some cartels, like the nice boys of the Knights Templar cartel in Michoacan, are diversifying from drug violence to iron ore exporting and thuggery. That should make international investment coffers open wide for chunky. Read more on Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto Wants Mexico To Get Fracked…
  small blessings

Steven Seagal Will Not Be Your Hero Lawman Sheriff Governor, Arizona

Shhh. I’m speaking from deep down inside my underground Arizona bunker where I’m hiding in case Steven Seagal makes good on his threat to run for governor or drive female chain-gang banger Shurf Joe Arpaio’s tank into my front door and kill my puppy and rooster. Read more on Steven Seagal Will Not Be Your Hero Lawman Sheriff Governor, Arizona…
  isn't she lovely?

Gulnara Karimova, Dictator’s Daughter, Getting Dicked Around By Daddy

Gulnara Karimova, favorite daughter of boil-’em-alive Uzbekistan dictator Islam Karimov, is an interesting girl chock-full of ambition, beauty, and grace! She’s a: pretend fashion designer of child-slave-labor-cotton clothing; pretend partner of Swiss jewelry company Chopard; Read more on Gulnara Karimova, Dictator’s Daughter, Getting Dicked Around By Daddy…
  fight for your right to the party

The Time Phyllis Schlafly Incited A Riot

Phyllis Schlafly Was There to Kick Ass And Chew Bubblegum, And Phyllis Schlafly Was All Out of Bubblegum It was spring of ’66 in Washington DC and the smell of Napalm was in Phyllis Schlafly’s hair. She’d just been robbed of her coveted Presidential coronet at the 14th biennial convention of the National Federation of Republican Women, whose board had pulled a procedural trick to avoid her automatic succession from “First Vice President” (she had been elected to this post at the previous convention in ’64) to National President, a succession that had been almost guaranteed (according to Phyllis) to all First Vice Presidents since the 1st biennial convention in 1940. Read more on The Time Phyllis Schlafly Incited A Riot…
  crimes against nature and music

Gay Men Goo-Goosh All Over Dictator’s Daughter, Unaware They’d Be Imprisoned in Her Country

Our dear old friend Gulnara Karimova and her daddy-o, Uzbekistan’s dictator Islam Karimov, are up to their usual mafiosi behavior, like torturing poets who mock them. But the much-hated (by her own people) multi-careerist continues trying desperately to gain pop stardom in America. She keeps pushing her groovy new not-on-the-cover-of-Billboard album under her daddy’s pet name for her, GooGoosha, to American dance clubs. Unfortunately for her, some of the people GooGooshing all over her (and hopefully all over each other, later) are of the homosexual variety. Read more on Gay Men Goo-Goosh All Over Dictator’s Daughter, Unaware They’d Be Imprisoned in Her Country…
  the nails girls understand

Romney Supporters And Syria’s Assad Have Thing In Common: Nails Girls

While the uneducated, common people in America are completely unaware of “how the systems work,” they are now SO relieved to have Romney supporter woman-in-Range-Rover telling them what’s what. “Nails Girls” across our freedom nation listen with bated breath, while buffing elite nails until they bleed (OOPSY!), for directions from their betters on how to cast their vote. Meanwhile, across the seas in exotic Syria, the poors who aren’t too busy being slaughtered by their dynamic dictator, Olive Oyl G-Man Bashar al-Assad and his British-born steel-spiked-Louboutin-wearing dominatrix “I am the real dictator” wife, have a job to do. (Nails! It is nails!) Read more on Romney Supporters And Syria’s Assad Have Thing In Common: Nails Girls…
  fight night

Jordanian Politician Forgets To Bring Human Shields To TV Debate

This weekend, on live TV, Jordanian MP Mohammed Shawabka was debating former MP and political activist Mansur Murad. Name calling ensued. First, Shawabka called Murad a Syrian spy. Which is kind of true. Murad openly supports Syria and is the only Jordanian who has visited Assad and continues to bring delegations to Syria. He also is the guy, in January of 2003, prior to the March 2003 Iraq invasion by US forces, who called for volunteers to come to Iraq to act as human shields against US soldiers and claimed he already had 100,000 volunteers. Nice guy! Read more on Jordanian Politician Forgets To Bring Human Shields To TV Debate…
  just like on weeds!

Gay? Murderer? The Telenovela Life of Mexican President-Elect Enrique Peña Nieto

The more we learn about Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto, the scarier things get. Behind the Pompadour and circumstance, there lurks a dark and nasty side to the pretty-boy president-to-be. First off, he’s a slut. Big deal. So was Bill Clinton (and John F. Kennedy, for that matter). But a slutty assassin and wife killer (MAYBE!) is a totally different story. First, let’s mira at his extramarital affairs. Read more on Gay? Murderer? The Telenovela Life of Mexican President-Elect Enrique Peña Nieto…
  the citizens united of mexico

Grocery Shoppers Outraged Their Mexican Election Voting Bribes Were So Puny

In our second segment in the series Everything We Always Wanted To Know About Mexico But Now That We Know Can We Unknow It?, we bring you the latest fashions in election vote-fixing, brought to you by president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto’s party, the oddly-named Institutional Revolutionary Party or PRI. (How do you institutionalize revolution, anyway?) Some of the things the PRI did institutionalize over the 70 years they were in power was guaranteeing their own reelection and turning a blind eye to the drug cartels because “job creators.” However, the new handsome, youthful face of the party, Enrique Peña Nieto, PROMISED that his party had CHANGED and he would NEVER go back to the old ways. But he needed to win the election, ya know? So, just a few little cheaty things here and there wouldn’t be noticed, right? It was all for the greater good. On Monday and Tuesday, just after Sunday’s election, an embarrassing Popocatépetl-sized kerfuffle erupted. Thousands of Mexicans crowded into Soriana grocery stores to cash in gift cards that were given to them in exchange for voting for PRI candidates, including Peña Nieto. People who didn’t have gift cards (the stupid ones) couldn’t get into the stores to do their post-weekend shopping. And the people that did have cards were extremely unhappy. It seems that they were told that the gift cards were worth 500 Pesos ($37.50), but they discovered at the store that they were only worth 100 Pesos ($7.50). We know this because los indignados were all interviewed outside the stores by journalists from media outlets not affiliated with Peña Nieto (meaning, non-Mexican media outlets). Read more on Grocery Shoppers Outraged Their Mexican Election Voting Bribes Were So Puny…
  idiotas

Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President

Assumed Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto is a snappy dresser. He’s 45 years old with a handsome baby face. He has a molded Pompadour. He poses for the cameras “like Brad Pitt and DiCaprio.” He’s been compared to John F. Kennedy. He’s a political movie star, married in a storybook top hats n’ tails wedding to a telenovela actress (who created her own reality show featuring her on the campaign trail, “thinking and feeling.”). And he has thousands of drooling, swarming, huaraches-in-the-air female followers “pressing against barricades, screaming “Enrique bonbon!” “Peña, you’re hot,” and “I want you on my mattress.” Well, based on preliminary election results (final count due today), it looks like they all voted for him too, which is as close as they will get to his perfect hair. It’s all about the fantasy. And the fantasy is about to come true. Except when he goes off script, goes rogue, shall we say. Then everything falls apart. Does any of this sound familiar? Read more on Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President…
  in the can

Youth Rise Up Against Big-Haired Mexican Presidential Candidate, Make Him Hide In Bathroom

This weekend was presidential election weekend in Mexico, which basically means there was no alcohol available… anywhere. So, Mexicans across the land, in preparation for the long, dry weekend, were seen exiting grocery stores on Friday, sombreros atilt, leading donkeys laden with beer, tequila and limes, on their way to get some Zzzzs under a cactus until voting started on Sunday. This is not at all a stereotype, nor a run-on sentence with too many commas. Es la verdad. The word on the street was that it was pretty pointless to vote because the two most powerful TV news stations, Televisa and TV Azteca, who together control almost all national broadcasting, have recently been exposed (by Wikileaks diplomatic cables and whistle blower documents obtained by The Guardian) as being the marketing arms for PRI candidate Enrique Peña Nieto, his “unmovable hairdo,” and his telenovela starlet wife, Angélica Rivera (fappable). Read more on Youth Rise Up Against Big-Haired Mexican Presidential Candidate, Make Him Hide In Bathroom…
  allahu akbar and stuff

Fox News Mixing Up All Its Scary Muslims

Egypt democratically elected her first president yesterday, Mohamed Morsi, a former member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Guidance Office and president of their Freedom and Justice Party. We say former because as soon as his election was announced, as he promised, he resigned from both of these positions in order to convince secularists and Christians that he will serve ALL of Egypt, not just his MB pals. Egyptians still wait for him to ban all alcohol, close all the bars and make all the women wear veils. Nervous jokes on Twitter included some guy’s hash dealer telling him to stock up on smoke since that may be all he can get for a while. Read more on Fox News Mixing Up All Its Scary Muslims…
  blame canada

Governor Asks Shooters Pretty Please Self-Regulate While Utah Burns Because Of Shooters

OK cowboys and cowgirls, gather ’round the semi-automatic campfire for a heartwarming story of the destruction of land, homes and wildlife in the great American state of Utah. Here’s the story in a nutshell: Utah’s “Dump Fire” (so named because it was set off by some Utahans target shooting at a dump) is only 30% contained and has so far destroyed 4200 acres, with 9000 people evacuated from their homes and a threat that the fires will take down the power grid for 7000 homes. In a state that has the mostest laxiest gunnery laws in the U. S. of A. and has been called a factory for concealed-weapon permits for out-of-state gun owners (in 2011, out of 347,262 active permits, 200,525 belong to nonresidents), the governor is, well, outgunned and can do nothing but beg like a weasel for gun owners to “self-regulate.” Read more on Governor Asks Shooters Pretty Please Self-Regulate While Utah Burns Because Of Shooters…
  pop pop pop pop music

Dictator’s Daughter Gulnara Karimova Buying Her Pop-Ularity

Wonkette’s favorite dictator’s daughter, Uzbekistan’s Gulnara Karimova, has been laying low since the embarrassment of her failed New York fashion launch and the online kerfuffle about her relationship with Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure. It looks like fashion gets all messy when you use slaves to pick your cotton, and philanthropy as a self-promotion strategy didn’t work out very well for her either. But, if you have lots of dictatory money, you can buy yourself pop stardom or a good facsimile! Read more on Dictator’s Daughter Gulnara Karimova Buying Her Pop-Ularity…
  mummyblogs

The Jon Stewart Of Egypt Has His Very Own Glenn Beck

If it wasn’t for Jon Stewart making them all laugh through the pain, libruhls would have slapped their own faces to death a long time ago. But now, the same comic relief is available to Egyptians, who are in much need of humor. Egypt’s two presidential contenders have each declared themselves the winner every day for the last week or so, not noticing that the military already made itself president. Egyptians also can’t seem to decide if their former dictator, Hosni Mubarak, is dead, half dead, in a coma, rising from the dead or just faking death-by-coma in order to flee the scary prison where everyone wants to keel heem and get on to wherever Ken Lay moved after he faked his death. Uruguay? Read more on The Jon Stewart Of Egypt Has His Very Own Glenn Beck…
  go to jail go directly to jail

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing neo-con puppet to Dick Cheney’s and John Bolton’s war administration. This says a lot about America (not all of it good). Perhaps we were nice to George because it would hurt our collective John Wayne Gacy hearts to see a wild n’ free cowboy behind bars. But France doesn’t have any cowboys. This Friday, June 15, former French president Nicolas Sarkozy will lose his presidential immunity from criminal prosecution and be eligible for investigation for some alleged crimes we already told you about (taking illegal campaign contributions from two crazy people: L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt and dead dictator Moamar Gaddafi) plus two more: Read more on Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail…