Author Archives: Liz Colville

Full Name: Liz Colville Website:
Info: Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.
  sugar and spice and so on

Wisconsin Sen. Scott Fitzgerald Accuses His Little Lady Challenger Of Being A Puppet For Her Husband

Scott Fitzgerald, Wisconsin Senate leader and gross bestie of semi-Governor Scott Walker, is facing some competition in his senate campaign — FROM A WOMAN! It’s scary, but it’s true. Lori Compas, who currently works as a photographer and writer, is running in Fitzgerald’s district in an effort to get rid of Walker and his cronies in the June 5 recall election. Fitzgerald may be worried, but it’s only because he believes lil’ Lori isn’t doing a thing in her campaign, rather, it’s being run by her husband, a geography professor, and by “unions and protest groups.” “I don’t for one minute believe she is the organizing force behind this whole thing,” Fitzgerald told the Wisconsin State Journal. Clearly the geography professor husband has a better understanding of politics, because he is a man, and plus, geography. Also, Compas is FREELANCE, anyway, which is codeword for ASPIRING BABYMAKER. Read more on Wisconsin Sen. Scott Fitzgerald Accuses His Little Lady Challenger Of Being A Puppet For Her Husband…
  it's on or rather continues to be on

Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama

After a man went on television for a very low-profile announcement that he is now back to feeling about gay marriage the way he felt in the fun 90s, the world erupted in praise … and backhanded praise and faint praise and no praise AT ALL! You are surprised, we know. Jim Daly, the boss of some Christian society called CitizenLink, decided to put up this lovely picture of two blonde straight people marrying on his blog, Finding Home, a blog for those of all sexual persuasions who forget where they live after a night of drinking at a strip club. Elsewhere, the Log Cabin Republicans implied that if Obama was a real leader of America, he would be looking at his calendar and seeing that North Carolina just banned same-sex marriage the very day he decided he now supports same-sex marriage (again), and how rude of him to distract people from this step backwards with his two-or-so steps forward. Somewhere in a desert, probably completely unaware of Obama’s special time, Romney declared that same-sex marriage is not an “issue of significance.” Plus, Rick Santorum needs cash. Read more on Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama…
  is she right ladies???????

Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch

Richard Lugar, he of the many-termèd Indiana senate run, lost to fop Richard Mourdock in the state’s Republican primary Tuesday night, because Lugar is AULDE and believes in a passé political system similar to the one that John McCain believed in before he became a born-again baby. In his concession speech, Lugar very clearly outlined the insanity of the present-day Republican party and the “headwinds” he faced as a bipartisan-loving old softy running against the passed wind of the Tea Party. Well, that upset some people, because it was so rude. Melinda Henneberger of preeminent feminist blog SHE [UNDERSCORED WITH LIPSTICK] THE PEOPLE is one such (she)rson, and as part of a new, promising tactic at the Washington Post, Henneberger both cut and pasted bits of Lugar’s speech AND took on the voice of Lugar for her “news” “article” this morning and it’s probably going to get at least four pageviews discounting her own endless “open page in new tab” efforts. In her biggest play of the post, Henneberger says the Lugar campaign staff really should have “seen to it” that Lugar’s concession speech “was eaten by a computer virus.” OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Read more on Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch…
  he also cured polio

Romney Will ‘Take A Lot Of Credit’ For Auto Industry Comeback That He Mocks Obama For Daily

In 2008, blight on society Mitt Romney called for the government to “let Detroit go bankrupt” in none other than a New York Times op-ed called “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt,” published a week after the loser he lost to lost to Obama. Romney continued to hold the beliefs ghost-written in that article well into late 2011 or so. What Romney called for — “managed bankruptcy” — did end up happening, in addition to, as you will recall, government bailouts authorized by Presidents Bush and Obama. Romney was fully against bailouts. AND YET! Now Mr. Mitt has announced that he “takes a lot of credit” for the auto industry’s recovering. THIS GUY IS GOOD. Read more on Romney Will ‘Take A Lot Of Credit’ For Auto Industry Comeback That He Mocks Obama For Daily…
  it's for a good cause

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.” Read more on Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand…
  those who can't...

How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam

Politico has decided to encourage bad habits, like following laughable presidential campaigns and cramming, by trying to teach 10 lessons on AP Government & Politics by May 15, which is the day that Young America takes these “advanced” multiple choice and essay tests on the only nation in the world. It is only up to Lesson 4, which is called “Gaffe-ing Out Loud.” It proposes that if you read an article by one M. Haberman on how surrogates have figured in the 2012 election, which is one of the most historic of ever, you might score well because they are definitely going to ask a question or two about Mitt Romney’s fired gay spokesperson Richard Grenell (no they will not). To emphasize important things, the lessons include keywords that are both italicized and bolded (paging The Conservative Teen, RIP!) And at the end of each “lesson” is a “test”! One of the questions in the “test” at the end of this particular “lesson” is, “What do you think about the topic of this POLITICO article?” You are going to Harvard, all thanks to Politico. Read more on How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam…
  is our police officers learning?

Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research

Minnesota State Patrol had a great idea, seeing as they are bored and hate everyone, particularly Occupy protesters? The Occupy protesters are just hanging around the central location of Peavey Plaza, causing problems, wasting cardboard, not getting jobs, so in lieu of beating them with a stick, the police department decided it would work better to “recruit” these useless individuals, feed them marijuana and possibly other drugs, then observe their behavior as part of a police “training” program that teaches state patrol officers what different kinds of intoxication look like. Others were apparently given weed if they would simply rat on fellow protesters. It was very exciting for some Occupiers, because their title was suddenly High Police Informant. “I smoked with a cop,” said a man who identified himself as Panda, and it was “some of the best shit I’ve had in a while.” Read more on Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research…
  why not

Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting

One ambitious Californian by the name of Bill Warren, who has spent decades hunting, but never really finding, treasure at the bottom of the sea, has declared that now Osama Bin Laden’s body, not gold, is his everything. Warren has been looking for the body of Bin Laden for about a year, and told the newspaper El Mundo that he now knows exactly where the Navy SEALs “threw” Bin Laden’s body “away” like so much McDonald’s drive-thru trash on the side of a highway. Per Gizmodo, Warren is now “trying to rent Russian deep diving equipment to locate his payload.” “Payload.” Read more on Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting…
  only trying to help

Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn

“What do you suppose are the chances,” wonders Townhall columnist Mona Charen, that the Cartagena Dozen or whatever, like and watch porn? It’s very important that we talk about this, says Ms. Charen, because if we can just know this one thing, maybe it explains everything, and if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south and “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.” Engaging prostitutes! What a turn of phrase. Charen then answers her own question: the chances are “100 percent,” and so now we know what we must do, with this hard science in our grasp. Turn off the Internet. Take a woman’s hand (as long as she is not a prostitute) and talk to her. Read more on Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn…
  the sound of one man clapping

Joe Walsh: Electing a Black President Made Us ‘Feel Good About’ Ourselves

Over the weekend in Wheeling, Illinois, to a raucous crowd of eight to nine undecided voters, Representative Joe Walsh, avid Tea Partier, said a very cordial thing about the President: he’s only in the position that he’s in so that we, America, could finally say that we aren’t racist (“One of my presidents is black”). Walsh said Obama “was a historic figure” and “our first African-American president. The country voted for him because of that. It made us feel good about [our]self.” Also, the only other reason Obama won is because John McCain is old, old, OLD! “About 142 years old,” Walsh says. Read more on Joe Walsh: Electing a Black President Made Us ‘Feel Good About’ Ourselves…
  oh

Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat

Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren’t are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in public transportation! Conveying our cars across space requires a billion more gallons of gasoline per year now than if we were to weigh what we weighed in the 1960s, when we were all beanpoles and McDonald’s was about ten years into its quest for world domination. Reuters, gathering data from a study called the Campaign to End Obesity and research from economists at Duke University and others has itemized the bill for us and we shall all die of poverty if not obesity, unless we are bariatric or heart surgeons, or endocrinologists, who are doing quite well! But our one saving grace is that smokers “die early enough that they save Social Security, private pensions, and Medicare” a vast amount of money, in the trillions, which helps offset the cost of the overweights a little bit. Great! Let’s all smoke. Read more on Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat…
  and here and here and here

Andrew Breitbart Tribute Video ‘Breitbart Is Here’ Is Quite Something

Out of respect for the late Andrew Breitbart, it is not right to make fun of (the legacy of the ghost of) Breitbart as it pertains to this tribute video for Breitbart by one Chris Cassone, but the truth is, that is not even necessary, because the video itself is where the most Breitbart-ghost-legacy-related fun can be found…to make. “Breitbart Is Here” has so much to offer: disobedience of the basic laws of perspective, practiced by all self-respecting artists since the mid-15th century, an unhealthy but not at all unexpected penchant for rhyming, leading to curious and bad lyrics, an egregious amount of visual symbolism meant to convey puppets, talking heads, monkeys and such, and an overly literal portrayal of just where the spirit of Breitbart “is,” these days, as illustrated by Breitbart fliers, which in the video are affixed to visibly liberal real-world locations such as the New York Times building. And rather business-savvily, it looks like this video is the natural progression of the BREITBART IS HERE “brand,” which began with an “iconic” poster/t-shirt thing. So smart! Read more on Andrew Breitbart Tribute Video ‘Breitbart Is Here’ Is Quite Something…
  think of the children or whatever

Obama Conducting ‘Marxist Dogma’ By Trying To Reduce Child Labor On Farms

Yesterday, late-night television, today, THE FAMILY FARM! President Obama is on a quest to ruin all the fun the conservatives are having now they’ve got a/their man, and the latest method is to tell people who own farms that their children can’t necessarily work on them because they are children? Crazy. “For generations children and adults have worked together on the family farm. Those days are over,” writes The Gateway Pundit, even though of course there are plenty of conservatives coming to the aid of farmers great and small (in stature) now. And of course the proposed bill, sponsored by Republicans John Thune (SD) and Jerry Moran (Kansas) has the word “preserving” in it, because if they could submerge 1950s-or-so America in formaldehyde and seal it in an airtight container forever, well, they would. Read more on Obama Conducting ‘Marxist Dogma’ By Trying To Reduce Child Labor On Farms…
  space the final frontier of socialism

Fox News Threatened By Liberals’ ‘Socialist’ Efforts In Outer Space

You would think that if The Liberals decided to go off to outer space to do their thing, maybe accidentally never come back, get sucked down a liberal wormhole, Fox News would be happy, but you would be wrong. Fox News reports, via Space.com, that there is a new company headed by people including Google execs Eric Schmidt and Larry Page, as well as Titantic inventor James Cameron, called Planetary Resources, which just sounds socialist, and the company intends to take its billions and go off to some asteroid and mine it for minerals, because it is over us asking China for things. The minerals will apparently add “trillions to the GDP.” One asteroid contains more minerals than this one mineral company on Earth, Platinum Group Metals, has mined in all of history. But that doesn’t matter, this all gets Fox News’s knickers in a twist, because, after all, “to whom do those trillions belong — the company, or everyone?” Oh, you. Read more on Fox News Threatened By Liberals’ ‘Socialist’ Efforts In Outer Space…
  shopping with sean

Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around

Oh, the radio! Fox News doesn’t let Sean Hannity speak lies to the powerless to quite the degree that he would like to, so, on his radio program on Monday, the reigning drunk jock of the airwaves took a call from a man who was trying to explain why he wasn’t convinced he should vote for Mitt Romney. WELL WHY NOT? Said the caller: “I need for you to ask him, when was the last time he went to bed or woke up hungry? You see, this is the part that most Americans can associate with.” (Rude interruptions, disbelief from Hannity.) “See, it’s kind of hard for them to associate with somebody that has never, ever had any financial problems in his life,” the caller continued. Hannity’s response to this is that he himself, Hannity, because this is his show, goddammit, has “never [gone] to bed hungry in my life — ever. Most Americans haven’t.” Read more on Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around…
  bye jon bye!

Catholic League Declares Itself To Have Broken Jon Stewart’s Spirit

Jon Stewart performed two sold-out nights in Florida over the weekend, and the Catholic League is ALL OVER IT. Jon Stewart making Florida laugh while making fun of Florida was enough to set off a torrent of Jon Stewart Google alerts in the Catholic League’s inbox, and the organization was the thrilled to find that the Daily Show host actually mentioned them during at least one of his performances, in Clearwater. Buried deep in a (praise-filled) review of the show in the Tampa Bay Times, the reviewer writes that Stewart brought up the fact that the Catholic League has “boycotted” Stewart over his recent joke about women placing a manger between their legs to prevent medical professionals from probing into them unneccessarily. Apparently, in a “moment of seriousness” on Saturday, Jon Stewart declared that he doesn’t really care that the Catholic League has boycotted him, and that has resulted in the Catholic League thinking that it has WON! Read more on Catholic League Declares Itself To Have Broken Jon Stewart’s Spirit…
  friday factory fun

Romney Blames Obama For Plant That Closed During Bush Presidency

Mitt Romney is touring America for some reason, and on Thursday he was in Lorain, Ohio, at a National Gypsum plant that is no longer open, which he LOVES to do despite the fact that he was complicit in the closure of more things than many presidents. During this sadsack appearance the presumptive/uous Republican nominee said the reason that the plant is no longer open is President Obama and his failed somethings. Curiously, the plant actually closed in 2008, when George W. Bush was president. Then, referring to a speech that Obama gave before the financial crisis even rose up from the earth’s bog, Romney said that the President has clearly failed in his inability to, um, predict that that thing would happen, etc. Read more on Romney Blames Obama For Plant That Closed During Bush Presidency…
  a circle jerk of two

Scott Walker Professes Love For Ted Nugent, People Who Protect Their Turf With Guns

Scott Walker, alleged man, has been having a great couple of weeks, to the delight of possibly Ted Nugent and we are not sure who else but they are out there somewhere. Walker attended the NRA camo/assassination party last week and now gracefully steps in it by declaring not only his love of Ted Nugent, but his pride for Wisconsin’s answer to Florida’s Stand Your Ground law, its Castle Doctrine, which allows every gun-toting king or queen of every castle to shoot and kill pretty much anyone who does something bad on his or her castle’s property, including tick him or her off. Read more on Scott Walker Professes Love For Ted Nugent, People Who Protect Their Turf With Guns…
  miracle prevention

Tennessee Close To Banning Any Sex Education That Involves The Word ‘Sex’

What? Yeah, Tennessee is very busy, now and always, with a bill that intends to ban the discussion of sex in sex education courses. Isn’t education without sex just…math? This bill, which passed the House Education Committee Wednesday, and whose “companion” bill passed in the Senate last month, is now going before Tennessee’s House. It’s intended to update the state’s very old abstinence-based sex education bill with…something equally anachronistic. Its sponsor, Rep. Jim Gotto of Hermitage, evidently lives in a hermitage of his mind if not the world, in which he thinks that the only sex education children and teens should be taught involves topics like family and maybe American Girl dolls, and team sports and burlap sacks. So how did this all start, if you dare to care? Well apparently actual teachers in Tennessee are so unskilled or blasphemous that they don’t even teach sex-ed, some outside “vendors” do. They probably vend God, for the most part, but apparently there have been “complaints” about some of these vendors, because they’re not vending God hard enough or what-all. Read more on Tennessee Close To Banning Any Sex Education That Involves The Word ‘Sex’…
  worldly behinds

Library Of Congress Employee Fired After Liking ‘Two Dads’ Facebook Page

A couple of years back, Library of Congress employee Peter TerVeer liked a page on Facebook called ‘Two Dads,’ which, as you might gather, is intended to promote the gay and lesbian community. This had the effect of outing TerVeer to his boss and coworkers. Weeell, that didn’t go so well, as TerVeer’s boss, John Mech, began a lovely little campaign to show TerVeer the way of the Lord, so that he might not go to Hell, and also threw in a bunch of negative performance reviews, since TerVeer’s interest in men and lack of interest in the Lord can so easily be construed as not doing his job properly. The harassment led TerVeer’s therapist to recommend TerVeer take a leave of absence, which the Library of Congress agreed to. But when TerVeer returned to work 37 days later, he was fired for — you know where this is going! — “missing 37 consecutive days of work.” Read more on Library Of Congress Employee Fired After Liking ‘Two Dads’ Facebook Page…
  things rudely not staying in vegas

GSA Crashing Its Own Party With Tales of Exploding Toilets, Bubble Baths And Wine Coolers

The General Services Administration, the great landlord of this nation, is continuing to eat it, as Jeffrey Neely, pictured, one of the GSA executives who took egregious “research” trips to Vegas prior to organizing an over-the-top conference in the same locale, spent Monday testifying before Congress uselessly (he pled the Fifth). Meanwhile, word of an “exploding toilet” at GSA headquarters in 2011 manages to not be a letdown despite some GSA employees’ requests to conceal some of the information involving the exploding toilet for “privacy reasons” or whatever. What we do know is that said exploding toilet injured two GSA employees, and that the report pertaining to the debacle is referred to as the “Domestic Water Incident,” not to be confused with the Domestic Water Incident that Jeffrey Neely’s wife posted to her Google+ account, which here shows Mr. Neely, during his 2009 “research trip,” in a clawfoot bathtub overlooking the arid splendor of Las Vegas, two giant glasses of something — wine? sangria? Arbor Mist? blood? — perched on the edge of the tub. Read more on GSA Crashing Its Own Party With Tales of Exploding Toilets, Bubble Baths And Wine Coolers…
  our demon lover

Ted Nugent: ‘Ride Into That Battlefield,’ Behead The Democrats This Fall

We have found the one musician who would not be enraged to find one of his songs used without permission at a conservative orgy somewhere in America: he is of course Ted Nugent, who attended the NRA’s annual ball gala cotillion this past weekend to sing “songs,” show his support of fast-acting weaponry, and tell America that they should vote for Romney this fall and also as a consequence behead the Democrats. In an America-themed blouson and trusty camo cowboy hat, Nugent proclaimed Obama’s camp to be a “vile, evil America-hating administration” that is “wiping its ass with the Constitution.” Read more on Ted Nugent: ‘Ride Into That Battlefield,’ Behead The Democrats This Fall…