Author Archives: Liz Colville

Full Name: Liz Colville Website:
Info: Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.
  aww shoot

Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff

It’s been a fun few years, but now Levi Johnston, once and future sperm gifter extraordinaire, has joined every other 22-year-old in America and become broke and a tenant in his mother’s home. According to a report in US Weekly, Levi has already (“already”) squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010 on guns, ATVs and other beacons of manhood. This has caused him to cease paying child support to Bristol Palin for Tripp, allegedly, but has not prevented him from naming his impending second child after a gun. But IS IT ANY WONDER a boy-man with not really that much money, in modern B-list terms, has lost it all years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan? One person, at least, is excited about this: HIS MOMMY. Read more on Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff…
  getting creative

Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race

Breitbart hologram Mike Flynn has been feeling the warm breeze of change that causes the flag of America to gently billow across his cheek, and also has been sifting through the history books, poring over some of the most improbable scenarios that have ever befallen America, and has decided that because history repeats itself, as long as that history is conservative-leaning, President Obama is completely going to drop out of the race the way Lyndon B. Johnson did in 1968, so weakened was LBJ by Senator McCarthy’s presidential efforts (which turned out so well)! It’s going to happen! Whoever takes Obama’s place, it does not matter, because the ensuing madness and weakness will ultimately portray Mitt Romney as a supreme being, much the way a fly looks supreme when standing next to a flea. This is a great theory. Flynn would just like to add another thing: Senator Eugene McCarthy was “a serious candidate running on an increasingly popular anti-war message.” Yes. Read more on Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race…
  247 whole people like this on facebook

Pro-Life Ladies Compare Obama’s America To Totalitarian State (VIDEO)

Well, someone did their 9th grade reading (but made sure to cover their eyes and ears during all of sex ed). The Susan B. Anthony List, the self-declared “nerve center” of the pro-life movement, has decided that the Obama administration is attempting to rule our minds “1984” steez, seeing as it wants contraception covered under the health care bill and for Planned Parenthood to have some money in the bank. The ladies at the Susan B. Anthony List have translated these decisions as meaning that Obama essentially wants to force all women to use contraception and to have an abortion if said contraception fails. And because of what some lady said about Mrs. Romney, Obama also is forcing all of female America to hire nannies or something? The SBAL ladies are calling these things “incredulous infringements on the consciences of pro-life Americans” for which Obama must be “exposed.” The Susan B. Anthony List website should also be exposed, for being very amusing. Read more on Pro-Life Ladies Compare Obama’s America To Totalitarian State (VIDEO)…
  words with friends

D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. Read more on D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers…
  the files are in the computer

Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place

Americans Elect, the organization that tried to get America to nominate a centrist third-party candidate using the futuristic World Wide Web, has basically admitted defeat. Yes, in America, an idiot can become president, but a well-meaning yet mysterious group of people who took the time to actually get on the ballot in 27 states cannot make a website that actually works. Via Politico, the Americans Elect organizers said Tuesday that, basically, Americans are very interested in nominating a third-party candidate, yet when we say Americans we really mean the 18,000 or so Americans who were able to use our website without wanting to stab themselves in the eye. “There is…an almost universal desire,” said Kahlil Byrd in a statement that appears on the website, “among delegates, leadership and millions of Americans who have supported AE to see a credible candidate emerge from this process.” “Millions,” that is optimistic. Anyway, it looks like there is technically a “leader” in all this, and his name is………………Ron Paul. Jon Huntsman is in second place with a whopping 3,834 votes, followed by Bernie Sanders and in fourth place, BARACK OBAMA. Read more on Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place…
  fun new homemade crafting idea

MS Rep. Bubba Carpenter Proud To Have Eradicated Abortion In The State, Save For The Coathanger Kind

Mississippi Rep. Lester “Bubba” Carpenter is so happy with the “progress” that ensued when Governor Phil Bryant passed a law to ensure that Mississippi abortion providing doctors have admitting privileges at hospitals (shortly after signing the bill into law, Bryant announced that the Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children”). To Bubba, this is an example of a sneaky and effective way that states can get rid of legal abortion without having to overturn Roe v. Wade! NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE. And the ladies can still get abortions at home using hangers and things, it will be great. Speaking in Alcorn County last week, Carpenter told the supportive crowd, “[L]iterally, we stopped abortion in the state of Mississippi, legally, without having to– Roe vs. Wade. So we’ve done that. I was proud of it. The governor signed it into law. And of course, there you have the other side. They’re like, ‘Well, the poor pitiful women that can’t afford to go out of state are just going to start doing them at home with a coat hanger.’ That’s what we’ve heard over and over and over. But hey, you have to have moral values.” BUT HEY! Read more on MS Rep. Bubba Carpenter Proud To Have Eradicated Abortion In The State, Save For The Coathanger Kind…
  sugar and spice and so on

Wisconsin Sen. Scott Fitzgerald Accuses His Little Lady Challenger Of Being A Puppet For Her Husband

Scott Fitzgerald, Wisconsin Senate leader and gross bestie of semi-Governor Scott Walker, is facing some competition in his senate campaign — FROM A WOMAN! It’s scary, but it’s true. Lori Compas, who currently works as a photographer and writer, is running in Fitzgerald’s district in an effort to get rid of Walker and his cronies in the June 5 recall election. Fitzgerald may be worried, but it’s only because he believes lil’ Lori isn’t doing a thing in her campaign, rather, it’s being run by her husband, a geography professor, and by “unions and protest groups.” “I don’t for one minute believe she is the organizing force behind this whole thing,” Fitzgerald told the Wisconsin State Journal. Clearly the geography professor husband has a better understanding of politics, because he is a man, and plus, geography. Also, Compas is FREELANCE, anyway, which is codeword for ASPIRING BABYMAKER. Read more on Wisconsin Sen. Scott Fitzgerald Accuses His Little Lady Challenger Of Being A Puppet For Her Husband…
  it's on or rather continues to be on

Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama

After a man went on television for a very low-profile announcement that he is now back to feeling about gay marriage the way he felt in the fun 90s, the world erupted in praise … and backhanded praise and faint praise and no praise AT ALL! You are surprised, we know. Jim Daly, the boss of some Christian society called CitizenLink, decided to put up this lovely picture of two blonde straight people marrying on his blog, Finding Home, a blog for those of all sexual persuasions who forget where they live after a night of drinking at a strip club. Elsewhere, the Log Cabin Republicans implied that if Obama was a real leader of America, he would be looking at his calendar and seeing that North Carolina just banned same-sex marriage the very day he decided he now supports same-sex marriage (again), and how rude of him to distract people from this step backwards with his two-or-so steps forward. Somewhere in a desert, probably completely unaware of Obama’s special time, Romney declared that same-sex marriage is not an “issue of significance.” Plus, Rick Santorum needs cash. Read more on Now For A Collection of Insults Hurled At Fan Of Same-Sex Marriage Obama…
  is she right ladies???????

Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch

Richard Lugar, he of the many-termèd Indiana senate run, lost to fop Richard Mourdock in the state’s Republican primary Tuesday night, because Lugar is AULDE and believes in a passé political system similar to the one that John McCain believed in before he became a born-again baby. In his concession speech, Lugar very clearly outlined the insanity of the present-day Republican party and the “headwinds” he faced as a bipartisan-loving old softy running against the passed wind of the Tea Party. Well, that upset some people, because it was so rude. Melinda Henneberger of preeminent feminist blog SHE [UNDERSCORED WITH LIPSTICK] THE PEOPLE is one such (she)rson, and as part of a new, promising tactic at the Washington Post, Henneberger both cut and pasted bits of Lugar’s speech AND took on the voice of Lugar for her “news” “article” this morning and it’s probably going to get at least four pageviews discounting her own endless “open page in new tab” efforts. In her biggest play of the post, Henneberger says the Lugar campaign staff really should have “seen to it” that Lugar’s concession speech “was eaten by a computer virus.” OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Read more on Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch…
  he also cured polio

Romney Will ‘Take A Lot Of Credit’ For Auto Industry Comeback That He Mocks Obama For Daily

In 2008, blight on society Mitt Romney called for the government to “let Detroit go bankrupt” in none other than a New York Times op-ed called “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt,” published a week after the loser he lost to lost to Obama. Romney continued to hold the beliefs ghost-written in that article well into late 2011 or so. What Romney called for — “managed bankruptcy” — did end up happening, in addition to, as you will recall, government bailouts authorized by Presidents Bush and Obama. Romney was fully against bailouts. AND YET! Now Mr. Mitt has announced that he “takes a lot of credit” for the auto industry’s recovering. THIS GUY IS GOOD. Read more on Romney Will ‘Take A Lot Of Credit’ For Auto Industry Comeback That He Mocks Obama For Daily…
  it's for a good cause

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.” Read more on Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand…
  those who can't...

How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam

Politico has decided to encourage bad habits, like following laughable presidential campaigns and cramming, by trying to teach 10 lessons on AP Government & Politics by May 15, which is the day that Young America takes these “advanced” multiple choice and essay tests on the only nation in the world. It is only up to Lesson 4, which is called “Gaffe-ing Out Loud.” It proposes that if you read an article by one M. Haberman on how surrogates have figured in the 2012 election, which is one of the most historic of ever, you might score well because they are definitely going to ask a question or two about Mitt Romney’s fired gay spokesperson Richard Grenell (no they will not). To emphasize important things, the lessons include keywords that are both italicized and bolded (paging The Conservative Teen, RIP!) And at the end of each “lesson” is a “test”! One of the questions in the “test” at the end of this particular “lesson” is, “What do you think about the topic of this POLITICO article?” You are going to Harvard, all thanks to Politico. Read more on How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam…
  is our police officers learning?

Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research

Minnesota State Patrol had a great idea, seeing as they are bored and hate everyone, particularly Occupy protesters? The Occupy protesters are just hanging around the central location of Peavey Plaza, causing problems, wasting cardboard, not getting jobs, so in lieu of beating them with a stick, the police department decided it would work better to “recruit” these useless individuals, feed them marijuana and possibly other drugs, then observe their behavior as part of a police “training” program that teaches state patrol officers what different kinds of intoxication look like. Others were apparently given weed if they would simply rat on fellow protesters. It was very exciting for some Occupiers, because their title was suddenly High Police Informant. “I smoked with a cop,” said a man who identified himself as Panda, and it was “some of the best shit I’ve had in a while.” Read more on Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research…
  why not

Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting

One ambitious Californian by the name of Bill Warren, who has spent decades hunting, but never really finding, treasure at the bottom of the sea, has declared that now Osama Bin Laden’s body, not gold, is his everything. Warren has been looking for the body of Bin Laden for about a year, and told the newspaper El Mundo that he now knows exactly where the Navy SEALs “threw” Bin Laden’s body “away” like so much McDonald’s drive-thru trash on the side of a highway. Per Gizmodo, Warren is now “trying to rent Russian deep diving equipment to locate his payload.” “Payload.” Read more on Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting…
  only trying to help

Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn

“What do you suppose are the chances,” wonders Townhall columnist Mona Charen, that the Cartagena Dozen or whatever, like and watch porn? It’s very important that we talk about this, says Ms. Charen, because if we can just know this one thing, maybe it explains everything, and if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south and “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.” Engaging prostitutes! What a turn of phrase. Charen then answers her own question: the chances are “100 percent,” and so now we know what we must do, with this hard science in our grasp. Turn off the Internet. Take a woman’s hand (as long as she is not a prostitute) and talk to her. Read more on Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn…
  the sound of one man clapping

Joe Walsh: Electing a Black President Made Us ‘Feel Good About’ Ourselves

Over the weekend in Wheeling, Illinois, to a raucous crowd of eight to nine undecided voters, Representative Joe Walsh, avid Tea Partier, said a very cordial thing about the President: he’s only in the position that he’s in so that we, America, could finally say that we aren’t racist (“One of my presidents is black”). Walsh said Obama “was a historic figure” and “our first African-American president. The country voted for him because of that. It made us feel good about [our]self.” Also, the only other reason Obama won is because John McCain is old, old, OLD! “About 142 years old,” Walsh says. Read more on Joe Walsh: Electing a Black President Made Us ‘Feel Good About’ Ourselves…