Author Archives: Liz Colville

Full Name: Liz Colville Website:
Info: Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.
  so in his case 3290342093512 degrees

Mitt Romney: Students Should Get ‘As Much Education As They Can Afford’

Truly shocking, Mitt Romney has moved on from chastising America for copying him to more important things, like the fact that education is expensive for a reason: so that only people who can afford it are permitted to get it. So true! While in Virginia on Friday, Romney said that while America may be “the land of opportunity for every single person,” when it comes down to it there is not quiiiiiiite enough opportunity to go around, and education is great, but a person should really only get “as much education as they can afford and with their time they’re able to get,” which is a weird, as well as an evil, sentence. Read more on Mitt Romney: Students Should Get ‘As Much Education As They Can Afford’…
  they heard said and read and then said

Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional

Fox News tried, it really tried, to make lies true, and to expect something so thoroughly, in the deepest crevasses of its soul, that when hearing the opposite it, it just heard its wish, its dream, namely for the Obamacare individual mandate to be ruled unconstitutional. But it was, oddly, upheld! So now The Worst (CNN and Fox News) feel they have to explain themselves. Not that it wasn’t confusing all around. But Fox’s non-explanation is that it HEARD AND ALSO READ that the mandate was unconstitutional. And anyway, they didn’t suck at accuracy nearly as much as “one other cable network.” Read more on Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional…
  is that so

Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map

Well, over on whatever website or smelly airwave Glenn Beck currently resides, Beck and his friends/unpaid interns have decided to make some predictions about the 2012 presidential election upon which the fate of the universe rides. Here is Glenn’s measured and educated guess! Wow, good. Read more on Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map…
  nothing will ever be the same

Obama Biographer Accused of ‘Fraud’ for Editing Obama’s ‘Appalling’ Grammar Skills

The truth has come out: Barack Obama is not a genius. We’re sorry, we know you have always thought this to be true. But a very serious man and inadvertent Obama scholar by the name of Jack Cashill has encountered some EGREGIOUS ERRORS (subtle grammatical changes) in letters that were printed in the new Obama biography, David Maraniss’s Barack Obama: The Story, parts of which were also recently excerpted in Vanity Fair. Conclusion: Maraniss has COMMITTED FRAUD by possibly changing four or so words Obama wrote 29 years ago, and Obama is just a petulant boy-man who doesn’t use a spell check because he is above it! Especially now! Well, now you know how to vote in November, thanks to Jack Cashill. Read more on Obama Biographer Accused of ‘Fraud’ for Editing Obama’s ‘Appalling’ Grammar Skills…
  congratulations on your blessed day

Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead

President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to do anything, except maybe buy a Hawaiian island!!!!!! Isn’t it strange that we have to pay people to prepare themselves to run the country for a relatively short time? Anyway, Obama is now suggesting that if you have a wedding, birth, or anniversary, or any old excuse for wanting your friends and family to pool together their unemployment and social security checks and buy you shit, instead of asking for Le Creuset pots and diapers and wine, why don’t you just give the money to Barack Obama instead? Read more on Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead…
  urgent matters

Right Wing News Ends War On Women With Peaceful List of Hottest Conservative Women in Media

The point of women is to stand tall, butt pointing just so (say, eastward), bosom pointing just the opposite so (westward). The point of conservative women in the media is to do this, plus tell conservative men everywhere what they obviously already know, and invented, like that Obama is a Kenyan spy, but which they like to sometimes hear said in a soft voice, and preferably in plain sight, with the aforementioned assets pointing also, if the women can manage it, not only in opposite directions but toward the sky. So with that in mind, Right Wing News has released its fourth annual list of “The 20 Hottest Conservative Women in Media,” and each candidate in this competitive list has been allotted two pictures. One shows us the woman’s candid side: hanging with friends at the bar, attending a conference for important people. For the other shots the Right Wing News staff used glamour shots WHENEVER POSSIBLE, which preferably included some T&A. Strangely, there seem to be more T&A as we make our way through the list from number 20 to number 1… Read more on Right Wing News Ends War On Women With Peaceful List of Hottest Conservative Women in Media…
  pivotal moments in our country's history

Typo Changes Everything We Know About Obama, Despite Being Typo

A 1990 article in a hard-hitting publication called Vanity Fair either accidentally revealed a state secret: Obama spent some years in Singapore, not Indonesia, as a child! OR pooooossibly, but this is not very likely, an uninformed intern wrote an article about Obama and confused the countries of Indonesia (where Obama “spent” some time as a child) and Singapore (where he “did not spend” time as a child), because the intern only knows about America and everything else over there is a blur. The article stated that Obama was “raised in Singapore.” Later the magazine corrected this, saying, “We should have said Indonesia.” Genius scribe Jerome R. Corsi (pictured, releasing wind) has a theory about this: if lies sometimes are allowed to exist forever as no big deal because no one really notices or cares, maybe it means they are actually true. And because a typo is a form of lie, it can also be considered just a truth that is dying to get out. So, Obama once lived in Singapore and must now step down. Read more on Typo Changes Everything We Know About Obama, Despite Being Typo…
  failed politician news

Ex-Senate Candidate Stands His Ground, Shoots Guy Whose Ground It Allegedly Also Was

Hiram Lewis, a lawyer and a failed servant of the American people (he lost the 2006 West Virginia Senate race to Robert Byrd, and also lost two Attorney General elections), has been arrested for shooting a guy who apparently “intruded” upon him in his home. West Virginia has that lovely Castle Doctrine in effect, so Lewis, who also used to work as a Republican treasurer, is claiming that he was just Standing His Ground. The catch: the so-called intruder, Stephen Bogart, claims that he actually lives in the house in too. This is a LANDMARK CASE, because can you stand yr ground if it is also another’s ground??? Read more on Ex-Senate Candidate Stands His Ground, Shoots Guy Whose Ground It Allegedly Also Was…
  man bites man

Failed President Sought Companionship Of President

After Obama’s quashing of lapsed aisle-straddler John McCain in 2008, people apparently thought this loser and winner could come together and do great things, as if the election were a tie or something, as if this were post-Blair England and the leadership options were so bad that the options had to band together in a coalition of mediocrity. People (Rick Santorum) apparently thought there was a place for McCain in Obama’s icy, aloof heart. But actually there was not ever, because Obama was and remains as previously described. Still, new scandals (that isn’t true) are coming to light, namely that McCain feels he was snubbed by Obama following the election. Snubbed! This is truly shocking. OUR OBAMA, snubbing someone? Read more on Failed President Sought Companionship Of President…
  grass news

North Dakota Wants To Get Rid Of Property Taxes Because It Is Mostly Grass Anyway

North Dakota is deciding today whether to eliminate property taxes altogether, which would make it the first state since brilliant Alaska in 1980 to eliminate a major source of funding for things that people actually need, like people who professionally put out fires and an education. Alaska eliminated income taxes, of all things, which probably helped ATV junkie Levi Johnston last a little longer in an eminent tax bracket than he otherwise would have. If North Dakota passes the legislation, it will have $800 million less to play with every year, but mo’ money, mo’ problems. Actually no, that isn’t even the philosophy behind the bill’s supporters: they apparently still think the government will find — or like, print? — that amount of money and give it to them. Can’t they do that? Read more on North Dakota Wants To Get Rid Of Property Taxes Because It Is Mostly Grass Anyway…
  so much fun

Idaho Jails Discover Exciting New Potential Guests: Ladies Who Take RU-486

Jennie Linn McCormack, a single mom from Pocatello, Idaho, was just around when the sister of her friend and the local police department needed someone to blame for McCormack’s abortion, which she induced in late 2010 by purchasing RU-486 over the Internet. The manufacturers and sellers of RU-486 were nowhere to be found, and there were just too many of them, and it was just a hassle. McCormack, surviving on child support checks and already a mother of three, couldn’t afford to pay the $500 to get an abortion in Salt Lake City, where the closest abortion clinic is located, so she turned to her sister in Mississippi, who purchased the pill and mailed it to her. She later confided in a friend about the abortion. Then the friend’s sister called the police. McCormack was arrested for inducing the abortion, which is illegal in Idaho thanks to a 1972 law. Some months later, Idaho and other states enacted fetal pain abortion laws, making it illegal to have an abortion after 19 weeks because it allegedly causes pain to the fetus. McCormack is now suing a state prosecutor, contending that Idaho made abortions inaccessible to her. This makes Jennie Linn McCormack both a social pariah and the poster child of the fetal pain abortion debate. She must be thrilled. Read more on Idaho Jails Discover Exciting New Potential Guests: Ladies Who Take RU-486…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  we'll smoke the blighter out

Homeowner Teargassed, Shot During Eviction Process, Realtor Finds It Hilarious

When a person is forced to leave his home because, probably, he was unaware that he was being ripped off by Fannie Mae, the authorities sometimes have to take it upon themselves to eradicate said homeowner like so many elusive cockroaches. In the case of Bruce O’Rando from St. Ann, Missouri, police decided to tear gas the 51-year-old man out of his home. O’Rando barricaded himself in the house, and once tear gas was brought into the mix, he began firing at police officers. The officers fought back, shooting the man in the elbow, maiming him to such a degree that they could successfully remove him from the house and take him to a hospital. Now we’re going to realtor Mark Harder to get a local’s perspective on this shiteous situation. Harder: “I guess he wasn’t too excited about the HUD cash for keys program…or maybe he wanted more cash from his keys.” OK, never mind, get this guy out of here. Read more on Homeowner Teargassed, Shot During Eviction Process, Realtor Finds It Hilarious…
  turncoat news

Jeb Bush, Liberated By His Own Irrelevance, Says GOP Is ‘Short-Sighted’

Remember a very long time ago, during a Republican presidential debate last August (oh my god, TIME), when one of those moderator fellows asked the candidates whether they would reject a debt deal that required 10 dollars in spending cuts for every dollar in tax increases, and how everyone raised their hand to say that they would reject such a deal, even though Jon Huntsman later admitted that he didn’t mean to raise his hand, because he is not actually crazy? Well, Jeb Bush would now like to say that, because no one cares, he is free to admit that he would accept such a deal, and that also, the Republican party in general is “short-sighted” on immigration and tax policy issues, but he is only saying this because he is not running for office, and because Charlie Rose made him feel that he was in a safe space. Read more on Jeb Bush, Liberated By His Own Irrelevance, Says GOP Is ‘Short-Sighted’…
  oopsies

Neo-Nazi Greek Politician Beats On Lady Politician On Live TV (VIDEO)

Well, this is great. During a live television debate on Thursday between a bunch of Greek politicians (its broke citizens go to the broken polls on June 17), Ilias Kasidiaris, a spokesperson for and member of the terrifyingly named neo-Nazi party Golden Dawn, tossed a glass of water at a lady rival, Rena Dourou of the left-leaning Syriza party, THEN slapped another lady politician, Liana Kanelli of KKE, the communist party, twice. This after an exchange of insults including “you old commie!” (he to she) and “fascist!” (she to he). The bestest part of this is that it is ONLINE! The second best part is that the reason Kasidiaris attacked the women is because they were asking him about a 2007 mugging that he has been implicated in. The trial about that mugging is ongoing, but it’s safe to say, um, innocent until proven to be a violent freak on national television. Read more on Neo-Nazi Greek Politician Beats On Lady Politician On Live TV (VIDEO)…
  how wonderful

Robert Mugabe, Beacon Of Hope, Appointed Tourism Ambassador By U.N.

Robert Mugabe, yes, that one, the continued monomaniacal leader and premier “land reformer” of Zimbabwe, has a new job! In addition to the old job! Because he is getting bored with reforming land and “winning” elections and having lots of friends do things for him with guns pointed at their heads and wads of worthless cash stuffed down their back pockets. It turns out the United Nations, not even your high school’s model United Nations team, but the real thing, has appointed Mugabe as a “leader for tourism” in the UN’s World Tourism Organization. Is this like when an alcoholic celebrity is asked to do community service? Also, Mugabe is under a travel ban, which makes this extra wonderful. Read more on Robert Mugabe, Beacon Of Hope, Appointed Tourism Ambassador By U.N….
  aww shoot

Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff

It’s been a fun few years, but now Levi Johnston, once and future sperm gifter extraordinaire, has joined every other 22-year-old in America and become broke and a tenant in his mother’s home. According to a report in US Weekly, Levi has already (“already”) squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010 on guns, ATVs and other beacons of manhood. This has caused him to cease paying child support to Bristol Palin for Tripp, allegedly, but has not prevented him from naming his impending second child after a gun. But IS IT ANY WONDER a boy-man with not really that much money, in modern B-list terms, has lost it all years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan? One person, at least, is excited about this: HIS MOMMY. Read more on Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff…
  getting creative

Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race

Breitbart hologram Mike Flynn has been feeling the warm breeze of change that causes the flag of America to gently billow across his cheek, and also has been sifting through the history books, poring over some of the most improbable scenarios that have ever befallen America, and has decided that because history repeats itself, as long as that history is conservative-leaning, President Obama is completely going to drop out of the race the way Lyndon B. Johnson did in 1968, so weakened was LBJ by Senator McCarthy’s presidential efforts (which turned out so well)! It’s going to happen! Whoever takes Obama’s place, it does not matter, because the ensuing madness and weakness will ultimately portray Mitt Romney as a supreme being, much the way a fly looks supreme when standing next to a flea. This is a great theory. Flynn would just like to add another thing: Senator Eugene McCarthy was “a serious candidate running on an increasingly popular anti-war message.” Yes. Read more on Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race…
  247 whole people like this on facebook

Pro-Life Ladies Compare Obama’s America To Totalitarian State (VIDEO)

Well, someone did their 9th grade reading (but made sure to cover their eyes and ears during all of sex ed). The Susan B. Anthony List, the self-declared “nerve center” of the pro-life movement, has decided that the Obama administration is attempting to rule our minds “1984” steez, seeing as it wants contraception covered under the health care bill and for Planned Parenthood to have some money in the bank. The ladies at the Susan B. Anthony List have translated these decisions as meaning that Obama essentially wants to force all women to use contraception and to have an abortion if said contraception fails. And because of what some lady said about Mrs. Romney, Obama also is forcing all of female America to hire nannies or something? The SBAL ladies are calling these things “incredulous infringements on the consciences of pro-life Americans” for which Obama must be “exposed.” The Susan B. Anthony List website should also be exposed, for being very amusing. Read more on Pro-Life Ladies Compare Obama’s America To Totalitarian State (VIDEO)…
  words with friends

D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. Read more on D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers…
  the files are in the computer

Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place

Americans Elect, the organization that tried to get America to nominate a centrist third-party candidate using the futuristic World Wide Web, has basically admitted defeat. Yes, in America, an idiot can become president, but a well-meaning yet mysterious group of people who took the time to actually get on the ballot in 27 states cannot make a website that actually works. Via Politico, the Americans Elect organizers said Tuesday that, basically, Americans are very interested in nominating a third-party candidate, yet when we say Americans we really mean the 18,000 or so Americans who were able to use our website without wanting to stab themselves in the eye. “There is…an almost universal desire,” said Kahlil Byrd in a statement that appears on the website, “among delegates, leadership and millions of Americans who have supported AE to see a credible candidate emerge from this process.” “Millions,” that is optimistic. Anyway, it looks like there is technically a “leader” in all this, and his name is………………Ron Paul. Jon Huntsman is in second place with a whopping 3,834 votes, followed by Bernie Sanders and in fourth place, BARACK OBAMA. Read more on Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place…
  fun new homemade crafting idea

MS Rep. Bubba Carpenter Proud To Have Eradicated Abortion In The State, Save For The Coathanger Kind

Mississippi Rep. Lester “Bubba” Carpenter is so happy with the “progress” that ensued when Governor Phil Bryant passed a law to ensure that Mississippi abortion providing doctors have admitting privileges at hospitals (shortly after signing the bill into law, Bryant announced that the Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children”). To Bubba, this is an example of a sneaky and effective way that states can get rid of legal abortion without having to overturn Roe v. Wade! NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE. And the ladies can still get abortions at home using hangers and things, it will be great. Speaking in Alcorn County last week, Carpenter told the supportive crowd, “[L]iterally, we stopped abortion in the state of Mississippi, legally, without having to– Roe vs. Wade. So we’ve done that. I was proud of it. The governor signed it into law. And of course, there you have the other side. They’re like, ‘Well, the poor pitiful women that can’t afford to go out of state are just going to start doing them at home with a coat hanger.’ That’s what we’ve heard over and over and over. But hey, you have to have moral values.” BUT HEY! Read more on MS Rep. Bubba Carpenter Proud To Have Eradicated Abortion In The State, Save For The Coathanger Kind…