Lauri Apple
Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)
It’s September 11 Eve, everybody! Have you figured out how you’re going to honor tomorrow yet? Maybe you will listen to Lee Greenwood and meditate on where you were when 9/11 was born, in a manger (your Lauri was in Austin, eating breakfast tacos). Will you burn a votive candle? Just make sure it’s not [...]
Not long ago, a Real-American named Gary Troy was standing in his kitchen, deep-frying a cheeseburger for his lunch, when God the Creator suddenly appeared. “Gary,” God said, “This is your mission in life: To promote the fuck out of Sarah Palin until she becomes president. Succeed, and admission to Heaven is yours. Fail, and [...]
America’s “Burn a Koran Day” celebrity pastor Terry Jones and pill-popping serial groom/hatemonger Rush Limbaugh are not only both graduates of Cape Girardeau Central High School in Cape Girardeau, Missouri — they graduated together, in 1969. Some people are suggesting that this means something!
The Values Voter Summit is nearly upon us! Do you know which plenary sessions you’re going to attend? Have you purchased your American-flag Trapper Keeper, good for protecting your notes (and also the sanctity of marriage) from spilled “tea” accidents? And did you hear that the latest speaker added to the roster is thrice-married, twice-divorced, [...]
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood just wants you all to be safe out there on the roadways, Youngster-Americans, which is why he’s made teen sexting one of his top causes.
Have you been looking for a new “biz opp”? One that would enable you to get paid to “defend our freedom” and, oh, maybe “stop Liberal Tyranny!!”? Well look no further, because now your dream has come true: An enterprise called The TeaPartyBizOpp is offering “the first ever patriotic home based business opportunity” to help [...]
Hawaii’s Republican gubernatorial candidate, James “Duke” Aiona, has a lot going for him: a cool nickname, cool hair, good looks, and years of experience as Hawaii’s lieutenant governor on his resume. But his biggest advantage against … whoever he’s running against is that he’s got a special preacher friend who can heal and anoint people, [...]
At this moment, Tea Par-tay reps are roaming around England — where all of America’s ancestors came from! — to share with their British brethren the joys of lowering taxes, destroying government, and refudiating Black Privilege. They are also probably engaging in some of the local customs, like drinking tea at tea time! So authentic [...]
Welcome to another edition of Burn Yer Queeran — our first since the beginning of Fashion Ramadan, when everybody is forbidden to wear white shoes until the imam proclaims it to be spring again. Today’s post is brought to you by the makers of Islam Rising halal baker’s yeast, now being advertised along roadways across [...]
Here’s Glenn Beck performing a very simple addition problem out loud, like he is trying out for the part of “intervening best friend” in an ABC Afterschool Special. Beck is America’s best friend, pretty much, because he’s saving the truth one math problem at a time. Can you believe the passion this man puts into [...]
Recent poll results confirm that America’s taste-makers, the Ohioans, believe that Congressional Minority Leader John Boehner is “just tooooo fuckin’ orange.” Why do they believe this? Oh, because they can see, with their buckeyes. Now one of Ohio’s libtard groups is using the poll results to their own ends, pointing out that Boehner’s push to [...]
In Delaware, the Teabagger’s Choice® for U.S. Senate is Christine O’Donnell — a political commentator-tot and “marketing consultant” who is running against longtime CongressRINO Mike Castle in the September 14 Republican primary. The Tea Party Express says they plan on spending 250,000 Teabag Bucks on O’Donnell’s campaign, which comes out to one dollar for every [...]
Louisiana Democrats have just released a movie documenting the tragic tale of born-again Republican David Vitter, whose blessed, pure heart was once contaminated with an insatiable lust for hookers. In the new film, Vitter doesn’t fall in love with any of his prostitutes — he just gathers up his clothes and used condoms, and scoots [...]
