Author Archives: Lauri Apple

Full Name: Lauri Apple Website:
Info: Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)
  republicans in the news

Meet the Values Voter Choice for President, Mike Pence (Who?)

The Value Voters Summiteers held a presidential straw poll as part of their weekend activities, and the gold medalist in both the presidential and vice-presidential categories was Indiana Congressman Mike Pence. People were surprised! And not just because the contender pool included Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, and other famous wingnut celebrities, but because who in the hell is Mike Pence? Read more on Meet the Values Voter Choice for President, Mike Pence (Who?)…
  superwoman

Sarah Palin Is Persecuted Jesus Plus Esther Plus Obama-Jesus

The Weekly Standard pamphlet for common-sense Americans has obtained an EXCLUSIVE advanced copy of the paperback version of The Persecution of Sarah Palin by Matthew Continetti, who also just happens to be their personal property. The book, which tells the story of how the media wants Palin to cry all the time, has been endorsed by none other than the persecuted Palin herself. This means she is now at least two Biblical figures: Jesus, and “the new Esther.” But she might even be more than two, because she is many, many things. Read more on Sarah Palin Is Persecuted Jesus Plus Esther Plus Obama-Jesus…
  Have fun at your dumb workshops

Glenn Beck’s Weekend Party Rule: No Wonkettes Allowed

Your Wonkette has been trying all week long to gain entrance to the Right Nation 2010 sideshow spectacular happening in Chicago this weekend. With a line-up that includes star-studs Glenn Beck, Andrew Breitbart, and Aaron Schock, it is, by far, the most exotic political entertainment situation to occur in “Obama’s back yard” since Rod Blagojevich sang that song with FabioFriend. But the last communique from Right Nation HQ, issued several days ago, said that media might not be allowed into the spectacle at all — even if we promised to wear a Beckini. What a sad day for the First Amendment, and for fashion. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Weekend Party Rule: No Wonkettes Allowed…
  sounds like a job for lizzy warren

Why Won’t Sarah Palin Give This Guy His $600 Back?

Our consumer affairs desk brings you the sad, sad story of Donald Cranfill — a man with a name full of pathos, which is his mama’s fault, and a wallet full of empty, which is his Mama Grizzly’s fault. A truck driver, Cranfill bought a $600 ticket to see the actress Sarah Palin perform her funny one-woman show at a fund-raiser that was supposed to happen in Charlotte, N.C. in June. But you know Palin’s habit of saying “hell no I won’t” after she’s agreed to perform — so the fund-raiser never happened. And neither did the refund of Cranfill’s $600, which was last seen in the cash register of the Spanx flagship store in Wasilla. Read more on Why Won’t Sarah Palin Give This Guy His $600 Back?…
  excitable people

Tea Party Guy Needs to Calm Down

LIBTARD MEDIA PEOPLE WHAZZZZUP!!!! This very enthusiastic salmon-colored shirt man is “John Villarreal,” a GOP activist/consultant/ready-to-explode kinda type and talk show host for Modesto, California’s KFIV AM. He talks like he is maybe/partly responsible somehow (?) for the sensational primary wins of Sharron Angle, Christine O’Donnell, and other Tea Party luminary-victors. Is he? Read more on Tea Party Guy Needs to Calm Down…
  duty calls

Is Nancy Pelosi Forcing House Dems To Commit Mortal Sins?

Andrew Breitbart’s Big Government blog is trying to get yet another African-American woman in trouble, because black women have controlled America for far too long now. This time the target is DC’s Democratic faux-House representative Eleanor Holmes Norton, of whom Breitbart claims to have “SHOCK AUDIO” in the form of a voice mail message she allegedly left on a lobbyist’s answering machine thing. The recording raises many concerns about laws and power, especially Pelosi-power! Read more on Is Nancy Pelosi Forcing House Dems To Commit Mortal Sins?…
  call the Friot police

Glenn Beck Doesn’t Care If His Fans Die

American honor-restorer Glenn Beck is so mad about obesity right now, because it costs taxpayers billions of dollars and that is wrong. On his teevee show, he complained about “those fat people that sit on their couch” — you know, the ones whose skin actually “grows into their couch,” until the fire department has to come and rescue them when they finally can’t get up anymore. Beck says we should just “let them die,” those fat fuck loser skin-bags. Is Beck giving up on his audience, or something? Read more on Glenn Beck Doesn’t Care If His Fans Die…
  women must lose to become winners

Today’s Most Popular Democrat Is Not Barack Obama

The statistics whizzes at Public Policy Polling called up almost 600 Ameritards to ask them who was the coolest among these five individuals — Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or Joe Biden. Everyone said, “Joe Biden, cuz he’s rad.” OK, OK, no they didn’t, because Biden is never allowed to win anything. Read more on Today’s Most Popular Democrat Is Not Barack Obama…
  so whose whip is it anyhow?

Obama Slave-Float Makers Just Want America to Be ‘Accountable’

Some Yakima, Washington-area anti-taxers have stirred up a little controversy for a unique parade float they made in honor of Nachos Naches Sportsman’s Days, one of Real America’s favorite holidays. The float featured a person wearing a Barack Obama mask whipping another fellow dressed up as a “future tax payer” and pulling a wagon full of oldsters clutching anti-taxation signs. You might be surprised to find out that these paraders were not post-racial performance artists from some hippie school, but Teabaggers from a group called “Remember Us…We the People.” Read more on Obama Slave-Float Makers Just Want America to Be ‘Accountable’…
  pie charts

Where Will Christine O’Donnell Get Her Campaign Money Now?

While GOP U.S. Senate candidate/“Just say NO”-nanist RealChristine O’Donnell was celebrating her primary victory with the Tea Party & Friends, unnamed Republican aides (probably all boys) told Fox News that the Republican National Senatorial Committee won’t be helping her to raise money for her general election campaign. They don’t think she stands a chance against Democrat Jeff Koons Chris Coons, which is maybe shortsighted, in hindsight. Now what? Read more on Where Will Christine O’Donnell Get Her Campaign Money Now?…
  Life-wasters

Make Michele Bachmann’s Friend ‘Jim’ Say Lies About You

Calling themselves the “Friends of Tarryl Clark,” some friends of Tarryl Clark — Michele Bachmann election opponent, tax-lover, and all-around socialist — have created an Internet game that mocks Bachmann and her campaign-ad friend Jim in a cruel and unjust manner. These so-called “Friends” accuse Jim of making “misleading and false accusations”! All he ever did was try to help people understand how how much Clark will tax your crayons. Read more on Make Michele Bachmann’s Friend ‘Jim’ Say Lies About You…
  the Representative of Negativland

Michele Bachmann Never Gets to Do Anything Fun/Illegal

OMG you guys: Minnesota patriot-princess Michele Bachmann might be in trubs thanks to her campaign-commercial boyfriend, “Jim the Election Rentboy.” The Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party alleges that Bachmann has violated federal election law by letting Jim (real name: Beau Peregino) condescend for the camera just a bit too long in her latest ad. How could such a competent congresswoman commit this obvious blunder? There must be a mistake. Or did Jim and his pricey corn dog somehow mess with her mind? Read more on Michele Bachmann Never Gets to Do Anything Fun/Illegal…
  Abortion kills economies

Newt Gingrich’s Wingnut Pal Explains ‘Abortonomics’

While preaching to a crowd of hipster-lads, pastor and part-time Johnny Cash impersonator Jim Garlow explains why nobody in America can find a job. It’s because everyone has been aborted, so there’s no one left to buy any new stuff. Read more on Newt Gingrich’s Wingnut Pal Explains ‘Abortonomics’…
  Pretties

Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry

Fashionable American daughters of the revolution, do you covet accessories that will please God and the Invisible Hand? Are your crucifix pendants and American flag pins not enough? Then maybe you should pick up a pair of these beautiful, sterling-silver tea bag dingle-dangle earrings and a matching pin, Made in the USA by the metallurgists at Tea Bag Jewelry. Promoting small government has never been so stylish. Read more on Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry…
  the founders had no youtube

Here’s the Stupid 9/12 Video!

If you want to get a feel for what the 9/12 rallies in Washington, Sacramento, and St. Louis were like, just take your laptop to the nearest Old Country Buffet, flip it open next to the meat bar, and watch this video that the Tea Party Patriots made especially for the trifecta-occasion. Read more on Here’s the Stupid 9/12 Video!…
  Schemes From My Father

If You Understand Obama-speak, You’re a Kenyan Anti-Colonialist

Writing in Forbes magazine, hardscrabble investigative reporter Dinesh D’Souza has presented America with some startling facts: Barack Obama is ruining America in order to realize the socialist, anti-colonialist dreams of his drunk-driving, wife-beating polygamist African dad, Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. Having read D’Souza’s article on the Internet while taking a break from browsing Match.com for “new young women without cancer,” historian/journalist Newt Gingrich deemed D’Souza’s nonsense the “most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama.” Gingrich asks a Serious Follow-up Question: is Obama “so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?” Read more on If You Understand Obama-speak, You’re a Kenyan Anti-Colonialist…