Kris E. Benson

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Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

Indiana Officials Help Republican Donor’s Charter School Get A++ In Grade Inflation

Those of you Wonketeers who work at or have attended a "poorly performing" public school surely know that one does not have to suffer the consequences of poor performance -- consequences that include replacing the principal, laying off teachers,...

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly--and he's doing it in PUBLIC, no less,...

Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day

Today was just like any other day in that we woke up thinking, "Can we love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, given that she is one of a tiny handful of people who seems not only...

Royal British Baby Cheaper Than American Regular Babies Because Free Market Is Always Right

America is the best country in the world for reasons that we've gone over many times before. Our Vice Presidents shoot people in the face for no reason. We make and deploy sky robots all over the world to...

House GOP Already Failing According To New Standard John Boehner Just Made Up

"How is John Boehner helping House Republicans ruin the government today, along with my access to health care and possibly my ability to put food on my family?" you might be wondering. The answer is, of course, "Same as yesterday,...

Texas Deathtrap Roller Coaster Company Will Investigate Itself, For Freedom

"With No Safety Oversight, Six Flags Will Investigate Roller Coaster Death Itself," says a U.S. News headline that we totally could have written. Does it surprise you to learn that this death trap of an unregulated roller coaster is...

Helen Thomas Meets Deadline

Your Wonkette comes bearing sad news: Helen Thomas, "White House Crone," died today at age 92 after a long and eventful tour through the halls of the White House. Younger Wonketeers may only know her from that 2010 video where she...

Jimmy Carter Says NSA Surveillance Has Killed Democracy; Didn’t Notice Other Suspects Holding Bloody Axes (Updated)

Jimmy Carter, your Wonkette's favorite elder statesman, caused a bit of a kerfuffle with statements made at a closed-door event in Atlanta for an Atlantic Bridge meeting:  "Amerika hat derzeit keine funktionierende Demokratie", sagte Carter am Dienstag bei einer Veranstaltung...

Let’s Not Educate Our Kids Anymore, Suggests Genius Utah Senator

As we are sure you know, those laboratories of democracy have been very busy lately forcing women to have children against their will. But one Republican state senator from Utah is quite a multi-tasker! Because he has also found time...

American Government Propaganda is Not Actually Propaganda, Says Government Official

Congress has worse ratings than cockroaches, Genghis Khan, and Nickelback. More than half of Americans think that the country is heading in the wrong direction. Over half of Americans think of Edward Snowden as a whistle-blower rather than a...

DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home

Here is a number that has put District of Columbia Mayor Vincent C. Gray in the unenviable position of deciding who writes legislation for his city -- Wal-mart, or the democratically elected city council: 12.50. See, the D.C. council, interested in...

Rand Paul’s Social Media Dude, The ‘Southern Avenger,’ Surely Only Southern-Avenging Non-Racist Things

After years of lurking in the shadows of his father's success, Rand Paul has hired a racist, possibly anti-Semitic staffer to wrangle future Rand-tards using the power of the interwebs and help him assemble his own cadre of misguided...

Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds

What a tempting offer for our nation's cadre of experienced lawyers: work for the Justice Department, reviewing applications for wiretaps in major federal criminal investigations. Probably this is pretty easy, given (as we've recently learned) that there is no...

Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet

Good news everyone! Egyptians have (once again) taken to Tahrir square by the millions, and, aided by the military, deposed a sitting president. What is the appropriate reaction here? Is it: a) indifference, because we are ethnocentric Americans who cannot even...

NSA Recruitment Drive Goes Well, Under the Circumstances

Would you believe that holding a recruitment drive for the NSA is, well, not so easy these days? Apparently some Americans -- probably just the ones who are not quite desperate enough for gainful employment and medical benefits --...

Edward Snowden Issues Statement from Wikileaks Website…Or Does He?

Did Edward Snowden actually write the statement that appears on the Wikileaks website? Maybe, maybe not, but your Wonkette has accessed the Wikileaks website for you, for the purposes of critical analysis re: said statement. Now the NSA will...