Author Archives: Kris E. Benson

Full Name: Kris E. Benson Website:
Info: Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson
  is our children learning?

Indiana Officials Help Republican Donor’s Charter School Get A++ In Grade Inflation

Those of you Wonketeers who work at or have attended a “poorly performing” public school surely know that one does not have to suffer the consequences of poor performance — consequences that include replacing the principal, laying off teachers, losing tax revenue, or closing the school entirely. No, one does not have to suffer the indignity of these consequences; one simply gets on the horn to the state official responsible for overseeing education and asks him to overhaul the entire grading system so that the school’s grade will be a positive one, and being a good sport, the state official will immediately agree, saving everyone a lot of time and trouble. Except ha ha, this is only true if you happen to work for or attend a poorly performing charter school that is run by a prominent political donor to the GOP. From the Miami Herald: Former Indiana and current Florida schools chief Tony Bennett built his national star by promising to hold “failing” schools accountable. But when it appeared an Indianapolis charter school run by a prominent Republican donor [Christel DeHaan] might receive a poor grade, Bennett’s education team frantically overhauled his signature “A-F” school grading system to improve the school’s mark. Read more on Indiana Officials Help Republican Donor’s Charter School Get A++ In Grade Inflation…
  quiet rooms

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly–and he’s doing it in PUBLIC, no less, where he has been talking about income inequality and its effect on America’s social fabric. Did you forget that he had made some big speeches about the middle class this week? We did too, because we were busy being distracted by Anthony Weiner‘s Carlos Danger’s penis, but luckily, the New York Times has written an article about Obama’s pivot to open socialist commie Marxism, (probably to distract everyone from BENGHAZI). Read more on Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?…
  Who is Liz Warren Yelling at Today?

Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day

Today was just like any other day in that we woke up thinking, “Can we love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, given that she is one of a tiny handful of people who seems not only committed to putting the banks in their place but also sufficiently empowered, politically, intellectually, and otherwise, to do so?” And, just like any other day, we found very quickly that the answer is “Yes, we CAN love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, because it seems like she is planning to yell at banks again, which brings us an immeasurable amount of pleasure.” Today the Senate Banking Committee met to discuss Wall Street’s role in the global commodities business, and as you can imagine Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was quite outspoken about the fact that she wants it majorly diminished. “…I share the concern of many of my colleagues about asset managers at huge Wall Street banks exercising control of key parts of America’s infrastructure,” she said. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day…
  how much does royal babby cost?

Royal British Baby Cheaper Than American Regular Babies Because Free Market Is Always Right

America is the best country in the world for reasons that we’ve gone over many times before. Our Vice Presidents shoot people in the face for no reason. We make and deploy sky robots all over the world to kill people who didn’t even do anything. And our testicles are so big that they can’t even fit in our pants all the time and have to dangle unimpeded from the trailer hitches of our enormous trucks. Clearly, Americans are awesome. Probably we are awesome because our babies cost more money than babies anywhere else on earth and the free market thus blesses us from the day we are born. Our babies even cost more than the new royal baby, whose market value at this point is only a paltry $15,000: Read more on Royal British Baby Cheaper Than American Regular Babies Because Free Market Is Always Right…
  wake up sheeple

House GOP Already Failing According To New Standard John Boehner Just Made Up

“How is John Boehner helping House Republicans ruin the government today, along with my access to health care and possibly my ability to put food on my family?” you might be wondering. The answer is, of course, “Same as yesterday, mostly, only now he is speaking openly about it on Sunday yap shows”:  House Speaker John Boehner says Congress “ought to be judged on how many laws we repeal” [because] the U.S. has “more laws than the administration could ever enforce.” An excellent idea from a man who could not pass his ass with both hands!..Or IS it? Would Boehner benefit from such a bizarre metric? The answer is no, he would not. For the purposes of critical analysis, we evaluated how the House is doing so far this year based on how many bills they repealed, and were not terribly shocked to learn that they are not doing too well! Behold, the tally of laws they have tried and failed to repeal: Read more on House GOP Already Failing According To New Standard John Boehner Just Made Up…
  freedom isn't free!

Texas Deathtrap Roller Coaster Company Will Investigate Itself, For Freedom

“With No Safety Oversight, Six Flags Will Investigate Roller Coaster Death Itself,” says a U.S. News headline that we totally could have written. Does it surprise you to learn that this death trap of an unregulated roller coaster is in Texas? No, of course it doesn’t. Does it surprise you that there are absolutely zero elected or appointed officials charged with coordinating the legislative, bureaucratic, or legal ramifications of such a death? No, it is Texas, so this too is unsurprising. Rosy Esparza of Dallas died Friday night when she fell from the Texas Giant, which is billed as the world’s steepest wooden roller coaster. Six Flags initially said in a statement that it was “working with authorities” to figure out what happened. But it later had to admit that it was running the investigation itself because there are no authorities to work with. Read more on Texas Deathtrap Roller Coaster Company Will Investigate Itself, For Freedom…
  you downplay just ONE genocide...

Helen Thomas Meets Deadline

Your Wonkette comes bearing sad news: Helen Thomas, “White House Crone,” died today at age 92 after a long and eventful tour through the halls of the White House. Younger Wonketeers may only know her from that 2010 video where she made anti-Semitic comments , but she was also the first woman assigned to a full time position as a White House reporter and, over the course of a half century, reported on every U.S. president from John Kennedy to Barack Obama. She was the only reporter to accompany Nixon to China. She asked hard questions that made G.W. appear almost — not quite, but almost — sympathetic in his bumbling idiocy, and — unlike many contemporary journalists (YOU KNOW WHO WE MEAN) could be combative and hostile to press secretaries and the presidents they worked for. For example, she practically called Dana Perino a warmongering hussy, right to her face, and asked Obama why the hell we were still in Afghanistan given the corruption of the Karzai regime, its inhospitable terrain, and the mounting death toll. And — in addition to doing all that — she stalked Stephen Colbert, which we present to you in her honor: Read more on Helen Thomas Meets Deadline…
  democracy is for suckers

Jimmy Carter Says NSA Surveillance Has Killed Democracy; Didn’t Notice Other Suspects Holding Bloody Axes (Updated)

Jimmy Carter, your Wonkette’s favorite elder statesman, caused a bit of a kerfuffle with statements made at a closed-door event in Atlanta for an Atlantic Bridge meeting:  “Amerika hat derzeit keine funktionierende Demokratie”, sagte Carter am Dienstag bei einer Veranstaltung der “Atlantik-Brücke” in Atlanta. No, the kerfuffle was not caused by Jimmy Carter speaking German at the Atlantic Bridge meeting; it is in German because no American press outlets showed up to cover the event. The kerfuffle resulted from the English translation of Der Spiegel‘s German translation of Jimmy Carter’s speech, as well as the context within which it was said. From HuffPo: Former President Jimmy Carter announced support for NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden this week, saying that his uncovering of the agency’s massive surveillance programs had proven “beneficial” … “America does not have a functioning democracy at this point in time,” Carter said, according to a translation by Inquisitr. UPDATED BELOW: Would you believe Jimmy Carter’s cool grandson, JE Carter IV, says nuh uh, never happened? Read more on Jimmy Carter Says NSA Surveillance Has Killed Democracy; Didn’t Notice Other Suspects Holding Bloody Axes (Updated)…
  Because Utah

Let’s Not Educate Our Kids Anymore, Suggests Genius Utah Senator

As we are sure you know, those laboratories of democracy have been very busy lately forcing women to have children against their will. But one Republican state senator from Utah is quite a multi-tasker! Because he has also found time to call for an end to mandatory education, looking to the Victorian era of Dickensian workhouses as a model for the state to pattern itself after: A Republican state senator in Utah is calling for the end of mandatory education in the state. State Sen. Aaron Osmond (R-South Jordan) wrote on the state Senate blogFriday that mandatory education in the state has forced teachers and schools to take on parenting responsibilities. Prior to the mandate taking effect in 1890, he wrote, education was “an opportunity” and parents were more engaged. Read more on Let’s Not Educate Our Kids Anymore, Suggests Genius Utah Senator…
  journamalism

American Government Propaganda is Not Actually Propaganda, Says Government Official

Congress has worse ratings than cockroaches, Genghis Khan, and Nickelback. More than half of Americans think that the country is heading in the wrong direction. Over half of Americans think of Edward Snowden as a whistle-blower rather than a traitor. Should the government: a) take a serious look at the country, its policies, and the general desires of the American people to consider how its institutions can better tailor their various goals and strategies to people’s needs or b) convince the American people that their opinions, needs, and desires are wrong. The answer, of course, is b) convince the American people that their opinions, needs, and desires are wrong. From Foreign Policy: Read more on American Government Propaganda is Not Actually Propaganda, Says Government Official…
  only commies want their workers off food stamps

DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home

Here is a number that has put District of Columbia Mayor Vincent C. Gray in the unenviable position of deciding who writes legislation for his city — Wal-mart, or the democratically elected city council: 12.50. See, the D.C. council, interested in shielding city residents from a cycle of endless poverty and government dependency, have voted for a living wage law mandating that retailers with indoor premises of over 75,000 sq feet and $1 billion in annual revenue pay their employees at least $12.50 per hour. Walmart is threatening to leave DC if the mayor does not veto the bill, saying it cannot possibly afford to pay employees at least $12.50 per hour, given that it can only afford to pay its CEO a paltry $20.7 million per year and is the number 2 company in the Fortune 500 list. Via the Washington Post: Read more on DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home…
  family traditions

Rand Paul’s Social Media Dude, The ‘Southern Avenger,’ Surely Only Southern-Avenging Non-Racist Things

After years of lurking in the shadows of his father’s success, Rand Paul has hired a racist, possibly anti-Semitic staffer to wrangle future Rand-tards using the power of the interwebs and help him assemble his own cadre of misguided white people. There is no way that this will end poorly, and soon it will be raining RAND paul-tards, lucky us! Oh, the name of this new staffer? Oh, it’s just the “Southern Avenger,” but don’t worry, he is not avenging anything that could possibly be construed as racist, like say annually raising a toast to John Wilkes Booth, so it’s fine! Read more on Rand Paul’s Social Media Dude, The ‘Southern Avenger,’ Surely Only Southern-Avenging Non-Racist Things…
  Money is overrated

Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds

What a tempting offer for our nation’s cadre of experienced lawyers: work for the Justice Department, reviewing applications for wiretaps in major federal criminal investigations. Probably this is pretty easy, given (as we’ve recently learned) that there is no reason NOT to ever wiretap! So if you want something a little more challenging, perhaps you can serve as a special attorney in the Office of Enforcement Operations. But wait! There’s more! Not only could you maybe work for the Justice Department for a year in either of these important positions, you can do it in exchange for absolutely no money! Yes! That’s right! You will get paid in Experience, which, like Exposure, is even better than money! Read more on Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds…
  let the hague sort it out

Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet

Good news everyone! Egyptians have (once again) taken to Tahrir square by the millions, and, aided by the military, deposed a sitting president. What is the appropriate reaction here? Is it: a) indifference, because we are ethnocentric Americans who cannot even find Egypt on a map. b) elation, because, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  put it, “no one is free when others are oppressed” and the Egyptian people have once again proved that they are interested in controlling their own collective destiny. c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Duh, the correct answer according to the Wall Street Journal‘s editorial board is: c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Read more on Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet…
  no such acronym

NSA Recruitment Drive Goes Well, Under the Circumstances

Would you believe that holding a recruitment drive for the NSA is, well, not so easy these days? Apparently some Americans — probably just the ones who are not quite desperate enough for gainful employment and medical benefits — are a little bit uncomfortable with working for an agency that is explicitly tasked with secretly vi0lating (what little is left of) our Fourth Amendment rights. Here, let us enjoy the good parts of this recording of college kids yelling at the NSA, courtesy of student journalist Madiha R. Tahir: Tahir: “Do you consider Germany and the countries that the NSA has been spying upon to be adversaries, or are you, right now, not speaking the truth?” Recruiter 1: “You can define adversary as ‘enemy’ and, clearly, Germany is not our enemy. But would we have foreign national interests from an intelligence perspective on what’s going on across the globe? Yeah, we do.” Tahir: “So by ‘adversaries’, you actually mean anybody and everybody. There is nobody, then, by your definition that is not an adversary. Is that correct?” Yes, duh. What — do you think the Cold War is over or something? No, it is not over, which is why we are spying on those socialists in Europe. Also, we have a War on Terror going on at the same time, which means we have to collect metadata from all Americans, just in case one of them becomes a terrorist. What is a “terrorist,” you ask, perplexed about the fact that neither the international community nor the United States is able to present one unified, clear, coherent legal definition? Not important, let the secret surveillance court worry about that, dear. Seriously, can’t the NSA just hand out  highlighter pens that look like tampons and talk to kids without being harassed? Read more on NSA Recruitment Drive Goes Well, Under the Circumstances…
  I've had my share of the spying game

Edward Snowden Issues Statement from Wikileaks Website…Or Does He?

Did Edward Snowden actually write the statement that appears on the Wikileaks website? Maybe, maybe not, but your Wonkette has accessed the Wikileaks website for you, for the purposes of critical analysis re: said statement. Now the NSA will extra carefully target us for visiting Wikileaks, and just lightly target you all for visiting Wonkette, YOU ARE WELCOME. Here it is in full, via Wikileaks: On Thursday, President Obama declared before the world that he would not permit any diplomatic “wheeling and dealing” over my case. Yet now it is being reported that after promising not to do so, the President ordered his Vice President to pressure the leaders of nations from which I have requested protection to deny my asylum petitions. We are not sure that an offhand comment at a press conference counts as a solemn “promise” in any case, but let us read on! Read more on Edward Snowden Issues Statement from Wikileaks Website…Or Does He?…