Author Archives: Kris E. Benson

Full Name: Kris E. Benson Website:
Info: Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson
  all the education you can afford

Student Loan Debt Leads to Unexpected Immortality

S-M-R-T
Here is the good news about student loans: they can apparently lead to your eventual immortality. The bad news: they lead to your eventual immortality by haunting your loved ones even after your death. Read more on Student Loan Debt Leads to Unexpected Immortality…
  Minnesota Nice

Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses

greedy minimum wage worker sticking it to the man
Greedy worker Oh good, a brave Job Creator is finally taking a stand against waitresses and also the people who patronize his restaurant by adding a “minimum wage fee” to the bill. Finally someone is dong SOMETHING about greedy servers who can now charge the princely sum of $4.90 – $6.15 per hour for their services! We don’t use the word “hero” often, but nothing short of a hero would protest Minnesota’s first minimum wage increase in nearly a decade. Read more on Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses…
  i will work harder!

Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL

Here is a fun fact: when Poors have less money, they spend less money. Also, when you give people money, they spend more money. However, when you punish  poor people by withholding their money to spend on food they have less money to spend on food, so they spend less money on food. The end result is not, as Rand Paul argued, “less slavery,”  but rather less food being sold.  Read more on Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL…
  banksters

Jamie Dimon Gets Well-Deserved Raise

A year after an embarrassing trading blowup led to millions of dollars being docked from Jamie Dimon’s paycheck, the chairman and chief executive ofJPMorgan Chase is getting a raise. Of course he is, because share prices have increased and this is the only thing that really matters. Did JP Morgan, under Jamie Dimon’s watch, preside over a global financial crisis, enable Bernie Madoff to conduct a years-long pyramid scheme, and rack up billions of dollars in fines due to a multi-billion dollar trading fiasco executed by the so-called “London Whale,” along with earning what may be the largest fine in the history of American financial regulation? Did it also engage in reckless manipulation of energy prices and silver prices, launder money for drug cartels, and break securities laws in mortgage deals? Yes, it definitely did many of these things and probably did most of them, but this just means that Jamie Dimon was able to see the bank through “a difficult period” and thus deserves a raise: Read more on Jamie Dimon Gets Well-Deserved Raise…
  governor moneybeam

Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown

Only a former Goldman-Sachs executive who has never held elected office and supervised the bank bailout under George W. Bush would have the hubris to survey a landscape rife with inequality, a shrinking middle class, and a 21.5% high school drop-out rate and think, “gee, I am exactly what the state of California needs right now: a job-creator and a go-getter who has what it takes to fix education and help Poors!” Do you think we are joking? Wonkette does not tell “jokes.” From the L.A. Times:  Former U.S. Treasury official Neel Kashkari announced Tuesday that he is running for governor of California, staking his campaign on his ability to create jobs and improve public schools. […] Kashkari, who has never held elected office, ran the taxpayer-funded federal bank bailout under President George W. Bush and Obama and has worked as a fund manager, investment banker and engineer. He pointed to his work running the bailout, when politicians worked together to ward off financial disaster, as an example of what he hoped to accomplish in California. Read more on Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown…
  A Sphincter Says What?

Millionaire NYT Columnist David Brooks: Poor People Won’t Be Poor If They Just Act Like Rich People

Good news, Poors! David Brooks has decided to take on the topic of income inequality, and has concluded that 1) income inequality is not actually a problem, and 2) if it were, we shouldn’t solve it by giving poor people more money, and also 3) the growing income of the 1% has nothing to do with the shrinking incomes of the rest of us. Hear that? NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Here, let the man with the 4 million dollar home explain to us why giving money to poor people will be of absolutely no help to them. Read more on Millionaire NYT Columnist David Brooks: Poor People Won’t Be Poor If They Just Act Like Rich People…
  luntz it up

Are You On The NYPD’s List Of ‘Demographic Americans’? Are You Brown? Then Yes!

Fun fact: after 9/11, the NYPD created something called  a “demographics unit,” devoted to spending time in South Asian and Middle Eastern neighborhoods in New York, New Haven, and various neighborhoods in New Jersey  under the supervision of a CIA agent who worked closely with another former CIA agent hired by the NYPD shortly after 9/11. But don’t worry, the NYPD/CIA officers don’t spy on anyone or anything; they “just” go to mosques so they can “know what they are saying,” and sometimes spend hours in halal markets, bookstores, barbershops, gyms, and restaurants, writing down detailed logs of conversations wherein participants express concern about drone strike frequency in Pakistan, for example, or the ongoing occupation of Afghanistan. What? Using the CIA to spy on Americans is illegal, you say?  And targeting Americans based on their ethnic or racial characteristics violates the 14th Amendment? First of all, you have a pre-9/11 mindset. And second, they aren’t spying on regular Americans, they are spying on demographic Americans, who are probably up to no good anyways. This is why it is TOTALLY not like when the NYPD had a “black desk” in the ’60s to spy on African Americans: Read more on Are You On The NYPD’s List Of ‘Demographic Americans’? Are You Brown? Then Yes!…
  freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Sorry, New Jersey Man, You Forgot To Pay Your Insurance Carrier’s 26 Cents, Please Go Die

Once upon a time, there was a nice man named Sergio Branco who lived in New Jersey with his wife and kids, working for a waste management company called Russell Reid on weekdays and hosting large barbeques for his family and friends on the weekends. Then one day, Russell Reid did not feel so well, and after taking three months off work (as sanctioned by the Family Medical Leave Act) to seek medical treatment, he learned that he was suffering from acute myeloid leukemia, which would kill him if he didn’t get a bone marrow transplant. Sergio was sad that he had leukemia but happy on the other hand that he had medical insurance through his job, until the three months of the FMLA was over and his job fired him. But that was STILL not so bad because he could at least take advantage of COBRA, or so he thought: Branco was fired on April 30, so he had until June 30 to decide whether or not he wanted COBRA. After that, the payments would be due…and payments were not due until July… The cost would be $518.26 per month. So on or about May 24, [Sergio’s wife Mara] Branco filled out the paperwork and mailed a check to Paychex for the first month of coverage. She wrote the check, dated May 24, for an even $518, inadvertently missing the 26 cents. Paychex cashed the check on June 11. …And then a couple weeks later, give or take, the hospital said that they may not be able to give any more treatment because Sergio did not have insurance coverage. And then Sergio’s wife entered a Kafka-esque nightmare wherein she tried, oh how she tried, to give Paychex the 26 cents that she owed them, and Paychex refused to take it because Russell Reid (Sergio’s old employer) had told them not to, and Russell Reid claimed that they weren’t sure what exactly what was going on and promised to look into it but never did, and on July 2 Paychex sent them a letter telling them they had no health insurance coverage and returned the $518 check. Read more on Sorry, New Jersey Man, You Forgot To Pay Your Insurance Carrier’s 26 Cents, Please Go Die…
  luntz it up

Rick Santorum Does Not Care For Your ‘Marxism Talk’ About ‘The Middle Class,’ Which Does Not Exist

Why is Rick Santorum still talking, and more importantly, why is anyone still interested in hearing him talk, given that he holds no office and everyone wishes he’d go away? Your Wonkette does not have the answer to these questions, but we DO have a video of him referring to any discussion of the middle class as “Marxism talk” at a speech he made in Iowa for some reason. This presumably only refers to Obama’s use of the term “middle class,” seeing as Santorum’s old presidential campaign website contains a page titled “Santorum hopes to rebuild middle class.” But anyway, yes, “middle class” is “Marxism talk,” let us learn about why! Read more on Rick Santorum Does Not Care For Your ‘Marxism Talk’ About ‘The Middle Class,’ Which Does Not Exist…
  bankers behaving badly

Justice Department Threatens to Rap Banks on Wrist, Again

Another day, another instance of bank wrongdoing, this is the world we live in! Or rather, this is the world we WOULD live in if banks were capable of engaging in wrongdoing, which of course they are not, duh. Anyway, what have the banks been accused of doing this time? Oh nothing, just engaging in massive fraud to the tune of $850,000,000, for cleverly disguising crappy mortgage-backed securities as good mortgage-backed securities and then selling them to unsuspecting investors: According to the lawsuits Bank of America made misleading statements and failed to disclose important facts about the mortgages underlying a securitisation named BOAMS 2008-A. More than 40% of the 1,191 mortgages in the securitisation did not comply with the bank’s underwriting standards, according to the complaint. “These misstatements and omissions concerned the quality and safety of the mortgages collateralising the BOAMS 2008-A securitisation, how it originated those mortgages and the likelihood that the ‘prime’ loans would perform as expected,” the justice department said in its statement. Translation: almost half of the mortgages underlying the securities were so bad that they (allegedly) did not pass Bank of America’s own underwriting standards, but were nonetheless packaged and sold as prime, which they certainly were not. BofA’s argument is 1) that their investors were “sophisticated” (translation: probably kind of rich), and 2) that everyone was doing it, Mom! Read more on Justice Department Threatens to Rap Banks on Wrist, Again…
  communists under the bed

Commies at ‘Business Insider’ Just Cold Destroying Capitalism Now

How wonderful, the last time we checked in with Business Insider they were running articles on how you are not a winner if you want to see your wife and kids every so often, but now they are run by a bona fide Commie! Yes! A Commie! The Commie, one Henry Blodget, is complaining about late capitalism and all of its foundational premises: specifically, that businesses have a legal obligation to maximize shareholder value at the expense of, oh, worker quality of life, community well being, and basically the entire economy: One of the big reasons the U.S. economy is so lousy is that big American companies are hoarding cash and “maximizing profits” instead of investing in their people and future projects. This behavior is contributing to record income inequality in the country and starving the primary engine of U.S. economic growth — the vast American middle class — of purchasing power. Ha ha ha, we no longer have a middle class, so the joke is on you! Read more on Commies at ‘Business Insider’ Just Cold Destroying Capitalism Now…
  police blotter

Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death

Did you feel as though an intangible but perceptible cloud of safety and serenity descended on your community sometime last week? Probably this is because you live in Park Forest, Illinois, where local police successfully tased and beanbagged a 95-year-old World War II veteran to death last week for being ornery and refusing to put down a kitchen knife. Or maybe there was no kitchen knife and it was actually a shoehorn, who can be sure. But yes, thankfully, residents of Park Forest can sleep more soundly knowing that they are safe from the menace of cranky 95-year-olds thanks to Park Forest’s best and brightest! Read more on Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death…
  Faux Nooz

Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress

“Why is Congress full of morons, Eric Cantor? Why does it suck so very very hard, Eric Cantor? Why is attempting to repeal Obamacare your go-to solution for just about every pressing problem facing the American people, Eric Cantor? Aren’t we heading for a major disaster because you guys are too busy playing grabass to actually get down to the work of real governance?” Excellent questions! And would you believe us if we told you that they were asked by none other than Fox News’ Chris Wallace? Yes! Really! And we have video to prove it! It starts with a tight shot of Eric Cantor’s smarmy mug, and him saying something about cutting all the “regulation coming out of this town,” and you think to yourself, MY GOD WHY AM I WATCHING FOX NEWS. But then BAM! Chris Wallace jumps in and is all, “are you an idiot, or are you counting on the fact that I won’t call you an idiot on the air, because it is Fox News?” Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress…
  money that's what i want

Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California

JP Morgan is going to have to pay $410 million dollars for manipulating energy markets in California and Michigan between 2010-2012, and if you’re thinking that this sounds an awful lot like what Enron was doing, well, you’re right! It was! Via CNN Money: The bank’s energy unit, JP Morgan Venture Energy Corporation, was accused of raising electricity rates in these markets between September 2010 and November 2012 through “manipulative bidding strategies,” according to the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. […] The bank neither admitted nor denied the violations, but said it would work with outside counsel to review its policies and practices in the power business. Read more on Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California…
  all the education you can afford

Student Loan Bill Lubes Up At Least Before Screwing Students

Surely you Wonketteers have heard the librul media and members of Congress crowing about the new student loan bill, which is apparently not only a great deal for students but is also significant because it demonstrates that Congress is capable of passing something on a bipartisan basis. Everybody wins: Congress looks good! The new bill doesn’t add to the deficit! And students’ rates will fluctuate with the market so now students have EVEN MORE skin in the game! USA USA! Here, let us take a closer look at the crappy deal that everyone is so excited about. Read more on Student Loan Bill Lubes Up At Least Before Screwing Students…
  the final derptier

House GOP Will Explain To NASA All About This Space And Science Stuff

Hello, have you met the Republican wingnuts on the House Science Committee? They include: Paul Broun, who has told supporters that evolution and the big bang theory “are lies straight from the pit of hell,”  and Dana Rorhabacher, who once suggested that temperature fluctuations on earth millions of years ago can be traced to dinosaur flatulence. There is also good old Todd Akin, who has stated that “legitimate” rape cannot result in pregnancy because women’s bodies have a way to “shut that whole thing down.” So it is not really a big surprise that these learned men reviewed NASA’s carefully prepared plans, shot them to shit, and gave them new marching orders to complete on a reduced budget: Read more on House GOP Will Explain To NASA All About This Space And Science Stuff…
  is our children learning?

Indiana Officials Help Republican Donor’s Charter School Get A++ In Grade Inflation

Those of you Wonketeers who work at or have attended a “poorly performing” public school surely know that one does not have to suffer the consequences of poor performance — consequences that include replacing the principal, laying off teachers, losing tax revenue, or closing the school entirely. No, one does not have to suffer the indignity of these consequences; one simply gets on the horn to the state official responsible for overseeing education and asks him to overhaul the entire grading system so that the school’s grade will be a positive one, and being a good sport, the state official will immediately agree, saving everyone a lot of time and trouble. Except ha ha, this is only true if you happen to work for or attend a poorly performing charter school that is run by a prominent political donor to the GOP. From the Miami Herald: Former Indiana and current Florida schools chief Tony Bennett built his national star by promising to hold “failing” schools accountable. But when it appeared an Indianapolis charter school run by a prominent Republican donor [Christel DeHaan] might receive a poor grade, Bennett’s education team frantically overhauled his signature “A-F” school grading system to improve the school’s mark. Read more on Indiana Officials Help Republican Donor’s Charter School Get A++ In Grade Inflation…
  quiet rooms

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly–and he’s doing it in PUBLIC, no less, where he has been talking about income inequality and its effect on America’s social fabric. Did you forget that he had made some big speeches about the middle class this week? We did too, because we were busy being distracted by Anthony Weiner‘s Carlos Danger’s penis, but luckily, the New York Times has written an article about Obama’s pivot to open socialist commie Marxism, (probably to distract everyone from BENGHAZI). Read more on Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?…
  Who is Liz Warren Yelling at Today?

Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day

Today was just like any other day in that we woke up thinking, “Can we love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, given that she is one of a tiny handful of people who seems not only committed to putting the banks in their place but also sufficiently empowered, politically, intellectually, and otherwise, to do so?” And, just like any other day, we found very quickly that the answer is “Yes, we CAN love Elizabeth Warren more today than we did yesterday, because it seems like she is planning to yell at banks again, which brings us an immeasurable amount of pleasure.” Today the Senate Banking Committee met to discuss Wall Street’s role in the global commodities business, and as you can imagine Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was quite outspoken about the fact that she wants it majorly diminished. “…I share the concern of many of my colleagues about asset managers at huge Wall Street banks exercising control of key parts of America’s infrastructure,” she said. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Yells at Banks Again, Because It Is A Day…
  how much does royal babby cost?

Royal British Baby Cheaper Than American Regular Babies Because Free Market Is Always Right

America is the best country in the world for reasons that we’ve gone over many times before. Our Vice Presidents shoot people in the face for no reason. We make and deploy sky robots all over the world to kill people who didn’t even do anything. And our testicles are so big that they can’t even fit in our pants all the time and have to dangle unimpeded from the trailer hitches of our enormous trucks. Clearly, Americans are awesome. Probably we are awesome because our babies cost more money than babies anywhere else on earth and the free market thus blesses us from the day we are born. Our babies even cost more than the new royal baby, whose market value at this point is only a paltry $15,000: Read more on Royal British Baby Cheaper Than American Regular Babies Because Free Market Is Always Right…
  wake up sheeple

House GOP Already Failing According To New Standard John Boehner Just Made Up

“How is John Boehner helping House Republicans ruin the government today, along with my access to health care and possibly my ability to put food on my family?” you might be wondering. The answer is, of course, “Same as yesterday, mostly, only now he is speaking openly about it on Sunday yap shows”:  House Speaker John Boehner says Congress “ought to be judged on how many laws we repeal” [because] the U.S. has “more laws than the administration could ever enforce.” An excellent idea from a man who could not pass his ass with both hands!..Or IS it? Would Boehner benefit from such a bizarre metric? The answer is no, he would not. For the purposes of critical analysis, we evaluated how the House is doing so far this year based on how many bills they repealed, and were not terribly shocked to learn that they are not doing too well! Behold, the tally of laws they have tried and failed to repeal: Read more on House GOP Already Failing According To New Standard John Boehner Just Made Up…
  freedom isn't free!

Texas Deathtrap Roller Coaster Company Will Investigate Itself, For Freedom

“With No Safety Oversight, Six Flags Will Investigate Roller Coaster Death Itself,” says a U.S. News headline that we totally could have written. Does it surprise you to learn that this death trap of an unregulated roller coaster is in Texas? No, of course it doesn’t. Does it surprise you that there are absolutely zero elected or appointed officials charged with coordinating the legislative, bureaucratic, or legal ramifications of such a death? No, it is Texas, so this too is unsurprising. Rosy Esparza of Dallas died Friday night when she fell from the Texas Giant, which is billed as the world’s steepest wooden roller coaster. Six Flags initially said in a statement that it was “working with authorities” to figure out what happened. But it later had to admit that it was running the investigation itself because there are no authorities to work with. Read more on Texas Deathtrap Roller Coaster Company Will Investigate Itself, For Freedom…