Look, we haven’t read “Radar Online” since it was actually Radar Online, when Alex Balk was editor and Choire Sicha was “the cat.” But whatever’s left of that site — OCTOMOM EATS OWN POOP, SUES BRAGJALINA!!! — is reporting that wingnut Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is going to quit, for “personal reasons,” meaning he likes to wriggle around in excrement. And then Barack Obama can appoint … Tiger Woods?

AND NOW FOR THE SHOCKING “JOHN ROBERTS IS TOTALLY GAY” PHOTO. MORE »

Sex-hating weirdo Ross Douthat, like most Christian nerds, found the perfect mix of Dungeons and Dragons and Jesus Monster in C.S. Lewis’ boring Christian allegorical rip-offs of Harry Potter. So in his exciting new NYT column, Douthat naturally wastes space in the Paper of Record wondering why Jews can’t have a magical Middle Earth “Narnia” full of talking animals and pixie dust just like Jesus gave the Christians. Are Jews just bad people? MORE »

PETE STARK OUT AS WAYS & MEANS CHAIR: Nancy Pelosi has replaced sketchy old liberal placeholder Pete Stark with Sander Levin of Michigan, who will now have sketchy old liberal Charlie Rangel’s powerful House chairmanship. This message brought to you by Democracy. [Roll Call]

The grifter is a busy bee this week: “The as-yet untitled book by Palin, widely considered to be weighing a run for U.S. president, will feature selections of readings that have inspired her and portraits of people she admires.” Okay Willow, crayons are over there under the Taco Bell bags, get to work on those portraits of Reagan and the ESPN Sportscenter anchor guys (but not Olbermann). Bristol? Clip some shit out of those old Reader’s Digests and Sunset magazines Todd stole from the dentist’s office to insulate the garage. No not the ads you idiot, the inspirationals! [Reuters]

This is so great, so inspiring. In fact, we’re going into the studio today with Thievery Corporation and Kermit the Frog, who will stay up all night snorting Adderall and reading YouTube comments about FEMA death camps over a chill kind of trip-hop thing. And for the end? Let’s computer animate a motherfucking robot horse! LET’S DO IT. [YouTube]

Snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin rolled into Los Angeles on Wednesday to perform as “Jack Hanna’s anger bear” on the Jay Leno program and to scoop up some more piles of fancy clothes and cosmetics that somebody else paid for, at this “Oscar gifting suite.” But what was her true, secret mission? To make even more money for Sarah Palin, and to collect even more free crap, and to maybe get the guy who produced that Survivor game show to make a special reality show about her, Sarah Palin. MORE »

• It is very rude of the elected president and his party’s big majorities in the House and Senate to consider a vote on the Health Care reform bills promised by the president and already passed by the House and the Senate. [New York Times]
• Today’s terrifying earthquake was in … Taiwan! [BBC News]
• Sarah Palin and some of her kids and a bunch of nannies and hangers-on raided some Oscar-award charity swag suite in West Hollywood. “They were like locusts,” a terrified vendor said. [HuffPo/E Online]
• House Democrats are wondering if it’s a good idea to replace 79-year-old Charlie Rangel and his sketchy money dealings with 78-year-old Pete Stark, who has missed 250 votes since 2009 because of a mysterious illness. [Washington Post]
• A Republican state senator was arrested for DUI after leaving a gay nightclub in Sacramento, but his male companion was not detained. [CBS 13]

Whoa boy looks like somebody actually did that “Take Your Child To Work Day” thing instead of leaving the children where they belong, eating Domino’s in front of the teevee all day. And now there is going to be HELL TO PAY, fucking people. MORE »

Are the Christian wingnuts pretending something in the news is offensive to the Jewish Bible they stole from the Jews? Yes they are! Today’s grave offense to the long-dead local deity of the Ancient Hebrews is that imprisoned whale who keeps losing his shit and killing his prison guards. You know what would teach that fucking orca a lesson? MORE »

TODAY’S QUESTION FROM HEATHER HAVRILESKY! Your editor’s travesty of an Advice Column continues today with Important Questions such as “Should I burn up my children in a fire?” [True/Slant]

You know who used to love Barry Obama’s “thinking face”? PEGGY NOONAN, that’s who. And here’s a ridiculous Slideshow of our president looking very interested in all kinds of mundane crap. This is what freedom looks like! [New York]

JULI WEINER TALKS TO GOD! Fancy Vanity Fair writer Juli Weiner got the God of France’s voice mail and, well, listen if you dare. [VF Daily]

The greatest political satire of the decade — this funny animated movie about the Politico — appeared yesterday on some Web 2.6 internet website we’d never heard of before. So, being Washington journalists who WIN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING, we tracked down the writer and director, a “Peter Smith,” if that is his real name. And then we met in a wooded park in Vienna and exchanged Gmail chats through a “dead drop.” MORE »