Author Archives: Ken Layne

Full Name: Ken Layne Website:
Info: A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.
  one very small step for lego man

Canada (Two Teenagers + Lego Man) Takes Over American Space Program

Things have not been going so well for America’s space program. We had a sad when we read about how the Obama Administration basically told Barack he could not have any exciting or inspirational “moon shot” programs, because everything had to go to Wall Street (heh heh). So not only did “moon shot”-style inspirational programs such as the “national smart energy grid” or whatever get killed, but the actual NASA program to send people to the Moon and to Mars got killed. Granted, those programs were giant boondoggles and probably never would’ve sent anyone anywhere, except to federal prison for bribery, but …. And now two Canadian kids have sent a (Lego) man into space, for about $400. Read more on Canada (Two Teenagers + Lego Man) Takes Over American Space Program…
  stfu sotu

States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux

Oh hi, how is the State of the Union? Sounds pretty gassy so far, what with the drilling for natural gas in every national park, and the drilling for more Blackwater spills on every U.S. coast, and shale oil extraction to ruin the Earth for a thousand generations, etc. Yay? Why not just, uh, stop having a civilization based on the burning of fossil fuels? Well, that will happen soon enough! ALSO: What is with the Pac-Man Jobs Program? Read more on States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux…
  begun these clone wars have

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants. Read more on Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner…
  liveblogging the confederate primary

Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama

That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after the last historic moment for Gingrich? That was when he “became the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for his ethics violations by his own colleagues,” a violation that cost the Newt $300,000 in penalties — enough to buy a suitcase of tacky Tiffany bling for at least one more new adulteress! Read more on Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama…
  invented no-news primary day news

Tensions Low At Fake ‘Ham House’ Feud Between Romney, Gingrich

Trouble was unfortunately not at all apparent early Saturday at a non-chain breakfast diner where national media could pick up some “local color” on a day when followers of political news are interested in reading new developments, but there are no new developments. Polls will not close until 7 p.m. Eastern time. What to do with the press corps during the boring lull when the southern state’s fringe-right Republican primary voters actually drive their GMC maxi-trucks four miles through the white exurbs looking for their polling place in a school builidng they’ve otherwise forgotten existed because they are all 75 years old and have probably already buried most of their own children, who succumbed to ham-biscuit diabetes? How about a manufactured “showdown at the local ham eatery,” maybe? Read more on Tensions Low At Fake ‘Ham House’ Feud Between Romney, Gingrich…
  gifts from a cruel god

Homeless Child Spared Usual Fate of Homeless Children Due To Rare Intellectual Gifts

Here is an “inspirational story” to make everybody happier about homelessness, etc.: A 17-year-old girl has been saved from homelessness, and a celebrity has given her poor family a home, all because the 17-year-old girl is an immensely gifted science prodigy. Read more on Homeless Child Spared Usual Fate of Homeless Children Due To Rare Intellectual Gifts…
  #winning

Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone

Here’s a little good news to cheer up your Wednesday: Today’s anti-censorship protest across the Internet has already forced Republican senators Marco Rubio and John Cornyn to drop their support of the SOPA bill. Already! Rubio and Cornyn weren’t just supporters, though — Rubio co-sponsored the legislation that would allow the U.S. government to shut down almost any website for almost any reason, and Cornyn heads the GOP’s Senate campaign group. Read more on Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone…
  game show hosts

Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race

Citing widespread evidence that Republicans don’t love him because he would basically govern like Barack Obama, an unloved moderate Mormon millionaire will drop out of the Republican presidential contest today. Despite many endorsements, lots of money, a handsome appearance and an attractive family of preppy white people, the candidate has never been embraced by GOP primary voters — in large part because he believes in the wrong American Jesus. The candidate will endorse the other unloved moderate Mormon millionaire currently doing better in the caucus/primary tally. Read more on Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race…
  facts are stupid things

New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything

Lie-plagued yuppie lifestyle app The New York Times has a big problem. On the one hand, it wants to have lots of link-bait articles full of lies — anything a politician says, “yoga will kill you,” etc. On the other hand, it has a few nervous-nelly editors wondering whether there is some “market share potential” in occasionally publishing the truth about events, people and situations. This is the newspaper that has blindly supported every imperial war since 9/11, and has blindly nodded its consent to global supervillains such as Dick Cheney and Alan Greenspan. And now it’s suddenly having a conversation with itself about whether it should note which things are obviously true or untrue. Whatever, Noam Chomsky! Read more on New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  pissing on the sabbath

Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666

Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be the nominee, despite nobody liking him at all,” has a chance to … oh who knows. Maybe a circuit will blow! Rick Santorum might finally “come out,” if you know what we mean! Read more on Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666…
  citizens just cause trouble

Obama Installs Consumer Chief, Officially Makes Citizens ‘Consumers’

Citing a pressing need to legally redefine Americans as “consumers” before they get any other big ideas, President Obama today appointed his choice to lead the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The appointment bypassed the Senate, because the Republican minority there won’t allow anything but tax cuts for the rich and new War Contracts. The Senate has not officially adjourned since last year, because the GOP won’t allow that, either. So the procedural fake outrage today is about the president’s authority to make recess appointments, even though Obama is appointing someone with “bipartisan support” who has been waiting for a year to go to work. What that work will entail, however, is the formal conversion of U.S. citizens to “consumers.” Considering how quickly the rights of human citizens are being signed away by this president, perhaps it is a good thing that the American people are getting a new designation! Read more on Obama Installs Consumer Chief, Officially Makes Citizens ‘Consumers’…
  late festivus miracles

Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!

Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and more probably being flown in on his private jet, probably from Milan.) The people on the cable news swore that Ron Paul could only win if there was a Snowpocalypse, and yet it’s relatively warm and dry in Iowa and he’s still winning. It’s like the Republicans suddenly decided that they’re giving up on America, too. And it’s about time! Read more on Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!…
  occupy 2012

2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart

The modern idea that human civilization would collapse in 2012 supposedly goes back to another overextended American empire on its last legs, that of the Maya. But like so much wrong thinking now popular in today’s United States, this concept made its first impression on the nation’s nervous consciousness through the teevee screen. In Search Of, the syndicated paranormal program hosted by Leonard Nimoy, claimed that the Mesoamerican long count calendar came to an end on December 24, 2011. (That date has moved a year forward in today’s paranoid circles.) You are probably waiting for the “Ron Paul connection,” at this point, and it is this: According to Leonard Nimoy reading a script for a pseudoscience documentary series in 1977, the end of the Mayan calendar would bring a cataclysmic earthquake, the collapse of the dominant civilization, and the creation of an internationalist New World Order. Actual scholars of the ancient Mayan culture, however, believe the end of the calendar would bring not disaster, but a wonderful celebration. Who’s right? WHO WILL WIN? Read more on 2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart…
  war on xmas

‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)

‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state, The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate. The caucus was planned, in just over a week, Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks! The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels. Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells, Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops, and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops. Read more on ‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)…