December 5, 2013
Things have not been going so well for America’s space program. We had a sad when we read about how the Obama Administration basically told Barack he could not have any exciting or inspirational “moon shot” programs, because everything had to go to Wall Street (heh heh). So not only did “moon shot”-style inspirational programs [...]
Oh hi, how is the State of the Union? Sounds pretty gassy so far, what with the drilling for natural gas in every national park, and the drilling for more Blackwater spills on every U.S. coast, and shale oil extraction to ruin the Earth for a thousand generations, etc. Yay? Why not just, uh, stop [...]
Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had [...]
That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after the last historic moment for [...]
Trouble was unfortunately not at all apparent early Saturday at a non-chain breakfast diner where national media could pick up some “local color” on a day when followers of political news are interested in reading new developments, but there are no new developments. Polls will not close until 7 p.m. Eastern time. What to do [...]
Here is an “inspirational story” to make everybody happier about homelessness, etc.: A 17-year-old girl has been saved from homelessness, and a celebrity has given her poor family a home, all because the 17-year-old girl is an immensely gifted science prodigy. After becoming a semifinalist in a prestigious national science competition, a homeless Long Island [...]
Here’s a little good news to cheer up your Wednesday: Today’s anti-censorship protest across the Internet has already forced Republican senators Marco Rubio and John Cornyn to drop their support of the SOPA bill. Already! Rubio and Cornyn weren’t just supporters, though — Rubio co-sponsored the legislation that would allow the U.S. government to shut [...]
Citing widespread evidence that Republicans don’t love him because he would basically govern like Barack Obama, an unloved moderate Mormon millionaire will drop out of the Republican presidential contest today. Despite many endorsements, lots of money, a handsome appearance and an attractive family of preppy white people, the candidate has never been embraced by GOP [...]
Lie-plagued yuppie lifestyle app The New York Times has a big problem. On the one hand, it wants to have lots of link-bait articles full of lies — anything a politician says, “yoga will kill you,” etc. On the other hand, it has a few nervous-nelly editors wondering whether there is some “market share potential” [...]
Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving!
Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be [...]
Citing a pressing need to legally redefine Americans as “consumers” before they get any other big ideas, President Obama today appointed his choice to lead the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The appointment bypassed the Senate, because the Republican minority there won’t allow anything but tax cuts for the rich and new War Contracts. The [...]
Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and [...]
Here comes 2012, everybody! Hopefully you’re not sitting in your office like Richard Nixon used to, while everybody else was smooching and drinking champagne or whatever, in the Lincoln Bedroom.
The modern idea that human civilization would collapse in 2012 supposedly goes back to another overextended American empire on its last legs, that of the Maya. But like so much wrong thinking now popular in today’s United States, this concept made its first impression on the nation’s nervous consciousness through the teevee screen. In Search [...]