OKAY, ONE MORE PELOSI ANIMATED GIF: Nothing will ever compete with the 21st Century pop-art masterpiece that is today’s Wall of Pelosi animated gif seizure triumph, but we could not let this final submission vanish down the Memory Hole of Socialism, so here you go, and good night, and Happy September the Eleventh Eve! Make sure to leave out some pedophilia literature to distract the old Republican guys who will bust into your house tonight and try to scare everybody to death! [Thanks to Wonkette operative "David D."]

Here’s some guy, “Ben Konop,” running for something in Toledo, we don’t know what. Maybe high school president? Sure, let’s say “Toledo High School President.” Or mayor, whatever, there cannot be that many things to run for, in Toledo. Anyway, congratulations to the world’s sleepiest heckler, for still weirdly ruining this young man’s press event. [Justin Billau via Matt Welch]

From: vernon___@rocketmail.com
To: “ken@wonkette.com”
Date: Thu, Sep 10, 2009 at 4:00 PM
Subject: Fuck all You Asshole at Fox

You mutherfuckers are something else, I hope your organization crumbles. Your a racist organization, and if you work for Fox Then Fuck you & your family

Sarah Palin’s least-favorite almost-son-in-law Levi Johnston will not vanish from the public eye, ever! He’s doing a photoshoot with a website called Playgirl, which, despite its gender specific name, is actually a site for gay men who like to look at photographs of other men, naked. There is nothing wrong with this! And, you know, we are pretty happy that of the two unlikely Wasilla-based media sensations of September 2008, Sarah Palin is now an unemployed twitterer and Levi Johnston is the celebrity (?) of September 2009. Who could’ve predicted it? [Gawker/Violet Blue/The Sword]

NATION OF CRAP: “The Self Storage Association notes that, with more than seven square feet for every man, woman and child, it’s now ‘physically possible that every American could stand — all at the same time — under the total canopy of self-storage roofing.’” [New York Times]

If you’ve ever dreamed of joining four other random slobs for a very sexy dinner with Sarah Palin and her snowmobile stoner husband Todd, next Tuesday is your lucky day! Maybe. That’s when you can start bidding on the eBay for a special group-food-eating occasion with some unemployed woman in Alaska who — for reasons not even Republicans pretend to understand — was a media celebrity for a few months last year. MORE »

What with all the youth indoctrination and the video death panels and the actual Hitler plot to provide basic health care for working Americans, we almost forgot it was also Sonia Sotomayor’s fake first day on the nation’s highest court! No real work today, just a photo op, and here’s the touching photo! The only real question is WHAT THE HELL IS SCALIA UP TO? HE IS CREEPING US OUT. Maybe he’s just happy for real, because there’s finally another Italian on the Supreme Court? Anyway, remember all the bogus outrage about Sotomayor, a million years few weeks ago? All forgotten. Let the SCOTUS-controlled redistribution of wealth commence! [White House Flickr]

Hooray, it’s time to indoctrinate the school children at the government-run anti-choice public school-prisons. But how will we best teach these weak lumps of young shit how to be Nazi-Socialists for the Black Panthers? WITH THE TEEVEE, obvs. And that’s why the no-good Hawaiian-Chicago street hustler, Barry Nobama, will speak to the childrens on the closed circuit today, old school, and of course oh good gravy there are some WHITE folks who heard about this, and they are not so happy about a common African Slave telling kids to “stay in school.” Look what happens when black kids stay in school and go to Harvard and all that …. BLAM, black dude is president. Not good. MORE »

In the secret quiet of labor Day Weekend, the White House fired black person Van Jones, who had some administration position related to “green jobs.” The White House confirmed that Jones was out “early Sunday,” which is right now. Why did this Van Jones get axed? Because wingnuts were angry about …. MORE »

How do we know for sure that the secret third half of the Lucianne/Jonah Goldberg conspiracy is not actually K-Lo? Because Joshua actually wrote to Wonkette on Friday night, when we all know perfectly well that Fridays are Jonah and K-Lo’s “Moral Netflix & Fish Sticks Night.” MORE »

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR THE PROMISED WORLD WINNERS: Miss Natalie Elder quoted “Take the ‘A’ Train,” John Downs dropped “Let’s Fall In Love,” and Philip Bender mentioned “Blue Skies,” so they have defeated the Puzzle of Weirdness and shall each receive a copy of Lisa Tucker’s new novel, hooray! Thanks to the crazy number of Wonkette Readers who took part in the contest!