Author Archives: Ken Layne

Full Name: Ken Layne Website:
Info: A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.
  #winning

Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone

Here’s a little good news to cheer up your Wednesday: Today’s anti-censorship protest across the Internet has already forced Republican senators Marco Rubio and John Cornyn to drop their support of the SOPA bill. Already! Rubio and Cornyn weren’t just supporters, though — Rubio co-sponsored the legislation that would allow the U.S. government to shut down almost any website for almost any reason, and Cornyn heads the GOP’s Senate campaign group. Read more on Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone…
  game show hosts

Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race

Citing widespread evidence that Republicans don’t love him because he would basically govern like Barack Obama, an unloved moderate Mormon millionaire will drop out of the Republican presidential contest today. Despite many endorsements, lots of money, a handsome appearance and an attractive family of preppy white people, the candidate has never been embraced by GOP primary voters — in large part because he believes in the wrong American Jesus. The candidate will endorse the other unloved moderate Mormon millionaire currently doing better in the caucus/primary tally. Read more on Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race…
  facts are stupid things

New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything

Lie-plagued yuppie lifestyle app The New York Times has a big problem. On the one hand, it wants to have lots of link-bait articles full of lies — anything a politician says, “yoga will kill you,” etc. On the other hand, it has a few nervous-nelly editors wondering whether there is some “market share potential” in occasionally publishing the truth about events, people and situations. This is the newspaper that has blindly supported every imperial war since 9/11, and has blindly nodded its consent to global supervillains such as Dick Cheney and Alan Greenspan. And now it’s suddenly having a conversation with itself about whether it should note which things are obviously true or untrue. Whatever, Noam Chomsky! Read more on New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  pissing on the sabbath

Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666

Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be the nominee, despite nobody liking him at all,” has a chance to … oh who knows. Maybe a circuit will blow! Rick Santorum might finally “come out,” if you know what we mean! Read more on Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666…
  citizens just cause trouble

Obama Installs Consumer Chief, Officially Makes Citizens ‘Consumers’

Citing a pressing need to legally redefine Americans as “consumers” before they get any other big ideas, President Obama today appointed his choice to lead the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. The appointment bypassed the Senate, because the Republican minority there won’t allow anything but tax cuts for the rich and new War Contracts. The Senate has not officially adjourned since last year, because the GOP won’t allow that, either. So the procedural fake outrage today is about the president’s authority to make recess appointments, even though Obama is appointing someone with “bipartisan support” who has been waiting for a year to go to work. What that work will entail, however, is the formal conversion of U.S. citizens to “consumers.” Considering how quickly the rights of human citizens are being signed away by this president, perhaps it is a good thing that the American people are getting a new designation! Read more on Obama Installs Consumer Chief, Officially Makes Citizens ‘Consumers’…
  late festivus miracles

Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!

Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and more probably being flown in on his private jet, probably from Milan.) The people on the cable news swore that Ron Paul could only win if there was a Snowpocalypse, and yet it’s relatively warm and dry in Iowa and he’s still winning. It’s like the Republicans suddenly decided that they’re giving up on America, too. And it’s about time! Read more on Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!…
  occupy 2012

2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart

The modern idea that human civilization would collapse in 2012 supposedly goes back to another overextended American empire on its last legs, that of the Maya. But like so much wrong thinking now popular in today’s United States, this concept made its first impression on the nation’s nervous consciousness through the teevee screen. In Search Of, the syndicated paranormal program hosted by Leonard Nimoy, claimed that the Mesoamerican long count calendar came to an end on December 24, 2011. (That date has moved a year forward in today’s paranoid circles.) You are probably waiting for the “Ron Paul connection,” at this point, and it is this: According to Leonard Nimoy reading a script for a pseudoscience documentary series in 1977, the end of the Mayan calendar would bring a cataclysmic earthquake, the collapse of the dominant civilization, and the creation of an internationalist New World Order. Actual scholars of the ancient Mayan culture, however, believe the end of the calendar would bring not disaster, but a wonderful celebration. Who’s right? WHO WILL WIN? Read more on 2012: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy As the Human World Breaks Apart…
  war on xmas

‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)

‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state, The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate. The caucus was planned, in just over a week, Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks! The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels. Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells, Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops, and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops. Read more on ‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)…
  hey this sounds familiar

Nobody Likes GOP Or Obama, So Third Party Hero Will Waste Nation’s Time

Republican candidates are all so awful that there’s a new frontrunner every week. Barack Obama, meanwhile, seems dedicated to little more than enraging his own supporters while also doing nothing about the economy while also turning America into a police-terror state. People are protesting! Times are terrible! Seems like we should probably just toss the whole rotten system in the toxic waste dump and try again, maybe this time without … corporate-welfare/warfare capitalism? No no no, that is “too radical,” what we need is another ultimately unsuccessful Third Party Candidate to safely release the steam of rage from the national pressure cooker. It worked in the 1980s and the 1990s and all the way to 2000, heh heh. (Funny how Liberal Democrats kind of lost the taste for Third Party candidates after the GOP stomped back into the White House using Nader’s cover, right?) Read more on Nobody Likes GOP Or Obama, So Third Party Hero Will Waste Nation’s Time…
  good-bye to all that

Everything Must Go! Iraq War Joins 2011’s List of Worn-Out Evil Things

Our latest War Against Iraq is over, did you hear? The NYT home page helpfully put the years of the war in the headline, like you might for an obituary of Amy Winehouse or Dick Cheney: 2003-2011. That’s a long war, even compared to wars we supposedly won, like World War II. (Not quite as long as the War Against Afghanistan, though … that phustercluck has already dragged on longer than any U.S. war, including the American Revolution.) And what makes this nine-year-long Iraq War “over,” anyway? Because Obama said it was over? Uhh, okay we guess! That sure was a great Ticker Tape parade in Times Square, and now we’re just doing vodka shots and eating oysters with some hot USO gal we met at Penn Station, or whatever people are supposed to do when wars are won. Anyway, it’s time to say good-bye to ALL OF THE THINGS nobody likes anymore, because 2011 was the year when the citizens of Earth finally got up, took a good look around, and said, “Wow. This crap has got to stop..” Read more on Everything Must Go! Iraq War Joins 2011’s List of Worn-Out Evil Things…
  vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals). Read more on Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate…
  capitalism is now a dirty word

Republican Strategists ‘Frightened To Death’ By #OWS Movement

While the Occupy Wall Street movement can sometimes seem to be more about tents and police and pepper spray than the crushing economic injustice in this country, Republican political operatives are having no trouble at all figuring out exactly what #OWS wants. “I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death,” top GOP strategist Frank Luntz said at the Republican Governors Association meeting in Orlando this week. “They’re having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism.” Uh oh, looks like the dupes are starting to figure out capitalism isn’t fair. The GOP better have some pat answers ready when their former stooges in the destroyed middle class start asking fancy questions about income equality! Read more on Republican Strategists ‘Frightened To Death’ By #OWS Movement…
  never forget

California Destroyed By Blustery Day

Back when California used to have the nation’s top public schools (instead of the worst) and biggest state park system (instead of locked-gate meth-lab forests) along with lots of good-paying jobs and an entire population of fit, beautiful, tattoo-free people who spent all their time at the uncrowded beaches talking about philosophy or whatever, the “trade off” was that California also had terrible natural disasters. It was the kind of thing that kept a certain demographic (really scared Indiana people, say) from moving out West. “Sounds great,” they’d say, “but I heard there was an earthquake about 10 years ago that killed twenty people, so I’m staying put, where I’ll probably freeze to death in the outhouse tomorrow and never be found.”) Anyway, now the disasters have moved elsewhere. Oklahoma and Virginia get all the earthquakes now, the wildfires went to Texas, New York City attracts all the hurricanes (and asshole mayors), and Californians are reduced to crying about a windy day. Read more on California Destroyed By Blustery Day…
  #occupy lugar's neck hole

Oil Industry Senators Decide They’ll Just Allow That Tar Sands Keystone Pipeline Anyway

The oil industry millionaires known as “Republicans in the Senate” have decided to fix that whole Obama/Keystone tar sands/global disaster/dirtiest possible fuel problem by making their own rules that will override the State Department, so that the oil industry can get hopping on this worst possible source of land-raping carbon-spewing fuel, which will enrich the oil industry millionaires who are sitting in the Senate chambers instead of being led to the guillotine platform. Read more on Oil Industry Senators Decide They’ll Just Allow That Tar Sands Keystone Pipeline Anyway…
  forgotten wingnuts

Sam Brownback Insane With Rage After Twitter Insult By High School Girl

Not even Republican primary voters wanted Sam Brownback as a presidential candidate, so the right-wing nobody went back to Kansas, both metaphorically and literally. He’s governor of Kansas, apparently. And he’s still a thin-skinned jerk. We learned these facts from the cautionary tale of Emma Sullivan, an 18-year-old high school senior and member of the Youth In Government program. (The tale is cautionary for state-level wingnut creeps like Brownback.) During a field trip to the state capital, Sullivan was annoyed by Brownback’s dumb comments to the kids. So she wrote a joke on Twitter for her friends: “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.” And then Brownback’s goblins found the joke online and tried to destroy this student’s life. Read more on Sam Brownback Insane With Rage After Twitter Insult By High School Girl…
  grim holiday traditions

Turkey In Wholesome American Guts: Thanksgiving Prayer 2011

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs back in 2006. And something weird has happened in the years since. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs sounds less like sarcasm in our Terrible Year of the Lord 2010 2011, and more like an elegy. Read more on Turkey In Wholesome American Guts: Thanksgiving Prayer 2011…
  macaroni & cheese

Pat Robertson Mystified By Strange African-American Thanksgiving Ritual

The Pat Robertson teevee show has been desegregated, apparently by force, and now allows a Negress interviewer to interview “her kind” (Condoleezza Rice). What are the mysterious black people up to, this Thanksgiving? The hip-hop? Smokin’ crack? Crunking? Voodoo? Hankering for the Original Constitution days when they were slaves? No, worse. They are eating bizarre food dishes and claiming it’s part of American Thanksgiving. Pat Robertson is aghast. Read more on Pat Robertson Mystified By Strange African-American Thanksgiving Ritual…
  also a food blog

Here’s the Famous Real Cranberry Business Recipe From Wonkette!

It’s that special time of year when we all give thanks for 25% real unemployment, the never-ending recession and real-estate collapse, terrible schools, broken infrastructure, cops crushing the skulls of our lawfully protesting children, the scent of pepper spray in the air, a group of dangerous psychopaths running for one party’s nomination, and a bunch of mouth-breathing cretins sticking their hands up Granny’s hoo-ha at the airport. And that means we should all gather around the oven and watch Aunt Wonkette make its world-famous boozed-up cranberry sauce! Read more on Here’s the Famous Real Cranberry Business Recipe From Wonkette!…