[A new annual Wonkette tradition starts today, to honor Columbus Day: re-posting this thing Editor Ken Layne wrote last year about history's greatest American, Christopher Columbus. It is the definitive historical account. You can read all of your comments from last year, and then make new comments! -- Ed. Jim]

Christopher Columbus, which means “Our Lord’s Anus” in Portuguese, was a famous wingnut racist who didn’t even know where he came from, but he was hired by a shadowy cabal of Spaniards and the Knights Templar to find an easier route to the emerging economies of Communist China, because the Islamo-Fascists had blown up the highway to Afghanistan! MORE »

HEY, CINDY McCAIN, LET’S MEET ON THE BEACH & TAKE PILLS TOGETHER: Your editor will soon kiss the Mexican Border for good luck (and magic Swine Flu immunity) and begin walking 1,200 miles up the coast of California, for art. MORE »

Hey have you heard about the important something-or-other, on teevee, when the one hip-hop fellow Mr. Kanye West said something about the hip-hop lady? SCANDAL! Well Barack Obama hates all this dumb misogynistic consumer-good-worshiping dumb shit. [YouTube]

HILARITY: Would-be teabaggers and and other easily duped dingbats are proudly emailing each other wonderful pictures of a million teabaggers crowding the National Mall, but these pictures are actually from the Million Man March of 1997, an event attended by, ahem, colored people. MORE »

Oh boy we forgot today was the big September 11th Teabagger Festival, on September 12. It was probably wonderful. Look how this lady smiles, with her sign, about how Africans should not be anywhere near the White House. God Bless America, or at least the old white portion. [NineTwelvePhotos]

Here’s another way to mark the inevitable passage of time since everybody was all nutty about the 9/11, eight years ago: Jenna Bush, fun-loving teen-aged drunkard of Smith Point and daughter of America’s worst president, is now so grown up and harmless that she’s going to do some video stuff for the Today program, which is a soothing combination of cooking tips and birthday greetings to 100-year-olds, early in the morning, because old people get up crazy early for no reason at all. Jenna! She’s married and is a teacher or something in Baltimore, too. [Baltimore Sun]

Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT. MORE »

ALL OF THIS IS FACTUAL TRUTH: “So thank fucking christ that the Commander in Chief is no longer subjecting the nation to death porn. No, this year it’s limited to a nutty little cult leader on basic cable who is encouraging his radicalized band of fanatical followers to invade the cities where the tragedy actually happened in order to shock the populace back into fear. Glenn Beck is an actual terrorist, and the people attending his rally in DC tomorrow are al-Qaeda in America.” [Alex Pareene]

Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions. MORE »

For about five weeks after 9/11, media people who had spent the previous decade jabbering about Monica Lewinsky and “Hillary Care” and O.J. Simpson and Pets.com and the Macarena and Krispy Kreme suddenly decided “everything changed” when some lousy terrorists did what they did and killed some 3,000 people who just happened to be flying on passenger planes or working in office buildings on that day. Well, no. MORE »

(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how A Charlie Brown Christmas plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day seven eight (whoops!) years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world and many working-class people could affix “United We Stand” bumper stickers to their SUVs, so they could drive around with pride while eating hamburgers off their laps and listening to talk radio wingnuts. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation. Let’s look back in horror. MORE »