Author Archives: Ken Layne

Full Name: Ken Layne Website:
Info: A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.
  thanksgiving at the corner

Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Suddenly that gas price no longer indicates how old this photo is!
Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  wonkette thanksgiving classics

Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere. Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. Read more on Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan…
  beloved traditions

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

The following is our annual repost of Ken Layne’s Real Cranberry Business, because when we bought this bitch we bought the archives too. One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave! So enjoy this re-post of this Holiday Favorite from 2009: Read more on Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business…
  in which wonkette saved the country from moral weakness

Ken Layne And Wonkette Helped Rescue The Country From Doddering Crab King John McCain

It was seven unlucky years ago when a handsome young man named Alex Pareene typed to me on G-chat with a sex proposition: “Save me from guest editor hell,” he said. Pareene, an NYU film school dropout who had recently taken over the politics blog Wonkette from its founding editor Ana Marie Cox, now needed to replace his co-editor. We both worked for Gawker Media. (I’m working there again, now, for the third or fourth time.) My old site, SPLOID, had just been shut down because it did not make any money. (This is a theme that will repeat. SPLOID, in fact, was a copy of my old pre-Gawker site Tabloid.net, which also shut down because it did not make any money. And how many parenthetical asides can a person put in one paragraph, a paragraph that is traditionally supposed to be the “nut graf” that include enough relevant backstory to keep someone reading?) Alex lived in D.C. I lived in … Northern Nevada, yes. Our geographic distance was not an issue, because even if we were neighbors, we are the kind of people who would prefer to stay home and type to each other in little G-chat windows. Wonkette was a little different then. For one thing, we didn’t have bylines. Nobody knew who wrote what, and the site’s strangely antiquated use of the Royal We grew from this mystery. We didn’t have comments, either. Read more on Ken Layne And Wonkette Helped Rescue The Country From Doddering Crab King John McCain…
  first lady recipes

Now We Shall Repost Ken Layne’s Repost Of Juli Weiner’s Writeup Of Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake

Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though now she makes Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair: Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor. Read more on Now We Shall Repost Ken Layne’s Repost Of Juli Weiner’s Writeup Of Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake…
  wonkette thanksgiving classics

Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere: Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. Read more on Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan…
  thanksgiving at the corner

K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  first lady recipes

Now We Shall Repost Ken Layne’s Repost Of Juli Weiner’s Writeup Of Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake

Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though now she makes Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair: Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor. Read more on Now We Shall Repost Ken Layne’s Repost Of Juli Weiner’s Writeup Of Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake…
  beloved traditions

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

The following is our annual repost of Ken Layne’s Real Cranberry Business, because when we bought this bitch we bought the archives too. One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave! Read more on Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business…
  wonkette world o' books

Will You ‘Quit Money’ On U.S. Tax Day, Like ‘The Man Who Quit Money’?

American Tax Day is an unhappy time for most people, as we realize how little money we made during the previous year, or how much we’re paying in taxes, or how those good tax credits don’t apply for one reason or another, or how awful it is that we live in a country where the government extracts whatever it wants from our earnings and then spends it all on horrible bat-wing robot murder monsters soaring the skies over Afghanistan and Iraq and even right here in the U.S.A., while American kids go to bed hungry and teenagers with no education and no income are compelled by law to give birth to offspring they cannot possibly care for, and that the government will also not care for, because that violates Freedom. The culprit in all these crimes is Money, and a lovely man named Daniel Suelo has succeeded in quitting money altogether while living a rich and varied life. Read more on Will You ‘Quit Money’ On U.S. Tax Day, Like ‘The Man Who Quit Money’?…
  important announcements regarding your wonkette

Your Wonkette Has a New Wonkette Publisher/Editor, For Freedom!

Good morning from your Wonkette editor since, oh, 2006. It has been an exciting (terrible?) six years, hasn’t it? There was old what’s his name, and Iraq, and the Great Recession, and then the sexy president with his singing and dancing all the time. And now your longtime editor will finally stop disappearing for months at a time and officially hand over this Important American Publication to a deserving and talented political writer/editor, Ms. Rebecca Schoenkopf. She is a feared and respected Liberal Woman, so the wingnuts will just love her (as they plot to send her to Gitmo). Also, Rebecca is a fancy book-writin’ author and is famous for being “Commie Girl,” the newspaper columnist who drove California Republicans insane for the OC Weekly. Wonkette.com is obviously going to become just like National Review’s “The Corner,” which was always the plan? Read more on Your Wonkette Has a New Wonkette Publisher/Editor, For Freedom!…
  sexy contests

Wonkette Art Contest: Win Bill Maher Tickets With Your Terrible Computer Picture

Do you have “Microsoft Paint” on your iPhone? Then you can be a prize-winning published artist! (Maybe.) Wonkette and 9:30 Club/IMP Promotions invite you to take part in our exciting “Make an image of Bill Maher wrestling the Pope” ticket giveaway. Read more on Wonkette Art Contest: Win Bill Maher Tickets With Your Terrible Computer Picture…
  frothy victory

Santorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!

Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so! Read more on Santorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!…
  enthusiasm gap

Romney Actually Did Worse In 2012 Nevada Caucus Than He Did In 2008

Here’s some more awkward humor from the robot comedy that is Mitt Romney’s 2012 ascent to the GOP nomination: Mittens actually did worse on Saturday in the Nevada GOP caucus than he did back in 2008. This time around, “Inevitable Willard” got 50.1%, or a little less than his winning total back in the 2008 Nevada caucus. So, knowing that he was on the way to wrapping up the nomination, his loyal Mormon supporters in rural Nevada decided to … back off a bit. Another definitive win for the Multimillionaire of Moroni! Read more on Romney Actually Did Worse In 2012 Nevada Caucus Than He Did In 2008…
  stupor bowl

Romney Wins Super Bowl of Nevada GOP 2012 Politics, Again

There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to Utah.) But Romney is programmed to treat all wins the same, no matter how expected and no matter how few delegates are at stake, so the beaming Mittens will be transported out of Nevada by personal corporate jet with at least 10 delegates but certainly nothing like the 50 he picked up in Florida. The only pressing question is whether a cheap Huffington Post gimmick like putting “Super Bowl” in the headline will increase the page views for this post. Read more on Romney Wins Super Bowl of Nevada GOP 2012 Politics, Again…
  important announcements regarding your wonkette

Everybody Please Prepare To Have Jim Newell Back At Wonkette, Next Week

HOORAY! That is what your semi-managing editor has to say about this important news, from your beloved past-and-future Wonkette typing monster of Capitol Hill, Jim Newell: An Important Announcement Regarding Your Gawker Political Desk: Goodbye Read more on Everybody Please Prepare To Have Jim Newell Back At Wonkette, Next Week…
  one very small step for lego man

Canada (Two Teenagers + Lego Man) Takes Over American Space Program

Things have not been going so well for America’s space program. We had a sad when we read about how the Obama Administration basically told Barack he could not have any exciting or inspirational “moon shot” programs, because everything had to go to Wall Street (heh heh). So not only did “moon shot”-style inspirational programs such as the “national smart energy grid” or whatever get killed, but the actual NASA program to send people to the Moon and to Mars got killed. Granted, those programs were giant boondoggles and probably never would’ve sent anyone anywhere, except to federal prison for bribery, but …. And now two Canadian kids have sent a (Lego) man into space, for about $400. Read more on Canada (Two Teenagers + Lego Man) Takes Over American Space Program…
  stfu sotu

States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux

Oh hi, how is the State of the Union? Sounds pretty gassy so far, what with the drilling for natural gas in every national park, and the drilling for more Blackwater spills on every U.S. coast, and shale oil extraction to ruin the Earth for a thousand generations, etc. Yay? Why not just, uh, stop having a civilization based on the burning of fossil fuels? Well, that will happen soon enough! ALSO: What is with the Pac-Man Jobs Program? Read more on States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux…
  begun these clone wars have

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants. Read more on Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner…
  liveblogging the confederate primary

Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama

That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after the last historic moment for Gingrich? That was when he “became the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for his ethics violations by his own colleagues,” a violation that cost the Newt $300,000 in penalties — enough to buy a suitcase of tacky Tiffany bling for at least one more new adulteress! Read more on Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama…
  invented no-news primary day news

Tensions Low At Fake ‘Ham House’ Feud Between Romney, Gingrich

Trouble was unfortunately not at all apparent early Saturday at a non-chain breakfast diner where national media could pick up some “local color” on a day when followers of political news are interested in reading new developments, but there are no new developments. Polls will not close until 7 p.m. Eastern time. What to do with the press corps during the boring lull when the southern state’s fringe-right Republican primary voters actually drive their GMC maxi-trucks four miles through the white exurbs looking for their polling place in a school builidng they’ve otherwise forgotten existed because they are all 75 years old and have probably already buried most of their own children, who succumbed to ham-biscuit diabetes? How about a manufactured “showdown at the local ham eatery,” maybe? Read more on Tensions Low At Fake ‘Ham House’ Feud Between Romney, Gingrich…
  gifts from a cruel god

Homeless Child Spared Usual Fate of Homeless Children Due To Rare Intellectual Gifts

Here is an “inspirational story” to make everybody happier about homelessness, etc.: A 17-year-old girl has been saved from homelessness, and a celebrity has given her poor family a home, all because the 17-year-old girl is an immensely gifted science prodigy. Read more on Homeless Child Spared Usual Fate of Homeless Children Due To Rare Intellectual Gifts…