Author Archives: Kirsten Boyd Johnson

  here is your d-day anniversary post

GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers

Whose turn is it to play Adolf Hitler today in the forever binary saga of the Republicans versus secret zombie Adolf Hitler come back from the dead disguised as (insert ridiculous noun here) to devour hysterical conservatives? This kitten? Mitt Romney’s spell-checker? Or maybe some elementary school teachers? For the answer, let’s either re-read the post title or, alternately, consult the interchangeable screaming Republican congressman shuffling around on the House floor at any given hour, “Rep. Dana Rohrabacher” this time, sure: It is the Chinese government. The government is murdering people. Just like Hitler did! Read more on GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers…
  shameless speculation

Did Bilderberg Monsters Just Crown Mitt Romney Your Next Leader?

Hot rumors suggest that Mitt Romney may have been in attendance at last weekend’s top secret Bilderberg enclave in Virginia, where he may or may not have been anointed America’s next ruler by the world leaders of government, finance, media and technology and also possibly imbibed a chalice of Henry Kissinger’s blood as an oath of obedience, or not. (“Or not” meaning the blood. The obedience was undoubtedly sworn.) There were witnesses! Read more on Did Bilderberg Monsters Just Crown Mitt Romney Your Next Leader?…
  journamalism

We Need To Harsh on Barbara Walters For a Minute

Here is a fun behind-the-scenes glimpse from the nauseating world of sycophantic television journalism*: leaked emails show that the normally-benign daytime tube fixture Barbara Walters tried to help a 22-year-old press aide to murder-hungry Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad obtain preferential treatment with the Columbia University Admissions Office shortly after Walters conducted her interview with Assad, which the aide helped to arrange. Conflict of interest much? Nah. This must be why Walters also offered to help the press aide, Sheherazad Jaafari, obtain a “journalism internship with Piers Morgan,” which then again sounds like such a transparently fake position that we might even hope Walters was trying to prank Jaafari. *Journalism of any kind is not to be confused with “humor blogging,” a basic distinction that nonetheless eludes the crabby wingnuts who frequently write in to your Wonkette to notify us that our “reporting” is “biased.” Read more on We Need To Harsh on Barbara Walters For a Minute…
  can't wait for the sex tape

Let’s All Enjoy Mitt Romney’s Old Love Letters to Individual Mandate

We all vaguely know that Mitt Romney was at one time one of those Marxist militants who sought to force healthcare coverage on human individuals with a government requirement that most individuals buy private health insurance available through a competitive marketplace, i.e. COMMUNISM, and that this long-ago love affair with tyranny is something that Mitt Romney’s team spent $100,000 to hide when he left office as Massachusetts governor. But true love cannot be kept hidden forever blah blah blah and now the Wall Street Journal has published a lengthy series of fugitive emails that managed to escape his team’s delete key, and they are just one long testament to Mitt Romney’s devout affection for the individual mandate. Let’s have a peek! Read more on Let’s All Enjoy Mitt Romney’s Old Love Letters to Individual Mandate…
  but that's socialism

GOP Lawmaker Wants To Raise Taxes Now For Some Reason (Hint: War)

Add another tally to the “Yes” column on the “Is 2012 the year of the Apocalypse?” score sheet: a Republican in Congress has discovered the virtues of “revenue increases,” the polite society term for the more vulgar swear “tax hikes.” Who is the lucky apostate? Why, it’s the Senate’s favorite old Southern belle Miss Lindsey Graham, who is wilting like a sun-starved flower over the impending $600 billion in automatic budget cuts that the Pentagon will face starting next year if Congress does not act to reverse the sequestration agreement from last fall’s Budget Control Act (which also cuts an equal amount from domestic programs, as a punishment to the country for electing intransigent nuts to Congress). So, will Congress act? Will they get together and agree on places where budget cuts can be made to avoid sequestration without increasing the deficit? Lindsey Graham has your answer to these questions: NO. NOW RAISE TAXES. Read more on GOP Lawmaker Wants To Raise Taxes Now For Some Reason (Hint: War)…
  part of an ongoing series

Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards

Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Extreme Delegate Apportionment brought to you by America’s disgruntled old Paultard contingent. These political bloodsport fanatics spent the weekend screaming and flinging themselves about at the Louisiana GOP’s state convention after party leaders sought to thwart the Paultards’ hostile convention takeover and RNC delegate pilfering scheme. (This is their thing now, at many state conventions.) There were arrests! And dislocated hips! Watch the chaos, after the jump. Read more on Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards…
  funtimes

Watch Tom Barrett Tell Scott Walker He Is a Miserable Weiner (VIDEO)

Here is Democratic candidate for Wisconsin governor Tom Barrett telling off hated weasel face and current Republican governor Scott Walker in last night’s second and final debate before the recall election on June 5. Tom Barrett is of course wasting his breath when he reminds the public that Walker is an amoral tub of turd frosting who exists solely to punish his political enemies rather than to say, govern. But your Wonkette mentions the debate by way of noting who was not there in Wisconsin, at that time or any other time, as this recall campaign has gone on: Barack Obama. No, he’s just hanging out next door in Minnesota, a state that many coastal residents cannot even distinguish from Wisconsin, to fundraise. Might he have had the courtesy to fundraise on the other side of the country, so he at least didn’t look like he was specifically avoiding Wisconsin? Read more on Watch Tom Barrett Tell Scott Walker He Is a Miserable Weiner (VIDEO)…
  about time

Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected

What are politicians promising prospective constituents in campaign ads these days, “fiscal responsibility” or some such perhaps? LAME, and also a terrible lie. Fuck that. Oklahoma Democratic candidate for Congress Rob Wallace promises not to let Texas steal any of Oklahoma’s shit, that’s what. Time somebody did that. Here, he’ll shoot at a water jug with a picture of Texas on it to prove he is serious. Video after the jump! Read more on Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected…
  great achievements in political science

We Can Now Identify History’s Dumbest Political Campaign Spokesman

Here he is, it is this guy pictured at left. This is Jay Townsend, campaign spokesman for GOP Rep. Nan Hayworth, the communications genius who managed to join a seemingly innocuous Facebook comment thread about falling gas prices on the “NY19 U.S. House of Representatives Civil Discussion Center” page and somehow abuse enough inhalants at such breakneck speed that he got around to posting the actual words “Let’s hurl some acid at those female democratic Senators who won’t abide the mandates they want to impose on the private sector” by only the fifth comment down. We mention the inhalants only because we assume that a professional campaign spokesperson would have to be operating in a state of temporary brain death to give his opponents such a large, free gift. Read more on We Can Now Identify History’s Dumbest Political Campaign Spokesman…
  can we get an amen?

Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition

Well doesn’t this just appear to be a promising comedy setup? Let’s just end the tension right now and tell you in advance, it is. But you knew this: It is a universal law of Reason that because Michele Bachmann does not believe in it, even seemingly mundane activities like Michele Bachmann sitting on an airplane next to a person with a Twitter account must bear comedy fruit. Today’s episode (which begins after the jump) answers the question, “What is Michele Bachmann reading these days?” Hint: IS CREEPY SHARIA CREEPING? Read more on Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition…
  public service announcement

Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron

We all know that the Department of Homeland Security has several sub-basements filled with all the illegitimate offspring of the members of Congress whose sole miserable task is to sit at the computer consoles they are chained to and troll Twitter and Facebook in search of bogeymen with social media accounts. But which search terms are they using to determine which citizens to ship off for a free tickle torture session besides the obvious triggers like “exploding dildo” and “how do I get a protest permit?” Well now we know what’s on the current DHS monitor list thanks to a public records request from the Electronic Privacy Information Center, and the bad news it that you will have to quit using fun words such as “electric” and “pirates” online in order to stay under the radar. Read more on Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron…
  nothing to see here

Don’t Worry, Thrashing Lunatic on Illinois House Floor Just Some Legislator

Dance party on the Illinois House floor! Here we have what appears to be state Rep. Mike Bost busting a hot move while his anxious-looking colleague in the white shirt …claps along to keep time? What fun! Someone sure is having a tough time waiting for summer vacation to start! Oh, just kidding. Politics is never fun. Rep. Bost is in the middle of an apoplectic temper tantrum over… pension reform, according to the news reports. Video after the jump! Read more on Don’t Worry, Thrashing Lunatic on Illinois House Floor Just Some Legislator…
  but just this one

House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply

House Republicans have at long last identified a segment of a woman’s existence when they feel she deserves federal protection against discrimination: the six or so weeks between when the sex of a fetus can be determined and when it reaches the fetal viability mark past which abortion is limited in most states. Sorry, lady readers, your window for equal rights has already closed! Enjoy your pay gap. The House will vote this week on the “Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act,” a productive use of everyone’s time that promises to slap up to five years of prison time on doctors caught performing sex-selective abortions in a quest to improve upon the scary levels of “zero statistical evidence” that U.S. parents in general prefer male over female fetuses. Bonus: the Republicans get to call Democrats girl-baby eating monsters! Read more on House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply…
  apparently the moran vote is still in play

AZ Teabagger Candidate Running on Traditional Platform of Hypocrisy

Arizona GOP congressional candidate Jesse Kelly has passed the official Republican officeholder’s personality test by demonstrating that the thing he most loves to talk about hating in public is also the very same thing he most loves to cuddle up with in private: stimulus dollars. (You probably thought for a minute there that we were going to say “penises in the mouth” or perhaps “Mexicans,” which would have also been informed guesses.) The family-run construction company owned by Kelly’s father and where Kelly also works has vacuumed up $60.8 million in stimulus and other government contracts since 2010, when Kelly lost his first bid for Gabrielle Giffords’ seat after running on a platform of opposing the federal stimulus program. This is also part of his current platform now that he is running again. But his campaign has a good defense! And it goes like this: “Well somebody had to take the money.” Principles to live by! Read more on AZ Teabagger Candidate Running on Traditional Platform of Hypocrisy…
  in mental sickness and in health

Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump

Mitt Romney has announced that he will not be canceling his hot Las Vegas dinner date fundraiser with washed-up nut sack Donald Trump just because Donald Trump has been having birther “episodes” in the press — this time that he “knows” Barack Obama was born in Kenya — again. What is Romney supposed to do, go around discriminating against mentally ill people? That is not fair. He will just take their money, like any decent person. Read more on Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump…