Author Archives: Kirsten Boyd Johnson

  part of an ongoing series

Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards

Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Extreme Delegate Apportionment brought to you by America’s disgruntled old Paultard contingent. These political bloodsport fanatics spent the weekend screaming and flinging themselves about at the Louisiana GOP’s state convention after party leaders sought to thwart the Paultards’ hostile convention takeover and RNC delegate pilfering scheme. (This is their thing now, at many state conventions.) There were arrests! And dislocated hips! Watch the chaos, after the jump. Read more on Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards…
  funtimes

Watch Tom Barrett Tell Scott Walker He Is a Miserable Weiner (VIDEO)

Here is Democratic candidate for Wisconsin governor Tom Barrett telling off hated weasel face and current Republican governor Scott Walker in last night’s second and final debate before the recall election on June 5. Tom Barrett is of course wasting his breath when he reminds the public that Walker is an amoral tub of turd frosting who exists solely to punish his political enemies rather than to say, govern. But your Wonkette mentions the debate by way of noting who was not there in Wisconsin, at that time or any other time, as this recall campaign has gone on: Barack Obama. No, he’s just hanging out next door in Minnesota, a state that many coastal residents cannot even distinguish from Wisconsin, to fundraise. Might he have had the courtesy to fundraise on the other side of the country, so he at least didn’t look like he was specifically avoiding Wisconsin? Read more on Watch Tom Barrett Tell Scott Walker He Is a Miserable Weiner (VIDEO)…
  about time

Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected

What are politicians promising prospective constituents in campaign ads these days, “fiscal responsibility” or some such perhaps? LAME, and also a terrible lie. Fuck that. Oklahoma Democratic candidate for Congress Rob Wallace promises not to let Texas steal any of Oklahoma’s shit, that’s what. Time somebody did that. Here, he’ll shoot at a water jug with a picture of Texas on it to prove he is serious. Video after the jump! Read more on Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected…
  great achievements in political science

We Can Now Identify History’s Dumbest Political Campaign Spokesman

Here he is, it is this guy pictured at left. This is Jay Townsend, campaign spokesman for GOP Rep. Nan Hayworth, the communications genius who managed to join a seemingly innocuous Facebook comment thread about falling gas prices on the “NY19 U.S. House of Representatives Civil Discussion Center” page and somehow abuse enough inhalants at such breakneck speed that he got around to posting the actual words “Let’s hurl some acid at those female democratic Senators who won’t abide the mandates they want to impose on the private sector” by only the fifth comment down. We mention the inhalants only because we assume that a professional campaign spokesperson would have to be operating in a state of temporary brain death to give his opponents such a large, free gift. Read more on We Can Now Identify History’s Dumbest Political Campaign Spokesman…
  can we get an amen?

Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition

Well doesn’t this just appear to be a promising comedy setup? Let’s just end the tension right now and tell you in advance, it is. But you knew this: It is a universal law of Reason that because Michele Bachmann does not believe in it, even seemingly mundane activities like Michele Bachmann sitting on an airplane next to a person with a Twitter account must bear comedy fruit. Today’s episode (which begins after the jump) answers the question, “What is Michele Bachmann reading these days?” Hint: IS CREEPY SHARIA CREEPING? Read more on Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition…
  public service announcement

Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron

We all know that the Department of Homeland Security has several sub-basements filled with all the illegitimate offspring of the members of Congress whose sole miserable task is to sit at the computer consoles they are chained to and troll Twitter and Facebook in search of bogeymen with social media accounts. But which search terms are they using to determine which citizens to ship off for a free tickle torture session besides the obvious triggers like “exploding dildo” and “how do I get a protest permit?” Well now we know what’s on the current DHS monitor list thanks to a public records request from the Electronic Privacy Information Center, and the bad news it that you will have to quit using fun words such as “electric” and “pirates” online in order to stay under the radar. Read more on Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron…
  nothing to see here

Don’t Worry, Thrashing Lunatic on Illinois House Floor Just Some Legislator

Dance party on the Illinois House floor! Here we have what appears to be state Rep. Mike Bost busting a hot move while his anxious-looking colleague in the white shirt …claps along to keep time? What fun! Someone sure is having a tough time waiting for summer vacation to start! Oh, just kidding. Politics is never fun. Rep. Bost is in the middle of an apoplectic temper tantrum over… pension reform, according to the news reports. Video after the jump! Read more on Don’t Worry, Thrashing Lunatic on Illinois House Floor Just Some Legislator…
  but just this one

House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply

House Republicans have at long last identified a segment of a woman’s existence when they feel she deserves federal protection against discrimination: the six or so weeks between when the sex of a fetus can be determined and when it reaches the fetal viability mark past which abortion is limited in most states. Sorry, lady readers, your window for equal rights has already closed! Enjoy your pay gap. The House will vote this week on the “Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act,” a productive use of everyone’s time that promises to slap up to five years of prison time on doctors caught performing sex-selective abortions in a quest to improve upon the scary levels of “zero statistical evidence” that U.S. parents in general prefer male over female fetuses. Bonus: the Republicans get to call Democrats girl-baby eating monsters! Read more on House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply…
  apparently the moran vote is still in play

AZ Teabagger Candidate Running on Traditional Platform of Hypocrisy

Arizona GOP congressional candidate Jesse Kelly has passed the official Republican officeholder’s personality test by demonstrating that the thing he most loves to talk about hating in public is also the very same thing he most loves to cuddle up with in private: stimulus dollars. (You probably thought for a minute there that we were going to say “penises in the mouth” or perhaps “Mexicans,” which would have also been informed guesses.) The family-run construction company owned by Kelly’s father and where Kelly also works has vacuumed up $60.8 million in stimulus and other government contracts since 2010, when Kelly lost his first bid for Gabrielle Giffords’ seat after running on a platform of opposing the federal stimulus program. This is also part of his current platform now that he is running again. But his campaign has a good defense! And it goes like this: “Well somebody had to take the money.” Principles to live by! Read more on AZ Teabagger Candidate Running on Traditional Platform of Hypocrisy…
  in mental sickness and in health

Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump

Mitt Romney has announced that he will not be canceling his hot Las Vegas dinner date fundraiser with washed-up nut sack Donald Trump just because Donald Trump has been having birther “episodes” in the press — this time that he “knows” Barack Obama was born in Kenya — again. What is Romney supposed to do, go around discriminating against mentally ill people? That is not fair. He will just take their money, like any decent person. Read more on Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump…
  as foretold in revelation

Brain-Eating Space Virus Roger Ailes Turns on Itself

Media Matters just flagged this bizarre statement it found in the transcript of an April speech that Ailes gave at the UNC School of Journalism: “We have one conservative on FOX News, Sean Hannity.” That’s it! Just that one, according to Roger Ailes, who may or may not be losing functioning in his frontal lobe. Or is there another explanation? Read more on Brain-Eating Space Virus Roger Ailes Turns on Itself…
  why not

We Nominate Fred Karger for President of Campaign Ads

Let’s see, who was the last Republican presidential primary contender to drop out of the campaign? Ron Paul? Yeah, he basically dropped out, in the important sense that he no longer cares to win any primaries. This just leaves Mitt Romney, says the conventional wisdom. Pish posh! Conventional thought, like Mitt Romney, is for weaklings. Why, that sounds like a good theme for a campaign ad? Add in a gratuitous image of Mitt Romney dressed as Pee-wee Herman and some gratuitous fapping to that other creepy television entertainer Ronald Reagan and you’ve got the new California Republican primary ad for marathon GOP presidential campaign holdout Fred “the openly gay one” Karger. It is positively fun. Watch it, after the jump! Read more on We Nominate Fred Karger for President of Campaign Ads…
  but it seemed so foolproof

New Jersey Mayor Arrested for Trying to Make Internet Quit Saying Mean Things About Him

What comical attempts at cliché villainy do we have out of New Jersey’s ranks of local crony politicians today? Here’s one: the FBI has hauled off West New York’s Democratic mayor Felix Roque and his son on charges of hacking into a website associated with a movement to recall the mayor and then calling up the website’s owner to notify the person that “everyone would pay for getting involved against Mayor Roque.” OOOOOH– ha ha, just kidding. Sarah Palin makes better threats to her own in-laws. Read more on New Jersey Mayor Arrested for Trying to Make Internet Quit Saying Mean Things About Him…
  finally he's good for something

Spain Takes Break From Economic Woes to Laugh at Rick Scott

Perennial top contender for America’s most fervently incompetent governor Rick Scott is working hard for the title even on a trade mission to Spain: He managed to earn immediate ridicule from the country’s 47 million residents within actual seconds of meeting the King of Spain. He’s efficient! King Juan Carlos has lately been in hot water for taking a fancy elephant-murdering trip to Botswana while the country’s economy shrivels under a banking crisis and a 24% unemployment rate, so much so that he issued a first-ever public apology for his actions. This provided a no-fail comedy setup for Florida’s dipstick governor, whose first words upon meeting the king were, “I’ve ridden elephants. I’ve never tried to shoot one.” Don’t stop there, Rick! (He doesn’t.) Read more on Spain Takes Break From Economic Woes to Laugh at Rick Scott…
  ha ha and you went to journalism school

Film School: Your Exciting New Path to Obtaining Government Secrets

Right around the time in 2011 that Robert Gates was ordering everyone who knew anything about the operations of the strike that offed Osama bin Laden to shut the hell up in the name of Secrecy, a newly-released document obtained through a FOIA request shows that top Pentagon and CIA officials were holding hot gossip sessions with filmmakers Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal to share sexy details from the mission planning that Bigelow and Boal wanted for their new movie. The officials also made the filmmakers swear not to tell anyone else who they got their secrets from to avoid making the rest of the kids on the playground (“The Fourth Estate”) feel bad about being left out. But now the jig is up! Read more on Film School: Your Exciting New Path to Obtaining Government Secrets…
  congressional kinksters

Steve King Talking Dirty In Public Again

America’s most vocal light bulb sex toy fetishist Rep. Steve King had a hot little pile of mouth poop to share with his constituents regarding his personal vision for doling out U.S. work visas to immigrants, by comparing these humans to dogs: “You want a good bird dog? You want one that’s going to be aggressive? Pick the one that’s the friskiest … not the one that’s over there sleeping in the corner.” It goes without saying that Steve King volunteers to personally put a leash on each visa applicant and test for “friskiness,” with his light bulb. Read more on Steve King Talking Dirty In Public Again…
  in the sexual way mostly

Wingnuts Confused Over How To Be Angry About New DC Comics Gay Superhero

Some horrified wingnuts have been distressed over the announcement that DC Comics will “turn” one of its major legacy superheroes gay in June, and weirdly those wingnuts don’t include vile hate lizard Bryan Fischer. After all, at last someone is recognizing what Bryan Fischer’s many arduous years relentlessly studying gay men taught him long ago: that a muscle-bound man who runs around in tights must be a very naughty pervert indeed. Vindication. So really, what is the big hairy-chested deal here, angry conservatives? Let us turn to the tense worrywarts of the Weekly Standard for what is one rather novel argument adrift in the sea of outrage, here it is: We ought to feel disgusted because DC Comics is using gays for, get this, marketing purposes. GAYSPLOITATION. Read more on Wingnuts Confused Over How To Be Angry About New DC Comics Gay Superhero…
  snowbilly recession

Sarah Palin Snubbed For Top Speaking Spot at Dairy Goods Meetup

National Free Lunch expert Sarah Palin has apparently accepted an exciting spot as some food industry lecturer at this year’s “International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,” sure. Complimentary donuts. But according to the hot speaker lineup spotted by Wonkette baked-goods operative “Banana_bread,” Sarah Palin lost out for the top-billed spot to alleged racist diabetes shill Paula Deen. Will this demotion be tolerated? Read more on Sarah Palin Snubbed For Top Speaking Spot at Dairy Goods Meetup…
  off-label uses

Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!

What is our beloved most recent former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin doing to claim a paycheck these days? The grifter quitter queen is executing nasal drone strikes on Kansas voters with delusional voice messages informing them that despite the best available geographic information to the contrary, they are all secretly living in Texas, unbeknownst to themselves. “Hello, Texas. I’m Sarah Palin,” is the actual most chilling ear spam anyone who believed him or herself to be outside Texas borders could hear upon picking up the phone. The nation as a result has collectively decided that it needs a powerful sedative, the only possible explanation for InTrade’s current top five most bankable picks for this year’s vice-presidential running mate. Who are they? Everyone tucked in and ready for their comas? Read more on Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!…
  our nation's leaders

Report: Congress Using Smaller Words to Yell at Each Other This Year

Here is an important Monday newsflash to cruelly ruin any budding sense of optimism you may have had about the week: Congress is talking more dumber, new study proves it. The somewhat ironic-sounding “Sunlight Foundation” fished through the daily mosh pits of word battle waged in Congress from 2005 to the present and found that the overall level of oratory in the nation’s most elevated chambers of governance flunked itself back an entire grade level from 11.5 to 10.6 in that time. Just thank Space Jesus they didn’t factor in Chuck Grassley’s Twitter account, okay? Read more on Report: Congress Using Smaller Words to Yell at Each Other This Year…
  surefire as surefire gets

Mitt Romney Will Use Constant Mockery To Win America’s Hearts

Mitt Romney’s erstwhile lecture tour of Doomed America — last seen some months back when he gave us a guided car trip past the dilapidated homes of Detroit poors followed by a quick scold for Lazy America outside a shuttered factory in Pennsylvania — is now back with a third stop where he has ridiculed restoration efforts to a New Hampshire “bridge to nowhere.” Mocking struggling local communities may be a bit of an unorthodox way to campaign for the presidency, but by gum if Mitt Romney isn’t at least consistent about it. Read more on Mitt Romney Will Use Constant Mockery To Win America’s Hearts…
  great legislative achievements

House Votes to Give Middle Finger to Pentagon Missile Defense Strategy

The House of Representatives thrust 299 irate middle fingers into the air in response to military leaders’ claim that the United States does not need yet another missile interceptor site with a vote Friday in favor of authorizing $100 million to start planning for an East Coast missile defense system that U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command General Charles Jacoby has spoken of with such ringing endorsements as, “Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field and we do not have plans to do so.” Yes, well. Either Congress will spend this money on plotting a multibillion-dollar dream force field against Iran’s imaginary long-range missile arsenal, or some silly children can have their dirty food stamps. “And no one wants that!” thundered all the puffy middle fingers in a voice filled with pique, meaning the food stamps. Read more on House Votes to Give Middle Finger to Pentagon Missile Defense Strategy…