Kirsten Boyd Johnson

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Chuck Grassley’s Weary Cell Phone Turns Against Him (VIDEO)

Famous Senate coot Chuck Grassley has now forgotten how to operate his beleaguered cell phone beyond any function other than to beam nonsense to the Twitters. HOW DOES THE SILENCE BUTTON WORK, CONSARNIT? Let this be a warning to...

GOP Congressman Calls China Government a Bunch of Hitlers

Whose turn is it to play Adolf Hitler today in the forever binary saga of the Republicans versus secret zombie Adolf Hitler come back from the dead disguised as (insert ridiculous noun here) to devour hysterical conservatives? This kitten?...

Did Bilderberg Monsters Just Crown Mitt Romney Your Next Leader?

Hot rumors suggest that Mitt Romney may have been in attendance at last weekend's top secret Bilderberg enclave in Virginia, where he may or may not have been anointed America's next ruler by the world leaders of government, finance,...

We Need To Harsh on Barbara Walters For a Minute

Here is a fun behind-the-scenes glimpse from the nauseating world of sycophantic television journalism*: leaked emails show that the normally-benign daytime tube fixture Barbara Walters tried to help a 22-year-old press aide to murder-hungry Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad obtain...

Let’s All Enjoy Mitt Romney’s Old Love Letters to Individual Mandate

We all vaguely know that Mitt Romney was at one time one of those Marxist militants who sought to force healthcare coverage on human individuals with a government requirement that most individuals buy private health insurance available through a...

GOP Lawmaker Wants To Raise Taxes Now For Some Reason (Hint: War)

Add another tally to the "Yes" column on the "Is 2012 the year of the Apocalypse?" score sheet: a Republican in Congress has discovered the virtues of "revenue increases," the polite society term for the more vulgar swear "tax...

Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards

Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Extreme Delegate Apportionment brought to you by America's disgruntled old Paultard contingent. These political bloodsport fanatics spent the weekend screaming and flinging themselves about at the Louisiana GOP's state convention after...

Watch Tom Barrett Tell Scott Walker He Is a Miserable Weiner (VIDEO)

Here is Democratic candidate for Wisconsin governor Tom Barrett telling off hated weasel face and current Republican governor Scott Walker in last night's second and final debate before the recall election on June 5. Tom Barrett is of course...

Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected

What are politicians promising prospective constituents in campaign ads these days, "fiscal responsibility" or some such perhaps? LAME, and also a terrible lie. Fuck that. Oklahoma Democratic candidate for Congress Rob Wallace promises not to let Texas steal any...

We Can Now Identify History’s Dumbest Political Campaign Spokesman

Here he is, it is this guy pictured at left. This is Jay Townsend, campaign spokesman for GOP Rep. Nan Hayworth, the communications genius who managed to join a seemingly innocuous Facebook comment thread about falling gas prices on...

Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition

Well doesn't this just appear to be a promising comedy setup? Let's just end the tension right now and tell you in advance, it is. But you knew this: It is a universal law of Reason that because Michele...

Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron

We all know that the Department of Homeland Security has several sub-basements filled with all the illegitimate offspring of the members of Congress whose sole miserable task is to sit at the computer consoles they are chained to and...

Don’t Worry, Thrashing Lunatic on Illinois House Floor Just Some Legislator

Dance party on the Illinois House floor! Here we have what appears to be state Rep. Mike Bost busting a hot move while his anxious-looking colleague in the white shirt ...claps along to keep time? What fun! Someone sure...

House Republicans Locate Lone Instance When Equal Rights Apply

House Republicans have at long last identified a segment of a woman's existence when they feel she deserves federal protection against discrimination: the six or so weeks between when the sex of a fetus can be determined and when...

AZ Teabagger Candidate Running on Traditional Platform of Hypocrisy

Arizona GOP congressional candidate Jesse Kelly has passed the official Republican officeholder's personality test by demonstrating that the thing he most loves to talk about hating in public is also the very same thing he most loves to cuddle...

Mitt Romney Won’t Cancel Tacky Vegas Vow Renewal With Trump

Mitt Romney has announced that he will not be canceling his hot Las Vegas dinner date fundraiser with washed-up nut sack Donald Trump just because Donald Trump has been having birther "episodes" in the press -- this time that...