Author Archives: Kirsten Boyd Johnson

  in which she wishes scott walker on you

An Interview With Kirsten Boyd Johnson By Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Congratulations, Wonkette, your relationship with the Internet has lasted longer than the average American marriage. It is hard to believe you have managed to stay together all these years given the quantity of insults, childish behavior and emotional abuse you have hurled at each other, but this is simply proof of the Bible’s number one rule, “expect the unexpected.” Since Rebecca asked me to write “something” about my time at Wonkette, I will share with you another profound relationship lesson I learned from this website: I could never love anybody who doesn’t make me laugh at least as often as Michele Bachmann does. This is an important actual litmus test I use in everyday life. You should, too, because how is there love without laughter? There isn’t. Just look at Donald Trump. No one struggles to understand basic humor more than he does, and his existence is basically like living inside a jar full of farts. Moving on, I will interview myself about a couple things. Read more on An Interview With Kirsten Boyd Johnson By Kirsten Boyd Johnson…
  happy endings

Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space

Well, Newt Gingrich has at last achieved his lifelong goal of conquering the void of empty space. Just look at him out there, the brave emperor of a vast, dark and lonely realm surrounded by his only true companions, some insane person in a scary-looking costume and an elephant. We just knew you could do it, Newt. We just knew. [Buzzfeed] Read more on Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space…
  endless cummer '12

Alleged Sex Creep in Peter Pan Hat Is Prominent Oregon GOP Politican, Of Course

The spring season of political sex scandals, like the presidential campaigns, like the bland and uninspired bickering of Congress, like the campaign ads’ lack of demon sheep, masturbating witches and Basil Marceaux, are so boring that we are sharing this tale of a dim Oregon GOP lawmaker who had consensual, heterosexual sex with his staffer: “A former aide to Deputy House Republican Leader Matt Wingard (R-Wilsonville) has accused him of giving her alcohol when she was underage, pressuring her to have sex, and keeping her on the public payroll after she ended the relationship with him and stopped reporting for work.” In reality this still sounds pretty bad, but your Wonkette was not sold until we came across the above picture of Wingard wearing a silly hat to work. This is how actual editorial processes work in professional newsrooms. (News editor: “Eh, kill the story unless there are good pictures.” Chief photo editor/intern slave: “We have one of the guy fellating a corn dog.” News editor: “Great, I’ll put a reporter on it.”) This makes it a good enough process for your Wonkette. Anyhow, Wingard has now resigned his leadership post in shame. Hooray! Read more on Alleged Sex Creep in Peter Pan Hat Is Prominent Oregon GOP Politican, Of Course…
  neener

Ha Ha, Leading Arizona Mexican-Hater Wingnut Kicked Out of Mexican Eateries

Top Arizona horse’s ass Russell Pearce, the former state Senator known for his awkward testicle jokes and his authorship of the state’s anti-immigration law that codified higher levels of skin pigmentation as a form of suspicious behavior, was rejected by two Mexican restaurants in Phoenix upon trying to hold a fundraiser at each to help get himself back into office. That is correct: He wanted to stage an event, to collect money for himself, in a Mexican dining establishment. And yet it turned out not to be the most foolproof way of gloating. Read more on Ha Ha, Leading Arizona Mexican-Hater Wingnut Kicked Out of Mexican Eateries…
  free internet porn is the worst

Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath

The Senate Banking Committee ordered Wall Street fuck-up and J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to testify Wednesday on how his bank managed to turn over $2 billion into poop and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety should, in fact, necessitate a few moderate regulations to prevent such things in future. Just kidding, please drug test yourself immediately for meth if you thought this would happen. Famous idiot Senator Jim DeMint used Dimon’s visit to hold a whiny losers support group meeting. “We can hardly sit in judgement of your losing $2 billion,” said DeMint. “We lose twice that every day here in Washington and plan to continue to do that every day.” Did we say support group? We meant a slippery, wrinkled white orgy, and that was foreplay. We discourage you from reading the following filth on a work computer. Read more on Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath…
  ho-hum

Illinois GOP Lawmaker Arrested in Animal Feed Bag-Related Incident

Illinois crazytime state lawmaker update alert newsbreak: GOP state Senator Suzi Schmidt, the curiously thrilled human pictured at left, was arrested for, uh, “damaging” an animal feed bag belonging to the neighbors and was later served with an “emergency stalking no contact order.” This is the same Suzi Schmidt who last year preemptively phoned 911 dispatchers on Christmas to first inform them of her official title and then instruct them to ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse and then bragged that her husband was “afraid” of her connections. How is this woman not governor yet? Read more on Illinois GOP Lawmaker Arrested in Animal Feed Bag-Related Incident…
  here it comes

Mitt Romney Would Now Like to Discuss Presidential ‘Incentives’ at This Stage in Hiring Process

Mitt Romney has apparently observed that many Americans seem to feel they are not getting their money’s worth out of the highest branches of government. This might be an apt time for a lesson in democracy, a time to reassess the wisdom of electing intransigent nuts to fill jobs that by definition require an ability to work well with others of differing viewpoints, or maybe it is a time for a lesson on a little something Mitt Romney invented called “the private sector.” Here’s how Mittens would like this to work: “I do believe in linking my incentives and my commitment to the accomplishment of specific goals,” Romney said. “I wish we had that happen throughout government.” Smart! So let’s see if we remember how this works… wait, so how much will Mitt earn if, for example, he manages to dismantle the country and sell off individual states to Canada and China at a profit? Read more on Mitt Romney Would Now Like to Discuss Presidential ‘Incentives’ at This Stage in Hiring Process…
  idjit brigade

Arizona Guy Loves Guns So Much You Must Elect Him to Congress Now

Here is excitable-looking Arizona nitwit congressional candidate “Ron Gould” runnin’ around with his flat-top ‘do and his murder weapons and his pack o’ hounds before he takes a quick break from huntin’ Mexicans in the desert to pump buckshot into “government-run health care,” meaning the federal health care reform law requiring citizens to purchase private insurance, from private companies. PRINCIPLES. For his next ad, “Ron Gould” will pump buckshot into leeching Arizona seniors crying for their government-run Medicare, probably. Read more on Arizona Guy Loves Guns So Much You Must Elect Him to Congress Now…
  furry celebrities

And Here Is a Photo of Michele Bachmann Disguised As a Pig

This is your Monday Fun Post picture of famous nut Michele Bachmann dressed in some kind of furry costume whilst campaigning for reelection in Hugo, Minnesota this weekend. That’s nice. Is this because Michele Bachmann loves pork barrel spending on the pork industry, in her home state? So meta! Or maybe she is simply having a bad hair day? Ugh, your Wonkette is being sexist. Or you tell us what is happening. Caption contest! Read more on And Here Is a Photo of Michele Bachmann Disguised As a Pig…
  tampa is just 'armageddon' spelled in wingnuttish

Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards

As foretold in Revelation, Lord of Lunatics Rick Santorum has warned that he is fortifying his followers for some kind of world-ending battle to fend off the interloping Paultard hordes at the Republican National Convention in Florida, in August. It will be sweaty. “I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight,” said Santorum, a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.” Ron Paul’s supporters have indeed been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to the Emperor Mittens during his coronation. Rick Santorum is not having any of this. WAR. Read more on Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards…
  visions of america

Hillbilly Koran-Burning Pastor Does New Insane Thing For Attention

Florida swamp monster Terry Jones needs money. Or he has run out of sedatives. Or, and we’re going to say this is the most likely one, he is feeling a little hard up these days, because he’s about to get a complimentary body cavity exam from the Secret Service: He put some kind of racist art installation piece on the front lawn of his “Dove World Outreach Center” nut factory that depicts a dummy made up to look like Barack Obama hanging from a noose alongside a sign that reads, “Obama is Killing America.” It’s not a very good caption for this sculpture since Barack Obama seems more like the object rather than the subject of the sculpture, if it were a sentence, but the nation’s illiterate racist contingent will probably get the meaning regardless. Read more on Hillbilly Koran-Burning Pastor Does New Insane Thing For Attention…
  runtime error

Doughnut Identification Glitch Detected in Mitt Romney Software

Your mostly lazy editor had vowed to challenge herself when typing nonsense posts about Mitt Romney, to not go for the perpetually obvious Mittens-qua-robot theme as a matter of trying to avoid worn-out tropes, but… we give up here. This man cannot identify a doughnut. He looks at a plate of them for several seconds, but no… no, it doesn’t quite come to him. He’ll just point at the items and laugh! Whew, good save. He then promises to perform “testing” upon one of them, to later ascertain the relevant data points and incorporate them into his memory bank. Oop, can’t put it in his mouth, though! Might goo up the circuits. Read more on Doughnut Identification Glitch Detected in Mitt Romney Software…
  who knows what might happen

GOP Rep. Warns Activist to ‘Consider’ Before Trying to Educate Congress Again

Colorado GOP Representative Doug Lamborn, the nefarious numbskull briefly mocked in the national news last year for managing to slip the words “tar baby” into a whine about the black president, would not care to apologize to an award-winning coal-mining activist whose attempt to testify to the House Natural Resources Committee about the pollution caused by mountaintop coal-removal using a photograph of a forlorn-looking child huddled in a bathtub full of putrid orange water was met with a child pornography investigation from Capitol Police, at the request of committee staff members. The police of course found nothing, but let this be…some kind of dire lesson, about trying to educate members of Congress against their will. “I think this woman should consider what type of materials she brings to hearings,” said Lamborn. “Maybe that’s something she wants to consider.” Speaking of considerations, what led him to this astute conclusion? What specifically in his own estimation? Read more on GOP Rep. Warns Activist to ‘Consider’ Before Trying to Educate Congress Again…
  homework assignment!

Everyone Must Spam GOP’s Anti-Healthcare Reform Livestream Thing Immediately

The National Republican Congressional Committee has helpfully parked a camera right above a printer in its office that it has dedicated to churning out constant filth for your amusement. Here is the tumblr where you can go fill out your very own “online petition to repeal the health care law” or whatever and watch your submission be printed out in the NRCC office. Hurry before they have to chop down all the trees on Earth to keep the paper tray filled! Read more on Everyone Must Spam GOP’s Anti-Healthcare Reform Livestream Thing Immediately…
  high concept

Shell Celebrates New Arctic Drilling With Malfunctioning Oil Rig-Themed Party (UPDATE: SUPER FAKE)

If you got together a big private party full of Shell Oil Company VIPs in a posh location like the Seattle Space Needle to celebrate the impending start to their new Arctic drilling project off the coast of Alaska, and they decided to mark the occasion by building a scale replica of the real life oil rig going to the Arctic and this oil rig was made by the same people who built the Deepwater Horizon rig and this scale model rig was designed to neatly dispense alcohol for party guests, what do you think must inevitably occur with all that symbolic setup sitting around tempting fate? Occupy Seattle activist Logan Price was able to sneak in there and find out: “It all started with a malfunction…. of the event’s centerpiece, a scale model of the Kulluk, one of the rigs heading up north, which was sitting in a basin of liquor (rum and coke?) next to an ice sculpture in the shape of an iceberg…” Oh dear. We like where this is going. **UPDATE: Your Wonkette editor is a terrible, gullible person and the story is apparently a sad fake and we are ashamed. Oh well.** Read more on Shell Celebrates New Arctic Drilling With Malfunctioning Oil Rig-Themed Party (UPDATE: SUPER FAKE)…
  a fine hobby

Mitt Romney Is Southern California’s One-Man Narc Squad

Country club gossip bulletin the New York Times has finally done the important journalistic work of sending a reporter down to southern California to lurk around the driveway of Mitt Romney’s beachfront La Jolla mansion and quiz the neighbors for dirt on all of his annoying domestic habits. It’s mostly standard suburban neighbor drama queen fare — he parks the family’s fleet of Cadillacs directly in front of everyone’s driveways and he won’t let anyone’s dogs poop on his lawn for free, probably. We skimmed it. That is, until we came across a very delightful anecdote about how Mitt Romney likes to spend his beachfront constitutionals combing for young local marijuana users in need of a sharp talking-to. Because some people seem unaware of the existence of laws prohibiting public cannabis consumption, ahem. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Southern California’s One-Man Narc Squad…