Author Archives: Kaili Joy Gray

  Right in the ear pal

Dear Black Folks, Mike Huckabee Would Like To Be Your White Knight

Fuck you, you fucking fuck
Boy, do we owe Mike Huckabee an apology. While we have, in the past, subtly suggested that Mike Huckabee is a racist piece of fuck, it seems we were wrong. Huckabee loooooooooooves African-Americans and knows the troubles they’ve seen, and he is ready to stand up and fight for their right to not have their real struggles compared to the fake gay kind: Read more on Dear Black Folks, Mike Huckabee Would Like To Be Your White Knight…
  He's almost as good as Michele Bachmann

GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes

He does history good
Wisconsin’s freshman Republican Rep. Glenn Grothman is fast becoming our favorite numb-nutted wingnut in the House. He’s the one who recently suggested the good people of his district spy on suspicious looking grocery store shoppers, just to make sure those fake welfare queens aren’t buying too many crab legs. He’d already created quite a name for himself as a state senator, with some neat ideas about getting rid of weekends and officially declaring single parents child abusers, and we expect great derptastic things from him during his congressional career. Read more on GOP Congresstwit So Sad SCOTUS Pissed On Graves Of Christian Civil War Heroes…
  The Christians Are Revolting

Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties

And now this shit
Despite the Supreme Court ordering every single American to get gay married right this second, some Real Good Christians are shouting, “Don’t wanna! Don’t hafta! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” Which is rude and also wrong, but that rarely stops bigots from doing that thing they do. Which is why they are inventing loopholes, or outright defying what is now the law of the land, to continue their battle against equality. Read more on Jesus-American County Clerks Paralyzed By Gay Cooties…
  He made it the old fashioned way

Jeb Bush Tax Returns Reveal He’s F*cking Rich

Only in America
There’s one thing Jeb Bush learned real good from Mitt Romney, besides how to flip flop around like a dying fish on even the simplest of questions, and that is: don’t try to hide how rich you are. You are rich, and everyone knows it, so don’t be all mysterious and defensive because you’ll be asked about it for the rest of your life. (We’re still waiting for Mitt to let us see his tax returns so we can calculate approximately how much of his cash is stashed in the Cayman Islands.) Read more on Jeb Bush Tax Returns Reveal He’s F*cking Rich…
  Everyone is happy now

BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt

This is America now basically
In case you missed it because you were trapped under something heavy, the Supreme Court crammed healthcare AND marriage equality up and down all of our orifices last week. While you might be 69 kinds of butthurt about the uber-liberal judicial tyranny of some dumb lawyers in robes, your friends and neighbors and your mom and her friends and neighbors and their moms are quite thrilled: Read more on BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt…
  thanks obama!

President Obama To Give Everyone Free Money Just For Working Real Hard

Manhater
President Robin Hood has yet another evil scheme to redistribute the wealth, taking money from poor oppressed employers to give to their greedy fat cat workers, by redefining the traditional definition of “overtime work.” From the White House basement, the dirty blogger in chief explained: Read more on President Obama To Give Everyone Free Money Just For Working Real Hard…
  So leadership many bold

Jeb! Bush So Proud He Quietly Hid Confederate Flag, Stuck It To PC Police

Take your time, buddy
On a scale of one to potato, exactly how stupid is Jeb Bush? All, yes, eleven, and yams. After ever so timidly suggesting South Carolina might perhaps consider removing the Confederate flag from its state capitol grounds, the way Bush did when he was governor of Florida — quietly removing it over the weekend while no one was looking — Bush is now very proud, and would like ALL THE COOKIES, for standing up to the PC police: Read more on Jeb! Bush So Proud He Quietly Hid Confederate Flag, Stuck It To PC Police…
  Just close your eyes and think of Jesus

Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging

Too bad, so sad
Alabama has officially joined the bandwagon of Sore Losers who refuse to believe the War on Marriage Equality is over, and the bigots did not win. The state’s Supreme Court issued an order Monday, declaring that even though the United States Supreme Court already ruled on Obergefell v. Hodges, Alabama has not decided yet whether that ruling applies (spoiler: it does), so the case is NOT closed: Read more on Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging…
  never give up never surrender

GOP Rep. To Supreme Court: If You Like Obamacare So Much, Why Don’t You Gay Marry It?

Rep. Brian Babin (R-Crybaby)
After the Supreme Court saved Obamacare, AGAIN, most Republicans were more or less content to stomp their feet, shake their tiny fists of fury, repeat their five-year-old warnings that expanded healthcare access will destroy America (any day now, you’ll see!), and have themselves a good cry. And we drank of their tears, and enjoyed them ever so. Read more on GOP Rep. To Supreme Court: If You Like Obamacare So Much, Why Don’t You Gay Marry It?…
  Here have some news n stuff

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a “quite distinctive man” with a quite distinctive flag: Read more on CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs…
  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! Read more on Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful…
  WE WON!

Supreme Court Says We Are All Gay-Married Now, America F*ck Yeah!

Just suck it up
We told you so, and we were right: The Fourteenth Amendment requires a State to license a marriage between two people of the same sex and to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex when their marriage was lawfully licensed and performed out-of-State. It’s official. Five justices of the Supreme Court — and you can probably guess which ones — have, once and for all, crammed marriage equality down all of our throats, and we couldn’t be happier to open up and say “ahhhhhhhhhh.” Finally. Read more on Supreme Court Says We Are All Gay-Married Now, America F*ck Yeah!…
  how the fuck is babby formed again?

Looks Like God Knocked Up Bristol Palin Again

Molotov again, Bristol!
Oh my stars, it seems America’s most virginal born-again virgin is with child. Again: I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. Read more on Looks Like God Knocked Up Bristol Palin Again…
  Give them another five years

Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One

It's like health care only different
The highest court of unelected activist judges in the whole Us of America declared, for the second time, that Obamacare haters need to hush now and take a nap because that shit is kosher, yo. Which does not mean the Republican Party or any of its “presidential” “candidates” are going to do that. The Affordable Care Act may be the super-duper twice-certified constitutional law of the land, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be repealed and replaced with something even MORE better, dunno what yet, that’s not what matters right now! Read more on Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One…
  Enjoying the free market?

Whole Foods Busted For Overpriced Organic Vegan Tofu Yuppie Chow

Probably his fault somehow
Stop the recycled paper presses, Whole Foods is gouging its customers! Wait, we knew that, didn’t we? Yes. We mean, more than we even knew! According to an EXCLUSIVE report by NY Daily News, the New York Department of Consumer Affairs has been watching the sneaky way grocery stores throughout the city, especially Whole Foods, have been free marketing customers, with inaccurate labels: Read more on Whole Foods Busted For Overpriced Organic Vegan Tofu Yuppie Chow…
  Don't speak like EVER

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President

Oh, that guy. He was OK in Bull Durham.
No one was waiting around to hear what Reagan fanboy and former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb has to say about the Confederate flag, because no one cares what he has to say about anything, and now we are quite sure the “Democratic” presidential candidate should have kept his stupid mouth shut: Read more on ‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Fondly Remembers Slave Holders, Still Won’t Be President…
  Not so brave after all

Nikki Haley Did Her One Good Thing, Back To Being Coward Now

Leadership fail
While people are so busy clap-clapping for South Carolina’s Republican governor, who finally and quite reluctantly called for the removal of the Confederate flag from the state capitol, they might want to take a brief intermission to note just how reluctant Nikki Haley is to see the flag removed: Read more on Nikki Haley Did Her One Good Thing, Back To Being Coward Now…
  She used to be someone

Won’t Some Nice White Person Please Give Ann Coulter A Hug?

Sad Ann Coulter is sad
Ann Coulter is not doing so well. It’s been a rough ride for the original Blonde Conservative Chick, who’s looking a little past her pull date, if you know what we mean. (We’d apologize for sounding sexist and ageist, but she’d hate that, so we won’t.) She used to be a novelty, but now there are dozens of younger, blonder, leggier, dumber, smilier, crazier conservative chicks. She is nothing special. She’s this close to being an answer on “Jeopardy!”: Born in 1961, this conservative columnist and commentator used to regularly appear on television and in newspapers, before she was deemed too toxic even for most conservatives. Who is Ann Coulter? And does anyone care? Alas, no. Read more on Won’t Some Nice White Person Please Give Ann Coulter A Hug?…
  She can't even get 113 percent!

New Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Already President

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
Try not to get too happy in your privates, but there’s a shiny new poll that shows Hillary Clinton is the winningest presidential candidate right now, by all the points: Basically, all the Democrats are like, “Yeah, we are cool with Hillz,” despite OOOOH SCARY headlines recently that she should be shaking in her pantsuit because Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders (buy your Bernie T-shirts today!) is getting some thumbs ups and big crowds at campaign events. Of course he is, because he says all the good words that make progressives go all swoony, which is why we also too love him. But and however, Clinton has been saying good words as well, which might be part of why 75 percent of Democrats are #ReadyForHillary. That, in case you did not know, is a big number. It’s bigger than the 15 percent who say Bernie is their guy, and it’s a whole lot bigger than the less than 1 percent of people who know who the hell Lincoln Chafee is. Read more on New Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Already President…