Author Archives: Kaili Joy Gray

  Schmuck Of The Year 5775

Weird, Jews Don’t Accept Mike Huckabee As Lord And Savior Either

Fuck this guy
Oy, there sure has been a lot of blowharding about The Jews lately, eh? Because President Obama made a deal with Iran about its nuclear power program, which equals Hitler and Hitler appeasers too, somehow, plus also now all The Jews are going to be Holocausted. Literally. To death. In the ovens. This, from some Not The Jews, who like to say how much they love The Jews, and they “have a lot of Jewish friends.” But actually, these Not The Jews are anti-Semitic fucknozzles who can hardly wait for The Jews to hurry up and die so the Not The Jews can get raptured up to Heaven and eat all the bacon-wrapped shrimp, with Jesus. Read more on Weird, Jews Don’t Accept Mike Huckabee As Lord And Savior Either…
  Get him a hanky

Crybaby John Boehner Must Be On His Period Again

Tanned, ready, and drunk as fuck John Boehner is sooooo Mr. Sensitive Male — the Alan Alda of the House of Representatives, really — with all of his delicate feelings and all of his Merlot-flavored tears. So why is Boehner crying today? Did he break a nail? Get a tear in his stockings? Get dumped by someone he thought was really The One? Oh, no, he is crying because being interviewed for the Golf Channel — THE GOLF CHANNEL, PEOPLE! — really moves him a whole lot. To tears: Read more on Crybaby John Boehner Must Be On His Period Again…
  We like this Obama

President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes

Just pointing out the obvious
Now that President Barry H. O’Bamz is this close to being SO outta here and SO done with all of our bullcrap, he really does not give a good goddamn. And he will say anything he wants to say. He will say the N-word, even though you pasty white mofos on Fox don’t get to, unfair! — and then he’ll say the P-word, the Q-word, the silent H-word, and all the other words, too. Read more on President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes…
  Can anyone join in?

Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz

Nope
Everyone hates Ted Cruz, right? Right. And his Republican colleagues in the Senate are no exception: Cruz, a Texas senator who is running for the Republican presidential nomination, drew the ire of his colleagues for claiming the top Republican in the Senate lied to him. He accused Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) of going back on a promise he claims McConnell made to him about the contentious Export-Import Bank. It turns out there there is some rule for senators about how they are not supposed to be dicks to each other on the Senate floor: Rule 19, which, as Sen. Susan Collins explained, “is very clear that no senator is to impugn the integrity of another senator.” Apparently, calling the Senate majority leader a liar impugns his integrity, or whatever, and also, Republicans like McConnell much more than they like Cruz. So they all took their turns speechifying about what an immature rule-breaking dick Cruz is. Here’s Sen. Lamar Alexander, kicking Cruz in the nuts: Read more on Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz…
  journamalism

New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation

Delete your account, NYT
In its pathological Liberal Media quest to catch Billary Clinton Doing Some Kind of Bad Thing That Is Bad Maybe, the New York Times published a devastating, campaign-destroying, earth-shattering, game-changing, smoking gun GOTCHA! story late Thursday night, and it was Not Excellent News for Hillary: Read more on New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation…
  Uh ...?

Bill Cosby Got Quaaludes For His Sore Vagina, To Sex Ladies In Their ‘Rejection’ Holes

Our thoughts exactly
We already know that Bill Cosby put the rape drugs in the women, to do sex to them, because he told us. Here is a new gross factoid, though: He got those prescriptions for Quaaludes from a gynecologist. For those of you who are not a scientist, that’s a ladyparts doctor. For ladyparts. WEIRD. Read more on Bill Cosby Got Quaaludes For His Sore Vagina, To Sex Ladies In Their ‘Rejection’ Holes…
  Not that we blame you

New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck

You sad bro?
What up, Republicans? You feeling sorta down, sorta bad about yourselves these days? Because of how you suck and no one likes you? And everyone is pointing and laughing HAHAHAHAHAHA, and saying, “Look at these idiots HAHAHAHAHAHA”? Yeah, we know you are. And you know you are too. And here are some numbers and graphs and nerdy nerd stuff like that to prove it. The Pew Research Center interrupted the dinners of 2002 adults and asked them what they think of the Republican Party, and they were like, “Oh, those guys? Those guys suck!” Read more on New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck…
  Grandma Kaili's Korner

Kids These Days Good At Math, Bad At F*cking

What squares!
Hello, American teenage teens, quick question for you: Why are you so goddamned boring? Do you not know how to be teenagers and do stupid rebellious teenage things, and get yourselves into trouble and be reckless and irresponsible and stupid, so you will learn all the important lessons about how to not do that when you are growed up? Obviously, yes: Read more on Kids These Days Good At Math, Bad At F*cking…
  He'll make Mexico great again too!

Donald Trump Risks His Life To Yell At Messicans

Listen up, you Messico losers!
The Donald already knows everything there is to know about everything, including Mexico. That’s where they make all the rapists and the drugs and the murderers too, and also the Donald Trump piñatas. And when he is president, he is going to build a YOOOOOOOGE fence around it, and it will be made of gold and say TRUMP and it will be so fuckin’ classy, you don’t even know. Read more on Donald Trump Risks His Life To Yell At Messicans…
  makes perfect sense

Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood

No babies for vets until they save all the babies!
Oooooh, Senate Republicans are SO mad! Turns out there is a thing called Planned Parenthood, it does healthcare to ladies, including abortion healthcare, and absolutely nothing — NOTHING! — is more important than putting a stop to that right now. Not even our veterans, who are all heroes, every single one of them, but most especially Sen. John McCain, even if he is a RINO. And definitely not our lady veterans, who want to have babies. Sorry ladies, you’ll just have to wait until the GOP saves all the babies first. Read more on Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood…
  Classier than Ann Romney's horse probably

Marco Rubio Thinks President Obama Is No-Class Bitch

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.
La di da and fiddle dee dee, who knew Miss Marco Rubio was such a delicate little flower? But he is, it turns out, because while sitting on the Stupid Sofa of Stupid on “Fox & Friends,” the soon-to-be-unemployed senator from Florida pearl-clutched so hard about just how Not Classy the president is. Why? you may ask, as if it’s not obvious. Well! Did you know the president went on “The Daily Show” — which, Rubio will have you know, is a “comedy show” — where he made light of “something as serious as Iran”? It is true! Here is the president, casually and unseriously talking about Iran, how dare he, so uncouth! Read more on Marco Rubio Thinks President Obama Is No-Class Bitch…
  whoa if true

Wingnut Birthers Prove Hillary Clinton’s Even More Secret Gay Muslim Than Obama

P.S. They ARE crackpots
Oh, this again some more? Sure, because it never gets old! Wingnut birther Jerome Corsi and other wingnut birther and conspiracy theory generalist-at-large Alex Jones were having themselves a little girl talk, on the interweb, as they do. They have worked together before, to expose THE TRUTH about how Obama was never even born, Hawaii made the whole thing up, there’s video and everything. (Spoiler: Not really, but you knew that, right?) So, here they are, together again, talking about the usual: Read more on Wingnut Birthers Prove Hillary Clinton’s Even More Secret Gay Muslim Than Obama…
  He fuckin' told you losers he was rich

I Am Donald J. Trump, TEN BILLIONAIRE, I Own A Mansion And A Yacht

Gonna buy Mexico too probably
Donald J. “Fuck You and Your Dumb Loser Moron Mother” Trump told us he is worth “TEN BILLION DOLLARS,” and now we get to find out how much he is lying about that. Forbes says he is only worth a piddly no-all-caps $4 billion, and he is only #405 on the list of richest fucks in America, what a loser. The 92-page financial disclosure report, required of all presidential candidates, has finally been released so we can see whether Donald Trump’s assets are in fact as YOOOGE as his balls. For example: Read more on I Am Donald J. Trump, TEN BILLIONAIRE, I Own A Mansion And A Yacht…
  Almost as popular as Donald Trump

Conservatives Hate New Pope Now, For Being Dumb Commie Tree-Hugger

Is he even Catholic?
They really don’t make popes like they used to. You know, the kind who may have sorta kinda been in the Hitler Youth — but reluctantly! And then kinda sorta tried to cover up all that unpleasantness about Catholic priests raping all the children, and bishops keeping it on the down low, when he was a lowly cardinal. And then, as Lord God King Pope of the Universe, gone around talking about how God made girls like this, and God made boys like that, and homos and feminists are fucking it all up, goddamnit, plus those uppity radical feminist nuns, boy, they’re a real problem. Read more on Conservatives Hate New Pope Now, For Being Dumb Commie Tree-Hugger…
  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  Aw nuts

Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina

Here's your gender card right here
Senate Majority Leader In Name Only Mitch McConnell (R-Literally A Tortoise) is not a big fan of the ladies. Oh, sure, he’ll pretend he is, when he is running for re-election. He will try to make with the sweet pillow talk, all like, “Heyyyyyyyyyy ladies, I support the Violence Against Women Act, because you shouldn’t smack your bitch up,” but then he’ll vote against it because he thinks it is OK to smack your bitch up if she’s a lesbian bitch with brown skin. He’s that kind of feminist. You know, the kind that is bad at feminisming. Read more on Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina…