Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of […]

Scientists may someday discover the parasite that manipulates conservative brains into vomiting up punchlines from ’70s-era “The Lighter Side Of….” cartoons whenever the word “feminist” is mentioned within a 400-yard radius. (You’ll know we’re close to a cure when John McCain, out of nowhere, starts fretting about just how much these parasite paternity lawsuits are […]

How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial Alabama and Mississippi than campaigning alongside Jeff Foxworthy, the King of the Deep South according to […]

Were you aware that the United Nations declared yesterday some sort of “International Lilith Fair/Diva Cup Festival?” We only realized this when we popped over to the Abortionplex for coffee and a quick D&C and it was closed! Bummer. Oh, well, at least we don’t have it as bad as Arizona where, oh why the […]

Back before Joe the Plumber fell into an Internet spidy-hole and was still actually getting interviewed (granted, only by things called “Christianity Today”), America’s sweetheart let slip with some—how to put this delicately—fucking nuts comments about the “queers” and how he would never let them near his children. Ha, so heartland, right? Well, Joe recently […]

Mitt Romney used to sort of not hate poor people, back when all the frothy-mawed rabid conservatives were looking the other way. Now, though, Mitt is pivoting like the big-shot management consultant he used to be (before he had to let himself go, for efficiency). This means the time has come for America’s underclass to […]

Don’t be surprised to see a statement next week from six-term Utah Senator Orrin Hatch that he is leaving office “to spend more time with [his] undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber.” DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE, as Orrin’s favorite old-timey band used to say!!! Hatch is likely to be effectively drummed out of office in the state’s […]

Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his […]

George W. Bush wasn’t doing much of anything in 2008, having pretty much checked himself out of “administrative duties” sometime in late 2006. One of the things Bush was definitely not doing as he rode out his term was bringing down the cost of gas! And the Fox News of 2008 rushed to defend his […]

The students at Southern Methodist University must have played a uniquely terrible prank on some crusty old dean, to be punished with an on-campus “daylong conference on the influence of the nation’s first ladies.” Only in Texas could this be considered not “cruel and unusual.” So let this be a liberal snob indoctrination to you, […]

Ann Romney seems like a harmless enough nice lady but maybe, like Mitt, she should stay at least 500 feet away from the word “wealthy,” for the rest of the year. [YouTube]

What an adventure did a random National Review Editorial Associate get himself into! Gather ’round, ye hobos, and hear his tale of daring… subterfuge… and rubber procurement! (Drop acid now.) It all began when a dazed but persistent carrier pigeon alighted upon the curlicued fountain pen of our Editorial Associate, to finally vomit forth the […]

Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly — of the PO Box 34358, Juneau, Alaska Epperlies — can expect a lengthy and almost certainly inappropriate phone call from pearlescent loony Orly Taitz, and maybe, too, an honorary DDS/JD she will print on discontinued “Certificate of Participation” cardstock from the Office Depot. What in blazes for, you may ask. […]

Richie Rich over here just cannot stop reminding everyone that he’s a special and obscenely wealthy snowflake. Mitt won’t be watching the Daytona 500, if it ever happens, ’cause he’s not a huge racing fan but HAHAHA some of his best friends do own racing teams, he quickly jostles to add for some damn reason. […]

Dave Albo is a Republican in the Virginia House of Delegates whose wife decided against sexing him — in flagrante delicto, apparently! — once she heard, on the teevee news accompanying their intercourse, about the creepy transvaginal ultrasound bill Dave’s party was pushing last week. Thanks to Wonkette commenter “UnholyMoses,” we can all enjoy Albo’s […]