Author Archives: Kaia Mursi

  welcome back old friend

Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber

Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his old pal Barack, during which he will get to complain about more fictional concerns, only this time based on America’s made-up financial future! Yes, Joe the Plumber, our favorite unflushable from 2008, successfully completed the difficult transition from child star to adult entertainer, and won last night’s Republican primary in Ohio’s 9th congressional district, using the more matoor-sounding stage name “Joe Wurzelbacher.” JOE THE PLUMBER IS BACK YAY FOR POLITICS! Read more on Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber…
  jawboning

Fox News: Obama Could Lower Gas Prices Now If He Wanted, Unlike Bush

George W. Bush wasn’t doing much of anything in 2008, having pretty much checked himself out of “administrative duties” sometime in late 2006. One of the things Bush was definitely not doing as he rode out his term was bringing down the cost of gas! And the Fox News of 2008 rushed to defend his inaction, calmly reassuring their as-yet unhinged pre-Tea Party audience that, duh, obviously the president just can’t up and lower gas prices, ONLY THE INVISIBLE HAND CAN. But what would happen if you swapped out “Bush” for “Obama”? Would it shock you to learn that everything at Fox would go all topsy-turvy? Read more on Fox News: Obama Could Lower Gas Prices Now If He Wanted, Unlike Bush…
  ladies who are lunching

Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’

The students at Southern Methodist University must have played a uniquely terrible prank on some crusty old dean, to be punished with an on-campus “daylong conference on the influence of the nation’s first ladies.” Only in Texas could this be considered not “cruel and unusual.” So let this be a liberal snob indoctrination to you, kids: don’t get caught next time, and you won’t have to deal with Barbara Bush, Sr., and her daughter-in-law Girl With Faraway Eyes Laura Bush, and their ward, beloved former national fuck-up George W. Bush, griping at you about a White House mattress that was so uncomfortable they had to send it back! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Well, on the bright side, at least the students unlucky enough to attend got to hear Babs trash some non-destitute people for a change, when she took the opportunity to call the 2012 GOP primary “the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life.” Read more on Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’…
  clear simple and wrong

‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception

What an adventure did a random National Review Editorial Associate get himself into! Gather ’round, ye hobos, and hear his tale of daring… subterfuge… and rubber procurement! (Drop acid now.) It all began when a dazed but persistent carrier pigeon alighted upon the curlicued fountain pen of our Editorial Associate, to finally vomit forth the message it had accidentally swallowed in 1971, during the John V. Lindsay administration, if you young bloods can remember that far back in New York City history. Upon unfolding the still damp note, the Associate was immediately and providentially hepped to the existence of an important and scary thing that had, quick reminder, BEEN OPERATIONAL FOR 40 YEARS ALREADY: a free condom campaign deviously underwritten by the City of New York’s sexed-up bureaucrats. Swift corrective action was clearly needed, STAT! Read more on ‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception…
  kenyan politics

Alaskan Idiot: Obama Is Of ‘Mulatto Race,’ Thus Not Eligible For Presidency

Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly — of the PO Box 34358, Juneau, Alaska Epperlies — can expect a lengthy and almost certainly inappropriate phone call from pearlescent loony Orly Taitz, and maybe, too, an honorary DDS/JD she will print on discontinued “Certificate of Participation” cardstock from the Office Depot. What in blazes for, you may ask. It’s because Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood, using our liberal activist court system, naturally. Whereas Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, settled for making up some nonsense about Obama not being born on real American soil to real American parents, Epperly is straight-up skipping that bit of politesse, to crow in the general direction of the Alaska State Division of Elections, “BUNK THAT! THAT PRESIDENT IS NOT WHITE, Y’ALL!!!” Read more on Alaskan Idiot: Obama Is Of ‘Mulatto Race,’ Thus Not Eligible For Presidency…
  uncomfortable truths

Mitt Romney: I’m Not A NASCAR Buff, Just Friends With ‘Team Owners’

Richie Rich over here just cannot stop reminding everyone that he’s a special and obscenely wealthy snowflake. Mitt won’t be watching the Daytona 500, if it ever happens, ’cause he’s not a huge racing fan but HAHAHA some of his best friends do own racing teams, he quickly jostles to add for some damn reason. Could these team owners maybe get M.I.T.T. a new pit crew, to do a little much needed maintenance, oh, and maybe also to ‘accidentally’ disable the vocal apparatus? That would be really friendly of them! Read more on Mitt Romney: I’m Not A NASCAR Buff, Just Friends With ‘Team Owners’…
  women be stoppin'

GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill

Dave Albo is a Republican in the Virginia House of Delegates whose wife decided against sexing him — in flagrante delicto, apparently! — once she heard, on the teevee news accompanying their intercourse, about the creepy transvaginal ultrasound bill Dave’s party was pushing last week. Thanks to Wonkette commenter “UnholyMoses,” we can all enjoy Albo’s first-person account of the unexpected interruptus of his coitus. Read more on GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill…
  guynecological issues

Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts

Oh, look, jocular bigot Pat Buchanan is using the 16 hours a day he used to spend shouting about the white man’s burden on MSNBC to call in to Washington Journal, a group therapy program televised by C-SPAN. Taking the break-up a bit hard, aren’t you, Pat? Hahah– Wait, what? He’s actually an invited guest? In 2012, A.D.? Read more on Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts…
  say anything

Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence

Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say? Read more on Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence…
  forehead blackening protocol not recognized rebooting

What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?

Reddit user “oldbean” asks the question that would have already been running through all of our heads, if we weren’t such godless scum: Will Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have ash on their foreheads in tonight’s [CNN] debate? HUH. Good question! Here are the predictions your Wonkette overlords made in the super double-secret plus cubed chatroom where we set the liberal homosexual agenda. Read more on What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?…
  downton abbortion

‘Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs On A Woman’s Womb Act’ Will Never Be

Do you remember the surreal “Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act of 2011,” the bill written in high-pitched banshee shrieks and designed to stem a fictional tide of sex- and race-based abortions? Remember how no one in real life — NO ONE — could figure out how the hell, exactly, this law could possibly be enforced, or really why it should exist at all, in any form, on any planet, at any point in geologic time? Well, everyone is still on the same page on those two points. Still stupid, still pointless, situation unchanged. But the bill’s supporters were forced to change its name, due to “objections by [House Judiciary Committee] Democrats.” The drama! The intrigue! THE ABORTIONS! Read more on ‘Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs On A Woman’s Womb Act’ Will Never Be…
  state of horror

Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most

Everyone hates the four big Republican presidential candidates! This is a Historical Fact, which, who knows, may already have made it into recently printed first-grade primers. BUT did you know that the degree to which a given voting individual intrinsically hates each GOP monster is mathemagically related to how long that individual has already had to put up with that monster? Meaning: Mitt and the Boys may now be campaigning nationally but they are most not-liked locally, where the populace has suffered the longest direct contact with them. We explore this phenomenon in detail, after the jump! Read more on Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most…
  awful people being awful

America’s #1 Professional Bigot Pat Buchanan Officially Out At MSNBC

Crusted-over boil Pat Buchanan will no longer be fomenting all-out race war at MSNBC, he is sad to announce. In his latest syndicated column (HOW MANY MEDIA DID THIS PIECE OF OFFAL NEED?) which is, of course, hilariously titled “The New Blacklist,” Buchanan revealed he is finally leaving the network after ten productive and bigotry-filled years. Let’s celebrate Pat’s legacy of barely concealed racial animus after the jump! Read more on America’s #1 Professional Bigot Pat Buchanan Officially Out At MSNBC…
  thanks for sharing

Rick Santorum: Whitney Houston Set ‘Poor Example’ For America By Dying

Piers Morgan, a British subject paid to yell poshly at Americans by teevee, lured Rick Santorum away from his last four tax returns, and asked the current GOP front-runner to share his thoughts: on celebrity, on America, on what it is to be human. To Rick, “being human” means opining that this Brittni Hustun or whatever, as “the royalty of America,” kind of set a BAD example by being “troubled by these [apparently ineffable?] things” and then dying, famously. Read more on Rick Santorum: Whitney Houston Set ‘Poor Example’ For America By Dying…
  totally ethical behavior

Newt Gingrich Will Casually Give Your Business A Shout-Out For About $200K

As a notorious proponent of BIG (any) IDEAS that drift into his head due to its considerable gravitational pull, Newt Gingrich may have just found himself the best of all possible kindred spirits: ONE WHO GIVES YOU MONEY TO SAY IDEAS!!! That’s right. All Newt has to do is publicly and promiscuously glorify something called a “business management concept” — stop dying — which just so happens to generate oodles of cash for his new favorite campaign contributor. You’re in the presence of greatness here, folks. Read more on Newt Gingrich Will Casually Give Your Business A Shout-Out For About $200K…
  say hello to virginia's little friend

Virginia Mandates ‘Unwanted Vaginal Penetration’ For The Abortion-Curious

Good heavens, your Wonkette can barely keep up with the hijinx our moral police are getting themselves into, as they bedevil legislatures and statehouses nationwide. Seems they are hell-bent on sticking a finger into every possible pie — up to and including vagina pie! Take the Republican supermajority in the Virginia House of Delegates, for example, which just passed a bill requiring any lady wanting an abortion to first have a doctor determine the gestational age of her fetus and listen to its heartbeat. Okay, whatever, a little jelly on the belly, and then, wheeeeeeee, off to the Abortionplex? Um, NOT QUITE! Read more on Virginia Mandates ‘Unwanted Vaginal Penetration’ For The Abortion-Curious…
  warblogging

Idaho’s Gays To Be Discriminated Against, Forever

Well, well, well, would you look at that. America’s pointless Culture Wars continue, completely unabated by time or human decency. Ladies, and the happenings in and about their reproductive and erogenous zones, have hogged the media shine the past few weeks, what with Battle for Breast Cancer, and the Pope refusing to cough up one thin dime for even generic anti-baby pills. There was a glitter-bombing or two in the mix but this week the Sub-War Against the Gays appears to really be gaining steam. Of note, the Idaho state senate got together Friday to pointedly not vote for (or even DEBATE!) a measure that would have added protections based on sexual orientation and gender identity to the state’s Human Rights Act. Which means that, as we speak, Rick Santorum is down in the root cellar, wandering through the vast stores of indignation and smug contempt contained therein, and gleefully pinching off the choicest morsels. SHOULD BE A FUN WEEK for all of us, to die in, probably from bigoted dumbness. Read more on Idaho’s Gays To Be Discriminated Against, Forever…
  the cheater his wife and the holy spigot

Newt’s Campaign Is Broke And Staying That Way

Please wish our little jewelry-debt piglet a fond and prolonged farewell, Wonketteers. Used to be that a satchel of Austrian Philharmonikers, the kind sold on Fox to unwitting olds, would appear by magick on Newt’s doorstep every morning, like clockwork. Newt would then exchange these coins for goods and services — often campaign-related! — in furtherance of his (more or less) “historical novel” and home-pressed CD-ROM empire. Generally speaking, average, everyday Joe Six-Packs usually cannot afford to throw cash into an open sewer to watch a talking face mintz on stage, playing pretend with Wolf Blitzer. So Newt has had to rely on the indulgence of wealthy eccentrics for his daily sack of moneys. Unfortunately, losing every electoral contest in every conceivable way may have finally worn out the unearned generosity to which Newt has become accustomed. Read more on Newt’s Campaign Is Broke And Staying That Way…
  panderdized testing

Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’

Didn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure! Read more on Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’…
  the hard sell

Romney Actually Concerned About The Very Poor, Namely Drug Testing Them

As the undisputed loser of three crucial Republican head-on collisions this week, Mitt Romney can’t be blamed for turning his campaign into something of a fire sale. This is America, kiddos. ABC, Always Be CLOSING. Mitt is a businessman, allegedly, so he knows that if no one (literally!) is buying what you’re selling, well, it’s time to give any loony offer that comes your way a serious hearing. In practice, this means Mitt will pretend to listen to what you’re saying and — before your voice can even start lilting upward to form the question — he will already be vomiting forth his grinning assent. Anything, ANYTHING, to move the still-smoldering inventory of his presidential aspirations. Drug testing welfare recipi– “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YES WHEN DO I START!!!!” Read more on Romney Actually Concerned About The Very Poor, Namely Drug Testing Them…