Author Archives: Kaia Mursi

  asking for it

Feminazis’ Open Letter To Rush Provokes 70s-Style Conservative Backlash

Scientists may someday discover the parasite that manipulates conservative brains into vomiting up punchlines from ’70s-era “The Lighter Side Of….” cartoons whenever the word “feminist” is mentioned within a 400-yard radius. (You’ll know we’re close to a cure when John McCain, out of nowhere, starts fretting about just how much these parasite paternity lawsuits are costing the gubmint.) But, until the science is finally settled, conservatives will continue to enter a hazy and scary pre-disco fugue state in which Vietnam is still winnable whenever feminazis pen open letters to bloated women-hating AM radio deejays. More data after the jump! Read more on Feminazis’ Open Letter To Rush Provokes 70s-Style Conservative Backlash…
  the shallow north meets the deep south

GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney

How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial Alabama and Mississippi than campaigning alongside Jeff Foxworthy, the King of the Deep South according to everyone who doesn’t live there? Probably! But that’s not stopping Mitt Romney, “y’all.” Combine this endorsement with Kid Rock’s (YOW! COWBOY, BABY!), and … you have Jeff Foxworthy and Kid Rock’s endorsements. Read more on GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney…
  oh you wanted a baby with a head?

AZ Senate: Doctors Can Withhold Info That Might Make Ladies Opt For Abortion

Were you aware that the United Nations declared yesterday some sort of “International Lilith Fair/Diva Cup Festival?” We only realized this when we popped over to the Abortionplex for coffee and a quick D&C and it was closed! Bummer. Oh, well, at least we don’t have it as bad as Arizona where, oh why the hell not, legislators are moving to make expectant parenthood a fun and exciting game of Russian roulette! Read more on AZ Senate: Doctors Can Withhold Info That Might Make Ladies Opt For Abortion…
  they sure know how to title a video

Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already

Back before Joe the Plumber fell into an Internet spidy-hole and was still actually getting interviewed (granted, only by things called “Christianity Today”), America’s sweetheart let slip with some—how to put this delicately—fucking nuts comments about the “queers” and how he would never let them near his children. Ha, so heartland, right? Well, Joe recently took the opportunity to let everyone know he’s more rancid than ever! (If you were concerned.) Read more on Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already…
  some might even consider the poor wealthy

In Case You Forgot, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care About Poor People

Mitt Romney used to sort of not hate poor people, back when all the frothy-mawed rabid conservatives were looking the other way. Now, though, Mitt is pivoting like the big-shot management consultant he used to be (before he had to let himself go, for efficiency). This means the time has come for America’s underclass to start making some sacrifices, in the form of an even more stagnant minimum wage, for the political survival of their future billionaire overseer. Look, you want a job, don’t you? Read more on In Case You Forgot, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care About Poor People…
  the mouse that bored

Teabaggers To Chase Orrin Hatch Out Of Senate Next Week, For His Liberalism

Don’t be surprised to see a statement next week from six-term Utah Senator Orrin Hatch that he is leaving office “to spend more time with [his] undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber.” DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE, as Orrin’s favorite old-timey band used to say!!! Hatch is likely to be effectively drummed out of office in the state’s labyrinthine Republican nomination process, beginning with the March 15th caucuses, which teabaggers are planning to flood like a truck-stop toilet, because they want a more overtly insane senator to avoid doing the nation’s business in Washington. Read more on Teabaggers To Chase Orrin Hatch Out Of Senate Next Week, For His Liberalism…
  welcome back old friend

Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber

Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his old pal Barack, during which he will get to complain about more fictional concerns, only this time based on America’s made-up financial future! Yes, Joe the Plumber, our favorite unflushable from 2008, successfully completed the difficult transition from child star to adult entertainer, and won last night’s Republican primary in Ohio’s 9th congressional district, using the more matoor-sounding stage name “Joe Wurzelbacher.” JOE THE PLUMBER IS BACK YAY FOR POLITICS! Read more on Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber…
  jawboning

Fox News: Obama Could Lower Gas Prices Now If He Wanted, Unlike Bush

George W. Bush wasn’t doing much of anything in 2008, having pretty much checked himself out of “administrative duties” sometime in late 2006. One of the things Bush was definitely not doing as he rode out his term was bringing down the cost of gas! And the Fox News of 2008 rushed to defend his inaction, calmly reassuring their as-yet unhinged pre-Tea Party audience that, duh, obviously the president just can’t up and lower gas prices, ONLY THE INVISIBLE HAND CAN. But what would happen if you swapped out “Bush” for “Obama”? Would it shock you to learn that everything at Fox would go all topsy-turvy? Read more on Fox News: Obama Could Lower Gas Prices Now If He Wanted, Unlike Bush…
  ladies who are lunching

Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’

The students at Southern Methodist University must have played a uniquely terrible prank on some crusty old dean, to be punished with an on-campus “daylong conference on the influence of the nation’s first ladies.” Only in Texas could this be considered not “cruel and unusual.” So let this be a liberal snob indoctrination to you, kids: don’t get caught next time, and you won’t have to deal with Barbara Bush, Sr., and her daughter-in-law Girl With Faraway Eyes Laura Bush, and their ward, beloved former national fuck-up George W. Bush, griping at you about a White House mattress that was so uncomfortable they had to send it back! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Well, on the bright side, at least the students unlucky enough to attend got to hear Babs trash some non-destitute people for a change, when she took the opportunity to call the 2012 GOP primary “the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life.” Read more on Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’…
  clear simple and wrong

‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception

What an adventure did a random National Review Editorial Associate get himself into! Gather ’round, ye hobos, and hear his tale of daring… subterfuge… and rubber procurement! (Drop acid now.) It all began when a dazed but persistent carrier pigeon alighted upon the curlicued fountain pen of our Editorial Associate, to finally vomit forth the message it had accidentally swallowed in 1971, during the John V. Lindsay administration, if you young bloods can remember that far back in New York City history. Upon unfolding the still damp note, the Associate was immediately and providentially hepped to the existence of an important and scary thing that had, quick reminder, BEEN OPERATIONAL FOR 40 YEARS ALREADY: a free condom campaign deviously underwritten by the City of New York’s sexed-up bureaucrats. Swift corrective action was clearly needed, STAT! Read more on ‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception…
  kenyan politics

Alaskan Idiot: Obama Is Of ‘Mulatto Race,’ Thus Not Eligible For Presidency

Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly — of the PO Box 34358, Juneau, Alaska Epperlies — can expect a lengthy and almost certainly inappropriate phone call from pearlescent loony Orly Taitz, and maybe, too, an honorary DDS/JD she will print on discontinued “Certificate of Participation” cardstock from the Office Depot. What in blazes for, you may ask. It’s because Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood, using our liberal activist court system, naturally. Whereas Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, settled for making up some nonsense about Obama not being born on real American soil to real American parents, Epperly is straight-up skipping that bit of politesse, to crow in the general direction of the Alaska State Division of Elections, “BUNK THAT! THAT PRESIDENT IS NOT WHITE, Y’ALL!!!” Read more on Alaskan Idiot: Obama Is Of ‘Mulatto Race,’ Thus Not Eligible For Presidency…
  uncomfortable truths

Mitt Romney: I’m Not A NASCAR Buff, Just Friends With ‘Team Owners’

Richie Rich over here just cannot stop reminding everyone that he’s a special and obscenely wealthy snowflake. Mitt won’t be watching the Daytona 500, if it ever happens, ’cause he’s not a huge racing fan but HAHAHA some of his best friends do own racing teams, he quickly jostles to add for some damn reason. Could these team owners maybe get M.I.T.T. a new pit crew, to do a little much needed maintenance, oh, and maybe also to ‘accidentally’ disable the vocal apparatus? That would be really friendly of them! Read more on Mitt Romney: I’m Not A NASCAR Buff, Just Friends With ‘Team Owners’…
  women be stoppin'

GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill

Dave Albo is a Republican in the Virginia House of Delegates whose wife decided against sexing him — in flagrante delicto, apparently! — once she heard, on the teevee news accompanying their intercourse, about the creepy transvaginal ultrasound bill Dave’s party was pushing last week. Thanks to Wonkette commenter “UnholyMoses,” we can all enjoy Albo’s first-person account of the unexpected interruptus of his coitus. Read more on GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill…
  guynecological issues

Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts

Oh, look, jocular bigot Pat Buchanan is using the 16 hours a day he used to spend shouting about the white man’s burden on MSNBC to call in to Washington Journal, a group therapy program televised by C-SPAN. Taking the break-up a bit hard, aren’t you, Pat? Hahah– Wait, what? He’s actually an invited guest? In 2012, A.D.? Read more on Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts…
  say anything

Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence

Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say? Read more on Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence…