Kaia Mursi
Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People
Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of [...]
Feminazis’ Open Letter To Rush Provokes 70s-Style Conservative Backlash
Scientists may someday discover the parasite that manipulates conservative brains into vomiting up punchlines from ’70s-era “The Lighter Side Of….” cartoons whenever the word “feminist” is mentioned within a 400-yard radius. (You’ll know we’re close to a cure when John McCain, out of nowhere, starts fretting about just how much these parasite paternity lawsuits are [...]
GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney
How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial Alabama and Mississippi than campaigning alongside Jeff Foxworthy, the King of the Deep South according to [...]
AZ Senate: Doctors Can Withhold Info That Might Make Ladies Opt For Abortion
Were you aware that the United Nations declared yesterday some sort of “International Lilith Fair/Diva Cup Festival?” We only realized this when we popped over to the Abortionplex for coffee and a quick D&C and it was closed! Bummer. Oh, well, at least we don’t have it as bad as Arizona where, oh why the [...]
Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already
Back before Joe the Plumber fell into an Internet spidy-hole and was still actually getting interviewed (granted, only by things called “Christianity Today”), America’s sweetheart let slip with some—how to put this delicately—fucking nuts comments about the “queers” and how he would never let them near his children. Ha, so heartland, right? Well, Joe recently [...]
In Case You Forgot, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care About Poor People
Mitt Romney used to sort of not hate poor people, back when all the frothy-mawed rabid conservatives were looking the other way. Now, though, Mitt is pivoting like the big-shot management consultant he used to be (before he had to let himself go, for efficiency). This means the time has come for America’s underclass to [...]
Teabaggers To Chase Orrin Hatch Out Of Senate Next Week, For His Liberalism
Don’t be surprised to see a statement next week from six-term Utah Senator Orrin Hatch that he is leaving office “to spend more time with [his] undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber.” DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE, as Orrin’s favorite old-timey band used to say!!! Hatch is likely to be effectively drummed out of office in the state’s [...]
Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber
Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his [...]
Millionairess Ann Romney Somehow Doesn’t Consider Herself ‘Wealthy’
Ann Romney seems like a harmless enough nice lady but maybe, like Mitt, she should stay at least 500 feet away from the word “wealthy,” for the rest of the year. [YouTube]
‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception
What an adventure did a random National Review Editorial Associate get himself into! Gather ’round, ye hobos, and hear his tale of daring… subterfuge… and rubber procurement! (Drop acid now.) It all began when a dazed but persistent carrier pigeon alighted upon the curlicued fountain pen of our Editorial Associate, to finally vomit forth the [...]
Mitt Romney: I’m Not A NASCAR Buff, Just Friends With ‘Team Owners’
Richie Rich over here just cannot stop reminding everyone that he’s a special and obscenely wealthy snowflake. Mitt won’t be watching the Daytona 500, if it ever happens, ’cause he’s not a huge racing fan but HAHAHA some of his best friends do own racing teams, he quickly jostles to add for some damn reason. [...]
GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill
Dave Albo is a Republican in the Virginia House of Delegates whose wife decided against sexing him — in flagrante delicto, apparently! — once she heard, on the teevee news accompanying their intercourse, about the creepy transvaginal ultrasound bill Dave’s party was pushing last week. Thanks to Wonkette commenter “UnholyMoses,” we can all enjoy Albo’s [...]
blog advertising is good for you
