Author Archives: Kaia Mursi

  the polls never close

Your Wonkette Concedes Nothing, Never: Part 2 Of A Drunk And Getting Drunker Liveblog

After at least seven voter “outreaches” apiece from all 37 FEC-registered presidential campaigns, your humble Wonkette team is ready to keep spreading the Good News, right up til the networks drag the last formaldehyde-reeking pundit out of storage. (Laura Ingraham was just on-air so it shouldn’t be too much longer actually.) Shit’s getting real, y’all! Read more on Your Wonkette Concedes Nothing, Never: Part 2 Of A Drunk And Getting Drunker Liveblog…
  in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did! Read more on Ann Romney Still Horrible…
  jefferson davis starship

GOP Convention’s ‘We Built It!’ Theme Night To Be Held In Arena That Government Built

In addition to summoning forth dread hurricanes to (probably) destroy any Florida seniors accidentally left standing in the wake of Paul Ryan’s spending cuts, this year’s GOP convention will bring to Tampa (and viewers whose remote controls are just out of reach) a terribly droll spin on President Obama’s recent musings re: whether or not you built that. (Stage-whispered hint: HE HAS HIS DOUBTS.) The just-announced theme for the Tuesday Night Republican Club: “We Built It!” Yup. That’s about what they’re going with, looks like. But did they? Build “It”? Read more on GOP Convention’s ‘We Built It!’ Theme Night To Be Held In Arena That Government Built…
  cash rules everything around mitt

Mitt Romney vs. Most Black People

Not valid as legal tender for free stuff.
BIG NEWS ALERT FROM JOURNALISM, GUYS! Reports are coming in Fast and Furious that Mitt Romney, over the course of a mere 24 hours, kind of just single-handedly torched to cinders any and all of the minor gains Republicans might have recently made among non-“Heartland” Americans. (Single-handedly torching things to cinders is the Bain way, after all!) The Romney campaign, fresh off a, well, received speech to the annual NAACP convention, is now being accused of sneaking outside blacks in to the event (like you do with Reese’s Pieces and bottom-shelf hooch), in order to fake some kind of groundswell of African-American support. Oh, and then, in one of those quiet rooms he’s so fond of, the candidate himself went shooting off to donors about the impudent and boisterous non-Mitt Romney-approved blacks at the NAACP, who “should vote for the other guy” if they just want free government goodies/health insurance. All the juicy, sexy, newsy details after the jump! Read more on Mitt Romney vs. Most Black People…
  provide me services

Nation Opens Hearts, Wallets To Console Mitt Romney On SCOTUS Upholding His Health Plan

The summary un-upholding of Obamacare was the conservative wet dream. So what happens to a rage boner deferred, exactly? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or does it log on to mittromney.com for the sweet release of spending Obama away? Mitt’s next FEC filing will show the latter to indubitably be the case! Read more on Nation Opens Hearts, Wallets To Console Mitt Romney On SCOTUS Upholding His Health Plan…
  conformity's stalwart defender

Mitt Romney Is Sorry If He Hurt You When He Went Too Far

Mitt Romney is willing to put up with a lot of crap to get his hands on the presidency he (believes he) so richly deserves. The unfiltered contempt of his fellow conservatives, for example! The indignity of being colonoscopied on-air by specially selected wigs from the Fox News Collection. The dog-and-Missouri-Fox-Trotter show of election by his inferiors, even. But the one thing Mitt Romney will never, not never, put up with is the brazen and flamboyant flambuoyancy of effeminate boys who try to ram their Veronica Lake hairdos down his throat. It doesn’t matter if the gays are attempting to walk down the aisle of a charming one-room Unitarian church or if they’re attempting to help him win an unwinnable election or if they’re, oh, just trying to attend the ritzy Cranbrook School with Mitt, circa 1965. No in Case 1, no in Case 2, and H-E-double hockeysticks NO in Case 3. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Sorry If He Hurt You When He Went Too Far…
  how to talk dirty and influence people

Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care

Casually loathed industrialist Mitt Romney and his wife Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five middle-aged men, recently allowed the soothing but cunning Diane Sawyer unfettered access to the Romney home, raw and uncut, so that Mitt could remind the American public, again, of why they’re still not that into Mitt Romney. Okay, presumably that wasn’t really Mitt’s intention but that’s how this most recent charm offensive went down. For example, Mitt thought to win our favor by making believe that dinner table banter at the Romney household used to involve “humor of one kind or another, most of which can’t be repeated on the air.” And, indeed, how easy it is to picture Mitt and Ann, their cheeks bulging with Skoal, cracking open a couple more Miller Lites and chortling bodily as the young Tagg and Dack take turns imitating their favorite Lenny Bruce bits. That probably actually happened, in an undiscovered painting by Dalí that the artist thought a touch too surreal and tucked away at his summer place on Neptune. But the most sordid revelation (with some actual believability) was Mitt’s admission–revolutionary, for a Republican presidential candidate in 2012–that legislation passed by the Congress may actually reflect the will of the “American public,” so long as that legislation lets Romney keep his tax returns, dodgily, leagues from any hint of public scrutiny. Read more on Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care…
  cyberbullying

Allen West Will Fake-Execute You If You Question His Devotion To Ryan Budget

Oh, good heavens, what has powerful nutball Allen West gotten himself into today? Something insane? Something creepy, perhaps? ALL OF THEM. Representative West, an actual elected official with hands on the levers of government, loves fellow representative Paul Ryan’s proposed budget plan SO FUCKING MUCH that even questioning that love is a “suicide mission” that may give you permanent deadness. Which, what? We could understand getting intemperately het up about Paul Ryan’s very serious and dreamy Jimmy Stewart-blue eyes, as this is a condition an estimated 76 percent of media personalities suffer from. But the budget plan itself? Uhhhh, why don’t you go ahead and put it back in your pants, Congressman? Read more on Allen West Will Fake-Execute You If You Question His Devotion To Ryan Budget…
  john bolton is so proud right now

Congratulations, Everyone: America Now A Country That Requires ‘UN Monitoring’ To Function

Contrary to what weekend marathons of “Lockup: RAW!” would have you believe, prison is not just a hep and happenin’ place to meet the future same-sex lover you will eventually abandon once your bid is up. It is, in fact, a rather unpleasant place to spend one’s time, scientician research has shown, especially when all of your time ends up being in solitary confinement for, oh, like decades at a stretch. In America, where “cruel and unusual punishment” is a cornerstone of our governing Articles of Confederation, solitary confinement is widely considered salutary for the small-c constitution. In other countries, though, whose Big-C Constitutions don’t even contain the phrase “cruel and unusual punishment,” indeterminate stretches of isolation from other life forms are frowned upon, on prissy humanitarian grounds. So now our more fragile and delicate indefinite detainees in California are actually begging non-Americans to come and save them from their countrymen. Wipe that tear from your eagle’s eye and join us after the jump. Read more on Congratulations, Everyone: America Now A Country That Requires ‘UN Monitoring’ To Function…
  get drunk before and after

Go Party With RNC Chairman Reince Priebus WEDNESDAY! (UPDATED)

UPDATE: This event is actually on WEDNESDAY, people familiar with the Gregorian calendar inform us. SO, uh, there’s still time! If the funeral you were planning to attend tonight Wednesday has been unexpectedly postponed, won’t you join RNC Chairman Reince Priebus at his 40th Birthday Party/Fundraiser, in the Nation’s Capital? Priebus and buds are holding a “Pints with Reince” event, which looks to be one in a series of events that helpfully misdirect any attempts at correctly pronouncing the Chairman’s name. (Have we been mispronouncing “pints” all this time? Or does “Reince” actually rhyme with “pints?” And how funny is it that Twitter people have figured out “Reince Priebus” minus all the vowels is “RNC PR BS,” in that exact order!) Anyway, if you have $40 burning a hole in your wall safe ($500 if you want actual pints!), you can spend the evening trading bon mots and head lice with Governor Scott Walker, Senator Ron Johnson, and Congressmen Sean Duffy, Paul Ryan, Reid Ribble, Tom Petri, and Jim Sensenbrenner. Dress is “Boat Shoe-Solemn.” [GOP; Facebook] Read more on Go Party With RNC Chairman Reince Priebus WEDNESDAY! (UPDATED)…
  everything must go

Virginia Selling Off Naming Rights To Roads, Bridges For Pennies On The Dollar

Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year. So now the esteemed legislators of the Commonwealth have decided that pawning off its roads and bridges for a few shekels is just the ticket for shaking off the state’s recent well-earned national ridicule. Yes, beginning July 1st, anyone with a certified check between $5,000 and $200,000 can rename any Virginian road or bridge, thereby allowing lawmakers to avoid the pesky political problem of asking voters to pay taxes so their roads don’t dissolve into the Earth. Because what are we, GAY ROMANS? Read more on Virginia Selling Off Naming Rights To Roads, Bridges For Pennies On The Dollar…
  and then there's fox

Fox News Not Really Interested In Reporting On Shooting Deaths Of Unarmed Black Teenagers

Fox News can generally be relied upon for a steady stream of artlessly jingoistic vomit, spewing forth from helmet-headed hairspray sacks who move their lips while reading important reports on hurricanes and other outrages against Heartland (= white, irrespective of actual location) America. What Fox usually fails at, though, is reporting on outrages against Urban (= black, etc.) America. (Kenneth Gladney excepted!) The latest such outrage to receive Fox News’ patented bitchy silent treatment is the unprovoked shooting death of Trayvon Martin, a black teenager who found himself in the wrong Florida neighborhood (you know, where his father lived), being hunted like prey — ALLEGEDLY but also PROBABLY — by a local paranoiac vigilante known for being “fixated on crime and focused on young, black males.” Hmm, that description… kind of sounds like every Fox scare-segment ever? Read more on Fox News Not Really Interested In Reporting On Shooting Deaths Of Unarmed Black Teenagers…
  mcabortion

Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People

Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of the more comical subsections (which Obama probably buried on p. 61803399) will bring a modern, funky sensibility to modern medicine by offering consumer-patients Value Menu-pricing on…. abortions. This makes sense, because…. ??? Well, we tried taking mushrooms and then wandering into the forest, to see what answers Gaia could offer up. None were forthcoming. Read more on Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People…