Kaia Mursi
Mitt Romney is willing to put up with a lot of crap to get his hands on the presidency he (believes he) so richly deserves. The unfiltered contempt of his fellow conservatives, for example! The indignity of being colonoscopied on-air by specially selected wigs from the Fox News Collection. The dog-and-Missouri-Fox-Trotter show of election by [...]
April 17, 2012
Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care
Casually loathed industrialist Mitt Romney and his wife Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five middle-aged men, recently allowed the soothing but cunning Diane Sawyer unfettered access to the Romney home, raw and uncut, so that Mitt could remind the American public, again, of why they’re still not that into Mitt Romney. Okay, presumably that wasn’t [...]
March 22, 2012
Congratulations, Everyone: America Now A Country That Requires ‘UN Monitoring’ To Function
Contrary to what weekend marathons of “Lockup: RAW!” would have you believe, prison is not just a hep and happenin’ place to meet the future same-sex lover you will eventually abandon once your bid is up. It is, in fact, a rather unpleasant place to spend one’s time, scientician research has shown, especially when all [...]
March 20, 2012
Go Party With RNC Chairman Reince Priebus WEDNESDAY! (UPDATED)
UPDATE: This event is actually on WEDNESDAY, people familiar with the Gregorian calendar inform us. SO, uh, there’s still time! If the funeral you were planning to attend tonight Wednesday has been unexpectedly postponed, won’t you join RNC Chairman Reince Priebus at his 40th Birthday Party/Fundraiser, in the Nation’s Capital? Priebus and buds are holding [...]
March 20, 2012
Virginia Selling Off Naming Rights To Roads, Bridges For Pennies On The Dollar
Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year. So now the esteemed legislators of the Commonwealth have decided that pawning off its roads and bridges for a few shekels is just the ticket for shaking [...]
March 19, 2012
Fox News Not Really Interested In Reporting On Shooting Deaths Of Unarmed Black Teenagers
Fox News can generally be relied upon for a steady stream of artlessly jingoistic vomit, spewing forth from helmet-headed hairspray sacks who move their lips while reading important reports on hurricanes and other outrages against Heartland (= white, irrespective of actual location) America. What Fox usually fails at, though, is reporting on outrages against Urban [...]
Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of [...]
Scientists may someday discover the parasite that manipulates conservative brains into vomiting up punchlines from ’70s-era “The Lighter Side Of….” cartoons whenever the word “feminist” is mentioned within a 400-yard radius. (You’ll know we’re close to a cure when John McCain, out of nowhere, starts fretting about just how much these parasite paternity lawsuits are [...]
March 12, 2012
GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney
How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial Alabama and Mississippi than campaigning alongside Jeff Foxworthy, the King of the Deep South according to [...]
March 9, 2012
AZ Senate: Doctors Can Withhold Info That Might Make Ladies Opt For Abortion
Were you aware that the United Nations declared yesterday some sort of “International Lilith Fair/Diva Cup Festival?” We only realized this when we popped over to the Abortionplex for coffee and a quick D&C and it was closed! Bummer. Oh, well, at least we don’t have it as bad as Arizona where, oh why the [...]
March 8, 2012
Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already
Back before Joe the Plumber fell into an Internet spidy-hole and was still actually getting interviewed (granted, only by things called “Christianity Today”), America’s sweetheart let slip with some—how to put this delicately—fucking nuts comments about the “queers” and how he would never let them near his children. Ha, so heartland, right? Well, Joe recently [...]
March 8, 2012
In Case You Forgot, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care About Poor People
Mitt Romney used to sort of not hate poor people, back when all the frothy-mawed rabid conservatives were looking the other way. Now, though, Mitt is pivoting like the big-shot management consultant he used to be (before he had to let himself go, for efficiency). This means the time has come for America’s underclass to [...]
