* Georgetown public library burns down. [DCist]
* Eastern Market burns down. [Mr. T in DC]
* “Murder- Suicide” burns Congress Heights. [Read Express]
* About those painted television sets thrown around town… [007 in Africa]
* “a neighborhood resident was attacked by seven teenage males at 10th and O Streets. The victim sustained some slight head injuries as the assailants punched the victim, but is otherwise OK physically.” [remaking le slum historique]

Time has come to once again bid Wonkette’s most excellent readership farewell. Ken Layne will be back at his post tomorrow–tanned, rested, and with a damn-near frictionless alimentary canal that smells like a cake shop. Very sorry we weren’t able to bear witness to either Wolfowitz or Gonzalez walking the plank, but we can take solace in the fact that the longer it goes on the less fun they’ll both have. We’ll always have Randall Tobias. MORE »

Just another day in Utah: Utah County Republicans were “unable to take official action” on the immigration issue at their own State Convention “because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the pleadings of party officials.” MORE »

Over at the Washington Post, they have a mapping feature that will keep you apprised of when any of the many useless candidates for President will be coming to your town. That way, you’ll have plenty of advance warning to pack up and evacuate loved ones, making the unholy, highway-clogging bloodbaths of previous election cycles, sadly, things of the past. As you can see, they’ve even included Mike Gravel and Jim Gilmore, giving their supporters vital evidence that they are, in fact, running. MORE »

As a service to Wonkette readers, we boil down the press release from DC Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey (on which she misspells her own name) to what’s really necessary. MORE »

This afternoon, a fire broke out in the Georgetown Branch of the DC Public Library. This is one of the DC libraries from which Sandy Berger has not removed documents by spiriting them away in his socks. It’s also not the building that a rogue Circulator bus attempted to whack a couple of weeks ago. It is not yet known precisely how many White House emails were lost in the blaze. MORE »

In what we gather constitutes “news”, at least for the Brisbane Times, Hillary Clinton is said to be dropping her maiden name from campaign materials as she seeks the Democratic nomination. No one knows for certain whether this gambit will pay the dividends that dropping Chris Lehane from one’s campaign staff have historically yielded, but who knows. MORE »

Hey, America, it’s time to celebrate Tax Freedom Day. But hold on, now–in truth, you aren’t any freer today than you were yesterday. Let’s not get crazy! Tax Freedom Day is merely the day by which the average taxpayer has earned enough money to pay next year’s tax burden. Basically, it’s a day for heroic jerks who like to imagine how great the world would be if the DMV was run by AOL Time Warner to get together and bitch, bitch, bitch about living in this great country of ours. MORE »

On a daily basis, Wonkette gets a whole host of emails, many of which are precious and adorable in the way they try to get us to care about things that are important to people. Today we received one such missive from Michael Connelly, a supporter of Mike Gravel. Remember him? Only last week we discovered he existed and is apparently running for President or something! MORE »

Our network of operatives are always watching. One such tipster offers a little background into Randall Tobias’ past:

The resignation of Deputy Secretary of State Randy Tobias, for being a client of a DC escort service, came as no surprise to me. Randy was a department head in Marketing at AT&T in the early 80’s and we worked together. It was common knowledge at the time that he was a womanizer. One day we had a new female member of our project team and I was quietly told that until recently she had been a secretary. Randy had promoted her to so she could accompany him on business trips.

MORE »

Over the weekend, activists in Atlanta took their message To The Streets(TM), using the awesome power of tens of candles to send a clear message to America that something something oh, yeah, maybe impeach the President, something, something. This impressed the Atlanta Progressive News terribly. They’ll all remember where they were the day some people arranged some candles! NEVER FORGET!(R) MORE »

Because a significant portion of our readership demands it, here’s some funny video of Michelle Bachmann walking with a cane. In the video, Bachmann flashes her crazy eyes only briefly, and confines her sexual assaulting to some light frottage with a couple that seems pretty into it. But she walks with a CANE! HILARIOUS! MORE »

So, after we had had signed off on Friday to go talk over the day’s events with some vodka, it apparently came to light that Randall L. Tobias’ awfully suspicious retirement was awfully suspicious for good reason–he was up to his chin in Central American call-girls, courtesy of the one-day-will-tell-all DC madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey. This should have been apparent–no one just retires by choice. Right now, if you are working for the administration in any capacity it’s either because your Regent University degrees make you unemployable in any other field of endeavor or the family you’d otherwise be spending more time with are so nigh on despicable that it makes whoring around while working for an administration whose approval ratings you can count on used birthday candles seem life affirming by comparison. MORE »