* Have you heard about Microsoft’s new strategy? “Microsoft Corp. has a strategy to win over a whole new generation of consumers and his name is Fergie Fudgehog.” The flaw in this strategy is sort of hard to divine, unless you…say, READ THAT SENTENCE OUT LOUD. [Washington Post]
* Will the South Dakota abortion ban exempt women impregnated by aliens? Nobody knows, but the prospect allows for some awesome sci-fi synergy for Bill Napoli’s sociopathic rape fantasies. And that’s your official Wonkette “Bill Napoli is one sick fuck” Reminder for Wednesday, March 15! [The Bad Reporter@SFGate]
* Condoleezza Rice gets in some practice reps. [Perez Hilton]
* Even Chris Matthews’ conflicts-of-interests are lame. [Attytood]
* Jeez. Everyone over in the Brokeback Mountain camp needs to calm down. They give out awards to stuff far junkier and shaft films that are much better. Forest Gump? Marisa Tomei? Besides, everyone KNOWS that the real Best Picture wins Best Screenplay. [The Greensborian]

* People. Please go vote in the second bracket for the DC Anthem. Otherwise, The Magnetic Fields’ “Washington, DC” will win. And that’s like the TERRORISTS winning. Because Stephin Merritt is the most ginormous asshole in indie rock history. You can prevent this atrocity. [DCist]
* Hooray. The Nationals get to keep their dull as dishwater name. Can I get a “Feh?” [Washington Examiner]
* Apparently, there’s a movement afoot from Crystal City property owners to

Well, my peeps. The time has come for us to part. Your regularly scheduled Wonkette team returns tomorrow. It’s always a unique pleasure to spread a little sunshine on these pages. Thanks all around are due to David and Lockhart and O.G. Ana and the Unstoppable Henry Seltzer and, of course, all the great Wonkette Operatives out there who bring reports from all over the world to the tipsbox. Most of all, a shout-out to Alex Pareene, with whom it was a distinct pleasure to work with over the past six days. MORE »

On any other day, we’d be applauding The Note for contributing something strained and unintelligible to our discourse. Something like this superlative disaster: MORE »

Our gossip-obsessed sister reports today that the Times Magazine is copping to inadvertently altering a picture of former Virginia governor Mark Warner: “The jacket was charcoal, not maroon; the shirt was light blue, not pink; the tie was dark blue with stripes, not maroon.” In other words, Warner was clad in his inside-the-beltway dullest. We get it. MORE »

The reasoning of John Hinderaker–which we’d charitably describe as protean–was on full display this past weekend on CNN’s Reliable Sources: MORE »

It’s a good thing that we get to enjoy the pony that’s been hidden in slavery, because for the people of Mississippi, it could be a long time before they get to enjoy anything hidden in their vaginas. MORE »

Surely this can be fun for our most enterprising operatives. We get you started, after the jump:

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Good morning Senators Clinton, Schumer. What’s up Mr. Biden? How’re my dawgs at the DLC holdin’ it down this morning? Say, guys, if you are wondering where those dark stains you found in your britches this morning came from, we’re here to help. At about five past eleven last night, The Daily Show’s Ed Helms tore out a new hole in your asses. MORE »

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* Steak and Blowjob Day is already 3/4’s of the way finished, but the night is young, DC. The night is young. [Circle V]
* “Lust stalks you like a beast, attacking at every opportunity, attempting to poison your life with its self-centered cravings.” Gah. We wish. [BreakawayMag]
* What have you done today for the cause? [Tomatoes Are Delicious]
* The Gawker Stalker Map, powered by Google, and bringing it’s double true goodness to a city near you. [Gawker]