Author Archives: Jesse Taylor

  you just got trumped

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama. He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow. What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it. Read more on October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)…
  donald trump loves divorce guys

Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce

We revealed earlier that Donald Trump will probably tell us all that Barack Obama was the Kenyan Ricky Ross tomorrow, but there is a second, equally credible bombshell that Donald Trump will also probably embarrassingly reveal to absolutely no impact tomorrow: the Obamas once considered divorcing. With his trademarked humility and circumspection, Donald Trump recently boasted he’s about to announce huge news about President Obama, and one rumor has already been reported: “Douglas Kass, a Florida-based investor who appears on CNBC’s talkshow ‘Squawkbox’ where Trump is often a commentator, tweeted to his 48,000 followers: ’High above the Alps my Gnome has heard that Donald Trump will announce that he has unearthed divorce papers between the Prez and his wife.’” Read more on Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce…
  mother schmucker

Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening

You will remember 2008, yes? When “Joe the Plumber” seized the nation’s imagination and served as the nation’s templar for our hopes that there was a secret groundswell of angry anti-Obama voters who would make the race close and give reporters something exciting to cover on Election Night? And then how none of that happened and McCain lost in ignominy and Sarah Palin was not our first hot lady Vice President? Well, Joey the Biden went back to Toledo (where Joe the Plumber is completely failing to run for elected office), and was confronted by an eater at a restaurant who TOTALLY OWNED HIM and maybe that means that Ohio is close and Obama won’t win maybe? Read more on Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening…
  it takes a panel of dozens to act like hacks

Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues

Fox News once again hired ruddy shitmonster Frank Luntz to convene a panel of undecided voters who watch Fox News (read: Romney voters who want to be on Fox News). There is video (as the kids are saying, “after the fold”). Fox Nation describes this as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Near Brawl,” but it comes off more as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Backbiting Fuck-Tussle.” Read more on Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues…
  the protocrowleys of the elders of CNN

Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy

Follow along, libtards, as some guy on the internet blows your whole world up. Last week’s town hall debate was notable for many things – Romney trying to bumrush Obama like eighteen times, Obama not falling asleep five minutes in, and Candy Crowley sort of correcting Mitt Romney by shooting him right in his stupid face. But surely there is an explanation besides “Mitt was completely wrong” for why Crowley dared stand up to America’s Next President? Duh. A blogger at something called “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” (they LUV Andy Breitbart!) has compiled an exhaustive breakdown of exactly how Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds and therefore lose him every swing state. Read more on Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy…
  take a peakey at leakey

Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church

Teeny-tiny little “non-denominational” (FUCKIN’ CHRISTIAN, BOY) Church in the Valley of Leakey, Texas, has a new sign up welcoming everyone but Barack Obama. The sign reads, “Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim! The capitalist, not the communist!” That marquee standing outside a non-denominational church has become the talk of the town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio. The Church in the Valley is run by Pastor Ray Miller. Miller declined an interview but did say the sign was solely his idea. He said he changes the sign weekly and this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed. The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself. Yes, in that it says, quite loudly, “I do not want my tax exemption any more and am also a terrible dinner companion.” Read more on Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church…
  sic semper tucker's anus

America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley

There has been, perhaps, no transgression in American debate history worse than when, in the middle of Tuesday’s townhall debate, Candy Crowley swung from the rafters and literally probably shot Mitt Romney in the back of the head by correcting him, according to Tucker Carlson. Read more on America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley…
  but i kept my swingline stapler

Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama

Recently, numerous big Republican employers who’ve done incredibly well over the past four years have started to threaten their employees with layoffs if Barack Obama is reelected, because they’d logically give up billions of dollars to spite a black dude. Whether with chain letters, “voter information packets,” or just straight-up office e-mail blasts, conservative employers are all of a sudden super freaked out about the dire consequences of not electing empty shell corporation Mitt Romney. Why, though? Well, maybe because of how, during a call with the National Federation of Independent Businesses (skip to 26:44), Mittens von Glovenstein asked them to! Read more on Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama…
  good goshy benghazi

Candy Crowley Did, But Didn’t, But Actually Did Back Down From Correcting Mittens On Libya

Last night, human dishonesty machine Mitt Romney lied about Barack Obama not calling the attack on the Benghazi consulate an “act of terror” for fourteen days. Candy Crowley (or CanCrow, as the kids call her) corrected Mitt, because he was gloriously, spectacularly wrong. ROMNEY: I want to make sure we get that for the record because it took the president 14 days before he called the attack in Benghazi an act of terror. OBAMA: Get the transcript. CROWLEY: It — it — it — he did in fact, sir. So let me — let me call it an act of terror… OBAMA: Can you say that a little louder, Candy? CROWLEY: He — he did call it an act of terror. It did as well take — it did as well take two weeks or so for the whole idea there being a riot out there about this tape to come out. You are correct about that. BOOM, MAN WHOSE NAME IS A CLOTHING ACCESSORY FOR HANDS. Mitt pretty much ganked a talking point from every dumb conservative blogger on the internet without checking it (including the Internet’s Dumbest Man and Woman, Jim Hoft and Michelle Malkin). If he had, he would have realized that Obama called Benghazi an “act of terror” the very next day after it happened, then again the day after in Colorado just in case motherfuckers weren’t listening. Here’s the problem, though: CanCrow is arguing that Mitt was “right in the main” about Libya because, er, the Obama administration said it was an “act of terror” motivated by a movie rather than by evil black terror hearts or whatever actually causes terrorism. (Video below the fold.) Read more on Candy Crowley Did, But Didn’t, But Actually Did Back Down From Correcting Mittens On Libya…
  mind the gap

Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life

There’s a conspiracy afoot, kid detectives! After the debate, the networks posted “transcripts” of the debate. “What’s a transcript?” your dumb friend might ask. Well, a transcript is when someone writes down everything people said and then you cite from it on the internet! Well, Fox News “transcribed” the debate last night, but there was a mysterious four minute audio gap. Read more on Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life…
  make em say vote nah nah nah nah

‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It

Hello, nerds! Rebecca and I are ready and set to get up in this debate shit, on the real. Tonight is the most important night of Barack Obama’s life, in that he should just straight slam Five Hour Energy and then leap around onstage like he will seriously Seal Team Six the fuck out of Romney’s shit. I am liveblogging from Gooeyz on the Ohio State University campus, courtesy of the Franklin County Young Democrats. Rebecca is blogging from a velvet couch while smoking a cigarette out of a long black holder. 8:38 PM: I have not seen a group of people this white sit in a space this small since that group of college kids piled in that Land Rover at Hilton Head. Read more on ‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It…
  2012: D'Souza's America

Why Won’t Feminists Stop Destroying Marriage, Asks Dinesh D’Souza’s Extra Fiancée

Before we begin this post, let’s be honest: who wouldn’t want this piece of Hayekian sausage tossed down their meat hallway? NOBODY. (I’m sorry, that was disgusting. He’s obviously toting hot Burkean bratwurst.) Dinesh D’Sousa d’irected 2016: Obama’s America, a wonderful little docudrama about how Dinesh D’Souza is a giant fucking racist. He has a long career of saying completely odious things about Barack Obama in particular, because he is a hateful little man with a chewed-up baseball head. He is also a giant goddamn cheater. D’Souza’s speech earned him a standing ovation and a long line at the book-signing table immediately afterward. Although D’Souza has been married for 20 years to his wife, Dixie, in South Carolina he was with a young woman, Denise Odie Joseph II, and introduced her to at least three people as his fiancée. Finally, near 11 p.m., event organizer Tony Beam escorted D’Souza and Joseph to the nearby Comfort Suites. Beam noted that they checked in together and were apparently sharing a room for the night in the sold-out hotel. The next morning, around 6 a.m., Beam arrived back at the hotel and called up to D’Souza’s room. “We’ll be down in 10 minutes,” D’Souza told Beam. D’Souza and Joseph came down together, and Beam took them to the airport. Read more on Why Won’t Feminists Stop Destroying Marriage, Asks Dinesh D’Souza’s Extra Fiancée…
  being a man finally pays off for obama

Abusive Ogre Barack Obama Forces Hillary Clinton Into Taking Responsibility For Her Department

The Secretary of State is responsible for diplomatic security. The president is responsible for the Secretary of State. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton, who is the Secretary of State and incidentally the most powerful woman in the world, took responsibility for diplomatic security in Benghazi, where four Americans were killed. “I take responsibility,” Clinton told CNN in an interview while on a visit to Peru. “I’m in charge of the State Department’s 60,000-plus people all over the world, 275 posts. The president and the vice president wouldn’t be knowledgeable about specific decisions that are made by security professionals. They’re the ones who weigh all of the threats and the risks and the needs and make a considered decision.” A cynical person would think that Hillary Clinton took responsibility to take pressure off of Obama before the election. A realistic person would say both that Clinton’s statement is largely true, that the cynical person’s thoughts are somewhat true, and also consider the timing. Jennifer Rubin, however, has decided that Hillary Clinton took responsibility because she’s a penis-whipped shit sundae who’s not a real woman. Delicate lady-flowers should not be forced to take responsibility for the departments they run, because real men should stand up and do it for them. If that is not feminism, what is? Read more on Abusive Ogre Barack Obama Forces Hillary Clinton Into Taking Responsibility For Her Department…
  first they came for the racists

Not-Racist Shopkeeper: Obama Is An Ooga-Booga Witch Doctor Negro

It is hard in America for non-racists. The range of free expression such people have is incredibly limited by actually racist anti-racists who want to read racism in every fucking little thing, like when you say a black man is a vicious savage native stereotype. BITCH I NEED MY METAPHORS FUCK YO RACISMS. The voodoo storefront has evoked outrage in the beachfront community of Spring Lake, N.J. But Bill Skuby, 66, owner of the local men’s store, Skuby & Co. Lifestyle Clothing, insists that the display is not political. … “It’s personal.” The store’s window display depicts an image of Obama’s head superimposed in the body of a witch doctor that rests atop the word “Obamacare.” The witch doctor image is placed under a tombstone epithet that reads, “I Told You I Was Sick,” accompanied by a photo of the president in a doctor’s coat and stethoscope. On the tombstone stands an Obama bobble-head doll sporting a long-sleeved tee that reads, “Hoax,” and underneath that is a zombie mannequin rising from the dead wearing a hat that says “F.Y.B.O.,” an acronym apparently for an expletive phrase denouncing the president. Racist or not, this is a man who knows how to fill a diorama. Slow clap for this douchebag, everyone. Despite pushback from the community, Skuby plans on keeping the display up, and says that Romney would also receive the same treatment, based on one simple criteria. Read more on Not-Racist Shopkeeper: Obama Is An Ooga-Booga Witch Doctor Negro…
  shyne on bright star

Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney

The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably. 1. Lindsay Lohan The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important now,” Lohan said to noted news network E!. “So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.” As of now, she says. When the DTs hit, she’ll gladly vote for whoever runs to the nearest liquor store, but that’s a separate issue. It is not clear why a Republican would trumpet the endorsement of Lindsay Lohan, who was pretty much in Mean Girls, then Samantha Ronson’s pants, then a pile of cocaine so large Tony Montana simply Biden-grins at it. Anyway, congrats to Mitt Romney. For now. Read more on Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney…
  you have nothing to fear but dying in a hospital alone

Mitt Romney: None Of You Poors Die, I Think?

Mitt Romney, in his relentless effort to win over the liberal media by telling them strings of words that make it sound like he’s thinking, talked to the Columbus Dispatch yesterday about healthcare. Perhaps the most controversial part of Romney’s healthcare plan (haha, we kid, Romney has no plan) is getting rid of Obamacare’s preexisting guarantee coverage. How, then, will Romney deal with that? Romney, in a meeting with The Dispatch’s editorial board, said those who currently don’t carry insurance would have a chance to make a “choice” to be covered without fear of being denied. But he didn’t specify how long Americans would have to make that choice, or what would happen to those who chose not to be covered and later fell sick. This is a rather smart way of dealing with people who have preexisting conditions on a particular date, then laughing at everyone else who didn’t discover their liver cancer until after Mitt Romney said it was okay. But what about everyone else? What if I decide to metastasize my tumor later on? Never fear, there’s a plan there, too! Read more on Mitt Romney: None Of You Poors Die, I Think?…
  i said nothing when they came for the axelrod

Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews

Mitt Romney stated things during the debate last week that were often in direct contravention of both reality and things he had previously stated. If you’re wondering why I don’t use the L-word (“liar,” not “lesbian”), it’s because, as Daniel Henninger states at the Wall Street Journal today, “liar” is the linguistic harbinger of fascism. “Liar” is a potent and ugly word with a sleazy political pedigree. But “liar” is not being deployed only by party attack dogs or the Daily Kos comment queue. Mitt Romney is being called a “liar” by officials at the top of the Obama re-election campaign. That’s shameful! What are they doing? Politics isn’t beanbag, but politicians past had all sorts of devices to say or suggest an opponent was playing fast and loose with the truth. This week’s Obama TV ad, “How Can We Trust Mitt Romney?” would have been perfectly legit absent the Plouffe “liar” prepping. So, the problem isn’t saying that someone is an untruthful, anti-American piece of festering shit, just don’t call them a liar. But why? Read more on Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews…
  the birthers are now the ringers

WND: Obama Gay Married Islam

It’s been nearly…oh, a few days, maybe, since there was an insane conspiracy theory about Barack Obama, so of course there’s another one! Barack Obama has a wedding ring, and unlike a normal American male, it is slightly fancy with squiggles and shit. Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., has investigated the ring through blurry, pixelated pictures and also consulted noted Islamic ring expert Mark A. Gabriel (who has a doctorate in “Christian Education”) who says without a doubt that the pictures of the ring are almost entirely certainly Islamic. Egyptian-born Islamic scholar Mark A. Gabriel, Ph.D., examined photographs of Obama’s ring at WND’s request and concluded that the first half of the Shahada is inscribed on it. “There can be no doubt that someone wearing the inscription ‘There is no god except Allah’ has a very close connection to Islamic beliefs, the Islamic religion and Islamic society to which this statement is so strongly attached,” Gabriel told WND. Below, the indisputable pictorial evidence that will convince you beyond a doubt that Obama’s ring…has squiggles on it? Read more on WND: Obama Gay Married Islam…
  the pull-out method

Pollster To O’Reilly: Romney Is So Far Ahead In Invisible Polls That I Quit

David Paleologos, director of polling at Suffolk University, has “pulled” his pollsters out of Florida, North Carolina and Virginia because it is simply impossible for Barack Obama to win. Paleologos said the movement towards Romney in the three states was “overwhelming.” Obama was in particular trouble in Florida, where even before last week’s presidential debate he was only up by 46 percent to 43 percent over Romney. He described that as “a poor place to be” for an incumbent, adding that supporters of 10 fringe candidates on the ballot in the Sunshine State overwhelmingly had Romney as their second choice, meaning they were likely to vote for him if they did not want to waste their vote. Wait, huh? Homeboy is going to stop polling because Obama wasn’t up by enough? Are you even allowed to do that under the Pollster Code? Read more on Pollster To O’Reilly: Romney Is So Far Ahead In Invisible Polls That I Quit…
  insane billionaires who aren't donald trump

Overcompensating Millionaire With Cartoonishly Large House Threatens Employees With Chain Letter

If you work – and in this Obama economy, at least a few of you do, probably – then it’s about a 92% certainty that your boss is a dick. Your boss, however, is not nearly as much of a dick as David Siegel, founder and CEO of Westgate Resorts, and builder of a 90,000 square foot house, who straight stole a fake chain letter about how high taxes would force him to kill and/or fire all of his employees, changed “taxes” to “Obama”, and then seriously sent that shit like a stone cold G. The letter is insanely long, because SURPRISE someone insanely egotistical enough to threaten their employees’ jobs if they vote the wrong way is not good at brevity, but some juicy excerpts are below. Read more on Overcompensating Millionaire With Cartoonishly Large House Threatens Employees With Chain Letter…
  the rated r superstar

Hollywood Liberals Conspire To Give R Rating To Children’s Film About Andrew Breitbart

Sorry, kids, but Pixar’s newest release, Hating Breitbart, will be rated R, so you will have to either sneak in with fake IDs or wait for it to appear on Encore in, oh, three months. The Daily Caller smells a conspiracy! Producers of the biographical documentary “Hating Breitbart” got news last week that their film received an “R” rating from the Motion Picture Association of America. And with that move official Hollywood, long the preserve of liberal culture warriors, has had what appears to be the last laugh on the late Andrew Breitbart. Oh, yes, the MPAA, that sterling bastion of cultural libertines. (Ask Kevin Smith about getting an NC-17 for language, right after he finishes his guest post at Pajamas Media.) Read more on Hollywood Liberals Conspire To Give R Rating To Children’s Film About Andrew Breitbart…
  the vetting

BREAKING: Obama’s Campaign Site Rejects Fraudulent Donation

Today’s right-wing Obama-is-a-foreigner thing is the startling revelation that, theoretically, Barack Obama could be accepting campaign donations from foreign nationals. Short version: Barack Obama does not own the Obama.com domain name. Some (American) dude in China does. It autoforwards to a donation page on BarackObama.com, which Barack Obama owns. Foreigners can access Obama.com through nefarious means such as web browsers, which probably means that all of Obama’s money is raised from his half-siblings in Kenya and Indonesia. But how to prove this is happening? The campaign denies it, of course, as liars would. So leave it to intrepid pile of moist journalism Erick Erickson to investigate. And by investigate, we mean attempt credit card fraud. Read more on BREAKING: Obama’s Campaign Site Rejects Fraudulent Donation…