Author Archives: Jesse Taylor

  it's always obama in philadelphia

Fox Nation: Did Obama Voter Fraud All Of Philadelphia?

In fifty-nine Philadelphia voting divisions, Mitt Romney received zero votes. Fifty-nine. Zero. Italics. Fox Nation posts this Philadelphia Inquirer article, leaving their commentariat to worry that maybe Obama totally vote-frauded the city, and Romney would have won if not for Obama’s grand scheme to totally eliminate Republicans from 3.5% of the total precincts in Philadelphia, a city he won with 85% of the vote. Read more on Fox Nation: Did Obama Voter Fraud All Of Philadelphia?…
  cracker barrel

Did The Washington Post Bury Their Big Journalism Rapist Hug To Help Barack Obama?

The Washington Post did a very well-reported, if disturbing, piece on East Coast Rapist Aaron Thomas, detailing his trail of horrific crimes and his new admission that he committed them. However, this is Wonkette, so you know someone said something stupid about it. What’s that sound? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh, no, it’s Ann Althouse! Shit. Isn’t it interesting that The Washington Post drops its long, sympathetic article about a rapist after the election is over? Rape (strangely) became a huge issue in the past campaign season, and it dramatically hurt the Republican Party to have 2 senatorial candidates that said something stupid related to rape (both inept efforts at pro-life sentiment). Read more on Did The Washington Post Bury Their Big Journalism Rapist Hug To Help Barack Obama?…
  first they came for the truthers

NRO Weeps For America’s New Oppressed Minority: Poll Truthers

After a month or so of really kind of absurd arguments that every poll in existence was skewed because of liberalism and Nate Silver being a big gay homosexual, we have now come full circle: Jim Geraghty at the National Review has decided that those who criticize morons are basically calling them racists. So a lot of people who don’t read me that closely are going to look at what follows and interpret it as “Jim’s saying the polls are always wrong.” That’s not what I’m saying, but I’m prefacing all of this with that prediction, because we’ve all seen that when people don’t like what you have to say, they attempt to cut off discussion by calling you insane or silly. Sneering “truther” in response to a disagreement from the conventional wisdom is almost as worn out as “racist.” Geraghty then proceeds to argue that polls are probably always wrong, which is a totally different argument that his first sentence completely negates. But what about the fact that bold truth-teller Jimmy is basically being called a racist just because he’s kind of innumerate and hackish? Read more on NRO Weeps For America’s New Oppressed Minority: Poll Truthers…
  he who reported the smell dealt it

Washington Free Beacon Super Squicked Out By Stinky Girls

This morning, Obama campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki was on MSNBC (obviously, what with all the socialisms). Remarking how busy the campaign was, she said that she’d just gotten off the campaign and been able to shower for the first time in two days. …Wait for it…wait for it… The Washington Free Beacon decided to go hard on this lady’s vagina-filth and make a thing out of it. (Clip below the fold.) Read more on Washington Free Beacon Super Squicked Out By Stinky Girls…
  it's not racist if other white people say it

Sarah Palin Will No Longer Be Racist As Soon As She Understands What Racism Is

Hey, so after Arctic griftbull Sarah Palin was balls-out racist yesterday, saying Blackrack Obama was committing a “shuck and jive” against white people, she took to Facebook to pen a response to her awful critics. Well, not “pen,” someone else wrote it for her. Someone white. For the record, there was nothing remotely racist in my use of the phrase “shuck and jive” – a phrase which many people have used, including Chris Matthews, Andrew Cuomo, and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to name a few off the top of my head. In fact, Andrew Cuomo also used the phrase in reference to Barack Obama, and the fact that Mr. Cuomo and I used the phrase in relation to President Obama signifies nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, when Cuomo said “You can’t shuck and jive at a press conference. All those moves you can make with the press don’t work when you’re in someone’s living room,” it was racist. This has been your moment of blacksplanation. Read more on Sarah Palin Will No Longer Be Racist As Soon As She Understands What Racism Is…
  this is my sorry for 2004

Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?

Cartoon Romney sidekick Jennifer Rubin has determined, thanks to a Romney ad she saw, that Barack Obama did so apologize for America over and over and over again to the point that nobody is even sure if he was actually president or just some hip-hop artist obsessed with apologizing. What sorts of apologies did Barack Obama lodge on America’s unwilling behalf? (Was America raped with apology, giving birth to God-blessed Obamunism?) I will focus on two major apologies that have been deliberately and forcefully delivered by the president and/or top aides. The first is our handling of the war on terror. Liberals don’t even see that Obama’s excoriating his predecessor is apologizing for this nation, but of course it is. George W. Bush wasn’t acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States. Read more on Washington Post’s Premier Romney-Licker Jennifer Rubin: Why Does Mitt Romney Keep Apologizing For America?…
  you just got trumped

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama. He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow. What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it. Read more on October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)…
  donald trump loves divorce guys

Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce

We revealed earlier that Donald Trump will probably tell us all that Barack Obama was the Kenyan Ricky Ross tomorrow, but there is a second, equally credible bombshell that Donald Trump will also probably embarrassingly reveal to absolutely no impact tomorrow: the Obamas once considered divorcing. With his trademarked humility and circumspection, Donald Trump recently boasted he’s about to announce huge news about President Obama, and one rumor has already been reported: “Douglas Kass, a Florida-based investor who appears on CNBC’s talkshow ‘Squawkbox’ where Trump is often a commentator, tweeted to his 48,000 followers: ’High above the Alps my Gnome has heard that Donald Trump will announce that he has unearthed divorce papers between the Prez and his wife.’” Read more on Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce…
  mother schmucker

Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening

You will remember 2008, yes? When “Joe the Plumber” seized the nation’s imagination and served as the nation’s templar for our hopes that there was a secret groundswell of angry anti-Obama voters who would make the race close and give reporters something exciting to cover on Election Night? And then how none of that happened and McCain lost in ignominy and Sarah Palin was not our first hot lady Vice President? Well, Joey the Biden went back to Toledo (where Joe the Plumber is completely failing to run for elected office), and was confronted by an eater at a restaurant who TOTALLY OWNED HIM and maybe that means that Ohio is close and Obama won’t win maybe? Read more on Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening…
  it takes a panel of dozens to act like hacks

Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues

Fox News once again hired ruddy shitmonster Frank Luntz to convene a panel of undecided voters who watch Fox News (read: Romney voters who want to be on Fox News). There is video (as the kids are saying, “after the fold”). Fox Nation describes this as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Near Brawl,” but it comes off more as “Luntz Focus Group Erupts Into Backbiting Fuck-Tussle.” Read more on Fox News Convenes Post-Debate Panel Of Snippy Idiots; Foofaraw Ensues…
  the protocrowleys of the elders of CNN

Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy

Follow along, libtards, as some guy on the internet blows your whole world up. Last week’s town hall debate was notable for many things – Romney trying to bumrush Obama like eighteen times, Obama not falling asleep five minutes in, and Candy Crowley sort of correcting Mitt Romney by shooting him right in his stupid face. But surely there is an explanation besides “Mitt was completely wrong” for why Crowley dared stand up to America’s Next President? Duh. A blogger at something called “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” (they LUV Andy Breitbart!) has compiled an exhaustive breakdown of exactly how Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds and therefore lose him every swing state. Read more on Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy…
  take a peakey at leakey

Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church

Teeny-tiny little “non-denominational” (FUCKIN’ CHRISTIAN, BOY) Church in the Valley of Leakey, Texas, has a new sign up welcoming everyone but Barack Obama. The sign reads, “Vote for the Mormon, not the Muslim! The capitalist, not the communist!” That marquee standing outside a non-denominational church has become the talk of the town in Leakey — about 90 miles northwest of San Antonio. The Church in the Valley is run by Pastor Ray Miller. Miller declined an interview but did say the sign was solely his idea. He said he changes the sign weekly and this isn’t the first bold statement to be displayed. The pastor said he feels strongly about the upcoming presidential election and feels the message on the marquee speaks for itself. Yes, in that it says, quite loudly, “I do not want my tax exemption any more and am also a terrible dinner companion.” Read more on Not-Muslim Mitt Romney Receives Valuable Bigotry And Endorsement From Texas Church…
  sic semper tucker's anus

America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley

There has been, perhaps, no transgression in American debate history worse than when, in the middle of Tuesday’s townhall debate, Candy Crowley swung from the rafters and literally probably shot Mitt Romney in the back of the head by correcting him, according to Tucker Carlson. Read more on America, Meet Your Newest Presidential Assassin: Candy Crowley…
  but i kept my swingline stapler

Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama

Recently, numerous big Republican employers who’ve done incredibly well over the past four years have started to threaten their employees with layoffs if Barack Obama is reelected, because they’d logically give up billions of dollars to spite a black dude. Whether with chain letters, “voter information packets,” or just straight-up office e-mail blasts, conservative employers are all of a sudden super freaked out about the dire consequences of not electing empty shell corporation Mitt Romney. Why, though? Well, maybe because of how, during a call with the National Federation of Independent Businesses (skip to 26:44), Mittens von Glovenstein asked them to! Read more on Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama…
  good goshy benghazi

Candy Crowley Did, But Didn’t, But Actually Did Back Down From Correcting Mittens On Libya

Last night, human dishonesty machine Mitt Romney lied about Barack Obama not calling the attack on the Benghazi consulate an “act of terror” for fourteen days. Candy Crowley (or CanCrow, as the kids call her) corrected Mitt, because he was gloriously, spectacularly wrong. ROMNEY: I want to make sure we get that for the record because it took the president 14 days before he called the attack in Benghazi an act of terror. OBAMA: Get the transcript. CROWLEY: It — it — it — he did in fact, sir. So let me — let me call it an act of terror… OBAMA: Can you say that a little louder, Candy? CROWLEY: He — he did call it an act of terror. It did as well take — it did as well take two weeks or so for the whole idea there being a riot out there about this tape to come out. You are correct about that. BOOM, MAN WHOSE NAME IS A CLOTHING ACCESSORY FOR HANDS. Mitt pretty much ganked a talking point from every dumb conservative blogger on the internet without checking it (including the Internet’s Dumbest Man and Woman, Jim Hoft and Michelle Malkin). If he had, he would have realized that Obama called Benghazi an “act of terror” the very next day after it happened, then again the day after in Colorado just in case motherfuckers weren’t listening. Here’s the problem, though: CanCrow is arguing that Mitt was “right in the main” about Libya because, er, the Obama administration said it was an “act of terror” motivated by a movie rather than by evil black terror hearts or whatever actually causes terrorism. (Video below the fold.) Read more on Candy Crowley Did, But Didn’t, But Actually Did Back Down From Correcting Mittens On Libya…
  mind the gap

Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life

There’s a conspiracy afoot, kid detectives! After the debate, the networks posted “transcripts” of the debate. “What’s a transcript?” your dumb friend might ask. Well, a transcript is when someone writes down everything people said and then you cite from it on the internet! Well, Fox News “transcribed” the debate last night, but there was a mysterious four minute audio gap. Read more on Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life…