OH MY GOD BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT  11:00 am February 5, 2013

Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism

by Jesse Taylor

For those of you who watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you will know what we mean when we say that conservatives are trying to Sweet Dee Michelle Obama. For those of you who don’t, Sweet Dee is the only female member of the group, and the guys pretty much spend the entire time telling [...]

MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT THIS WAY  10:25 am February 1, 2013

National Review: Only A Monster Would Say The Nazis Didn’t Make Sense

by Jesse Taylor

There’s a funny joke that liberals tell each other (okay, I lie, liberals are never funny because they are too busy being offended by non-lesbians) about how if Obama came out against Nazis, conservatives would find a way to defend them. Well, guess what, libtards? JOKE NO MORE. President Obama issued a statement yesterday to commemorate [...]

I THEE BONED AND THEN WED  4:15 pm January 28, 2013

Same-Sex Marriage Opponents Have A Grand New Incoherent Argument: Marriage Is For Dumbs

by Jesse Taylor

Lawyers defending Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act have come up with a really good argument for why the gays shouldn’t be able to get married: they think too much before they have babies. Marriage should be limited to unions of a man and a woman because they alone can “produce unplanned and [...]

ALWAYS BE CAPPIN'  10:45 am January 28, 2013

David Mamet: David Mamet Needs Guns Because Of Affirmative Action And Such

by Jesse Taylor

You likely remember David Mamet for writing a bunch of pretty good stuff that never quite got over the top to greatness, like Wag the Dog and State and Main. If not that, then you should know him for having sex with some lady to create Zosia Mamet, who plays Shoshanna on Girls. (Shoshanna is the [...]

NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER  10:35 am January 16, 2013

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

by Jesse Taylor

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Cold rain in DC, [...]

THE SICKNESS IS IN ALL OF US  9:50 am January 16, 2013

Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You

by Jesse Taylor

Your Wonkette writer had the flu last week. Let us put it this way: if you’re in desperate need of using every blanket in your home, then sweating through your clothes for two straight days, then go lick doorknobs at your closest university. Everybody else, get a flu shot. Or wait, no, first listen to [...]

NEWS YOU CAN'T USE  1:16 pm January 7, 2013

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him

by Jesse Taylor

As it turns out, the plot to overthrow John Boehner and replace him with someone who didn’t actually know they were up for Speaker of the House was larger than previously thought. The short version is that there were a lot more crazy GOP Representatives plotting to get rid of Boehner than just the ones who [...]

WE CAN TOTALLY TELL  1:52 pm January 2, 2013

Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It

by Jesse Taylor

Jim Treacher, who periodically writes incredibly stupid shit at the Daily Caller Media Foundation Trademark, is now demanding the real birth certificate for Hillary Clinton’s concussion or something, and DEMANDS RESPECT FOR HIS CRUSADE. A few weeks ago, when Hillary’s people said she wouldn’t be testifying about Benghazi because she’d fallen down and hit her [...]

BANG BANG BOOGIE  12:10 pm December 18, 2012

A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children

by Jesse Taylor

In these heady days after a man committed a horrific mass murder of innocent children, it’s easy to think, “We would all be safer if everyone carried around big-ass rifles to protect against crime.”  And it’s easy to think that because you’re a fucking AMERICAN who knows about every citizen’s right to presume that everyone [...]

MOVIN' ON UP  12:15 pm December 17, 2012

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

by Jesse Taylor

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried [...]

WINNING AT LOSING  2:09 pm December 11, 2012

Conservatives Crush Dumb Liberals With Popular Political Hashtag, Not So Much With Ideas, Candidates, Campaigns, Message

by Jesse Taylor

Twitchy, which is the website your mom would put together if she were a crazy conservative asshole obsessed with microscopically relevant Twitter bullshit, has CONFIRMED TODAY RIGHT NOW that #tcot was the most popular political hashtag in 2012, and so really it is president. Since Twitchy launched in March, we’ve been documenting daily evidence of conservative Twitter [...]

ONE NATION UNDER DOG  10:50 am December 10, 2012

Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog

by Jesse Taylor

The Obama White Black Muslim House is sending out a “holiday” card (not a CHRISTMAS card, despite the fact that CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON except for Hanukkah but that doesn’t count because unlike Christmas it’s just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on) that prominently features their hypoallergenic dog [...]

SPEED WALKING THE YUCATAN PENINSULA  11:40 am December 4, 2012

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

by Jesse Taylor

Lady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up. Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip [...]

THE BLACKS LOVE HIM ALSO TOO  12:14 pm November 27, 2012

Donald Trump Makes Five Million Dollar Bet With Irony, Loses

by Jesse Taylor

In an exclusive interview with NewsMax, because they are the only people who will talk to him without spitting in his hair-blanket, Donald Trump reveals that the GOP should not be as “mean spirited” going forward. “Republicans didn’t have anything going for them with respect to Latinos and with respect to Asians,” the billionaire developer [...]

DOWN IN HIS B-BOY STANCE  11:20 am November 19, 2012

Hurricane Hypeman Joe Biden Warms Up The East Coast For Your Homeboy Barack Obama

by Jesse Taylor

Joe Biden can literally say any fucking thing in the goddamn world, and it does not matter. Said Joey the Biden to Sandy victims to make them feel better and convince them they have a black friend: “So as the president said when he was up here with the governor, we’re not going anywhere. We’re [...]

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