Author Archives: Jesse Taylor

  georgia is a gunderland

Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns

Today, Georgians with a hyperinflated sense of ego-driven invincibility rejoiced as Governor Nathan Deal signed into law a bill that allows them to protect innocent victims virtually anywhere they wish, like when they’re drinking or when someone gives them the sideeye for not putting anything in the collection plate. Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal signed a wide-ranging gun bill into law Wednesday that has critics howling and proponents applauding. House Bill 60, or the Safe Carry Protection Act of 2014 — which opponents have nicknamed the “guns everywhere bill” — specifies where Georgia residents can carry weapons. Included are provisions that allow residents who have concealed carry permits to take guns into some bars, churches, school zones, government buildings and certain parts of airports. What’s best about this list is that they just kept adding new and even more objectionable places to the list to distract from the previous places it made no fucking sense to have a gun. Read more on Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns…
  oh my god becky look at her butt

Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism

For those of you who watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you will know what we mean when we say that conservatives are trying to Sweet Dee Michelle Obama. For those of you who don’t, Sweet Dee is the only female member of the group, and the guys pretty much spend the entire time telling her she’s an awful, ugly, hideous beastmonster of a human being, because Dennis is her sexual-predator brother, Mac is probably in deep denial about being gay and compensates for it by hating women, and Charlie does what other people say because he’s a human version of the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons. Incidentally, this is what Sweet Dee looks like, and you would do her in a heartbeat. Anyway, conservatives have decided that Michelle Obama has a big ol’ fat ass, and just won’t stop saying it. “Fat butt Michelle Obama,” said Bob Grisham, a high school football coach who was surreptitiously recorded by one of his students. “Look at her. She looks like she weighs 185 or 190. She’s overweight.” Grisham, who was suspended Monday, is neither the first nor the most high-profile person to feel moved to comment on the first lady’s physique. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has repeatedly called her Michelle “My Butt” Obama. And Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner, the Wisconsin Republican, issued an apology after he was caught commenting on her “large posterior.” (Grisham has also said he misspoke.) Read more on Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism…
  makes sense when you look at it this way

National Review: Only A Monster Would Say The Nazis Didn’t Make Sense

There’s a funny joke that liberals tell each other (okay, I lie, liberals are never funny because they are too busy being offended by non-lesbians) about how if Obama came out against Nazis, conservatives would find a way to defend them. Well, guess what, libtards? JOKE NO MORE. President Obama issued a statement yesterday to commemorate International Holocaust Remembrance Day. He noted that survivors who bore witness to “the horrors of the cattle cars, ghettos, and concentration camps have witnessed humanity at its very worst and know too well the pain of losing loved ones to senseless violence.” (We noted below how some in Europe chose to mark the day, which takes place each year on January 27, the day Soviet troops liberated Auschwitz.) The idea that all violence is “senseless” violence is one that has taken deep root on the left; it’s also, unfortunately, one that poses a major impediment to understanding the world. Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” Say what you will about National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s a fucking ethos. We mean…uh…what?  We hate to go all trite wedding toast on you, but the dictionary defines senseless as “destitute of, deficient in, or contrary to sense.”  I think that most people could agree that mass genocide, for whatever purpose, is contrary to any established norm of “sense”. Right? …Right? No. Read more on National Review: Only A Monster Would Say The Nazis Didn’t Make Sense…
  i thee boned and then wed

Same-Sex Marriage Opponents Have A Grand New Incoherent Argument: Marriage Is For Dumbs

Lawyers defending Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act have come up with a really good argument for why the gays shouldn’t be able to get married: they think too much before they have babies. Marriage should be limited to unions of a man and a woman because they alone can “produce unplanned and unintended offspring,” opponents of gay marriage have told the Supreme Court. By contrast, when same-sex couples decide to have children, “substantial advance planning is required,” said Paul D. Clement, a lawyer for House Republicans. Hahaha, you thought we were kidding. Read more on Same-Sex Marriage Opponents Have A Grand New Incoherent Argument: Marriage Is For Dumbs…
  always be cappin'

David Mamet: David Mamet Needs Guns Because Of Affirmative Action And Such

You likely remember David Mamet for writing a bunch of pretty good stuff that never quite got over the top to greatness, like Wag the Dog and State and Main. If not that, then you should know him for having sex with some lady to create Zosia Mamet, who plays Shoshanna on Girls. (Shoshanna is the one that when you and your friends cast yourselves as one of the Girls‘ leads, nobody wants to be. This is not Zosia’s fault, it’s just that not many people want to be the neurotic near-virgin who smoked crack and walked around Bushwick without pants on.) Anyway, David Mamet at some point had a break with reality (psst, it’s when the black guy got elected President) and decided that he would be the Hollywood elite former Democrat who broke ties with the party after the iPad came out but is really incensed about Chappaquiddick and the New Deal. Now, David is super pissy about guns. After talking about bureaucrats and Marxism, David states: As rules by the Government are one-size-fits-all, any governmental determination of an individual’s abilities must be based on a bureaucratic assessment of the lowest possible denominator. The government, for example, has determined that black people (somehow) have fewer abilities than white people, and, so, must be given certain preferences. Anyone acquainted with both black and white people knows this assessment is not only absurd but monstrous. And yet it is the law. What does this have to do with gun control? Fuck if we know. But, yes, dumb Negroes. Read more on David Mamet: David Mamet Needs Guns Because Of Affirmative Action And Such…
  never ever getting back together

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Read more on Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry…
  the sickness is in all of us

Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You

Your Wonkette writer had the flu last week. Let us put it this way: if you’re in desperate need of using every blanket in your home, then sweating through your clothes for two straight days, then go lick doorknobs at your closest university. Everybody else, get a flu shot. Or wait, no, first listen to known radio personality Michael “Savage” Weiner discuss how the flu shot is a secret government conspiracy to give everyone MS and autism and then…um…well, we do not know what the second part of this scheme is, but we’ll all be too sick to care anyway. Asking listeners to put aside his political orientation for a moment, talk-radio host Michael Savage questioned the federal government’s recommendation that citizens get a flu shot. “Did Harry Reid take a flu shot? Did Barack Obama take a flu shot? Did Barack Obama’s lovely family take a flu shot? Did Joe Biden take a flu shot?” Savage asked. “Which of the mandarins took the flu shot?” Read more on Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You…
  news you can't use

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him

As it turns out, the plot to overthrow John Boehner and replace him with someone who didn’t actually know they were up for Speaker of the House was larger than previously thought. The short version is that there were a lot more crazy GOP Representatives plotting to get rid of Boehner than just the ones who picked random names to vote for, but everyone rebuffed them, and they were super secretive about it. Blah blah blah parliamentarian tactics that weren’t going to work but here’s the hilarious part, guys, ok? Notably, the attempt was plotted independently from, and without the knowledge of, a public effort led by a young conservative activist and former GOP Rep. Jeff Landry, which created buzz about Boehner’s possible ouster in conservative media. Landry lost re-election to Boehner ally Rep. Charles Boustany Jr., R-La., in a member-vs.-member contest brought about by redistricting. Breitbart.com covered the Landry effort extensively, and one Republican member who participated in the larger coup attempt said Breitbart’s coverage of the smaller push actually helped keep their effort hidden because it suggested to Boehner and his allies that talk of a coup wasn’t serious. Members of the larger coup plot deliberately excluded top aides from deliberations to enhance secrecy and to protect them from recrimination. Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him…
  we can totally tell

Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It

Jim Treacher, who periodically writes incredibly stupid shit at the Daily Caller Media Foundation Trademark, is now demanding the real birth certificate for Hillary Clinton’s concussion or something, and DEMANDS RESPECT FOR HIS CRUSADE. A few weeks ago, when Hillary’s people said she wouldn’t be testifying about Benghazi because she’d fallen down and hit her head, I did exactly what our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the media would have done if Secretary Clinton were a Republican: I asked to see the medical report. I didn’t accuse her of faking her injury. I didn’t call it a hoax. I merely showed skepticism about the claims of a career politician who was missing her second opportunity in a row to testify about her department’s utter negligence and ineptitude in Benghazi. Now, of course, lazy hacks are accusing me of doing the very thing I went out of my way not to do. Right…in general, when you’re not accusing someone of lying, you ask them for the private medical records to prove the thing you have no reason to doubt, but don’t believe because they’re probably lying, which is not what you’re saying at all.  At all.  Especially when you quote an article that says Clinton’s concussion “looks like avoidance of responsibility to preserve her own political viability” and then you say “[i]t certainly does.”  That’s not accusing someone of engaging in a self-serving lie, it’s just accusing them of being dishonest to…serve their own purposes. Totes diff. (To be fair, Treacher has a lot of reason to hate the State Department, considering a State Department SUV hit him while he was crossing the street and caused him permanent physical damage.  But maybe you take that guy off the State Department beat, hm?) Read more on Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It…
  bang bang boogie

A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children

In these heady days after a man committed a horrific mass murder of innocent children, it’s easy to think, “We would all be safer if everyone carried around big-ass rifles to protect against crime.”  And it’s easy to think that because you’re a fucking AMERICAN who knows about every citizen’s right to presume that everyone else is trying to kill him. But there’s a small catch to this.  America has police (for some reason), and they’re licensed to not only carry weapons, but can arrest you!  And not in the cool citizen’s arrest way where you draw on a guy and spout one-liners until a hapless fat cop shows up covered in powdered sugar to fumblingly snap handcuffs on the guy, but in the put you in jail way.  One Arkansas town is taking advantage of this, and is arming all of its officers with AR-15s so they can demand IDs. Read more on A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children…
  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  winning at losing

Conservatives Crush Dumb Liberals With Popular Political Hashtag, Not So Much With Ideas, Candidates, Campaigns, Message

Twitchy, which is the website your mom would put together if she were a crazy conservative asshole obsessed with microscopically relevant Twitter bullshit, has CONFIRMED TODAY RIGHT NOW that #tcot was the most popular political hashtag in 2012, and so really it is president. Since Twitchy launched in March, we’ve been documenting daily evidence of conservative Twitter domination and hilarious liberal hashtag failures. Whether it’s hijacking progressive hashtags or launching their own, conservatives rule the political Twitterverse. Today, Twitter confirmed what Twitchy has been reporting. The #tcot, or “top conservatives on Twitter” hashtag, tops the list of political hashtags for 2012. Finally, a website dedicated to recycling random tweets in an effort to make cloistered idiots feel better about their insular online world has achieved its first victory: sort of taking part in the use of a pointless hashtag!  Congrats? Read more on Conservatives Crush Dumb Liberals With Popular Political Hashtag, Not So Much With Ideas, Candidates, Campaigns, Message…
  one nation under dog

Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog

The Obama White Black Muslim House is sending out a “holiday” card (not a CHRISTMAS card, despite the fact that CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON except for Hanukkah but that doesn’t count because unlike Christmas it’s just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on) that prominently features their hypoallergenic dog deity, Bo. The 2012 White House “Holiday” card spotlights the Obama’s family Portuguese water dog — instead of Christmas. The black and white illustration was designed by Iowa artist Larassa Kabel and shows Bo the dog, wearing a scarf, while  frolicking in the snow on the South Lawn of a blurred White House. The inside of the card reportedly reads, ”This season, may your home be filled with family, friends, and the joy of the holidays.” The card is signed by the entire First Family — along with Bo’s paw print. Let’s realize what the holidays are really for: bundling up your family in matching clothes, making them sit uncomfortably for half an hour in a Sears photo studio, then sending out a meticulously detailed letter listing every banal accomplishment of your empty suburban lives to people you haven’t talked to in months. Read more on Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog…
  speed walking the yucatan peninsula

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

Lady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up. Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location. Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business. “That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before?  Read more on Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips…
  the blacks love him also too

Donald Trump Makes Five Million Dollar Bet With Irony, Loses

In an exclusive interview with NewsMax, because they are the only people who will talk to him without spitting in his hair-blanket, Donald Trump reveals that the GOP should not be as “mean spirited” going forward. “Republicans didn’t have anything going for them with respect to Latinos and with respect to Asians,” the billionaire developer says. “The Democrats didn’t have a policy for dealing with illegal immigrants, but what they did have going for them is they weren’t mean-spirited about it,” Trump says. “They didn’t know what the policy was, but what they were is they were kind.” Read more on Donald Trump Makes Five Million Dollar Bet With Irony, Loses…
  down in his b-boy stance

Hurricane Hypeman Joe Biden Warms Up The East Coast For Your Homeboy Barack Obama

Joe Biden can literally say any fucking thing in the goddamn world, and it does not matter. Said Joey the Biden to Sandy victims to make them feel better and convince them they have a black friend: “So as the president said when he was up here with the governor, we’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. And you’ve got a homeboy in the deal who gets it.” Read more on Hurricane Hypeman Joe Biden Warms Up The East Coast For Your Homeboy Barack Obama…