Jesse Berney

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Jesse Berney is a writer living in Washington, D.C. You can find him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jesseberney
There's hope for you, white guys.

Make America Great Again: Reparative Therapy, But For Straight White Dudes

Since America is no longer great, according to certain dimwitted candidates for president, we are sharing ideas to Make America Great Again. Read more entries in the series here. Look, Jesus isn't going to turn your kids not-gay. Sorry, but...
Do not takesess our precious.

Make America Great Again: Mount Doom, But for Guns

Since America is no longer great, according to certain dimwitted candidates for president, we are sharing ideas to Make America Great Again. Read more entries in the series here. “My preciousssssssssss.” Gun rights extremists are Gollum. Any whisper of an idea...

Make America Great Again: Introducing The Oscars, But For Abortions!

America! It was great once, remember? But now it’s not, thanks to Muslim presidents and homosexual marriages. If only there were someone out there with enough boundless self-confidence that he truly believed, in his heart of hearts, that he personally...

Apple’s New iWatch Even Tells Time Sometimes

Apple is once again looking to take over an entire sector of consumer products with its introduction of the new Apple Watch. Shipping early next year at an introductory price of only $349, it has the potential to redefine...

Wonkette Special Investigative Report: The Lost Republican Obamacare Ads

You already know about the hilarious and timely GOP videos parodying Apple’s Mac vs. PC ads that are timely and also hilarious! But what you don’t know is that the ads on the Republican National Committee’s website aren’t the...

Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore

“Senator Ted Cruz, who recently discovered that he is likely a Canadian, must win security clearance from Canada's spy agency, fill in a four-page form and then wait up to eight months to sever his ties to America's northern...

Obama Coming To Your House To Ram Birth Control Pills Down Your Throat, Probably

Bad news. It turns out that Obamacare doesn't just make birth control freely available. It actually mandates that every man, woman, and child in America take birth control until they grow hair in weird places or whatever those devil...

How Can We Protect Women From Themselves Today?

States like Texas, Ohio, and North Carolina have made great strides in recent days to make sure their women are well-protected and well-informed about pregnancy and abortion, issues that they are rarely able to understand on their own. Mandatory...

I’m Sorry, Y’all

Paula Deen’s first apology video, the one that was posted to Youtube and then pulled down moments later, was just 45 seconds long and contained a number of sudden jump cuts that made it clear we weren’t getting the...

I’m Sorry, NSA

To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related...

Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too

Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has...

Federal Government Either Deporting or Not Deporting Guy Who Definitely Bombed Boston and Either Way We’re Outraged

If you are the kind of radical extremist who gets his news from “newspapers” or “television” or other sources of so-called “journalism,” you probably think we don’t yet know who perpetrated Monday’s deadly bomb attack in Boston. But if...

Glenn Beck: The Only Logical Response To Boston Marathon Bombing Is To Make Glenn Beck Wealthier

We don’t yet know who is responsible for the horrific bombings in Boston yesterday, but we do know they are a sign of society’s imminent collapse, and that those unprepared for our post-apocalyptic future are destined to die alone...

Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever

Campbell Brown is a former CNN anchor and Objective Journalist who is extremely concerned that President Obama isn’t doing enough to combat gun violence. So she took to the always-objective Wall Street Journal editorial page to give the president...

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli Really Doesn’t Want You Having Sex In Your Butts

In 2003, disgusting perverts like you celebrated the landmark 6-3 decision in Lawrence v. Texas, which invalidated laws against sodomy in Texas and across the nation. The Supreme Court ruling meant that you’ll only face God’s judgment for whatever...

The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights

Roe v. Wade, guys. Roe v. Wade. I know you’re probably shaking your head sadly at the mere mention of that travesty, because even if you support a woman’s right to choose when she gets to grow a baby...