I’m Sorry, NSA
To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications. In the course of monitoring my phone and Internet activity, you may [...]
Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too
Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has obtained 12 different versions of the talking points that show they were extensively edited as [...]
Federal Government Either Deporting or Not Deporting Guy Who Definitely Bombed Boston and Either Way We’re Outraged
If you are the kind of radical extremist who gets his news from “newspapers” or “television” or other sources of so-called “journalism,” you probably think we don’t yet know who perpetrated Monday’s deadly bomb attack in Boston. But if you’re among the loyal members of Glenn Beck’s Internet media empire, you know the truth: the [...]
Glenn Beck: The Only Logical Response To Boston Marathon Bombing Is To Make Glenn Beck Wealthier
We don’t yet know who is responsible for the horrific bombings in Boston yesterday, but we do know they are a sign of society’s imminent collapse, and that those unprepared for our post-apocalyptic future are destined to die alone in the streets. How do we know this? Because Glenn Beck, America’s foremost historian* and greatest [...]
Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever
Campbell Brown is a former CNN anchor and Objective Journalist who is extremely concerned that President Obama isn’t doing enough to combat gun violence. So she took to the always-objective Wall Street Journal editorial page to give the president some objective advice: The president’s campaign against gun violence has produced a stale debate marked by [...]
Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli Really Doesn’t Want You Having Sex In Your Butts
In 2003, disgusting perverts like you celebrated the landmark 6-3 decision in Lawrence v. Texas, which invalidated laws against sodomy in Texas and across the nation. The Supreme Court ruling meant that you’ll only face God’s judgment for whatever foul things you and your consenting adult lovers do in the privacy of your basement sex [...]
The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights
Roe v. Wade, guys. Roe v. Wade. I know you’re probably shaking your head sadly at the mere mention of that travesty, because even if you support a woman’s right to choose when she gets to grow a baby inside her belly, you probably consider it the worst decision ever decided by the Supreme Court. [...]
Horrible Woman Too Horrible To Attend Conference Of Horrible People
If you’ve noticed the acrid smell of gelled hair burning today, that’s the scent of the conservative world en fuego. The battle for the hearts and minds of the worst Americans is on, and it pits the terrible against the even more terrible. At the center of the fight is Pamela Geller, who can most [...]
Congratulations, Iowa Womyn! You May Already Be A Murderer!
You were once just two little cells, floating around in goo inside some disgusting lady who probably just had sex. But even back then you were still a complete human being, according to state representative Tom Shaw, one of nine Iowa Republicans who introduced a law that would make the destruction of a zygote subject [...]
Are You On The NRA’s ‘Enemies List’? Hint: The Answer Is Yes!
Are you Jewish? Black? A doctor? Episcopalian? A victim of domestic violence? A school principal? Steve Buscemi? If you are a member of any of these categories or one of hundreds of others, the National Rifle Association may be planning your imminent demise. (They’re having a little trouble in the planning phase. They don’t know [...]
What Will Sarah Palin Do Next? An Exercise in Wild Speculation
Put the pen down. I know you’ve been working feverishly on your 10,000-word jeremiad to Fox News demanding that they put Sarah Palin back on the air right now at whatever price she demands, but it’s time to move on. Roger Ailes isn’t going to be moved by your pleas; he doesn’t experience what you [...]
Gay Mafia Forces Obama To Cancel Presidential Inauguration; Hugo Chavez To Take Oath Of Office Instead
Like all meaningless ceremonies in Washington (and there are lots), this year’s presidential inaugural has been beset by controversy. And like all controversies in Washington (and there are lots), this was easily avoided by not doing exactly the same thing the last time this issue came up. Yes, once again, President Obama’s inaugural committee appointed [...]
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