Author Archives: Jesse Berney

Full Name: Jesse Berney Website:
Info: Jesse Berney has provided a voice online for a wide array of Democrats and progressives, including Bill and Hillary Clinton. He is currently the principal of Jefferson Street Strategies, an Internet communications, strategy, and fundraising consulting firm. You can find him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jesseberney
  iSnooze

Apple’s New iWatch Even Tells Time Sometimes

Apple is once again looking to take over an entire sector of consumer products with its introduction of the new Apple Watch. Shipping early next year at an introductory price of only $349, it has the potential to redefine what we think a wristwatch can do — or be one of the company’s biggest failures since the Newton. Read more on Apple’s New iWatch Even Tells Time Sometimes…
  Affordable Care Act 1 Scene 1

Wonkette Special Investigative Report: The Lost Republican Obamacare Ads

You already know about the hilarious and timely GOP videos parodying Apple’s Mac vs. PC ads that are timely and also hilarious! But what you don’t know is that the ads on the Republican National Committee’s website aren’t the only scripts that were written. Our Wonkette Special Investigative Team has uncovered the lost, unproduced scripts that the RNC didn’t want you to see. Read more on Wonkette Special Investigative Report: The Lost Republican Obamacare Ads…
  Hoser of the Year

Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore

“Senator Ted Cruz, who recently discovered that he is likely a Canadian, must win security clearance from Canada’s spy agency, fill in a four-page form and then wait up to eight months to sever his ties to America’s northern neighbor…. “A person giving up citizenship must be Canadian, prove they are or will become a citizen of another country, not live in Canada and not be a security threat. They must also explain in writing why they don’t want to be a Canadian any more.” -Reuters, 8/20/2013 Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper: I hereby renounce my citizenship in the nation of Canada. While I do not recognize the authority of Canada’s government, I understand you require me to explain my reasons for wanting to sever ties to your so-called country. Frankly, it is Canadians who ought to explain why they want to continue being citizens. But I will humor you, if only for your own edification. Read more on Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore…
  Will this make me grow boobs?

Obama Coming To Your House To Ram Birth Control Pills Down Your Throat, Probably

Bad news. It turns out that Obamacare doesn’t just make birth control freely available. It actually mandates that every man, woman, and child in America take birth control until they grow hair in weird places or whatever those devil pills do to you. It seems strange that they would mandate birth control usage, but that’s the only way the lawsuit from Missouri GOP state representative Paul Wieland makes sense. Paul (we feel like he would want us to call him Paul) is suing the federal government because Obamacare is infringing on his personal religious freedoms and liberties by making his insurance offer him the birth control pill for free. Which I guess means he has to take it? Read more on Obama Coming To Your House To Ram Birth Control Pills Down Your Throat, Probably…
  all the single ladyparts

How Can We Protect Women From Themselves Today?

States like Texas, Ohio, and North Carolina have made great strides in recent days to make sure their women are well-protected and well-informed about pregnancy and abortion, issues that they are rarely able to understand on their own. Mandatory ultrasounds ensure that women know that pregnancy means they are growing a baby inside their tummies, so they can make the best-informed choice about their terrible mistake. Stringent new regulations on abortion clinics mean women will receive the highest possible level of care, or would if the regulations didn’t shut down all the clinics. Bans on abortions after 20 weeks, or even earlier, put the most qualified people — politicians — in charge of women’s difficult medical decisions. But do these measures go far enough to protect women from their own choices? Are women well-informed enough? Clearly not. That’s why Republicans in Congress should introduce the Protecting Women From Themselves Act, which — while preserving the right to an abortion outlined in Roe v. Wade in defiance of basic human decency — would provide common-sense limitations to give women the help they need to make the best decisions they can. What to expect while Protecting Women From Themselves? Read more on How Can We Protect Women From Themselves Today?…
  Song of the South

I’m Sorry, Y’all

Paula Deen’s first apology video, the one that was posted to Youtube and then pulled down moments later, was just 45 seconds long and contained a number of sudden jump cuts that made it clear we weren’t getting the apology Paula intended to give. Read more on I’m Sorry, Y’all…
  You So NSAsty

I’m Sorry, NSA

To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications. Read more on I’m Sorry, NSA…
  Each Benghazi More Benghazi Than the Last

Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too

Impeach! Impeach! IMPEACH! Everything terrible you ever believed about our tyrannical gun-grabbing socialist Muslim foreign-born gay president has turned out to be true, according to the latest expose on Solyndra Fast and Furious Benghazi from ABC News: ABC News has obtained 12 different versions of the talking points that show they were extensively edited as they evolved from the drafts first written entirely by the CIA to the final version distributed to Congress and to U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice before she appeared on five talk shows the Sunday after that attack. Read more on Fox News Was Right About Benghazi All Along and Probably Everything Else Too…
  terrorismism

Federal Government Either Deporting or Not Deporting Guy Who Definitely Bombed Boston and Either Way We’re Outraged

If you are the kind of radical extremist who gets his news from “newspapers” or “television” or other sources of so-called “journalism,” you probably think we don’t yet know who perpetrated Monday’s deadly bomb attack in Boston. But if you’re among the loyal members of Glenn Beck’s Internet media empire, you know the truth: the Saudi guy did it. It may come as a shock that Beck and other right-wing outlets are focusing on a Muslim briefly reported to be a suspect, but they aren’t simply bigots who see guilt in the tawny Arab skin of Abdul Rahman Ali Alharbi. They have sources. Sources. Read more on Federal Government Either Deporting or Not Deporting Guy Who Definitely Bombed Boston and Either Way We’re Outraged…
  Golden Opportunity

Glenn Beck: The Only Logical Response To Boston Marathon Bombing Is To Make Glenn Beck Wealthier

We don’t yet know who is responsible for the horrific bombings in Boston yesterday, but we do know they are a sign of society’s imminent collapse, and that those unprepared for our post-apocalyptic future are destined to die alone in the streets. How do we know this? Because Glenn Beck, America’s foremost historian* and greatest living patriot**, told us so. “This is the way it will happen it will happen really really quickly,” he intoned wisely, “this” presumably meaning the end of America as we know it, which has been coming any day now since America elected a certain president whose skin happens to be a certain color. And with the eschaton imminent, there’s only one thing to do, according to Beck: buy gold! When the well-prepared take to their bunkers deep in the woods, the rest of us will be left holding wads of useless cash. Their stacks of gold coins and bars will be the only currency with any value, which they’ll use to purchase squirrel meat and iodine pills from each other. Beck’s recommendation that you buy gold to survive the coming apocalypse is of course only a result of his deep concern for the well-being of his audience and certainly has nothing to do with his deep ties to gold dealer and perennial fraud-investigation-target Goldline. It would certainly be wrong to suggest that Glenn’s entire show is nothing more than one huge commercial for fear and panic, and that he is willing to exploit any tragedy, no matter how horrific, for the personal financial gain of himself and his sponsors. Because that would make him the worst person in America.*** Read more on Glenn Beck: The Only Logical Response To Boston Marathon Bombing Is To Make Glenn Beck Wealthier…
  Down With the Brown

Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever

Campbell Brown is a former CNN anchor and Objective Journalist who is extremely concerned that President Obama isn’t doing enough to combat gun violence. So she took to the always-objective Wall Street Journal editorial page to give the president some objective advice: The president’s campaign against gun violence has produced a stale debate marked by lots of speeches with little achieved. A more creative chief executive would have used this moment to widen the discussion by drawing attention to the increasingly graphic violence so pervasive in television shows, movies and videogames. Mr. Obama is particularly well positioned to challenge Hollywood because of his special relationship with the media world’s elites. Stale debate! Little achieved! Yes, President Obama has failed to pass major legislation through a hopelessly deadlocked Congress in three months, because that’s an easy thing to do. Read more on Objective News Anchor Wishes Obama Would Tell His Elitist Hollywood Scum Friends to End Gun Violence Forever…
  Born-Again Virginia

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli Really Doesn’t Want You Having Sex In Your Butts

In 2003, disgusting perverts like you celebrated the landmark 6-3 decision in Lawrence v. Texas, which invalidated laws against sodomy in Texas and across the nation. The Supreme Court ruling meant that you’ll only face God’s judgment for whatever foul things you and your consenting adult lovers do in the privacy of your basement sex dungeon. But God’s wrath just isn’t enough for Virginia attorney general (and presumptive Republican nominee for governor) Ken Cuccinelli, who wants to enforce Virginia’s still-on-the-books law against sodomy. But mean judges won’t let him: Read more on Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli Really Doesn’t Want You Having Sex In Your Butts…
  a miscarriage of justice

The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights

Roe v. Wade, guys. Roe v. Wade. I know you’re probably shaking your head sadly at the mere mention of that travesty, because even if you support a woman’s right to choose when she gets to grow a baby inside her belly, you probably consider it the worst decision ever decided by the Supreme Court. It makes Dred Scott look like Brown vs. the Board of Education, amirite? At least that’s how the New York Times says you’re supposed to feel! According to this article in Sunday’s paper, everyone hates Roe, or at least everyone quoted in the story. It seems that people are pretty worried that the Supreme Court might decide gay folks should be allowed to marry each other because it could cause the kind of political turmoil that has followed in the four decades since Roe. Instead of letting state legislatures fight about abortion forever (SPOILER: they did anyway), those mean old justices decided that women should just be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. The nerve. And now everyone hates Roe. “That general view is widely accepted across the political spectrum,” the New York Times intones wisely. Read more on The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights…
  allah ladies in the house say yeah

Horrible Woman Too Horrible To Attend Conference Of Horrible People

If you’ve noticed the acrid smell of gelled hair burning today, that’s the scent of the conservative world en fuego. The battle for the hearts and minds of the worst Americans is on, and it pits the terrible against the even more terrible. At the center of the fight is Pamela Geller, who can most charitably be described as an anti-Islam activist and can most accurately be described as a racist shitbag who thinks Muslims cause cavities. As a looney-tunes piece of human garbage who wants Muslims exterminated, Geller has been one of the perennial stars of the Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual gathering of horrible human beings and future Republican presidential candidates. (Yes, we’re aware the circles intersect in that Venn diagram.) But Geller won’t be attending CPAC in 2013. It isn’t because she doesn’t want to go. She filled out an application and everything. But — and even your Wonkette has to admit this is pretty mean — they ignored her. Completely. Didn’t even send her a letter telling her she wasn’t invited, although her previous events had been standing room only (according to noted Pamela Geller expert Pamela Geller). Why did they spurn Geller? What could make her too conservative for CPAC, the conference that turned away noted union-puncher Chris Christie for getting within 20 feet of Obama and not spitting in his face? Geller committed the cardinal sin of conservative Republicans: she criticized Grover Norquist. Read more on Horrible Woman Too Horrible To Attend Conference Of Horrible People…
  The Rythm's Gonna Zygote Ya

Congratulations, Iowa Womyn! You May Already Be A Murderer!

You were once just two little cells, floating around in goo inside some disgusting lady who probably just had sex. But even back then you were still a complete human being, according to state representative Tom Shaw, one of nine Iowa Republicans who introduced a law that would make the destruction of a zygote subject to a murder charge. Shaw’s bill includes no exception for women who’d like to have the zygote forcibly implanted into them by a rapist removed. Those women, along with any others who exercise their Constitutional right to end a pregnancy, could be tossed into prison, along with the doctor who performs it. Read more on Congratulations, Iowa Womyn! You May Already Be A Murderer!…
  NRAwkward

Are You On The NRA’s ‘Enemies List’? Hint: The Answer Is Yes!

Are you Jewish? Black? A doctor? Episcopalian? A victim of domestic violence? A school principal? Steve Buscemi? If you are a member of any of these categories or one of hundreds of others, the National Rifle Association may be planning your imminent demise. (They’re having a little trouble in the planning phase. They don’t know how to commit murder, since they only have guns, and guns don’t kill people. But just remember: If the NRA does it, that means it is not illegal.) The NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action published a list of national organizations and celebrities who have expressed support for “anti-gun policies,” or as Your Wonkette likes to call them, “completely sane restrictions on machines built only to kill.” Included in this admirably exhaustive list are: Read more on Are You On The NRA’s ‘Enemies List’? Hint: The Answer Is Yes!…
  palin around with terrorists

What Will Sarah Palin Do Next? An Exercise in Wild Speculation

Put the pen down. I know you’ve been working feverishly on your 10,000-word jeremiad to Fox News demanding that they put Sarah Palin back on the air right now at whatever price she demands, but it’s time to move on. Roger Ailes isn’t going to be moved by your pleas; he doesn’t experience what you and I describe as “emotions.” It’s time to move on. Sarah Palin is gone, not from this planet but from Fox News, the most important news organization on the planet. We won’t get to see her nodding sagely at Sean Hannity, Greta Van Susteren, and Gretchen Carlson’s hard-hitting questions, like “you came up with that ad several months ago, and it struck a chord with women across the nation.” We won’t get to hear her droppin’ Gs from present participles like they were made of the yellowcake uranium she probably still thinks Saddam Hussein bought from Niger. But if there’s one thing we know for sure about Sarah Palin, it’s that she is never, ever going away. Ever. Seriously. Ever. So what’s her next move? We have some thoughts. Read more on What Will Sarah Palin Do Next? An Exercise in Wild Speculation…
  buh-bye

Gay Mafia Forces Obama To Cancel Presidential Inauguration; Hugo Chavez To Take Oath Of Office Instead

Like all meaningless ceremonies in Washington (and there are lots), this year’s presidential inaugural has been beset by controversy. And like all controversies in Washington (and there are lots), this was easily avoided by not doing exactly the same thing the last time this issue came up. Yes, once again, President Obama’s inaugural committee appointed a pastor with a history of less-than-friendly attitudes toward the gays (or as Your Wonkette believes they prefer to be called, “them”) to deliver the benediction when he takes the oath of office. Read more on Gay Mafia Forces Obama To Cancel Presidential Inauguration; Hugo Chavez To Take Oath Of Office Instead…
  that's not racial transcendence

WND Journalism About Gay Obama’s Arranged Marriage To Lazy Michelle Not At All Racist

America’s most credible journalist, Jerome Corsi, has a new installment out in his series on how a young, homosexual Barack Obama got ahead in Chicago politics. This piece focuses on his arranged marriage to Michelle Obama, who, Corsi strongly implies, is also black. For example, Michelle has been known to use secret black code language: [Jesse] Jackson’s daughter, Santita, is still one of Michelle’s best friends. Santita and Jesse Jr. call her “sis,” short for “sister.” There’s also the subject of her, um, work habits: Read more on WND Journalism About Gay Obama’s Arranged Marriage To Lazy Michelle Not At All Racist…
  people get ready

ZingFest 2012 Is Almost Upon Us

Zingers! Zingers! Who will be the first to make one? Who will have better ones? Will the entire debate be nothing but an endless series of zingers, each zingier than the next? Will Jim Lehrer be forced to stand up, pound his desk, and scream “The next candidate to make a zinger loses 30 electoral votes right fucking now” at Obama and Romney? Mystery guest bloggers Ken Layne and Jim Newell will let you know, back here, at 8:30 p.m.! But first, zingers! Read more on ZingFest 2012 Is Almost Upon Us…
  playing by the old mccain rules

Mitt Romney Might Be a Little Out of Touch

Mitt Romney is just like you and me, except that he grew up pretty wealthy and went to prep school and Ivy League universities and thus had no problem getting access to the kind of people who could help him earn more money than you or I could ever conceive of earning in a hundred lifetimes. He’s rich! And that makes him better than you. Except when it comes to judging what normal people make. He’s not so great at that. Read more on Mitt Romney Might Be a Little Out of Touch…
  no use even having a pulitzer contest now

Mitt Romney Is the Greatest Statesman of All Time

Before spending even a moment in his now-inevitable presidency, Mitt Romney today proved himself the greatest statesman of this age or any other. In a statement rich in nuance and diplomatic elan, Mitt Romney deftly tied the death of the U.S. ambassador to Libya to the shortcomings of President Obama’s foreign policy. He stood by his assertion last night that Obama “sympathized” with those who attacked U.S. embassies. A lesser politician might have shied away from throwing political bombs at such a time, but Romney knows that at a time of tragedy and loss, the right response is to gain whatever campaign advantage you can, no matter how slight. Mystifyingly, some libtards have attacked Romney for his mature, thoughtful statement this morning criticizing President Obama’s foreign policy in the wake of the death of a United States ambassador. But the Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin, voted Most Likely to Win a Pulitzer by me right now, has documented that the response to Romney’s statement has been overwhelmingly positive: Read more on Mitt Romney Is the Greatest Statesman of All Time…