Author Archives: Jeff Wattrick

Full Name: Jeff Wattrick Website:
Info: Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.
  surprise surprise surprise

Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault

So remember last year when Michigan’s Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder passed Right-To-Work like a ninja without so much as a committee hearing or an acknowledgment that Right to Work was something he wanted to do? Yeah, that was fun. And remember how all those union thugs — teachers, nurses, autoworkers, society’s dregs mostly — protested this stunning public policy shift because they mistakenly believed citizens should protest government actions with which they disagree? Heh. Isn’t that just like those filthy “wage earners” who refuse to understand that working for pay is socialist, which is why the U.S. tax code rightly penalizes people for trading their labor for pay instead of just living off investment income like real American heroes? Remember how, back then, we thought there was one man brave enough to stand up to the Saul Alinksy tactics of this unhinged union thug mob? We speak of Fox News’ brave observational rape comedian/disappointed “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” viewer Steve Crowder. At those protests last December, a so-called “worker” punched Crowder for no other reason than he didn’t like Crowder’s defense of the right to legislate against workers’ bargaining power. Read more on Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault…
  they just keep coming and coming and

Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat

When Sen. Carl Levin announced he wasn’t running for re-election in 2014, he didn’t just retire with class, befitting his distinguished record of public service, but he also gave this nation a great gift: Nearly two years of speculation about Michigan’s 2014 Senate race. It came not a moment too soon because America was quickly tiring of increasingly monotonous Ashley Judd Senate buzz. Thankfully, the Levin retirement means several months of idle speculation about who’s running to replace him. The likely front-runners are Reps. Gary Peters (D) and Mike Rogers (R), and while it might be tempting to leave it there until the campaign begins for real next summer, or at least until people actually announce they’re really running, that would be economically irresponsible. Can you imagine the economic devastation if we just stopped caring about the artificial endless campaign? Jobs would be lost, and not only at Politico and the cable news networks. Think of the dry cleaners and bartenders and other workers who might suffer because the now-unemployable Mike Allens of the world would be reduced to wearing sweats and drinking Night Train from the bottle. Is that the change you promised, NOBAMA? Thankfully America is an exceptional nation with exceptionally intense campaign reporting. This is why Yr Wonket can tell you that while Brother of Mitt “Scott” Romney will not run for Levin’s seat, his daughter Ronna Romney McDaniel “maybe” will run. That’s how they do. You stop one Romney and they’ll throw like 14 more right at you. Read more on Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat…
  This sounds right

‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS

New American hero Mike Frey isn’t just an ordinary “concerned Minnesotan.” He is also a husband and father, so you can understand why he is so concerned about this gay marriage thing. He’s agin it and he wants to make sure Minnesota lawmakers are also agin this “gay marriage.” See, married people have sex. Like all the time. It’s crazy how much married people like to smoosh their privates together with each other. If the gays get married, then they’ll start having sex too. Like all the time. If the gays start having sex — they’re mostly celibate now — like those bunny-humping marrieds, it’ll be “sodomy.” That will spread AIDS. Because AIDS is caused, Mike Frey explains, by sperm getting into the colon and mixing with the enzymes. This is bad because AIDS can lead to “colds.” (Note: This man does not seem to be suffering from schizophrenia, so feel free to point and laugh liberal-guilt-free.) Read more on ‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS…
  first they came for the kwames

Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time

This is really sad, you guys. Just because a federal jury decided that you can’t run a city like it was your personal organized crime family, former Detroit Mayor/convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick, a man Russell Simmons once called the “Hip Hop Mayor,” may never again enjoys the epicurean delights of Washington DC landmark “Benz Chili Bowl.” You may remember that Kilpatrick enjoyed Washington DC’s signature chilidog joint so much he delayed a visit to his Chief of Staff/mistress Christine Beatty, a woman who once wondered if there was a wrong way to fellate her mayor. Read more on Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time…
  public service announcement

Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy

Today is International Women’s Day, which means two things. First, we have to listen to people say stupid things like: “I’m not a sexist, but why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?” The correct answer to that question is International Men’s Day is in November and the more correct answer is (read in your best Hank Hill voice): “Shut up. You don’t really want to celebrate International Men’s Day. Stop being a baby always manufacturing fake controversies so you can feign outrage.” The other thing thing that, apparently, happens on International Women’s Day is people lose their crap over a perfectly reasonable suggestion that men should not ever rape women. Zerlina Maxwell said as much on Fox News and now she is…wait for it…receiving rape threats. Read more on Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy…
  the way we were

Let’s All Watch Retiring Sen. Carl Levin Yelling At Bankers Before It Was Cool

Six-term U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) announced today he’ll retire when his term ends in 2014. The professorial/grandfatherly senator was known for rumpled suits, huge combover, glasses tenuously perched on the edge of his nose, and dragging the banking industry’s worst dreck before a committee hearing to tear them new assholes. While other senators (LIZ WARREN LIBEL) were busy not doing anything because what’s the point if you can’t get 59 friends to do it with you, Levin used his position as Chairman of the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations to bring the thunder down on Wall Street. America will be a lesser place without Levin’s unmitigated contempt for the shaved and fumigated conmen who nearly destroyed the American economy. So let us take this moment to remember some of Sen. Levin’s finest moments yelling at banksters. Read more on Let’s All Watch Retiring Sen. Carl Levin Yelling At Bankers Before It Was Cool…
  literally

Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager

The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-“right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency manager to gut pensions restructure the city’s finances. Emergency management is a pretty severe budget-cutting process but Detroit is in such bad shape that even the guy who runs something called michiganliberal.com is like: Yeah, Detroit kind of needs this pain. Which is true because Detroit has been on the brink of running out of cash for the better part of a year, but it’s also one of those things where what did people expect? When a region of 4.4 million people literally concentrates its poverty and abandonment in a city of 700,000 (with an ever-shrinking middle-class population, fed up with a municipality with both high taxes and poor public services) things can only end badly. But why wallow in these big issues of “good governance” and “regionalism” when we can speculate who Snyder will select as Detroit’s very own Chris Traeger? Even national pundits like Charles Lane and David Weigel are getting into it. On “Fox News Sunday,” Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane suggested the former GOP presidential nominee and turnaround expert at private equity firm Bain Capital should get the job of turning Detroit around. “You do see that Mitt Romney is a person with a lot of ability and a lot of energy. Who still has got a lot to contribute, and, you know, his hometown of Detroit, right now, has just been put into state receivership or it’s about to be,” Lane said. “I wonder if there is no role for him in the restructuring of Detroit. He’d be the perfect person to do it. He has got the expertise, he’s a hometown guy, and he is a kind of a political free agent at this point. That is the kind of thing that he could, I think, contribute in the future.” Last week, Dave Weigel writing in a piece for the online magazine Slate titled “Give Detroit to Mitt Romney,” first suggested the move. This is a terrible idea and not just because Mittens is an insufferably entitled twit with no experience with municipal finance. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager…
  that'll show 'em

New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice. Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence and the blessings of liberty anymore so much as fretting about how Congress can’t seem to figure out to trim the deficit without screwing over vital government services. Or mildly inconveniencing the military-industrial complex and wealthy Americans, who are currently subject to historically low taxation. Mainly, Congress doesn’t want to do bother the defense contractors and rich people. It’s a well-established fact that men’s (and women’s) souls were made of stronger stuff back in 1776. “The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in the crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it NOW, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman,” Paine continued. Who will be the winter warrior to lead America out of this (wholly manufactured) crisis of “sequestration”? Well, Wonketteers, look no further. We’ve found such a person to save our republic from absurd Inside The Beltway groupthink, a man that even Bonnie Tyler would call a hero. His name is Bruce Fries, of the Washington DC Fries, and he is strong, and he is fast, and he is fresh from the fight. Tomorrow, Fries will stand up to the politicians by bravely driving around with his hazard lights flashing! According to his press release, he wants you to join him in this heroic and in no way ineffectual effort to influence our elected leaders. Read more on New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration…
  big johnsons

New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson

The Michigan Democratic Party elected Lon Johnson as their new chairman Saturday. But you should know that Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is not the Lon Johnson who, in addition to starring in over 1300 adult films, operates the Lon Johnson School of Acting. They are two different guys. You can tell them apart because porn Lon Johnson looks like Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher, while Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson has that weird Eddie Munster thing going on with the front of his hair, like Paul Ryan. Also, instead of appearing in such notable works of erotic cinema as “Gang Bang The Drum Slowly” and the chilling dystopian fantasy “Nineteen Eighty Porn,” Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson runs a venture capital firm and is married to Obama deputy campaign director/scourge of your email inbox Julianna Smoot. The non-porn Johnson has big plans for the Democrats. For instance, he wants to “[b]uild a new party executive structure so that we can better support our historical allies, while also starting new conversations with emerging Democratic…” OH MY GOD, Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is so boring. Let’s learn more about porn Lon Johnson and his “Johnson Technique.” Porn makes us larf. Read more on New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson…
  absent black dads

RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?

Republican National Committeeman and former Michigan state representative Dave Agema is a swell guy. He once, in the midst of a state budget showdown, skipped some key votes so he could hunt sheep in Russia. (True fact: The sheep were afraid, but not of getting shot!) Another time, he complained taxpayers were spending too much on clothes for orphans. And still another time, Agema, who clearly enjoys soft-focus photography and fresh-cut flowers but hates Muslims, said Barack Obama must be a Muslim because Dave Agema just feels like that’s the case. He also likes it when riot police injure American citizens. Naturally, Michigan Republicans rewarded such sound political leadership by electing Agema to serve as a Republican National Committeeman. Because of course they did. Dave Agema isn’t done riding the crazy train just because he is now responsible for the operations of one of our republic’s two major political parties. Not by a long-shot. Wednesday afternoon he tweeted out a question that has been on his mind lately: Is that story in The Onion about Obama having a secret 19-year-old son true? Read more on RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?…
 

How Is Obama/The UN/Illuminati Forces Taking Michigan’s Guns Away Today?

How many times have you heard B. Hussein Obama or Emma Goldman or whomever tell you that reasonable gun control measures don’t mean the government will take away anyone’s guns? So often you almost believe it, right? Well, stop falling for it because (insert Drudge siren) THEY ARE TAKING OUR GUNS! There is a veritable orgy of gun grabbing going on in Michigan right now! Government bureaucrats are “investigating” ways to prevent people from committing suicide at a suburban Detroit gun range that rents weapons. [Royal Oak City Commissioner Peggy Goodwin] considers suicide a public health issue and is calling for a three-pronged approach in Royal Oak: making the public more aware of suicide prevention resources, such as Common Ground; finding out if incident-free shooting ranges are doing something more than Target Sports does; and possibly passing a local law to require Target Sports to improve its operation. Goodwin suggested an instructor or range master stay with people on the shooting range. To the untrained eye that may sound reasonable, but brave patriots know this “investigation,” like fluoridated water, is just laying the groundwork for a Fascist plot to prevent freedom-loving Americans from exercising their God-given right to bear arms against themselves. Most suicides are the tragic consequence of mental illness, but what if a Constitution-loving American, sworn to protect the republic against all enemies foreign or domestic, discovers that he is himself a threat to liberty? Why is the government preventing that brave citizen from taking care of the existential threat to his liberty that is himself? Are they in cahoots with him, that is the part of him that hates his own freedom? Can we take that chance? Read more on How Is Obama/The UN/Illuminati Forces Taking Michigan’s Guns Away Today?…
  transvagtastic

Big Joel Johnson, State Representative, Wants To Be Michigan’s Vagina Inspector

Michigan has passed so many crazy laws recently that you’d think there weren’t any ways left to make this place more like Mississippi with snow. Well, you’d be wrong. State Rep. Joel Johnson wants to compel doctors to stick a thing into ladies’ lady parts before then can have an abortion. Read more on Big Joel Johnson, State Representative, Wants To Be Michigan’s Vagina Inspector…
 

Detroit’s Abandoned Packard Plant Was Never A Concentration Camp, You Guys

Detroit’s decrepit Packard Plant is famous for many things. Auto workers used to make Packards there, hence the name. They stopped doing that in 1958. Then it became this stupid metaphorical abstraction used by parachute journalists to describe all of Detroit’s suffering and problems. Banksy once (allegedly) painted a mural there and it really made everyone think! The Packard also served as the setting for a superhero-themed gay porno. Because, why not? Recently, the Packard Plant became home to some guerrilla art that is, ummm, controversial. Yeah, let’s go with that. “Arbeit macht frei” (work makes you free) — three of the most profane and chilling words ever written — has been posted on the overpass of the mostly abandoned Packard Plant on the city’s east side. The phrase is a shocking and mocking reference to the infamous words posted over the entrance ways to a number of Nazi concentration camps during World War II, including Auschwitz, the horrific camp set up in Poland. How many ways is this stupid? Let’s count. Read more on Detroit’s Abandoned Packard Plant Was Never A Concentration Camp, You Guys…
  that's not racial transcendence

South Carolina Republican Bravely Tweets Similarities Between Trayvon Martin, Super Bowl

Meet Todd Kincannon. This tall drink of water is the former executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, an attorney, and the community organizer of something on Twitter called the Twitter Gulag Defense Network or #tgdn. Todd Kincannon is also a man with some very strong opinions about last night’s Super Bowl. This Super Bowl sucks more dick than adult Trayvon Martin would have for drug money. — Todd Kincannon (@ToddKincannon) February 4, 2013 So, yeah, wow…it’s…huh… Read more on South Carolina Republican Bravely Tweets Similarities Between Trayvon Martin, Super Bowl…
  getting gay while going galt

Detroit’s Libertarian Belle Isle Plan Basically Gayer Fire Island With Lower Taxes

Meet Joe. Joe has no last name but he is a 6’2″ Syrian-American doctor with blond hair and blue eyes. In the self-published novel “Belle Isle: Detroit’s Game Changer,” Joe returns to his native Detroit to visit the quasi-independent protectorate/libertarian paradise of Belle Isle after living and running a hospital in Damascus for the past 20 years. “Belle Isle: Detroit’s Game Changer,” as you may have guessed, is an attempt to win hearts and minds for that plan to buy Detroit’s signature public park for one billion dollars, secede from Michigan, and build a tax-free gated community for going Galt. It is an interesting book. The author, senior housing developer Rod Lockwood (double phallus!), has a propensity to dress like Lord Voldermort. The typeface is also large so you can zip through the 144 pages in no time! Read more on Detroit’s Libertarian Belle Isle Plan Basically Gayer Fire Island With Lower Taxes…
  weekend at kwame's

America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail

If any Wonketteers happens to be in the vicinity of DC meat landmark “Benz Chili Bowl,” it would be really great if you could pick up an original chili half smoke for Detroit’s sexty ex-mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. What you’re gonna wanna do is hide a file inside the delicious pork treat and send it to Kwame care of the “Detroit Reentry Center,” where Kwame will be spending the weekend. Kwame, who spent the majority of his mayoral tenure texting about R. Kelly songs and blow jobs, will be back in jail this weekend for hiding monies from his probation officer. All told, he committed 14 probation violations. Read more on America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail…
  death and taxes

Phil ‘Not Tiger Woods’ Mickelson May Quit Golf To Teach Obama, Moochers A Lesson

You know how, whenever the Powerball payout gets really big, someone wanders around your office collecting for a lottery pool? And you know how there is always one guy who takes that moment to explain that winning the lottery isn’t so great because taxes? By the time lottery winners take the smaller lump-sum payment and all the taxes are paid, he loudly explains, that $100 million payout is suddenly only worth like $25-$30 million. And if other people also picked the same numbers, then the prize is split. And then you have to split that with everyone else in the pool. Probably, if you win, you’ll only end up with a a million or two and who can even live on that? Turns out professional golfer Phil Mickelson is basically that guy. The mullety Garfunkel to Tiger Woods’ Simon is really mad the gub’mint is taxing his golf earnings at a slightly higher marginal rate, so he might quit playing a game that paid him $67 million last year. Read more on Phil ‘Not Tiger Woods’ Mickelson May Quit Golf To Teach Obama, Moochers A Lesson…
  four touchdowns against polk high

Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!

Where were you at noon on January 21, 2013? As a patriotic American, you were probably watching or listening to President Barack Obama’s inauguration speech about how our national quest for that more perfect union “guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall.” Stirring stuff. And, as a patriotic American, you were probably like: “Yay America and yay democracy!” Because you care about the future of our republic. But not everyone is a patriotic American. For instance a group of Ayn Rand weirdos gathered at the Detroit Athletic Club during the inauguration to discuss their plot to build a tax-free Puerto Rico-style protectorate on Detroit’s Belle Isle, one of the finest public park spaces in the nation. Read more on Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!…
  worst galt ever

Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks

Sitting in the middle of the Detroit River is Belle Isle, one of the nation’s finest urban public parks. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted of Central Park fame. Unfortunately, Belle Isle isn’t in the best condition right now because Detroit is super poor. There exists a perfectly reasonable plan to make Belle Isle a state park so Michigan taxpayers can fund maintenance of this beloved landmark in the state’s largest city, as they do for comparable parks across the state. Naturally, this will never happen because Detroit doesn’t end up like Detroit by accident. It takes a lot of incompetence and inaction. Read more on Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks…
  what could go wrong?

Schools To Get Blowed Up By Terrorists, Says Man Who Really Really Wants To Carry Gun At Schools

Matt Davis is a renaissance man. He’s a former GOP spokesman, a columnist, and a fan of armed insurrection. He also sounds like a raving paranoid. It is against the law to carry concealed weapons at schools, but Matt Davis cares not for these burdensome rules that deny him the right to protect his children from purely imaginary threats. My worst fear: Dozens of terrorist sleeper cells, with five or six men each, would activate roughly at the same time and attack designated schools across the country. I’d be at work, and I would be helpless to retrieve my children and keep them safe from maniacs. I imagined further that, from a terrorist’s point of view, these attacks would have a dramatic, profound effect on our collective psyche: No parent would allow his child to return to school to long as they were not secure from violent, lethal attacks. Our economy and economic security wouldn’t just hiccup; it would collapse. From that point on, whenever I went to school for some reason (a forgotten lunch; a teacher conference; etc.), as I approached the school I would instinctively feel my right side for that which I knew wasn’t there: A handgun. What an injustice! Matt Davis was denied the right to defend his children from a sleeper cell of terrorists attacking their school while he was dropping off their lunch! It’s unconscionable. Read more on Schools To Get Blowed Up By Terrorists, Says Man Who Really Really Wants To Carry Gun At Schools…
  how are we blaming single mothers today?

Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms

Among the city of Detroit’s multitude of problems is crime. Well, not crime so much as murder. The city of 700,000-ish averaged about one murder a day in 2012 even as officials claim crime overall fell. Just like on The Wire! Nothing shady about crime down/murders up statistics at all. But why is Detroit so murder-y? The answer is Barack HUSSEIN Obama, natch. He’s the one killing people everyday in Detroit. No wait, that’s not right. Try this: Barack Obama is responsible for all of Detroit’s out-of-wedlock births. You know, because “the females” can’t resist his sexy charms. No wait, that’s not right. Here it is: Obama isn’t impregnating Detroit’s women. He’s just not stopping them from getting preggers, according to dumb Detroit News editorial cartoonist Henry Payne. Read more on Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms…