Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat
When Sen. Carl Levin announced he wasn’t running for re-election in 2014, he didn’t just retire with class, befitting his distinguished record of public service, but he also gave this nation a great gift: Nearly two years of speculation about Michigan’s 2014 Senate race. It came not a moment too soon because America was quickly [...]
‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS
New American hero Mike Frey isn’t just an ordinary “concerned Minnesotan.” He is also a husband and father, so you can understand why he is so concerned about this gay marriage thing. He’s agin it and he wants to make sure Minnesota lawmakers are also agin this “gay marriage.” See, married people have sex. Like [...]
Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy
Today is International Women’s Day, which means two things. First, we have to listen to people say stupid things like: “I’m not a sexist, but why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?” The correct answer to that question is International Men’s Day is in November and the more correct answer is (read in your best [...]
Let’s All Watch Retiring Sen. Carl Levin Yelling At Bankers Before It Was Cool
Six-term U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) announced today he’ll retire when his term ends in 2014. The professorial/grandfatherly senator was known for rumpled suits, huge combover, glasses tenuously perched on the edge of his nose, and dragging the banking industry’s worst dreck before a committee hearing to tear them new assholes. While other senators (LIZ [...]
Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager
The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-”right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency [...]
New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration
“These are the times that try men’s souls,” Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice. Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence [...]
New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson
The Michigan Democratic Party elected Lon Johnson as their new chairman Saturday. But you should know that Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is not the Lon Johnson who, in addition to starring in over 1300 adult films, operates the Lon Johnson School of Acting. They are two different guys. You can tell them apart [...]
How Is Obama/The UN/Illuminati Forces Taking Michigan’s Guns Away Today?
How many times have you heard B. Hussein Obama or Emma Goldman or whomever tell you that reasonable gun control measures don’t mean the government will take away anyone’s guns? So often you almost believe it, right? Well, stop falling for it because (insert Drudge siren) THEY ARE TAKING OUR GUNS! There is a veritable [...]
Big Joel Johnson, State Representative, Wants To Be Michigan’s Vagina Inspector
Michigan has passed so many crazy laws recently that you’d think there weren’t any ways left to make this place more like Mississippi with snow. Well, you’d be wrong. State Rep. Joel Johnson wants to compel doctors to stick a thing into ladies’ lady parts before then can have an abortion. Technically, the procedure is [...]
Detroit’s Abandoned Packard Plant Was Never A Concentration Camp, You Guys
Detroit’s decrepit Packard Plant is famous for many things. Auto workers used to make Packards there, hence the name. They stopped doing that in 1958. Then it became this stupid metaphorical abstraction used by parachute journalists to describe all of Detroit’s suffering and problems. Banksy once (allegedly) painted a mural there and it really made [...]
South Carolina Republican Bravely Tweets Similarities Between Trayvon Martin, Super Bowl
Meet Todd Kincannon. This tall drink of water is the former executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, an attorney, and the community organizer of something on Twitter called the Twitter Gulag Defense Network or #tgdn. Todd Kincannon is also a man with some very strong opinions about last night’s Super Bowl. This Super [...]
Detroit’s Libertarian Belle Isle Plan Basically Gayer Fire Island With Lower Taxes
Meet Joe. Joe has no last name but he is a 6’2″ Syrian-American doctor with blond hair and blue eyes. In the self-published novel “Belle Isle: Detroit’s Game Changer,” Joe returns to his native Detroit to visit the quasi-independent protectorate/libertarian paradise of Belle Isle after living and running a hospital in Damascus for the past [...]
America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail
If any Wonketteers happens to be in the vicinity of DC meat landmark “Benz Chili Bowl,” it would be really great if you could pick up an original chili half smoke for Detroit’s sexty ex-mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. What you’re gonna wanna do is hide a file inside the delicious pork treat and send it to [...]
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