Author Archives: Jeff Wattrick

Full Name: Jeff Wattrick Website:
Info: Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.
  creeping sharia

A Children’s Treasury Of Reactions As Al Jazeera America’s Sharia Plot Creeps Into Detroit

As everyone who watches Fox News unironically knows, Dearborn, Michigan, is filled with Islamist sleeper cells just waiting to be activated by an Al Jazeera anchor instructing them to play a nice game of Halal solitaire. With the go code delivered, these Muslim terrorists will rise up and strike at America’s Arsenal of Democracy, reducing the city of Detroit into a bombed-out, nearly vacant ghost town of a city. Oh, that won’t happen! shouts the blame America first/excuse terrorism sheeple who just want free stuff from Obama’s Sharia socialist usurper regime even if it means your children will be sent to madrassas. Even if that does happen, the sheeple continue, it won’t happen for a long, long time. Yeah, that’s just what they want you to think. The Jihad is going to happen sooner rather than later, you guys, because Al Jazeera is cold opening a bureau in Detroit! Right by all those sleeper cells in Dearborn! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Reactions As Al Jazeera America’s Sharia Plot Creeps Into Detroit…
  whiners

Leave Dave Agema Alone, Cries Lispy Homophobe Stalker Andrew Shirvell

Oh my God, you guys, those awful gays just refuse to stop bullying poor Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema just because he likes to repeat defamatory lies about gays, many of whom live in the magical far away place known as the “Flight Attendant Realm” where they have wild orgies, plot half the murders in major cities, and (lesbians only) drive so recklessly that they are 534 times more likely to die in auto accidents. Subaru libel! Anyway, it seems like no one will defend delicate flower Dave Agema from these vicious people orientated toward sex partners with genitalia similar to their own. These gays are more powerful than one million atom bombs, sure, but someone must be brave enough to say: No, gays, this is still America and you cannot advance your gay lifestyle agenda by criticizing ignorant bigots for their ignorance and bigotry. Read more on Leave Dave Agema Alone, Cries Lispy Homophobe Stalker Andrew Shirvell…
 

Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not

So remember Thad McCotter? The nobody Congressman who ran for president of the Iowa Straw Poll and lost, and then failed to gather enough real petition signatures to run for reelection, and then quit Congress in a blaze of glory and banal Dylan lyrics as his former staffers were about to be indicted for petition fraud? Yeah, that Thad McCotter. But maybe Thad wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe he was a patsy. A pigeon. A mark. Someone nefarious forces could put in a frame and take control of the all-powerful 10th Congressional District of Michigan. And maybe those nefarious forces intentionally forged those petition signatures so McCotter would get caught and They could House of Cards replace him with Their hand-picked Congressman to do their bidding in western Wayne County Michigan. It all makes perfect sense. Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Yr Wonket’s Thaddeus. But he didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all along. Read more on Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not…
  the plane! the plane!

RNC Bigot/Ex-Pilot Dave Agema Talks About His Issues Inside Homosexual ‘Flight Attendant Realm’

Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema got away with saying Obama and pretty much every terrorist is a Muslim and cutting funding to orphans and skipping budget votes to shoot sheep so it’s no wonder that he’s genuinely surprised other Republicans are now very upset because he turned his trademark awfulness toward the gays. So Agema has gone on the offensive, explaining to a northern Michigan radio host that when he says gays are a terrible threat to our collective health and safety, he’s basically just agreeing with the current Republican platform. Like a stopped clock, even Dave Agema can be right a couple times a day! Agema also explains why gay rights is a deeply person issue for him, just as it is a deeply personal issue for Rob Portman. As a silver fox commercial airline pilot, Agema is a walking gay porn archetype and, well, he can explain it: “I’ve been involved in this issue for years, way back when I worked for American Airlines this became an issue, because we had, you know obviously we had a lot of homosexuals in the flight attendant realm, and, uhh, we had issues.” Read more on RNC Bigot/Ex-Pilot Dave Agema Talks About His Issues Inside Homosexual ‘Flight Attendant Realm’…
  that's so gay

Everyone So Mad At Terrible Michigan RNC Committeeman Homophobe Dave Agema Being Terrible

Dave Agema, the Republican National Committeeman from Michigan and former state representative, is a Wonkette favorite. Wonketeers love him for his charming efforts to cut funding to a program that buys clothes for orphans, his willingness to miss key budget votes to shoot Siberian sheep, his fondness for tear-gassing American citizens, his deep-abiding belief that Barack Obama must be a Muslim, his endless curiosity about The Onion’s Obama has a secret 19-year-old son story, and his trophy wife that Wonkette commenter “Barbara_” says came engraved “fourth place.” Sadly, not everyone loves Dave Agema like you guys love him. Lots of mean, old Republicans are upset with Agema because he Facebooked a column from this right-wing witchdoctor that’s filled with erroneous information about teh gheys. It’s like, what, suddenly now it’s a problem to say “homosexuals account for half the murders in large cities”? Whatever happened to free speech and family values and the God-given right to kick homos in the teeth? With votes. Those things are gone now apparently. Even Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger, who once bravely protected us from the horrors of the word “vagina” being uttered on the state house floor, is joining this lavander mob that’s bullying poor Dave Agema for repeating things that are easily disprovable and mostly implausible on their face. Read more on Everyone So Mad At Terrible Michigan RNC Committeeman Homophobe Dave Agema Being Terrible…
  excess ain't rebellion

Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent

Remember last year when angry old sportswriter Harry “Buzz” Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney because Mittens was totally lying about everything? It was probably non-sports fans’ first introduction to the douchepile that is Buzz Bissinger, so here is a quick primer. Back when the internet consisted of three Star Trek fans on a dial-up message board, Bissinger wrote a very good book about Texas high school football, which became a decent movie about Texas high school football, which inspired an incredible tv show about how Texas high school football teams only have to play well in the second half to win because of inspirational words. Bissinger has literally coasted on that book since the Soviet Union was still a thing. More recently, Bissinger is basically known as the guy who yelled at Deadspin’s Will Leitch because Bissinger couldn’t understand the difference between blog posts and blog comments. He also wrote an insufferable book about St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa to refute the idea that Nate Silver-style gay math helps explain baseball. And, of course, there was that whole endorsing Mittens because he knew Mittens was a liar. Tuesday we learned that Buzz Bissinger is a worse human being than anyone previously imagined. Read more on Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent…
  surprise surprise surprise

Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault

So remember last year when Michigan’s Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder passed Right-To-Work like a ninja without so much as a committee hearing or an acknowledgment that Right to Work was something he wanted to do? Yeah, that was fun. And remember how all those union thugs — teachers, nurses, autoworkers, society’s dregs mostly — protested this stunning public policy shift because they mistakenly believed citizens should protest government actions with which they disagree? Heh. Isn’t that just like those filthy “wage earners” who refuse to understand that working for pay is socialist, which is why the U.S. tax code rightly penalizes people for trading their labor for pay instead of just living off investment income like real American heroes? Remember how, back then, we thought there was one man brave enough to stand up to the Saul Alinksy tactics of this unhinged union thug mob? We speak of Fox News’ brave observational rape comedian/disappointed “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” viewer Steve Crowder. At those protests last December, a so-called “worker” punched Crowder for no other reason than he didn’t like Crowder’s defense of the right to legislate against workers’ bargaining power. Read more on Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault…
  they just keep coming and coming and

Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat

When Sen. Carl Levin announced he wasn’t running for re-election in 2014, he didn’t just retire with class, befitting his distinguished record of public service, but he also gave this nation a great gift: Nearly two years of speculation about Michigan’s 2014 Senate race. It came not a moment too soon because America was quickly tiring of increasingly monotonous Ashley Judd Senate buzz. Thankfully, the Levin retirement means several months of idle speculation about who’s running to replace him. The likely front-runners are Reps. Gary Peters (D) and Mike Rogers (R), and while it might be tempting to leave it there until the campaign begins for real next summer, or at least until people actually announce they’re really running, that would be economically irresponsible. Can you imagine the economic devastation if we just stopped caring about the artificial endless campaign? Jobs would be lost, and not only at Politico and the cable news networks. Think of the dry cleaners and bartenders and other workers who might suffer because the now-unemployable Mike Allens of the world would be reduced to wearing sweats and drinking Night Train from the bottle. Is that the change you promised, NOBAMA? Thankfully America is an exceptional nation with exceptionally intense campaign reporting. This is why Yr Wonket can tell you that while Brother of Mitt “Scott” Romney will not run for Levin’s seat, his daughter Ronna Romney McDaniel “maybe” will run. That’s how they do. You stop one Romney and they’ll throw like 14 more right at you. Read more on Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat…
  This sounds right

‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS

New American hero Mike Frey isn’t just an ordinary “concerned Minnesotan.” He is also a husband and father, so you can understand why he is so concerned about this gay marriage thing. He’s agin it and he wants to make sure Minnesota lawmakers are also agin this “gay marriage.” See, married people have sex. Like all the time. It’s crazy how much married people like to smoosh their privates together with each other. If the gays get married, then they’ll start having sex too. Like all the time. If the gays start having sex — they’re mostly celibate now — like those bunny-humping marrieds, it’ll be “sodomy.” That will spread AIDS. Because AIDS is caused, Mike Frey explains, by sperm getting into the colon and mixing with the enzymes. This is bad because AIDS can lead to “colds.” (Note: This man does not seem to be suffering from schizophrenia, so feel free to point and laugh liberal-guilt-free.) Read more on ‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS…
  first they came for the kwames

Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time

This is really sad, you guys. Just because a federal jury decided that you can’t run a city like it was your personal organized crime family, former Detroit Mayor/convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick, a man Russell Simmons once called the “Hip Hop Mayor,” may never again enjoys the epicurean delights of Washington DC landmark “Benz Chili Bowl.” You may remember that Kilpatrick enjoyed Washington DC’s signature chilidog joint so much he delayed a visit to his Chief of Staff/mistress Christine Beatty, a woman who once wondered if there was a wrong way to fellate her mayor. Read more on Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time…
  public service announcement

Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy

Today is International Women’s Day, which means two things. First, we have to listen to people say stupid things like: “I’m not a sexist, but why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?” The correct answer to that question is International Men’s Day is in November and the more correct answer is (read in your best Hank Hill voice): “Shut up. You don’t really want to celebrate International Men’s Day. Stop being a baby always manufacturing fake controversies so you can feign outrage.” The other thing thing that, apparently, happens on International Women’s Day is people lose their crap over a perfectly reasonable suggestion that men should not ever rape women. Zerlina Maxwell said as much on Fox News and now she is…wait for it…receiving rape threats. Read more on Honestly, You Guys, ‘Not Raping’ Is Actually Really Easy…
  the way we were

Let’s All Watch Retiring Sen. Carl Levin Yelling At Bankers Before It Was Cool

Six-term U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) announced today he’ll retire when his term ends in 2014. The professorial/grandfatherly senator was known for rumpled suits, huge combover, glasses tenuously perched on the edge of his nose, and dragging the banking industry’s worst dreck before a committee hearing to tear them new assholes. While other senators (LIZ WARREN LIBEL) were busy not doing anything because what’s the point if you can’t get 59 friends to do it with you, Levin used his position as Chairman of the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations to bring the thunder down on Wall Street. America will be a lesser place without Levin’s unmitigated contempt for the shaved and fumigated conmen who nearly destroyed the American economy. So let us take this moment to remember some of Sen. Levin’s finest moments yelling at banksters. Read more on Let’s All Watch Retiring Sen. Carl Levin Yelling At Bankers Before It Was Cool…
  literally

Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager

The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-“right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency manager to gut pensions restructure the city’s finances. Emergency management is a pretty severe budget-cutting process but Detroit is in such bad shape that even the guy who runs something called michiganliberal.com is like: Yeah, Detroit kind of needs this pain. Which is true because Detroit has been on the brink of running out of cash for the better part of a year, but it’s also one of those things where what did people expect? When a region of 4.4 million people literally concentrates its poverty and abandonment in a city of 700,000 (with an ever-shrinking middle-class population, fed up with a municipality with both high taxes and poor public services) things can only end badly. But why wallow in these big issues of “good governance” and “regionalism” when we can speculate who Snyder will select as Detroit’s very own Chris Traeger? Even national pundits like Charles Lane and David Weigel are getting into it. On “Fox News Sunday,” Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane suggested the former GOP presidential nominee and turnaround expert at private equity firm Bain Capital should get the job of turning Detroit around. “You do see that Mitt Romney is a person with a lot of ability and a lot of energy. Who still has got a lot to contribute, and, you know, his hometown of Detroit, right now, has just been put into state receivership or it’s about to be,” Lane said. “I wonder if there is no role for him in the restructuring of Detroit. He’d be the perfect person to do it. He has got the expertise, he’s a hometown guy, and he is a kind of a political free agent at this point. That is the kind of thing that he could, I think, contribute in the future.” Last week, Dave Weigel writing in a piece for the online magazine Slate titled “Give Detroit to Mitt Romney,” first suggested the move. This is a terrible idea and not just because Mittens is an insufferably entitled twit with no experience with municipal finance. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager…
  that'll show 'em

New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice. Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence and the blessings of liberty anymore so much as fretting about how Congress can’t seem to figure out to trim the deficit without screwing over vital government services. Or mildly inconveniencing the military-industrial complex and wealthy Americans, who are currently subject to historically low taxation. Mainly, Congress doesn’t want to do bother the defense contractors and rich people. It’s a well-established fact that men’s (and women’s) souls were made of stronger stuff back in 1776. “The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in the crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it NOW, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman,” Paine continued. Who will be the winter warrior to lead America out of this (wholly manufactured) crisis of “sequestration”? Well, Wonketteers, look no further. We’ve found such a person to save our republic from absurd Inside The Beltway groupthink, a man that even Bonnie Tyler would call a hero. His name is Bruce Fries, of the Washington DC Fries, and he is strong, and he is fast, and he is fresh from the fight. Tomorrow, Fries will stand up to the politicians by bravely driving around with his hazard lights flashing! According to his press release, he wants you to join him in this heroic and in no way ineffectual effort to influence our elected leaders. Read more on New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration…
  big johnsons

New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson

The Michigan Democratic Party elected Lon Johnson as their new chairman Saturday. But you should know that Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is not the Lon Johnson who, in addition to starring in over 1300 adult films, operates the Lon Johnson School of Acting. They are two different guys. You can tell them apart because porn Lon Johnson looks like Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher, while Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson has that weird Eddie Munster thing going on with the front of his hair, like Paul Ryan. Also, instead of appearing in such notable works of erotic cinema as “Gang Bang The Drum Slowly” and the chilling dystopian fantasy “Nineteen Eighty Porn,” Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson runs a venture capital firm and is married to Obama deputy campaign director/scourge of your email inbox Julianna Smoot. The non-porn Johnson has big plans for the Democrats. For instance, he wants to “[b]uild a new party executive structure so that we can better support our historical allies, while also starting new conversations with emerging Democratic…” OH MY GOD, Michigan Democratic Party chairman Lon Johnson is so boring. Let’s learn more about porn Lon Johnson and his “Johnson Technique.” Porn makes us larf. Read more on New Michigan Democratic Party Chairman Lon Johnson Is NOT The Lee Strasberg Of Porn Lon Johnson…
  absent black dads

RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?

Republican National Committeeman and former Michigan state representative Dave Agema is a swell guy. He once, in the midst of a state budget showdown, skipped some key votes so he could hunt sheep in Russia. (True fact: The sheep were afraid, but not of getting shot!) Another time, he complained taxpayers were spending too much on clothes for orphans. And still another time, Agema, who clearly enjoys soft-focus photography and fresh-cut flowers but hates Muslims, said Barack Obama must be a Muslim because Dave Agema just feels like that’s the case. He also likes it when riot police injure American citizens. Naturally, Michigan Republicans rewarded such sound political leadership by electing Agema to serve as a Republican National Committeeman. Because of course they did. Dave Agema isn’t done riding the crazy train just because he is now responsible for the operations of one of our republic’s two major political parties. Not by a long-shot. Wednesday afternoon he tweeted out a question that has been on his mind lately: Is that story in The Onion about Obama having a secret 19-year-old son true? Read more on RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?…