Jeff Wattrick

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Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

Pedophile’s Wife Tells Matt Lauer Poor Jerry Sandusky Was Framed

If we want to be bleeding heart about it, pedophiles like former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky are monsters in the truest sense of the word. As Wikipedia explains, "the word 'monster' derives from Latin monstrum, an aberrant...

In Which Allen Iverson Explains The NFL Scouting Combine To Tom Friedman

Let’s imagine Tom Friedman is in an Indianapolis taxi driving to Lucas Oil Stadium for the NFL Scouting Combine. Tom Friedman asks the cab driver what he thinks about the NFL Scouting Combine because that would be a most...

How Will ‘Orwellian’ Hero Pollster Frank Luntz ‘Luntz-Up’ Sportsball?

GOP pollster Frank Luntz is the kind of hired gun political hack who can, with a straight face, say stuff like: "To be 'Orwellian' is to speak with absolute clarity, to be succinct, to explain what the event is,...

Vince Lombardi Was Totally Gay For Gay Football Players Because Vince Lombardi Wasn’t A Jerk

When Michael Sam is drafted — it should be a matter of when not if, because if Sam liked lady bits, there would no question he would get drafted — Sam would be the first openly gay professional athlete in...

Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy

As everyone knows the only real racists anymore are the blacks because they racistly always have to remind real Americans (the job creators who keep sunscreen manufacturers profitable) that life in this country wasn’t, you know, all that great...

Michigan College President Really Tired Of Government Always Counting Those ‘Dark Ones’

Probably today everyone at Hillsdale College, located near Michigan's not-terribly-Irish "Irish Hills," is longing for that simpler time when their president was only a creepy weirdo who (allegedly) sexed his daughter-in-law until she committed suicide. This being an actual...

Michigan Lady Might Run For Office Even Though She Has Children, What Is Even Up With That

Michigan's next gubernatorial election is only 15 months away and the match-up is pretty much set. Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder is expected to face likely Democratic challenger Mark Schauer. Naturally the only responsible thing to do now is to speculate...

Voice Of Michigan Wolverines Football Thinks Tiger Woods & All The Blacks Should Be Proud Of Fried Chicken Eating Ways

Frank Beckmann, the long-time radio voice of the University of Michigan and severely Caucasian right-wing radio host/newspaper columnist, took time out from his normal activities (holding hands with football coaches and singing Josh Groban songs) to explain to his...

The Only Thing Worse Than Abercrombie & Fitch Is This Anti-Abercrombie & Fitch Movement

Apparently the sack of crap CEO of awful mall store Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jeffries, said he doesn't like it when you fuglies shop at his stores. He said this to Salon back in 2006 but apparently it took seven...

Even Conservatives Are Liberal In The Greatest Place Ever, British Columbia

Imagine for a second a place where there are vibrant, diverse cities near majestic mountains and oceans and lakes, where the climate is temperate but never Arizona hot, where there is universal health care and gay marriage, where recreational marijuana...

Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior

Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won't get married when you're really young. "Some people could marry, but choose to take more...

Your Tuesday Nice Time: DC Imam Marries Gay Couples, For Creeping Sharia

So it turns out there is this super rad Islamic cleric in Washington, DC, who marries gay couples because, like decent people of all faiths, Imam Daayiee Abdullah just ignores the crazy medieval stuff and focuses on the let's just love...

What Are Your Modern Job-Creating Economic Libertarian Supermen Driving Today?

This 2008-2011 model Ford Focus SES spotted in downtown Detroit probably doesn't belong to the real John Galt, the one with a verified Twitter account or whatever. The real John Galt's car would have that magic static electricity motor....

Here Is Rick Santorum Spreading Leadership To High Schoolers In Totally Non-Political Way

So remember that dumb thing about Rick Santorum speaking/not speaking to some high school students about “leadership?” Well, he did speak Wednesday at Grosse Pointe South High School and got paid $18,000 for it. That means Santorum made in...

Meet The Old White Michigan Lady Clerk Who Uses N-Word In Not At All Racist Way To Describe Black Official

Buena Vista Township sounds like some swampy patch of Florida where Jack Lemmon or Al Pacino might try to sell you real estate, but it’s not. It’s worse. Buena Vista Township is this miserable flat place near Saginaw, Michigan,...

Oh Look, An Actual Shadow Government Conspiracy Called ‘Skunk Works’ Is Happening In Michigan

Let's say you are Michigan nerd-governor Rick Snyder's chief information officer David Behen and let's say you had a fun idea for a school voucher policy. How would you go about making your special plan a reality? Would you go...