Author Archives: Jamie Kilstein

  heaven is a place where nothing ever happens

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Oh No Here Comes An Atheist

Since many of MSNBC’s afternoon shows have fallen flat and Dylan Ratigan left to find himself, the network had to act fast. So what do many of these boring shows with blah ratings have in common? Only one host! So MSNBC thought, our ratings will HAVE to go up if we have a show with FIVE hosts right?! It’s basic MATH! Here we come Fox News! Five people limping towards the finish line. So now we have The Cycle. You know, like your period! One of the hosts of The Cycle is S.E Cupp. A Republican and an atheist. So you would think since she doesn’t believe Jesus is coming on horseback to slay the Jews and Gays she may be smarter than your average Republican. But it appears to sell books she needs to be a self-hating atheist. IT IS SO HARD 2 B SMART! Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Oh No Here Comes An Atheist…
 

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: 9/11 Is The 9/11 Of Health Care Analogies

Well, 9/11 officially became the new Hitler this week as Republican Congressman Mike Pence likened the Supreme Court ruling on “Obamacare” to the attacks that killed 2,996 people and injured more than 6,000. I guess at least, if that happens again, that’ll be 6,000 people that will now have health insurance in case they happen to be in another building that A PLANE CRASHES INTO! The Affordable Care Act could be way better. I know it is a giveaway to the health insurance companies, but millions of people will now have coverage and this is step one in going after state-by-state single-payer, so people don’t die in the streets. But, you may say, why should we reward the companies that have been killing those people for decades? I KNOW! SHUT UP! But are Republicans even trying anymore? It’s like they have a word bank of crap that octogenarians are afraid of and they just randomly pull it out every time something they don’t like happens. JOE BIDEN IS A BLACK TEENAGER! SANDRA FLUKE IS AN ABORTION! Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: 9/11 Is The 9/11 Of Health Care Analogies…
  jigglies

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Why Isn’t Adam Carolla Funny?

If you have ever thought to yourself, “Boy, I sure wish I knew what the old guy who used to watch girls bounce on trampolines, while trying to slur out a coherent sentence, and who I assumed was dead, thinks about women” then you are in luck! Adam Carolla is alive and well and saying words in public again! I was not going to write about this because no one wants to pay attention to a sexist, or keep the awful narrative of “are women funny??” in our smoggy ether, but the reactions I got from my liberal followers on Twitter and Facebook were horrifying enough to warrant a column. For those who do not know what was said because you were Googling important events like “Trayvon Martin case updates” or “Supreme Court decision on health care” or “Mubarak….Zombie?” instead of typing, “MAN SHOW RULES TITS A/S/L INTERCOURSE!! FULL FRONTAL NO HAIRY BUSH”, here is what happened: Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Why Isn’t Adam Carolla Funny?…
  this week in mexicans

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Anchor Babies Away!

Republicans are mad at Mexican lover Barack Obama because he wants to temporarily not destroy the lives of brown people who have lived in America pretty much their whole life by renditioning them to a country they have never lived in so they can starve in a lonely wasteland of fear. Go get em GOP! Always on the side of the little guy. We all know America is the greatest country in the world and everyone wants to come here for our shattered economy, fried twinkies, and so they can take part in murdering Arab children with sky robots. The problem is we are SO good that now we have to start being selective! This is why besides deporting old gross Mexicans and their demon music, some people want to go after their children who were raised here, made friends here, went to school here, loved here, and even fought in our illegal wars! (And some people want to go after their children who were born here, which is a whole other level of fucked-up racist.) Now many people who believe in strong immigration laws have a good point. Why should some weird-talker come in to our country when WE EARNED our stay by having our parents fuck here. Do you know how much effort it takes as a ghost sperm to convince your mom to fuck your dad? A. LOT. Don’t tell us we didn’t earn our keep. Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Anchor Babies Away!…
  new column!

Sunday With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: God Is Dead, Scott Walker Lives

Scott Walker kept his seat and Ray Bradbury died last week, proving once and for all the world is a horrible place, and that if there is a God, he’s dead. God is dead. Now that it’s been a few days and we are done mourning (because a new episode of The Killing is on tonight!), let us look back and examine just who this low-life dribble of accident cum Scott Walker is! Join me!! Scott Walker is the Hosni Mubarak of Wisconsin. Granted, Mubarak was appointed after his predecessor was gunned down, and Walker was voted in, but I like to pretend the good people of Wisconsin would never have done such a thing. Someone must have been shot, right? Right! So Scott Walker comes into town as this sort of vacant idiot, and like all bullies do, realizes he needs to take a manly stance of some sort. In prison, to prove you are tough, you are supposed to find the biggest guy on day one and knock him out. To prove you are a tough guy as a Republican, you need to find the smallest or most isolated minority group and punch them in their tiny oppressed faces. Since hitting a child was out of the picture, he decided to crack down on unions, which most people didn’t even think exist anymore. Way to hold truth to power, asshole. Read more on Sunday With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: God Is Dead, Scott Walker Lives…
  fight! fight! fight!

Why I Am Challenging Jonah Goldberg To A Fight For Charity, By Jamie Kilstein

I have disliked Jonah Goldberg for a very long time. For starters, he wrote a bestseller a while back called Liberal Fascism. Get it?! Liberals are like fascists….WHO MURDER PEOPLE! LOLZ! STAB! KILL! NADER!!11111 I am yet to find the relationship between wanting equal rights and a strong social safety net, as well as an end to illegal wars and torture, and…fascism, but to be fair I believe it was Adolf Hitler who once said, “I will not rest until all men and woman have free access to health care!” and then something terrible about the Jews. You see, Jonah is not very bright, but he is very tough! So tough, in fact, he wants to smash teenagers who believe in sharing! Read more on Why I Am Challenging Jonah Goldberg To A Fight For Charity, By Jamie Kilstein…