Author Archives: Jack Stuef

Full Name: Jack Stuef Website:
Info: Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.
  at times like these he used to call knut for consolation

Already Depressed Newt Gingrich Hit With Box of Glitter

Newt Gingrich’s week has been so bad that he can’t shake one person’s hand without that nobody immediately making news. First it was the “get out!” guy; now Newt has had a box of glitter dumped on him because he dislikes gays. Yes, glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at a jewelry store, but if you’re going to give Newt this tip, please just say it to him, don’t pour it on him. Also: it would probably be funnier if you covered him in gold paint. What other indignities has the jowly potato noggin been through in recent hours? Read more on Already Depressed Newt Gingrich Hit With Box of Glitter…
  it's morning in america

‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. “RCP has learned that political associates have begun to nose around quietly on Perry’s behalf.” Ooh! “Political associates!” (This was definitely written by a machine.) “The Perry chatter has been so discreet that nearly a dozen early-state GOP operatives and consultants contacted by RCP hadn’t heard a word about it.” That’s funny. Chatter that Rick Perry invented the bagel had been so discreet that all the GOP operatives we consulted said the same thing about that. [Real Clear Politics] Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?… Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?…
  unpopular game show hosts

Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever

2.) In life, events tend to follow patterns. People who commit crimes tend to be criminals, for example. Can anyone tell me any economists who have been convicted of violent sex crimes? Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes? Is it likely that just by chance this hotel maid found the only one in this category? Maybe Mr. Strauss-Kahn is guilty but if so, he is one of a kind, and criminals are not usually one of a kind. Read more on Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever…
  the pickup artist

Newt Gingrich Is a Man of Endless Treasure

“Callista Gingrich, was employed by the House Agriculture Committee until 2007, according to public records. She listed a ‘revolving charge account’ at Tiffany and Company in the liability section of her personal financial disclosure form for two consecutive years and indicated that it was her spouse’s debt. The liability was reported in the range of $250,001 to $500,000.” Above, Newt Gingrich’s official campaign song. Read more on Newt Gingrich Is a Man of Endless Treasure…
  5'11 all carbon and anusburger

American Hero Eats Sandwich

A special ceremony is planned Tuesday afternoon at McDonald’s in Fond du Lac for Don Gorske. That’s because, since 1972, Gorske has eaten at least two Big Macs a day, which means the 57-year-old will be eating his 25,000th Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first. Read more on American Hero Eats Sandwich…
  palling around with terrorists

Iowan Corners Whiny Newt Gingrich

This Iowan stole Newt Gingrich’s hand and wouldn’t give it back until the adulterer said he was sorry. We’re not sure if the whiny “I didn’t do anything to Paul Ryan!” or the smile stuck on Newt’s shiny-headed wife’s face during all of this is the best part. Read more on Iowan Corners Whiny Newt Gingrich…
  the fabric menace

Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports

Wonkette operative “Paul G.” sends in this rewritten AP article printed in the St. Petersburg Times. Look, the death of bin Laden actually resulted in a slight restoration of civil liberties! But we’re still going to call them “Muslin.” Speaking of which, are our friends on Facebook still concerned about “the Muslin’s”? Read more on Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports…
  visible boehner

Shutdown-Averting ‘Budget Package’ Actually Increases Spending This Year

Last November, the Teabaggers won the House for the Republicans, which meant government spending and all post-18th century bureaucracy was gone forever, yay. Except, that big budget deal that saved us all from government shutdown? It’s going to make the government spend more money this year than if spending had just been left alone, according to the Congressional Budget Office. But that’s because of defense spending, which shouldn’t count, as there can never be too much defense spending. Republicans are still on track to erase Washington, D.C. and its suburbs from the map, right? Read more on Shutdown-Averting ‘Budget Package’ Actually Increases Spending This Year…
  it's morning in america

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose Life? She will now get to team up with Bristol Palin (assuming she’s not one of those Messicans and can speak English or whatever it is those Palins communicate in) and parade the kid across the country as it TERMINATES teen abortion with all the strength of a grandchild of a Nazi. None of those Kennedy broads-on-the-side ever had a baby, right? That’s how you know Arnold is a Republican. And all of this is why his wife left him. [LAT] Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’… Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’…
  his primary concern is white people after all

Wingnut Broken Record: God Letting Tornadoes Happen Because He Hates Abortion, Gays, What Have You

Faith 2 Action was last seen attempting to get a fetus to testify before the Ohio legislature, but it refused to cooperate. It was an aborted attempt, you could say, har har har. They still haven’t had any creative ideas since then: Read more on Wingnut Broken Record: God Letting Tornadoes Happen Because He Hates Abortion, Gays, What Have You…
  a fake eulogy for a fake candidate

After NBC Threat, Donald Trump Finally Ends Fake Campaign

It’s been a tough few weeks for Donald Trump since the president up and released his birth certificate. America has a funny way of showing its gratitude to him for “getting the birth certificate”: he took a nosedive in the Republican presidential polls. Donald Trump was no longer able to figure out a way to insert himself into the daily news cycle. And today came the final indignity for the fake-wealthiest fake-man in the world: NBC said it didn’t need him to host Celebrity Apprentice, and the show would go for its next season without him if he ran for office. It was an admission that Americans don’t really care about him from somebody to whom Trump has to listen. And finally, the whole charade has ended with Trump’s release of the most patently false statement in press history. Read more on After NBC Threat, Donald Trump Finally Ends Fake Campaign…
  next year in jerusalem!

God Is Telling New Jew Glenn Beck To Hold Rally In Israel

Sure, we can make jokes about the world ending this Saturday, but there is suddenly ample evidence: God has chosen his most reputable media servant to go to Jerusalem and tell the Palestinians to stop existing. According to Glenn Beck, “evil” forces, the ones who so evilly allowed Arabs to overthrow their dictators, are washing into Palestine and will soon accomplish the most terrifying thing of all: peace between Israel and Palestine. NOOOOOOO! Not peace! The horror! God told Beck to hold a rally in Jerusalem to try to stop this. Hope you wingnuts can figure out how to get a passport. You and your trusty scooter got a rally in a foreign country (scary!) to attend. Read more on God Is Telling New Jew Glenn Beck To Hold Rally In Israel…
  funny pictures

CNN Accuses Newt Gingrich of Making ‘Past Discretions’

According to the Anderson Cooper teevee show on Friday, Newt Gingrich has committed “discretions” in his past. This is a serious revelation! We, and Republican voters everywhere, demand CNN release evidence Newt Gingrich has ever exercised good judgment. EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. [thanks to Wonkette operative “Benton” for the tip] Read more on CNN Accuses Newt Gingrich of Making ‘Past Discretions’…
  it's morning in america

Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore

Uh oh, you guys, a Republican presidential candidate Said a Thing Yesterday, and considering there was no higher profile candidate to trump (PUN?!) his thing, Newt Gingrich is your official Monday morning Guy Who Said a Thing Yesterday. On Meet the Press (which confirms that this happened Sunday, because if it’s Sunday), criticized the Republican Party in Congress for coming up with actual policy for once (Paul Ryan’s Budget of Wonder), calling the Medicare cuts “right-wing social engineering.” Uh, okay! We guess he is officially kicked out of the Republican Party, for criticizing it. That is usually what happens when people criticize their own party right? Or are we just trapped blogging about politics even though 99% OF POLITICS IS ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENING? [WSJ] Read more on Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore… Read more on Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore…
  great white hope

Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings

Ron Paul officially entered the field for the Republican presidential nomination today. “That’s nice,” America replied. Let’s face it: the GOP field is terrible—a collection of accidental governors who were made obsolete by the dawn of the beeper, a pizza expert, and two genial but off-putting Mormon men wearing nice shirts and ties who would like to talk to you about your feelings. The only shot at beating Obama is for the GOP to look at potential entrants who haven’t taken any steps toward running for president. And the only shot at your editor hitting eight posts today is to do this: UNDECLARED REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE POWER RANKINGS. Who is up?! Who is down?! Et cetera?! Read more on Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings…
  republicans in the news

John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast

Does anybody care about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore? Probably nobody cares about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore, but the details of this thing are just ridiculous. Here’s a thing John Ensign did: He took his mistress, the wife of his friend and mother of his children’s friends, to the National Prayer Breakfast to propose marriage to her. How romantic! God strolled into the National Prayer Breakfast, saw Ensign on one knee, said “Oh fuck this shit” to himself, and walked right back out. There are enough things in the Senate Ethics Committee report to embarrass Ensign’s children and those of his mistress’ for many lifetimes, but they already know that, because Ensign was pretty much doing it right in front of them, and then all the adults in the situation destroyed their own lives. This all sounds really hott! Read more on John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast…
  smoke 'em out of their souffle pans

George W. Bush Was Eating Souffle With His Bros When Obama Called

That’s the beginning of any good story. “I was eating souffle at Rise Restaurant with Laura and two buddies,” Bush said when asked what he was doing when he received the call from President Obama, according to an ABC News contributor who attended the event. Read more on George W. Bush Was Eating Souffle With His Bros When Obama Called…
  the best recommendation of the koran

Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden’s Inevitable Porn Stash

Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day. Whatever could he have been up to? Oh, just THE most covert masturbation sessions in all of human history. That’s right—there was a porn stash in bin Laden’s compound. It was “extensive.” Oh no! Why did we heathen Americans have to make sexual intercourse so alluring to bin Ladne’s body? Now he’ll never get into heaven. He was so close to getting into heaven! “The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video.” He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it’s that one John Edwards made?) Read more on Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden’s Inevitable Porn Stash…