Author Archives: Jack Stuef

Full Name: Jack Stuef Website:
Info: Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.
  daily briefing dept.

The Heart Bleats On

• Wonkette editor Jack Stuef decides to make this Retro Day, celebrating the rich, vile history of the crass political blog. [Wonkette] • Rail-thin recumbent biking hippie kid Dick Cheney has decided to go with his “before pic” for his memoir cover. Liz Cheney says he will try to kill and torture people with his words. [AP] • Former Cheney aide Mary Matalin more or less confirms it will violate the Geneva Conventions. [Politico] • Denial still the best way to run a War on Terror. [The Hill] • The cranky ol’ U.S. Economy takes another swipe at the youngs. Coffee-shop jobs to now list Ph.D. as requirement? [NYT] • The Secret Service is getting catty with Fox News on a proprietary micro-weblogging service! [Gawker] Read more on The Heart Bleats On…
  men's interest theories

WND: Esquire Taking Orders From White House To Destroy WND Book

This morning, Esquire‘s politics blog put up a fake joke post about WorldNetDaily’s Joseph Farah finally coming around and realizing he was wrong about President Obama’s birth certificate, and was pulling back the release of his hilarious fact-denying organization’s new book on the matter. The joke here is that it goes against the very biology of Farah to change his mind of the face of glaring facts that disprove the various conspiracy theories that are his business. But because the goal of the news media today is not to report news, but to be the first to aggregate somebody else’s work, a few media people didn’t really read it and reported this joke as fact. This is, of course, yet another plot by the White House to silence Farah, he says. Read more on WND: Esquire Taking Orders From White House To Destroy WND Book…
  tricky little kenyan

Obama Campaign Selling Carefully Worded T-Shirt That Doesn’t Actually Say He Was Born In U.S.

Here is something “amusing”: The Obama re-election campaign is selling t-shirts in exchange for donations. In a wry joke about how awful the country is that Obama claims to love, it says “MADE in the USA” and has a copy of his birth certificate on back: Read more on Obama Campaign Selling Carefully Worded T-Shirt That Doesn’t Actually Say He Was Born In U.S….
  put his extramarital affairs in context of his gaffes please!

Newt Gingrich Wipes Off Glitter, Says Very Dumb Thing

Wow, that Newt Gingrich sure is good at getting media coverage! He didn’t even have to take a bath of party favors this time. “Any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood.” HE IS “ON THE RECORD”: You cannot quote things he has said for which he has guiltily apologized, because Newt Gingrich will disavow them as “unfortunate” before you can cut the ad, which gives him SUPER TRIPLE FROZEN IMMUNITY and now you’re the ones walking on lava and look, Democrats, you’re dead, from burning, because the floor is made of lava. (Why in the world would Democrats bother to cut an attack ad against this man? He’d be a terrific foe, even if he makes a play at distracting the sober, responsible electorate with his shiny jewels.) Read more on Newt Gingrich Wipes Off Glitter, Says Very Dumb Thing…
  funny pictures

Osama Bin Laden Death Photos Look Strangely Like Rob Lowe

Wonkette operative “Matt” sends us this screengrab from SFGate.com. Is the reason the U.S. government doesn’t want us to see the bin Laden photos is that he’s too handsome? Americans aren’t going to be grossed out by them. They’re going to join up with Al Qaeda to gawk at all the pretty, ageless gentlemen. Read more on Osama Bin Laden Death Photos Look Strangely Like Rob Lowe…
  cook him in a brownie and eat him he's done

Not Waiting For Kucinich, Willie Nelson Gives Coveted Kiss-of-Death To Johnson

Presidential candidate Gary Johnson is fired up about an endorsement from country music legend Willie Nelson and the Teapot Party. Teapot: you get it? You get it. In the previous two elections, Nelson endorsed Dennis Kucinich, so you know this will vault Johnson to the presidency. (How many states will he win? That’s less clear. Either 49 or 50.) But isn’t Nelson jumping the gun a bit? Doesn’t he know Roger Simon says Kucinich will SHOWDOWN against Obama and present his toughest challenge to re-election? [Fox News] Read more on Not Waiting For Kucinich, Willie Nelson Gives Coveted Kiss-of-Death To Johnson…
  at times like these he used to call knut for consolation

Already Depressed Newt Gingrich Hit With Box of Glitter

Newt Gingrich’s week has been so bad that he can’t shake one person’s hand without that nobody immediately making news. First it was the “get out!” guy; now Newt has had a box of glitter dumped on him because he dislikes gays. Yes, glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at a jewelry store, but if you’re going to give Newt this tip, please just say it to him, don’t pour it on him. Also: it would probably be funnier if you covered him in gold paint. What other indignities has the jowly potato noggin been through in recent hours? Read more on Already Depressed Newt Gingrich Hit With Box of Glitter…
  it's morning in america

‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. “RCP has learned that political associates have begun to nose around quietly on Perry’s behalf.” Ooh! “Political associates!” (This was definitely written by a machine.) “The Perry chatter has been so discreet that nearly a dozen early-state GOP operatives and consultants contacted by RCP hadn’t heard a word about it.” That’s funny. Chatter that Rick Perry invented the bagel had been so discreet that all the GOP operatives we consulted said the same thing about that. [Real Clear Politics] Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?… Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?…
  unpopular game show hosts

Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever

2.) In life, events tend to follow patterns. People who commit crimes tend to be criminals, for example. Can anyone tell me any economists who have been convicted of violent sex crimes? Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes? Is it likely that just by chance this hotel maid found the only one in this category? Maybe Mr. Strauss-Kahn is guilty but if so, he is one of a kind, and criminals are not usually one of a kind. Read more on Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever…
  the pickup artist

Newt Gingrich Is a Man of Endless Treasure

“Callista Gingrich, was employed by the House Agriculture Committee until 2007, according to public records. She listed a ‘revolving charge account’ at Tiffany and Company in the liability section of her personal financial disclosure form for two consecutive years and indicated that it was her spouse’s debt. The liability was reported in the range of $250,001 to $500,000.” Above, Newt Gingrich’s official campaign song. Read more on Newt Gingrich Is a Man of Endless Treasure…
  5'11 all carbon and anusburger

American Hero Eats Sandwich

A special ceremony is planned Tuesday afternoon at McDonald’s in Fond du Lac for Don Gorske. That’s because, since 1972, Gorske has eaten at least two Big Macs a day, which means the 57-year-old will be eating his 25,000th Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first. Read more on American Hero Eats Sandwich…
  palling around with terrorists

Iowan Corners Whiny Newt Gingrich

This Iowan stole Newt Gingrich’s hand and wouldn’t give it back until the adulterer said he was sorry. We’re not sure if the whiny “I didn’t do anything to Paul Ryan!” or the smile stuck on Newt’s shiny-headed wife’s face during all of this is the best part. Read more on Iowan Corners Whiny Newt Gingrich…
  the fabric menace

Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports

Wonkette operative “Paul G.” sends in this rewritten AP article printed in the St. Petersburg Times. Look, the death of bin Laden actually resulted in a slight restoration of civil liberties! But we’re still going to call them “Muslin.” Speaking of which, are our friends on Facebook still concerned about “the Muslin’s”? Read more on Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports…
  visible boehner

Shutdown-Averting ‘Budget Package’ Actually Increases Spending This Year

Last November, the Teabaggers won the House for the Republicans, which meant government spending and all post-18th century bureaucracy was gone forever, yay. Except, that big budget deal that saved us all from government shutdown? It’s going to make the government spend more money this year than if spending had just been left alone, according to the Congressional Budget Office. But that’s because of defense spending, which shouldn’t count, as there can never be too much defense spending. Republicans are still on track to erase Washington, D.C. and its suburbs from the map, right? Read more on Shutdown-Averting ‘Budget Package’ Actually Increases Spending This Year…
  it's morning in america

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose Life? She will now get to team up with Bristol Palin (assuming she’s not one of those Messicans and can speak English or whatever it is those Palins communicate in) and parade the kid across the country as it TERMINATES teen abortion with all the strength of a grandchild of a Nazi. None of those Kennedy broads-on-the-side ever had a baby, right? That’s how you know Arnold is a Republican. And all of this is why his wife left him. [LAT] Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’… Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’…