Author Archives: Jack Stuef

Full Name: Jack Stuef Website:
Info: Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.
  the way we were

Hey, Remember When Jack Stuef Almost Broke Your Wonkette? Good Times. By Jack Stuef

This website still exists. It’s a political weblog, known for “rounding up” the day’s Internet news pages and offering unique “online-only” points-of-view on the Beltway’s goings-on. Someone should have taken a photo of it and placed it within the text of “Chapter 12: Surfing Out Into the World Wide Web” in the American history file of a child’s Google-branded textbook viewing glasses. And yet it is still being updated, here, in 2014! And thriving! And doing interesting things! It is a strange phenomenon for many reasons, not the least of which is that I sort of almost destroyed it a few years ago, when I regarded a person as he should not be regarded. Rereading today some of the Facebook messages I received around that time was not a pleasant experience. A bunch of people, for a period of about 72 hours or so in 2011, knew me to be a terrible human being, and had some pretty damning evidence in support of this view. Some of them even wished me to be dead! I am not dead at this time. Read more on Hey, Remember When Jack Stuef Almost Broke Your Wonkette? Good Times. By Jack Stuef…
  important changes regarding your wonkette

With Bin Laden Dead, My Work Here Is Done

All Wonkette editors leave you eventually. Today, it is my turn. So this is my last post ever. What a ride, etc.! I’ve enjoyed making fun of politics for this dumb little blog. But now it is time to move on. I came to this site a 21-year-old kid. And now, I can safely say, I’m leaving it a 22-year-old child. Most importantly, we caught Osama bin Laden. You’re welcome. Read more on With Bin Laden Dead, My Work Here Is Done…
  out of many one

Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go

This afternoon your editor, who first interviewed South Carolina’s only ever black U.S. Senate candidate last summer, called up Alvin Greene and asked for the Daoist monk’s perspective on saying goodbye when it’s difficult to let go. Greene’s response? Read more on Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go…
  put money on inanimate objects

Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, Week 2

On Monday, if he’s still around after the rapture (UNLIKELY!), Tim Pawlenty will officially announce his campaign for president. Okay! But there’s still nobody in the race anybody, even wingnuts, would want to vote for. Once again, America turns to our weekly undeclared Republican presidential candidate power rankings to learn who could swoop in and take the nomination. Who is down?! Et cetera?! (Note: All of last week’s candidates died.) Read more on Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, Week 2…
  as straight as a ham biscuit

Lindsey Graham’s Butchest Moments

For years, Lindsey Graham has been dogged (a little bit of pun intended there) by allegations that he is gay. He denies this, and professes to just be a strange bachelor whose house is strewn with trash. Last December, however, gay-outer Mike Rogers said he had “pictures” of a man who spent the night at Graham’s house. But the photos never materialized. Sure, there are photos like the one above, of a man showing Ham Biscuits a map of a penis being inserted into some kind of orifice. But in the interest of closure, we’ve tried to find some really butch photos of Graham. He’s totally straight! Read more on Lindsey Graham’s Butchest Moments…
  like losing the vietnam war twice

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.” Read more on World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family…
  the greatest political figure of all time

Willie Nelson On Gary Johnson Endorsement: ‘My Bad’

It would appear Willie Nelson read our joke about Dennis Kucinich running for president and took it very seriously: “I know I said that,” Nelson replied. “But I think I will wait and see where he stands on other things. My bad. Sorry. I still think he is a good guy but so Is Dennis and if he decided to run I would personally vote for him. If it came down to either him or Gary I’m already committed to Dennis. They both have said they support legal pot.” Read more on Willie Nelson On Gary Johnson Endorsement: ‘My Bad’…
  just wanted to be a pretty ballerina man

Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

Mitt Romney’s perennial challenger for Nation’s Most Boring Governor, Tim Pawlenty, has decided to decide their epic rivalry once and for all in the 2012 presidential contest. But if you’re going to run for president, one of the things you’re supposed to have an answer for is why you’re running for president. “And when I ask Pawlenty, during a second interview in Des Moines, Iowa, exactly when he decided he was up to the grand challenge of the presidency, he answers in less than grandiose terms, explaining how he’d set up a political-action committee in 2009.” Haha. But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president? “I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Uh! Read more on Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President…
  it's morning in america

Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground

Uh oh! Yesterday, when Mitt Romney wasn’t around to protect the defenseless Zionist nation, world bully Barack Obama beat it to a bloody pulp, saying in a speech that an Israel-Palestine peace deal should start with restoring the borders prior to the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and Israel should stop occupying territories they didn’t hold before then. Yeah, well, Mitt Romney is back now, and he challenges mean ol’ Obama to a fistfight. “President Obama has thrown Israel under the bus. He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace.” ISRAEL IS A PERFECT ANGEL WHO CAN DO NO WRONG, BRO. And now you’re going to PAY for suggesting they might try to achieve peace. [The Hill] Read more on Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground… Read more on Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground…
  ask a lobbyist

Ask a Lobbyist: Baby Origins

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her. This week: sweaty encounters between boastful adults. Read more on Ask a Lobbyist: Baby Origins…
  harriet miers

I’ve Got Friends In Jihad Places

Here’s some hott Harriet Miers news from the nation’s top Harriet Miers blog: She’s now working as a lobbyist for Pakistan! Cool! Dealing with terrorist-coddlers like Pakistani officials is pretty much just as bad as working with Antonin Scalia, so President Obama should totally appoint her to the Supreme Court again. Just look at Pakistan getting off the hook for abetting Osama bin Laden. She’s earned it! Read more on I’ve Got Friends In Jihad Places…
  metro section

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

“Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC] Read more on Metro Section: Great Assassinations…
  wonk'd

Wonk’d: Neocon Expo

This week, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Dick Gephardt, Alberto Gonzalez, Zell Miller, Strom Thurmond, and Tim Russert were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. Read more on Wonk’d: Neocon Expo…
  gossip roundup

Gossip Roundup: Osama-Free Tuna

• Inside the Beltway: Lady with boobs is more or less taking part in boob competition. [WT] • Reliable Source: Rahm Emanuel is getting his house back from those dirt-faced squatters who tried to stop him from checking into the city on Foursquare. [WP] • Heard on the Hill: Rep. Bruce Braley is trying to give people alcohol poisoning for charity, but we are not a “subscriber” to read the rest. (What is this publication?) [Roll Call] • Rush & Molloy: This doesn’t exist anymore. • Yeas & Nays: This still exists? Okay! Apparently John McCain ate some tuna and “shared” a meal with a man. Senators: they’re just like gay us! [Washington Examiner] • Under the Dome: This does not exist. Read more on Gossip Roundup: Osama-Free Tuna…
  about

Wonkette Answers: Our Plans

Haha, what the hell was this feature? Did people really care about who the person who wrote this blog was? We don’t have any questions like this in our inbox, so let’s just answer the first thing we see with a question mark. Ah! A spam from Newsmax: Read more on Wonkette Answers: Our Plans…
  the d.c. gossip

Washingtonienne Update!

Considering this is Retro Day, and Wikipedia says some word vomit called a “Washingtonienne” is what Wonkette is “known for,” we should probably let you know what is going on in the life of this sex-haver! Google says she had what appears to be a teevee pilot in 2009, featuring such fun characters as “Politician,” “Bike Messenger,” and “Ben’s Chili Bowl Patron” (“the show’s black character”). Seems like maybe they accidentally gave Jessica Cutler money back when she was sort of a thing and were forced to make this show? Read more on Washingtonienne Update!…
  daily briefing dept.

The Heart Bleats On

• Wonkette editor Jack Stuef decides to make this Retro Day, celebrating the rich, vile history of the crass political blog. [Wonkette] • Rail-thin recumbent biking hippie kid Dick Cheney has decided to go with his “before pic” for his memoir cover. Liz Cheney says he will try to kill and torture people with his words. [AP] • Former Cheney aide Mary Matalin more or less confirms it will violate the Geneva Conventions. [Politico] • Denial still the best way to run a War on Terror. [The Hill] • The cranky ol’ U.S. Economy takes another swipe at the youngs. Coffee-shop jobs to now list Ph.D. as requirement? [NYT] • The Secret Service is getting catty with Fox News on a proprietary micro-weblogging service! [Gawker] Read more on The Heart Bleats On…
  men's interest theories

WND: Esquire Taking Orders From White House To Destroy WND Book

This morning, Esquire‘s politics blog put up a fake joke post about WorldNetDaily’s Joseph Farah finally coming around and realizing he was wrong about President Obama’s birth certificate, and was pulling back the release of his hilarious fact-denying organization’s new book on the matter. The joke here is that it goes against the very biology of Farah to change his mind of the face of glaring facts that disprove the various conspiracy theories that are his business. But because the goal of the news media today is not to report news, but to be the first to aggregate somebody else’s work, a few media people didn’t really read it and reported this joke as fact. This is, of course, yet another plot by the White House to silence Farah, he says. Read more on WND: Esquire Taking Orders From White House To Destroy WND Book…
  tricky little kenyan

Obama Campaign Selling Carefully Worded T-Shirt That Doesn’t Actually Say He Was Born In U.S.

Here is something “amusing”: The Obama re-election campaign is selling t-shirts in exchange for donations. In a wry joke about how awful the country is that Obama claims to love, it says “MADE in the USA” and has a copy of his birth certificate on back: Read more on Obama Campaign Selling Carefully Worded T-Shirt That Doesn’t Actually Say He Was Born In U.S….
  put his extramarital affairs in context of his gaffes please!

Newt Gingrich Wipes Off Glitter, Says Very Dumb Thing

Wow, that Newt Gingrich sure is good at getting media coverage! He didn’t even have to take a bath of party favors this time. “Any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood.” HE IS “ON THE RECORD”: You cannot quote things he has said for which he has guiltily apologized, because Newt Gingrich will disavow them as “unfortunate” before you can cut the ad, which gives him SUPER TRIPLE FROZEN IMMUNITY and now you’re the ones walking on lava and look, Democrats, you’re dead, from burning, because the floor is made of lava. (Why in the world would Democrats bother to cut an attack ad against this man? He’d be a terrific foe, even if he makes a play at distracting the sober, responsible electorate with his shiny jewels.) Read more on Newt Gingrich Wipes Off Glitter, Says Very Dumb Thing…
  funny pictures

Osama Bin Laden Death Photos Look Strangely Like Rob Lowe

Wonkette operative “Matt” sends us this screengrab from SFGate.com. Is the reason the U.S. government doesn’t want us to see the bin Laden photos is that he’s too handsome? Americans aren’t going to be grossed out by them. They’re going to join up with Al Qaeda to gawk at all the pretty, ageless gentlemen. Read more on Osama Bin Laden Death Photos Look Strangely Like Rob Lowe…
  cook him in a brownie and eat him he's done

Not Waiting For Kucinich, Willie Nelson Gives Coveted Kiss-of-Death To Johnson

Presidential candidate Gary Johnson is fired up about an endorsement from country music legend Willie Nelson and the Teapot Party. Teapot: you get it? You get it. In the previous two elections, Nelson endorsed Dennis Kucinich, so you know this will vault Johnson to the presidency. (How many states will he win? That’s less clear. Either 49 or 50.) But isn’t Nelson jumping the gun a bit? Doesn’t he know Roger Simon says Kucinich will SHOWDOWN against Obama and present his toughest challenge to re-election? [Fox News] Read more on Not Waiting For Kucinich, Willie Nelson Gives Coveted Kiss-of-Death To Johnson…